to think you don't share your good news with someone on their day?

[Stripeyrug]

It was my 40th birthday on Friday and I had a big party that evening to celebrate with friends and family.

A friend texted me during the day to say they wouldn't be able to make the party after all which was a shame as they'd had something to tell me. Cue an announcement they're pregnant and a scan photo. They didn't even say happy birthday.

AIBU to think this is rude?

Unbeknownst to them I've just completed a second round of failed IVF and was really looking forward to celebrating all the GOOD things in my life with everyone that evening so maybe we that's why I felt a bit sore.

I suppose I should be grateful they didn't come and tell me to my face at the party.

Ok go on then tell me I'm pathetic and it's not like someone got engaged at my wedding - I can take it.

Telling you over text, just before your party, is fine.

Not apologising for letting you down at the last minute, and making it all about her (not even bothering to say happy birthday etc) is rubbish and rude. Implying the only reason she wanted to go was so she could share her news, not to celebrate your birthday

I am sorry about your struggles, and hope that they have a happy ending! If your friends knew about this, then their message would have been highly insensitive. But clearly they didn't; and I don't see anything wrong with their wishing to tell a friend, whether or not it's in the run-up to your birthday. It would have been a bit rude and show-off-ish to make an announcement at your party; but not to share the information with you in private.

“Unbeknownst to them” is the critical sentence.
sorry for your difficulties but as they don’t know, you are being a little unreasonable.

I think then it wishing you a happy birthday is ride but probably an oversight, and if she'd known about the IVF it would have been insensitive.

I don't think there's anything wrong with sharing big news like like on another special occasion though. My friend told me and our big friendship group that she was pregnant at our wedding, it was lovely news.

There's been a few comments about how it's unreasonable to send a scan photo, can someone please tell me why? I'm pregnant for the second time (first was ectopic so didn't result in a baby) and I'm having my first scan on Friday. I was looking forward to sharing the scan photo as an announcement with friends etc but obviously won't do this if it's not seen as the done thing!

I felt really uncomfortable when my colleague invited me to her postponed 40th birthday party. (Covid, delayed it by a year) The night before my own 40th birthday. As it was an overnight thing. But they insisted and made a big fuss of me. Which was lovely. Though her family were giving my balloons and 40 boppers funny looks!

Why the fuck couldn't they come to the party?? Are social engagements prohibited in the first trimester? 😂 Imo they sound a bit of a twat.

I could understand if it was your wedding day or similar - not your birthday. It’s a special day, sure, but not that special… And it wasn’t like she announced it to everyone at your party or something. As above, you don’t sound like a good friend.

She's not being precious her "friend" didn't even give a reason for not going! Unless it was the pregnancy? In which case I don't really understand? Has the doctor told her she is at risk and needs to rest? In which case the polite thing to do would be to mention that as a sidenote. In most cases the world doesn't come to halt the moment pregnancy is announced, people still go to work, see friends etc... I'm genuinely perplexed! Have I missed something?

No it's not. I would hit the roof. Rudeness really triggers me 😂 I would want to know why that meant she couldn't come to the party 🤔 wouldn't anyone? Sounds ridiculous to me. If she didn't elaborate there's a chance I'd probably never speak to her again..or at least not consider her a proper friend. Just invite her to future social events to "make the numbers up" unless she has some abstract excuse again where we are supposed to understand why but don't 😂

It's just one of those things that hurts to see sometimes when you're struggling for a successful pregnancy.

I think they should have given you a proper reason why they couldn't come. When I found out I was pregnant I was obviously very excited and happy and it didn't stop me doing the things id usually do if I was feeling up to it

MN really is shit sometimes. Increasingly, I wonder why I spend time on here. It’s populated by people so vastly more awful than anyone I’ve ever come across in real life.

OP - I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

To all the people saying the friend didn’t know.

The OP is 40 and childless. Have a modicum of cop on. It really doesn’t take a rocket scientist to think that something might be up in the fertility stakes.

Your friend was so rude not to say happy birthday. And yes, she should have held off a day to make the announcement and send the scan photos. I’m cringing pretty hard at the scan photo - that is so thoughtless, it’s untrue.

I am really surprised how many people think the friend was doing something fine.

YANBU. I would never ever announce anything big on someone's else day. I guess that's just who I am, I don't like "stealing someone's thunder".

I think the difference is how we view events. I don't see someone's birthday party as "their day". It's just a party.

I really wouldn’t recommend treating women near 40 like they must have fertility problems and assuming they don’t have children is because they can’t have them.

I agree with the gist of your post. But assuming a woman who hasn’t got kids must have fertility and then assuming that, that must mean you should act a certain way around them isn’t helpful to anyone.

not all women want kids and those that don’t, often get frustrated with being treated like they must not be able to have them. And not all women who have fertility problems want people to be careful about mentioning pregnancy and kids around them. It can make us feel even more ‘othered’.

You're being ridiculous, sorry.

Your friend had no idea of your situation. I've never heard that you can't now share good news on a grown adults birthday. I'm sorry about your failed IVF treatment, I've been there myself. I think your pain is clouding your judgement though. I hope you still had a good birthday all the same.

Oh op that must have hurt, 💐for you. I know you’ve got pages of people telling you you’re being precious but I had 2 friends announce pregnancies just before my 30th birthday party (and another v suspiciously not drinking and ‘on antibiotics) while we were going through ivf and it killed the vibe for me.

That was after seeing a scan photo on fb on Xmas eve (from a friend who knew about the ivf and then was shitty at me for not going to her baby shower after our cycle failed).

You're not BU to feel how you feel. Unfortunately a lot of people have no idea what ivf/infertility is like and it wouldnt occur to them not to send scan photos etc. I already had a really visceral reaction to them on Facebook, it was like a kick in the face 🥺.

I think maybe you wouldn't have thought it rude if it weren't for your failed IVF (so sorry about that OP :( ) She obviously didn't know that and I'm sure she'd be mortified if she had known. So I voted YANBU to feel upset given your circumstances but she wasn't really unreasonable either.

Happy Birthday and enjoy your night <3

Exactly
Stop being so ridiculous and be happy for your friend
It's a birthday you don't own the day or get to say what people choose to announce

If you’ve had a miscarriage or have been struggling to conceive it’s really upsetting to see other peoples scan photos as it’s a reminder of what you want so desperately and don’t have. If you absolutely know it won’t upset someone then send (as it parents, parents in law, siblings (again if you know for sure they aren’t struggling)) but I would be careful with friends, you can really never really tell. Most of my friends would think I’ve had an amazing couple of years, happy photos on social media, got married etc, they wouldn’t know I’ve been in counselling, suffered with depression and anxiety due to recurrent miscarriages. Congratulations on your pregnancy and sorry about the ectopic ❤️

OP, I don't blame you for being pissed off.

Even without knowing about your IVF (so many good wishes that this works out for you), it's a bit crap to announce a pregnancy rather than wish someone happy birthday.

Hopefully, she'll be pregnant for many months. She could have told you separately.