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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think you don't share your good news with someone on their day?

123 replies

Stripeyrug · 24/10/2022 19:31

It was my 40th birthday on Friday and I had a big party that evening to celebrate with friends and family.

A friend texted me during the day to say they wouldn't be able to make the party after all which was a shame as they'd had something to tell me. Cue an announcement they're pregnant and a scan photo. They didn't even say happy birthday.

AIBU to think this is rude?

Unbeknownst to them I've just completed a second round of failed IVF and was really looking forward to celebrating all the GOOD things in my life with everyone that evening so maybe we that's why I felt a bit sore.

I suppose I should be grateful they didn't come and tell me to my face at the party.

Ok go on then tell me I'm pathetic and it's not like someone got engaged at my wedding - I can take it.

OP posts:
lentilly · 24/10/2022 20:12

Baggingarea · 24/10/2022 20:09

YABU. Op I say this kindly as going through IVF myself and have had insensitive friends along the way. Your friend had no way of knowing she should be sensitive because you didn't tell her you are going through IVF.

The default should be to assume it may be difficult unless you know otherwise

Original poster
Stripeyrug · 24/10/2022 20:13

No reason given for not coming. Didn't blame pregnancy

OP posts:
TwiggletLover · 24/10/2022 20:14

You are being extremely precious. I thought you were going to talking about your wedding day not a birthday party. I'd have absolutely no issue with someone making a pregnancy announcement at my 40th

TheChosenTwo · 24/10/2022 20:15

Rude of her not to wish you a happy birthday but other than that, I don’t think so.
i wouldn’t personally cancel on pre arranged plans unless a dire emergency cropped up that couldn’t be delegated to someone else to deal with. But other people are more flakey - I do know that.

Jaaxe · 24/10/2022 20:15

Stripeyrug · 24/10/2022 20:13

No reason given for not coming. Didn't blame pregnancy

Then yes this in itself is inconsiderate and rude….to say “I can’t come your party, oh and by the way I’m pregnant” is making it all about her

Baggingarea · 24/10/2022 20:18

@lentilly I think putting the onus on others to be sensitive during fertility issues is a recipe for unhappiness. I used to get really upset but now I just try to see it from others' POV.

lentilly · 24/10/2022 20:19

Baggingarea · 24/10/2022 20:18

@lentilly I think putting the onus on others to be sensitive during fertility issues is a recipe for unhappiness. I used to get really upset but now I just try to see it from others' POV.

Its not hard to not send a scan photo unprompted.

EmmaH2022 · 24/10/2022 20:20

Stripeyrug · 24/10/2022 20:13

No reason given for not coming. Didn't blame pregnancy

This is pants of her.

did she send a gift?

I hope you had a lovely birthday. 🥂🎂💃🏽

balalake · 24/10/2022 20:21

If they had known about your failed IVF or even that you were undergoing IVF, then insensitive and rude. If it was your wedding day, or that of someone close, bad timing at best.

ChrissyPh1 · 24/10/2022 20:22

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ as it's the work of a previously banned poster.

Iprefergin · 24/10/2022 20:24

I don't think it was rude.

However as someone who has also had failed IVF (and trying to come to terms with never being a mum) whilst everyone else around me announced pregnancies, I totally get why you feel like that. It's such a kick in the guts, infertility just takes so much away from you xx

Laiste · 24/10/2022 20:32

Flowers Happy Birthday.

and Flowers for IVF

You're all bitter and twisted and i know how that feels and i've been there and got the t shirt and it's not your fault and it's not hers either.

Be kind to yourself.
Don't say anything to anyone until you've counted to 1000000 million.

SchoolOfGoodAndEvil · 24/10/2022 20:34

She texted someone she thinks of as a good friend to tell them her happy news. She didn’t stand on the table at your party and shout it from the rooftops. I think you’re projecting your own stuff on to this poor woman.

EmmaH2022 · 24/10/2022 20:35

SchoolOfGoodAndEvil · 24/10/2022 20:34

She texted someone she thinks of as a good friend to tell them her happy news. She didn’t stand on the table at your party and shout it from the rooftops. I think you’re projecting your own stuff on to this poor woman.

So ignoring the birthday, pulling out of the party with no explanation is fine?

lentilly · 24/10/2022 20:39

SchoolOfGoodAndEvil · 24/10/2022 20:34

She texted someone she thinks of as a good friend to tell them her happy news. She didn’t stand on the table at your party and shout it from the rooftops. I think you’re projecting your own stuff on to this poor woman.

A text fine, a scan photo unasked for, no that's unkind

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 24/10/2022 20:39

Why do you feel like their good news puts a black spot on your birthday? She has just found out she's having a baby and you're annoyed she hasn't remembered to say happy birthday? I think YABVU and selfish. Instead of being happy for your friend you're on here complaining, you had a whole party of people wishing you happy birthday, sounds like a tantrum to me.

Original poster
Stripeyrug · 24/10/2022 20:41

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 24/10/2022 20:39

Why do you feel like their good news puts a black spot on your birthday? She has just found out she's having a baby and you're annoyed she hasn't remembered to say happy birthday? I think YABVU and selfish. Instead of being happy for your friend you're on here complaining, you had a whole party of people wishing you happy birthday, sounds like a tantrum to me.

A tantrum? Do you know what a tantrum is?

OP posts:
ChrissyPh1 · 24/10/2022 20:46

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ as it's the work of a previously banned poster.

Laiste · 24/10/2022 20:49

OP honestly - this thread is going to give you more pain than help.

Have you checked out the IVF/fertility boards here on MN at all? Full of great women who just know.

Daydreamer12345 · 24/10/2022 20:50

Stripeyrug · 24/10/2022 19:39

I am happy for them of course. Others there knew already so for whatever reason they waited to tell me then.

Maybe I am a bit precious!

I think given your circumstances it’s ok to be a bit precious.

Having said that, I think it’s rude they didn’t say happy birthday

ComeonoverValerie · 24/10/2022 20:53

I think If you hadn't had two failed IVF attempts, you wouldn't be feeling this way about your friends news.

I'm sorry about what you're going through but as she doesn't know your history I'd say you're being unreasonable.

User359472111111 · 24/10/2022 21:03

I think they were probably a bit thoughtless and you were perhaps more sensitive than another person might be for totally understandable reasons.

Enjoy your birthday and ignore the miserable so and sos trying to imply you shouldn’t bother. I completely get (as would anyone else who have been through similar) that you need to grab the joy and try to hold on!

DrManhattan · 24/10/2022 21:11

I think its rude

Tiredalwaystired · 24/10/2022 21:16

I understand it smarts a bit because of your own (unknown to her) circumstances

i do think you’re being a bit precious about your birthday though. She did at least tell you she wasn’t coming and didn’t make a big “look at me” announcement there.

my own sister forgot my 40th and booked a holiday away that week.

Anonymouslyposting · 24/10/2022 21:31

I think what she said was totally reasonable, but I can also see why it touched a nerve and wasn’t what you wanted to be reminded of on a happy day. So you’re being unreasonable, but very understandably.

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