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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think you don't share your good news with someone on their day?

123 replies

Stripeyrug · 24/10/2022 19:31

It was my 40th birthday on Friday and I had a big party that evening to celebrate with friends and family.

A friend texted me during the day to say they wouldn't be able to make the party after all which was a shame as they'd had something to tell me. Cue an announcement they're pregnant and a scan photo. They didn't even say happy birthday.

AIBU to think this is rude?

Unbeknownst to them I've just completed a second round of failed IVF and was really looking forward to celebrating all the GOOD things in my life with everyone that evening so maybe we that's why I felt a bit sore.

I suppose I should be grateful they didn't come and tell me to my face at the party.

Ok go on then tell me I'm pathetic and it's not like someone got engaged at my wedding - I can take it.

OP posts:
Cw112 · 24/10/2022 19:46

Yanbu to be upset given the nature of the news and the second round of ivf you've just gone through, I think that's only natural to feel that way. That being said I don't think your friend has done anything wrong, she's obviously wanted to be there for your birthday and probably wanted to tell you at the same time as everyone else plus thought she might get questions about not drinking etc. I'd also question if maybe the pregnancy is part of the reason why she couldn't make it so she wanted you to understand as its a big occasion. I'd definitely have preferred to get that news by text and process it before seeing her. So I can separate her happiness from my sadness because they are seperate. At the same time I know how all consuming ttc can feel but it's so important to still recognise and celebrate the good so I hope you still had a good night celebrating your birthday. As other people have said she should have wished you a happy birthday.

Dailymash · 24/10/2022 19:46

Sorry to hear the sad news about your second round of IVF. I’ve never been in that situation so can’t understand what you’re going through but you do have my sympathy, it must be awful especially at what should be a happy time of your life for celebrating.

Do remember that your friend wasn’t aware of your situation. She wouldn’t have knowingly sent that to you and would probably be mortified if she did know.

Your emotions will still be high so don’t let this ruin what must be a good friendship given that she was invited to your birthday celebration.

I hope you still enjoyed your birthday Flowers

Original poster
Stripeyrug · 24/10/2022 19:46

Butterlover1 · 24/10/2022 19:45

I thought you were going to say they made a big public pregnancy announcement at your wedding.

This seems pretty trivial, you seem like a bad friend tbh.

Why do I sound like a bad friend?

OP posts:
Ihearticecream · 24/10/2022 19:47

It was completely rude! And shouldn’t have been said on your Birthday! And rude not to wish you a happy birthday. They were caught up in them. And of course they can be happy for themselves but I would never do that on someone else’s occasion.
YANBU
Everyone saying they would just be happy for them. Well everyone can be happy for you.
She did it as a big reveal we can’t come because she’s pregnant, also a rubbish excuse unless she’s suffering really badly. Most of the time I was the designated driver.

LittleLlamaMay · 24/10/2022 19:48

Sorry for the horrible comments from someone on here. You aren't a bad friend and you have every right to want to enjoy every single birthday, doesn't matter how old are you! It doesn't make you 'precious' to want to celebrate.

Your friend was a bit rude not to wish you happy birthday, but good that she didn't rub your face in it, especially as she knows about your IVF journey (?)

You do have a right to be upset though, just not at your friend directly.

WooWoox2 · 24/10/2022 19:49

Octomore · 24/10/2022 19:46

Once you're a grown adult, you don't get to claim that your birthday is "your special day".

Your friend didn't know about your IVF and was excited to share her news. Your 40th doesn't trump that, and it's not like she announced it at your party.

I never understand miserable posts like this

imagine being so boring that you think it’s odd for adults to get excited for their birthday and consider a big birthday a ‘special day’

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/10/2022 19:49

Did she give a reason for not coming OP? Or just said they couldn’t make it?

Begoniasforever · 24/10/2022 19:50

I think as I’m not trying for a child if my friend told me they were pregnant on my birthday I’d be delighted for them and think it added to the joy of the day. But if I was going through ivf and struggling I could see why it would be hurtful. The key issue here is they don’t know about the ivf so thought you’d react like the former.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 24/10/2022 19:51

you know yabu
but you are suffering with fertility - so that is a seperate issue - and understandable.
do they know?

GodInventedAmazon · 24/10/2022 19:51

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/10/2022 19:43

She didn’t say why they couldn’t come? Being pregnant doesn’t mean you can’t go to parties.

Show quote history

Probably wrapped up in their excitement I expect , you have to be gracious under the circumstances

Octomore · 24/10/2022 19:52

WooWoox2 · 24/10/2022 19:49

I never understand miserable posts like this

imagine being so boring that you think it’s odd for adults to get excited for their birthday and consider a big birthday a ‘special day’

Show quote history

It's worth celebrating, sure, but it's not such a special day that you expect other people to organise their lives around it and defer making announcements.

PinkButtercups · 24/10/2022 19:52

I'm sure if they'd known about your IVF journey they wouldn't have said it on your birthday. Of course you don't have to tell anyone just mentioning that if they knew they probably wouldn't have said.

Bit rude not to say Happy Birthday but other than that personally I wouldn't take it to heart.

Ihearticecream · 24/10/2022 19:53

Why can’t adults have “special days”?
We should all be miserable bastards who have no joy for anything once we pass 18?
And her friends pregnancy doesn’t trump her celebration either. We all have things in life to celebrate. And they are all important.

drpet49 · 24/10/2022 19:55

twoandone · 24/10/2022 19:37

Not saying happy birthday is a bit rude but I'm guessing they're just distracted. You sound very precious about your birthday for a 40 year old.

Oh piss off. Only on MN is there this pathetic belief that you can’t ever celebrate your birthday.

Rosie492 · 24/10/2022 19:57

YANBU - Not sure why a pregnant friend couldn't make your party. And cancelled on the day. And failed to wish you a happy birthday. Rude and inconsiderate. You deserve better.

KimberleyClark · 24/10/2022 19:59

And her friends pregnancy doesn’t trump her celebration either. We all have things in life to celebrate. And they are all important.

This.

Darbs76 · 24/10/2022 20:02

Totally understand why you’re upset and you certainly weren’t expecting that. Unless your friend knew about the failed IVF then no I don’t think there’s any rule that you can’t share good news with someone on their birthday. Never heard of that. Happy birthday

Worrywart70 · 24/10/2022 20:05

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I also don’t think there’s anything wrong in wanting a big 40th birthday party. Some of the comments on here are a bit harsh I think. Asking “aren’t you happy for them” is a bit off too. They didn’t need to tell you that day. They should have wished you a happy birthday. Sorry to hear about your IVF journey. It’s hard when others announce their pregnancies anyway when you’re going through that. I think regardless of whether they knew this, your birthday isn’t the time 🤷🏼‍♀️

Jaaxe · 24/10/2022 20:07

It wasn’t the right day to share her news with you, although not completely inconsiderate as I’m not big on birthdays but I know some people are and she didn’t need to make your day about her, I’d of said it a couple of days before or left it till after your birthday. It was rude to not say happy birthday too. What I’m really failing to understand is why her being pregnant meant she couldn’t attend a party anyway…was that her reasoning for not coming? Or was she unwell from pregnancy 🤷‍♀️

Sorry to hear about your ivf, if she knew about your fertility struggles then it was definitely insensitive to announce her news on your birthday but I think you mentioned she doesn’t know and maybe if she did she would of thought more

oopsfellover · 24/10/2022 20:07

I don't think it's particularly rude - wouldn't bother me if a friend told me some of their good news on my birthday. Not saying HB may have been an oversight on her part. Sorry to hear about the IVF though - that does sound a bit raw, and makes your feelings understandable.

HappyHappyHermit · 24/10/2022 20:08

I don't think your friend did anything wrong, but also with everything it sounds like you are going through I think it's OK to feel a little precious and emotional about it.

Baggingarea · 24/10/2022 20:09

YABU. Op I say this kindly as going through IVF myself and have had insensitive friends along the way. Your friend had no way of knowing she should be sensitive because you didn't tell her you are going through IVF.

Rotherweird · 24/10/2022 20:10

YANBU at all.
Of course it was your special day - it was a big birthday and you were having a big party!

I think it was VERY rude to cancel on the day. I hate that except if there is an emergency.
It was also really rude not to wish you Happy Birthday, and to make it all about them and their news.
It was OTT to send you a scan pic - keep that for the grandparents.
And it was insensitive not to think that any 40 year old woman might not have some sensitivities about fertility and not want to have to deal with somebody else's baby news on her birthday.

Weirdwonders · 24/10/2022 20:10

She texted you on the day of your party to say she couldn’t come because she was pregnant (not a reason for a no-show) and didn’t even wish you happy birthday? Rude. YANBU at all.

lentilly · 24/10/2022 20:11

Sending a scan photo is always a shit thing to do unless you know for sure the person will recieve it well