sick of ‘gentle parents’

[strawberrysugar23]

i’m so fed up of gentle parenting - just been to soft play and a boy probably about 4 years old was whacking my 18 month old, pushing her down, kicked her in the face. obviously i kept intervening and actually told him off myself but his parent was nowhere to be seen. once i’d told him off he moved onto a different toddler whose mum approached me and asked if i knew who his parent was. said parent eventually came over and said ‘aw is he being rough?’ i said yes he’s being very aggressive to multiple toddlers, has hit/kicked/pushed and keeps following them around even after other parents are intervening. and her response was ‘ohh (child’s name) you need to be more gentle!’ in a soft voice then walked off and he continued.

sorry but wtf. if your child is as feral as that surely you say right we’re leaving and actually tell them off instead of that response? seems to be a common occurrence too, always seems to be the most aggressive kids who are being gentle parented

@WooWoox2

That's gentle parenting.

I disagree with the massive overlap of authoritative parenting and gentle parenting in the diagram posted upthread. They can overlap a little, but authoritative parenting teaches a child that the parents are in charge and will dish out consequences, while gentle parenting relies on a child's own judgement of what is OK to an extent that is ridiculous. Parents practicing this rely far too much on natural consequences to gently nudge the child toward acceptable behaviour, and avoid confrontation because the child's emotions are the only element that matters in any given situation.

The result is children who either fight hard or crumble into little pieces when they hear their first hard no, bruised and battered siblings and playmates, parents and grandparents, nannies, cousins, etc, and a rude awakening around age 8 when parents realise their child still hasn't learned consideration for others, despite being fed an exclusive diet of what essentially amounts to, 'Do whatever you feel; your emotions are all that matters'.

As the New Yorker magazine article points out, the natural consequences of a 5 year old hurting a 3 yo are not necessarily going to hurt the 5 yo that much, and most adults are going to refrain from responding in kind to being bitten, kicked, having glasses taken and broken, etc. This kind of parenting relies too much on the law of the jungle kicking in. But what happens when the child is a strapping lad who can kick the daylights out of most other children?

@Brefugee Nope. Not a chance you intimidated a toddler by telling him you would commit physical violence against him 😂

I’ve met lots of idiot parents, and my toddler has been hurt by the children of idiot parents refusing to parent. However, they are still children.

You have been telling a lie for 20 odd years then 🤷‍♀️

Whatever happened to a good old fashioned telling off? This is why we have so many entitled dick heads.

Or better still a good old fashioned telling off and being taken straight home? We have massively complicated things.

bog off. Honestly you are behaving like an idiot.

I have used the same tactic with other children, with adults and with teenagers. The trick is that nobody ever disbelieves me.
I've never hit a child in my life, but they don't want to take that chance.

@Dixiechickonhols kind hands makes my blood BOIL. I know two parents (of separate children) who use this constantly and it makes no difference! My daughter has never been in the firing line but I’ve seen the two children whack others with toys at baby groups and nursery are at their wits end with the others as he keeps hitting other children. All the parents say is ‘kind hands please!’

@Algor1thm - I don’t think saying “If you do that again, we are going home” is a threat - I see it as a warning of the natural consequence of the unacceptable behaviour, and an opportunity for the child to change their behaviour.

Tbh I find all of the different 'genres' of parenting a bit hard to differentiate. I follow a lot of the gentle parenting stuff but I find it hard to distinguish from authoritative, and I suspect the small differences are negligible.
It's certainly not new, my mother parented in a gentle/authoritative manner.
Don't shout/scream at your kids, don't make them responsible for your emotions, sensible (and relatable) consequences for poor behaviour (including removal from an area if they can't manage their behaviour), age appropriate expectations and respect for the same. All a bit.... normal surely?

Sorry you are hugely mistaken gentle parenting done the right way is actually authoritative parenting, again you are describing permissive parenting!

I do think the whole ‘oh Freddy I can see you’ve got some big feelings right now and really wanted that car but Timmy has it so we have to share and use gentle hands okay sweetie’ when little Freddy has whacked Timmy and tried to steal his toy a bit ridiculous.

Surely a to the point ‘no hitting’ is better? Especially in younger toddlers/preschoolers who get lost in all the dialogue of some parents ‘parenting’.

I’m sure there is another post about this child.

can’t be a coincidence. Someone posted about a child that they think should have been removed from soft play because he was attacking other kids

Sorry you are hugely mistaken gentle parenting done the right way is actually authoritative parenting, again you are describing permissive parenting!

And if Communism had been done right, the USSR would still exist...

Gentle Parenting is a specific thing that has no connection to authoritative parenting. The emphasis on the child's emotions is what differentiates the two.

It works fine until two equally determined and uninhibited children want the same toy.

sarahockwell-smith.com/2019/06/03/how-to-be-a-gentle-not-permissive-parent/

fyi

Urgg drives me crazy.
When my eldestwas about 2, she was just about to have her turn after patiently waiting, making sure the last child was off etc and a child who must have been 6/7 pushed her over and went down first.
When she realised I was going to tell her parents (both were present) she burst into hysterical tears and buried her head in her mothers breasts who was reassuring her daughter it was okay. The dad attempted to scold the daughter and get her to apologise to no avail the 2 seemed to be in a bubble and was mortified about the whole thing and kept apologising.
Still annoyed at myself for not going up to the child/ mother and telling the child off myself! Back then I naively thought that they'd get their child to apologise, it's a parents job to parent. Now I'm quite stern with other people's children if they're misbehaving, even if it's nothing to do with mine.

Lazy parenting. And it’s rife. Some parents see a soft play area as somewhere to dump their child, whilst they retire to a table in the corner with their phones and another equally lazy parent for a gossip.

We go to a group with a mother who is very much a gentle parent, has a 7year old boy and he is the absolute worst. Breaks down in hysterical tears over nothing, you'd think he'd broken his legs, starts telling both children and adults they've ruined something. She cuddles him, recognises his feelings over someone's bag touching his and if they haven't apologies over sheer shock over his behaviour tells them they are very sorry.
We all know what sort of men these boys turn into! I think gentle parenting for boys has the potential to be quite dangerous/ to the detriment of society

You’re right OP. I am SICK of trying and actually parent my children, for them see that the others, actually, are free to be rough, disrespectful, damaging to others. I see the crisis coming where no one can manage the children anymore. Not the teachers, not the parents, the world has gone mad.

First of all, what was a 4 year old doing in the toddler area? Secondly, that's not gentle parenting. That's just being too lazy and incompetent to properly supervise your own child.

Some people think gentle parenting means they are speaking gently all the time, like cartoon animal mums in a twee animation. It’s very appealing to people who have a hard time being firm or laying boundaries (a lot of women …).
the irony is, gentle parenting requires a lot of firmness and boundaries, and is very hands on. Sometimes you have to be not liked by your kids, and that’s ok that’s part of it

And also, I don’t care if someone will think I’m authoritative, but the following statement makes me cringe “My child just hit me. What is my child trying to COMMUNICATE with their behaviour? Are they tired? Are they bored?”. NO! You allow your child to hit you, and unless your child has significant additional needs where they simply cannot help themselves, it’s your fault. You allow this.

I agree. Kind hands makes no sense to get a child to stop hitting. It makes sense when you ARE doing something with your hands, like petting an animal (I used “gentle hands” for my toddler to get her to be gentle with the cat). “Hands to yourself” , “hands off”, “clasp your hands”, “hands on your knees” or even “air hands” would be more effective to stop hitting.

I suspect it’s a bit of a misunderstanding of the point of avoiding a negative directive - if the parents can’t even replace the “no hitting” with something positive TO do, how in the world is a toddler meant to figure it out? No wonder it doesn’t work.

In my world that's just called shit parenting.

I really don't understand why you find this so unbelievable. If an older child was hitting my six month old with a wooden block my reaction would be exactly the same. As I'm sure you are aware babies skulls are very soft and easily damaged so I really wouldn't be hanging about asking him to curb his "impulses" .

I disagree with the massive overlap of authoritative parenting and gentle parenting in the diagram posted upthread. They can overlap a little, but authoritative parenting teaches a child that the parents are in charge and will dish out consequences, while gentle parenting relies on a child's own judgement of what is OK to an extent that is ridiculous
Gentle parenting does not rely on a child's own judgement over what's ok.

Gentle parents have limits and boundaries and consequences. They're just enforced calmly and consistently without shouting, belittling, putting in arbitrary sanctions or taking a child who is highly emotionally charged and dumping them on a step/seat alone to work out what they've done wrong. Gentle parenting materials talk about rupture and repair because it's accepted that as parents we will upset our children when we hold limits. What matters is how we hold those limits and how the relationship is developed.

As others have said I think this is just not parenting at all.. my little boy is just over a year and I can’t believe the amount of times it has happened to us in a soft play so far. I know they are just kids and I’m a teacher so I’m used to it but children around 3/4 seem to be transfixed on a younger toddler if they see one. One boy at a party recently literally watched my son try to get in to a little tykes car then pushed him out the road, got in and went away in it. Surely they have some sort of empathy towards a much younger child at that age 🤦🏼‍♀️ There was an older girl at his toddlers pushing a toy away every time he went to reach for it too. It’s so difficult to sit and watch when it’s your own child without saying something 🙈