sick of ‘gentle parents’

[strawberrysugar23]

i’m so fed up of gentle parenting - just been to soft play and a boy probably about 4 years old was whacking my 18 month old, pushing her down, kicked her in the face. obviously i kept intervening and actually told him off myself but his parent was nowhere to be seen. once i’d told him off he moved onto a different toddler whose mum approached me and asked if i knew who his parent was. said parent eventually came over and said ‘aw is he being rough?’ i said yes he’s being very aggressive to multiple toddlers, has hit/kicked/pushed and keeps following them around even after other parents are intervening. and her response was ‘ohh (child’s name) you need to be more gentle!’ in a soft voice then walked off and he continued.

sorry but wtf. if your child is as feral as that surely you say right we’re leaving and actually tell them off instead of that response? seems to be a common occurrence too, always seems to be the most aggressive kids who are being gentle parented

Also, is long conversations (monologues?) meant to be gentle parenting? Everything I’ve read (in the gentle/positive/authoritative area) emphasised shorter is better. Get to the point to make sure messages are connected with behaviour that just happened. If you’re giving options, clear and short is best. I’ve never seen anything suggesting the long talks people here report. That just seems to me to be a parent being ineffective with words and just keeping talking as they have no clue what else to do.

I wish I could share an email from a parent. The girl 4 yr old has been told no (I suspect for first time in her life ) Mum sent email to volunteer who runs activity about how disappointed she was girl wasn’t allowed to do what she wanted and the volunteers should have ‘de escalated’ and ‘managed her behaviour’. What the volunteer was to do with the other little girls while she was doing this I don’t know. Mum withdrew her child when response wasn’t yes of course we’ll do that.

I think a lot of the time these parents say they practice 'gentle parenting', they may not be practising it properly, but I assume that's why the op used the quotation marks in the title: 'gentle parents'. It's what they call themselves.

The 'kind' hands and 'gentle' hands is quite an abstract concept. With young children, you need to be modelling the behaviour you want them to use and be specific.

Also, the long explanations when a child is hitting, being defiant are just developmentally inappropriate. They need simple language and intervention. The time for longer discussion should be when they are calmer and therefore actually receptive to what is said. It should certainly be in straightforward language that the child understands.

Gentle parenting is a great way to parent imo.

What you encountered was not a gentle a parent. It was a knob.

You are describing permissive parenting not gentle parenting, which is certainly not good parenting, I would research what gentle parenting done properly actually involves before making such a statement!

I’m definitely guilty of the too long explanations! Anyone got any resources to learn how to do these short statements instead?

This isn't what I understand gentle parenting to be at all. That's just ignoring your child when they need supervision and then being permissive. I'm so sorry this happened to your poor baby.

@anotherscroller
The phrases 'No' and 'Stop that' and 'We don't hit/ bite / kick/ punch/ whine {insert verb}...' are all you need in the heat of the moment along with physically removing the child from the encounter.

You can even it out with short, encouraging praise for good behaviour, and include short pep talks when going anywhere on the topic of expected behaviour, with outline what will happen if the behaviour is contrary to expectations. Then be true to your word. Leave the supermarket or playground or party.

Love this 😂 😂 😂
Instagram has a lot to answer
for

You are describing permissive parenting not gentle parenting, which is certainly not good parenting, I would research what gentle parenting done properly actually involves before making such a statement!

The centering of the child's emotions as described by Hftuhfr, the pandering to them, and the expectation that others will also is 100% what gentle parenting is, @Rhino94

But isnt the going straight home if
he does it again a threat?
this is what confuses me.

Right look I have a question because I am utterly shite at this.

Your five year old hits you in a temper. They are tired and have had a hard day at school.

What do you do? Because genuinely I barely know which way is up with parenting these days.

Yes to the pep talk. I did that with dc and do it with kids I volunteer with. Then everyone is clear. Keep it short and clear.

I really don’t see that as a threat just a clear explanation of what will happen. Child doesn’t stop so you go as you said you would.
A threat would saying be if you do that we are going home and you are going straight to bed/not watching tv etc.

How do you threaten to go home when they have a sibling there who has done nothing wrong? No one ever seems to be able to answer this.

I think it’s essentially that in trying to move away from the parenting styles that were acceptable in the 70s-90s, we’ve gone too far the other way and now the child rules the roost and everything is centred around them and their emotions. I know (self-identified) gentle parents and having a day out with them is absolutely mind-numbing, as you can’t do anything without giving Tommy options, exploring his feelings, de-escalating the merest hint of a negative sensation. It’s like performance art, except that it’s constant.

I’m not remotely convinced that it’s going to lead to a generation of compassionate, tolerant, intelligent empaths, I have to say.

@anotherscroller "But isnt the going straight home if
he does it again a threat?
this is what confuses me."

It isn't a threat. It's a consequence.

If you break the law you get arrested. The law isn't a threat.

Same with rules/consequences.

I'm a gentle parent but my DC know exactly what's expected of them. And that there will be consequences should they act in a way that isn't acceptable.

The same as decent adults do.

Modify accordingly. If you do that again you will sit with me etc.

Getting hung up on threat vs consequence terminology is misleading. What's importance is the relevance to the behaviour.
You leave the situation because the child's behaviour isn't appropriate for that environment. To then take away toys/cancel other treats/enforce early bedtime then has no defined relevance. The line is drawn depending on how upset the parent is, rather than what is proportionate to the misdemeanour.

Don’t go to soft play ? Nothing wrong with gentle parenting I try and follow this as much as I can. She’s just not parenting at all and this happens often at soft play.

I feel my "style" of parenting is probably a form of gentle parenting. What you witnessed was not gentle parenting it was shit parenting. In that circumstance DS would have been removed from the area. We would have talked about being kind and gentle and that we don't hit. He would have been told had he hit any other child again we would be leaving to go home because if we can't play nicely then we can't play. If he hit again then he would have been removed, I would have explained that as he can't play nicely and not hit others then we won't be playing any more today. I would have then taken him home.

To me the natural consequence of not playing nicely and not hitting is that you don't get to play at soft play. What I wouldn't do is enforce some other non related consequence that had nothing to do with what happened at soft play.

Your five year old hits you in a temper. They are tired and have had a hard day at school.
What do you do?

For me, I would try to go upstream if possible to prevent the situation.

If DC went to hit then a simple "I won't let you hit me" as I block the hit, followed by "I hear you. You seem frustrated/angry/tired/whatever else I observed about them. If you'd like to let it out you can (give alternative that is acceptable) and be present with them as they go process the feelings.

If they've already hit then and I've not blocked it then they'd be told "hitting is unacceptable" and then as above giving them an alternative outlet.

In my opinion our job as parents isn't to avoid our children experiencing negative emotions, but it is our job to teach them how to manage them in a healthy and appropriate way, which is why I've chosen not to go down the route of time out/naughty step.

See also attachment parenting. Being responsive in a timely manner plus breastfeeding/co-sleeping/slinging is all well and good until you also have older children and then you had twins 🤦🏽‍♀️

I hate this gentle parenting BS.

Most of the ones who claim to 'gentle parent' are the ones with awful kids.

Forgot to add that these people are the ones who just don't parent but claim it's gentle parenting.