sick of ‘gentle parents’

[strawberrysugar23]

i’m so fed up of gentle parenting - just been to soft play and a boy probably about 4 years old was whacking my 18 month old, pushing her down, kicked her in the face. obviously i kept intervening and actually told him off myself but his parent was nowhere to be seen. once i’d told him off he moved onto a different toddler whose mum approached me and asked if i knew who his parent was. said parent eventually came over and said ‘aw is he being rough?’ i said yes he’s being very aggressive to multiple toddlers, has hit/kicked/pushed and keeps following them around even after other parents are intervening. and her response was ‘ohh (child’s name) you need to be more gentle!’ in a soft voice then walked off and he continued.

sorry but wtf. if your child is as feral as that surely you say right we’re leaving and actually tell them off instead of that response? seems to be a common occurrence too, always seems to be the most aggressive kids who are being gentle parented

Thanks @Algor1thm I'll have a read. It would be interesting to compare with both how I and my DCs were brought up.

yeah agree with that there’s got to be a happy medium, i hate all the ‘i’m telling santa you’re naughty’ business too but agree neither option is effective. a smacking game though 🥲 makes me wonder what these kids are going to grow up to be like if they think being violent is a ‘game’

Just catching up... I also hate "kind hands". What does that even mean?? "We don't hit" makes more sense imo 🤷🏻‍♀️

Get your vocab right. What you describe is permissive parenting not gentle parenting.

This has already been pointed out, but you need to start using permissive parenting rather than gentle parenting. Or else just not parenting. Either is bad and does not teach a child boundaries.

However, given this child's extreme behaviour, whatever you observed in public, it's far more likely that he was exposed to aggression from an adult, which is far more to cause a child to behave aggressively themselves towards others. Just because you observe one thing in public, doesn't mean that parent behaves the same way at home.
I definitely ascribe to some elements of gentle parenting, DS absolutely knows there are boundaries and while he has some temper outbursts, he also doesn't behave aggressively, either when we're out or at school. In fact at soft play he is more likely to go to the child that's lost and crying and tell them not to cry and he will help them find their parent. He's four.
Please don't tar a whole style of parenting just because someone uses the word "gentle".

Fgs that’s not gentle parenting, I get so annoyed when people assume this is!! This sounds like permissive parenting at best!

Actually I think the thing about “kind hands” or “gentle hands” is that people process an instruction of what to DO better than what not to do. Same with shouting “walk!” Instead of “don’t run!” Although for the hitting thing I’d suggest “hands to yourself “ makes more sense. Unless you wanted them to touch the other child.

it’s not just kids - I remember about a study where they found signs that said “put trash in bin” were much more effective than “no littering “

The trouble with long explanations is it doesn’t translate to a group setting so school or activities.

Actually if someone was doing gentle parenting correctly then they would definitely be removed from the situation. People make the mistake of thinking gentle parenting has no boundaries where it definitely does!

I came across this 20 years ago when we moved to the US .A little boy aged about 5years old was running up a metal tribune (with open slats and a drop of about 20 feet down from the top row)Mom turns around to son 'Logan I don't think you are making good choices here'.I. couldn't believe it .He totally ignored her and I ended up being the one to talk him down.When he eventually came down , no consequences for said child .He was allowed to stay at the activity instead of being removed straight away and brought home and dealt with accordingly.

I remember being on holiday in USA and a little boy was messing around. His mum said Forest (actual name) what privilege do you want to lose first. Me and dd who was about 7 couldn’t help laughing. I used to say it to her as a joke for years after. Forest didn’t name a privilege and carried on messing about he was about 4/5.

Ah, that makes sense! I do think for me kind hands isn't clear enough though. I could imagine a toddler being confused about what constitutes kind in terms of hand movements. Thinking about it now I do sometimes offer an alternative e.g. we don't hit people, you can bang your drum if you want to hit something etc. Maybe I need to use more positive instructions!

I also say make good choices to teen dd as a joke as we hear that lots on hols in USA. Always said to child who is not making good choices and carries on ignoring parent who does naff all.

@WimpoleHat - that made me laugh - and agree it's the earnestness that I find exhausting (and grating). There is nothing at all wrong with a straight forward 'No' (which, as we know, is a complete sentence).

@AloysiusBear I think I agree with you. Some kids are used to and expect a lot of negotiation.

@murmuration
I think you're right about the signs and it's interesting I spent a bit of time in Japan where I saw a few signs related to "manners" on the train, around smoking areas etc. And I agree, being asked nicely to do something did make me take more notice.

That being said, it was equally the behaviour of others around me that influenced me. If they had all ignored those signs then I may have done too. So I think people can parent in a certain way but it's not universal. So outside factors can still play a part.

Plus - if kids never learn to see irritation and learn that sometimes you do things which make other people cross, in a safe, family based context, how do they learn to pick up on social cues as they get older? Because adults (especially in a British context) aren’t direct; a look at threads on here shows people will always say things are fine and then complain about them bitterly behind the back of the offender. Being able to spot when someone is getting pissed off with you and finding you a pain is actually a bit of a life skill!

THIS!

I'd like to add to my earlier comment that I never see MC African American parents where I live in the US doing this sort of silly parenting because their children have to be able to read the environment from a very young age, and missteps can have terrible consequences for their children.

The non-confrontational/ wimpy parenting style is one that is practiced, in my observation, by people who are immensely privileged in the US context, overwhelmingly white and MC/UMC.

Not sure what your point is? Are you saying I’m lying?

And you conveniently cut out the bit where I said what I would do if my child did act like that!

FYI... that is not gentle parenting.
I'm sick of people who think parents who chose not to bother addressing their children's behaviour are 'gentle parenting'. Gentle parenting involves setting and maintaining boundaries, without shouting or hitting. It is not allowing your child to do whatever they please and being disinterested.
Please look into gentle parenting before you label people.
I try to gentle parent (sometimes I fail and lose my cool) but my child has very clear boundaries and I am very firm with her. In that scenario I would have removed her from the situation, explained her behaviour was hurting people and not acceptable and asked her if she needed to spend some time calming down before heading back in, with a firm warning that if it occurred again, we would have to go home as I cannot allow her to hurt people.

We only had the one child who we spoke to as a small person. Our approach was that if she was allowed to do exactly as she liked, it wouldn't be right for us to criticise anyone else for the same behaviour - if she had kicked a smaller child, we shouldn't intervene if a bigger child kicked her.
She grew up well-behaved and assertive, expecting others to respect the boundaries that she practised. The only time it was ever an issue was at a children's party among the children of bankers who were clearly trying to raise the next Gordon Gecko - they were little feral savages.

Most of what you're talking about OP isn't gentle parenting.

Gentle parenting and permissive parenting are not the same thing.

Because there isn't a reliance on it very supernanny/behaviourist techniques or vocal 'telling offs', gentle parenting can easily fall under the radar because it's low key. Allowing your children to misbehave, haphazardly enabling bullying behaviour is permissive, not gentle

I'm a gentle parent.

My DC know that physical violence to any living creature is a hard no.

Gentle doesn't mean no punishment. It means I'm also not violent or aggressive towards them.

They can still lose privileges, know how to apologise, feel remorse and know how to be kind!!

That’s still not gentle parenting though

A second-hand observation, but I asked a youth rugby coach if there was a pattern among the children that wouldn't listen to instruction.

"You mean the kids whose parents are teachers?" came the surprising reply.

Gentle parenting includes clear boundaries and respect. This mother was more a passive parent from what you describe.

@YellowTreeHouse

Absolutely bullshit. No way you intimidated a toddler by saying that you, as an adult, would use physical violence against him by hitting with a block.

I looked him in the eye and said if he continued to hit my child i would hit him back. I ddin't shout or scream, i told him what would happen. And he stopped. So bog off with your know-nothing assertions. I have been telling idiot parents this story for about 20 odd years. Nobody has disbelieved me because we have all met idiot non-parents.