sick of ‘gentle parents’

[strawberrysugar23]

i’m so fed up of gentle parenting - just been to soft play and a boy probably about 4 years old was whacking my 18 month old, pushing her down, kicked her in the face. obviously i kept intervening and actually told him off myself but his parent was nowhere to be seen. once i’d told him off he moved onto a different toddler whose mum approached me and asked if i knew who his parent was. said parent eventually came over and said ‘aw is he being rough?’ i said yes he’s being very aggressive to multiple toddlers, has hit/kicked/pushed and keeps following them around even after other parents are intervening. and her response was ‘ohh (child’s name) you need to be more gentle!’ in a soft voice then walked off and he continued.

sorry but wtf. if your child is as feral as that surely you say right we’re leaving and actually tell them off instead of that response? seems to be a common occurrence too, always seems to be the most aggressive kids who are being gentle parented

That’s just plain old not parenting at all.

I can see how you’d be confused as the mum said the word “gentle” but really, her actions are not gentle parenting.

That's called lack of parenting, not gentle parenting.

This is not gentle parenting. If you're following gentle parenting techniques then you ensure that inappropriate behaviour is met with relevant consequences - in this case removing the child who's hurting others from the situation and explaining why they can't play if they're going to hurt others. What you experienced was simply indulgent parenting - very frustrating but completely different.

I’m surprised you say it’s a common occurrence, I’ve literally never seen anything like that and it’s very unusual behaviour for a 4YO and an equally bizarre/shitty reaction from the parent.

I don't like this, I understand gentle parenting to some extent, like when my DD gets angry about something, I'll ask her to explain in calm words and listen to her and help her understand things as best I can. But if your child is actually being purposely aggressive or rough, then they need to be told properly what they shouldn't be doing, you don't need to shout at them, but you definitely need to be firm.

Gentle parenting involves actual parenting. Natural consequences, distraction, positive parenting instead of shaming, actual age appropriate boundaries and limits. What you experienced was not parenting. That is actually far more common than gentle parenting imho.

Nothing new. Just hands off parenting!
The main reason why sort play is one of the inner wheels of hell.

That's permissive parenting which is very different to gentle parenting techniques. Gentle parenting doesn't mean that kids can get away with anything with no consequences.

Nothing new. Just hands off parenting!
The main reason why sort play is one of the inner wheels of hell.

That’s not ‘gentle parenting’ that’s a slack parent.

Gentle parenting is actually incredibly effective and when done properly is very good for children and every gentle parent I’ve come across has very well behaved children. (I’m not a gentle parent BTW, I wish I was!)

Agree that's not gentle parenting, that's lax parenting. Totally different.

I used to teach small children, what annoys me is that a lot of the talking and explaining is completely developmentally inappropriate, which is why it doesn't work. Also, at what point are you going to intervene with your child?

Don't blame gentle parenting. A gentle parent would have sympathetically removed the child from soft play as a natural consequence for face kicking!

FWIW my child was very big for her age and parent would think she was 4 when she was two. So bear that in mind. However, she would have been supervised.

You are right that parents need to manage their child's behaviour but how that is done can vary and depends upon n the child. What you saw there was zero parenting going on.

Natural consequences like "Oh Tommy won't want to play with you anymore if you keep lamping him" or, you know, actual consequences?

I know it's not exactly what 'gentle parenting' means, but the other day I was in a shop (it was John Lewis as it happens ) and this child of about 2 walked off ahead of his Mum up the stairs, and the mum was saying in a very gentle voice 'you need to come back now.....do not go up those stairs.....I'm going to count to 5 and you need to come back down'. She started counting and the kid literally turned towards her, laughed and carried on up the stairs. This thread just reminded me of it!

I assume the op used quotation marks for 'gentle parents' meaning those who call themselves that rather than necessarily follow it properly.

What others have said. Tbf I find a lot of self-proclaimed gentle parents to be plainly ineffective, and "gentle" can get tarred with the brush of ineffective, inept, lazy etc. I'm sure there are gentle parents out there who effectively parent their children, but I haven't met them. Perhaps they are just quieter about it.

this is what i mean. i see it all the time when i take my toddler out, the whole ‘let’s not do that bobby!! you might hurt someone’ and then they still lob a soft play block at a baby anyway. it’s not effective clearly

This is very true actually. A lot of young children, and children with additional needs, cannot process all that language that comes with explaining stuff. Sometimes a firm 'no thank you!' or 'stop!' is what is needed!

Yeah that just shit indulgent parenting.
gentle parenting to me is still about setting firm boundaries, just not shouting and dominating the child. It works wonderfully with lots of children

I would describe myself as a gentle parent and there is absolutely no way my child would behave like that (and if they did, they’d be taken straight home).

mn is a funny place. This parent is getting slated for her gentle parenting yet if a mum comes on saying she scolded/shouted at her kid or punished them she gets hung and told that in no instance should you ever shout at a kid as they will be traumatized for life...

@strawberrysugar23 @Smilelesstalkmore I agree it's awful but neither of those experiences are examples of gentle parenting. They're just occasions where you've witnessed shit parents in action.

I know it's not exactly what 'gentle parenting' means, but the other day I was in a shop (it was John Lewis as it happens Wink) and this child of about 2 walked off ahead of his Mum up the stairs, and the mum was saying in a very gentle voice 'you need to come back now.....do not go up those stairs.....I'm going to count to 5 and you need to come back down'. She started counting and the kid literally turned towards her, laughed and carried on up the stairs. This thread just reminded me of it

yea this is used in schools too or rather teachers are told by the slt and managers that it's the best approach, only ime none of them ever do it themselves because it's all a load of bullshit.