sick of ‘gentle parents’

[strawberrysugar23]

i’m so fed up of gentle parenting - just been to soft play and a boy probably about 4 years old was whacking my 18 month old, pushing her down, kicked her in the face. obviously i kept intervening and actually told him off myself but his parent was nowhere to be seen. once i’d told him off he moved onto a different toddler whose mum approached me and asked if i knew who his parent was. said parent eventually came over and said ‘aw is he being rough?’ i said yes he’s being very aggressive to multiple toddlers, has hit/kicked/pushed and keeps following them around even after other parents are intervening. and her response was ‘ohh (child’s name) you need to be more gentle!’ in a soft voice then walked off and he continued.

sorry but wtf. if your child is as feral as that surely you say right we’re leaving and actually tell them off instead of that response? seems to be a common occurrence too, always seems to be the most aggressive kids who are being gentle parented

@Smilelesstalkmore thank you. I also have taught and have a child with additional needs. Sometimes you can't rationalise with a small child, particularly in difficult or dangerous situations. I have had a few mums look at me as if I am terrible when I have a told our dcs off stepping onto busy roads, when it has been close to being a nasty accident. You can always have a quiet talk about it later, at your child's level of understanding. I wonder if some parents would ever intervene.

Yanbu.
There's a "gentle parent" I used to know, made a big song and dance about how she's a gentle parent, she never says no, its all about letting her child be free, no "oppressive rules" (like bedtime).
Her kid was a complete asshole at 2, and is still an asshole at 10.

This ^

The worst thing about this style of non parenting is the voice of the parent. It's irritating as hell, so kind and tolerant, no charge in tone of voice.

I remember that 'don't you fucking dare' tone that was widely used and pretty effective, that some parents seem incapable of using now.

I saw one of these at the vets. Sick pets waiting to be seen but a kid there kept shouting and stamping around the waiting room while the parents kept saying 'please stop doing that Jonny', 'it's not nice Jonny' but did fuck all. Hate to think how that kid is now.

Love his style.
I very much agree with the short commands and don’t overwhelm with choices.

I “try” to gentle parent and in that situation DD would have been removed from softplay full stop. I have bodily lifted DD and removed her from a few situations where she was a danger to self, others or property.

Thats just not parenting.

Change not charge

For what it's worth, my DS ia autistic with PDA and so we ask him questions and give him choices to lower his anxiety and lessen chances of a meltdown, which is not just a temper tantrum, but is devastating for him. I'm not saying that's what was happening in this instance, and yes we have consequences for DS and I would have taken him home, but for everyone else on this thread, when you hear parents talking to their DC with choices and less hierarchy, this might be why. If I'd said shoes on now to DS, he wouldn't do it. Saying oh I'm putting my shoes on to keep my feet warm would have him reaching straight for his own shoes.

Bullshit!! These parents need to get off instragram
.and start controlling their brats!!

yea this is used in schools too or rather teachers are told by the slt and managers that it's the best approach, only ime none of them ever do it themselves because it's all a load of bullshit.

In my experience as a teacher (in the U.S.) none of them ever do it themselves because they’ve never taught a day in a classroom, ever.

Had this today at mother and baby group. Ds 16 months playing with a toy. This older boy around 3 took it off him then would play with another toy so I kept bringing it back to ds...repeat 3 times. My ds not old enough to understand starts crying and the feral little dickheads mum no where to be seen. I was about ready to tell him off myself. Also parents that say kind hands can fuck off too.

The one that always irritates me is ‘use kind hands’ said in a gentle tone while child is strangling the bunny/hitting a toddler.
The mum tone is very effective. Stop that right now!

But everyone has Autism now-
😮‍💨

Not gentle parenting.

I'm a gentle parent. I would probably have apologised, removed son from the soft play to talk about it and calm down together, returned to play after a while with heavy supervision and then gone home immediately if he did it again. Difference (to conventional parenting) is I wouldn't have shouted at him, made threats, hit him, taken away his screen time when he got home, or told him I was calling Santa to tell him what a naughty boy he'd been.

Cross post! 😆

But she didn’t DO shit 🤣 For a start I’d have been with my 4 year old and if he had started mullering a toddler I would have punished him by removing him from the fun and taken him home, no smacking or shouting required just some action, you know actually parenting.

I never did any of those things but I wasn’t gentle. DD knew when I meant business. I still have the tone now apparently (use it as a leader at a volunteer activity according to my teen dd!)
I also hate the man/policeman will tell you off.

Really @oakleaffy ?? My DS is a happy wonderful boy who attends a special school due to his brain being wired differently. He tries his best but he doesn't understand social interactions properly and often gets it wrong. He has boundaries and can be a superstar. But his disabilities are real. He can barely write due to motor skills problems and he finds it hard to regulate himself sometimes. Sheesh,they say autistic people have no empathy, try looking on this thread instead!

This.

Also four, I can’t remember any of my kids bashing up toddlers at that age, if he is indeed a product of gentle parenting then it hasn’t bloody worked, it seems unlikely 🤔

That’s a very bizarre definition if conventional parenting! I would regard myself as a parent on the old fashioned, strict end of spectrum (gentle parenting hadn't been invented) but I would have done exactly as you describe ‘gentle’ parenting, and not at all as you describe ‘conventional’ parenting to be.

I think SIL (DB's wife) is a gentle parent. Which is great but sometimes DNephew needs to be told he's naughty.

Recently he was quite nasty and unpleasant to me (just words) but I was really quite annoyed and upset as he knew what he said was hurtful. DB was furious and marched him upstairs to his bedroom (was staying in DM's house, I was visiting). I could've easily not bothered and let it slide and SIL always says 'Don't be nasty to Auntie/cat/Grandma' etc.

Luckily if he does hit they're getting firmer on that because sometimes he doesn't know his own strength or that a kick can really hurt!

Um, those are extreme punishments, boarding on the abusive, smacking is illegal in Scotland isn’t it, and are most definitely not conventional parenting! The only one I’d say is ok is the loss of screen time but only for older kids like 5 and up because any younger and they don’t understand delayed punishment properly.

Conventional parenting would be exactly the same response you’ve described as gentle but minus the long explanation. Apology to the other kid and parent combined with a sharp ‘do that again and we go straight home’ (and obviously following through if necessary) is how I would handle it anyway!

As others have pointed out, that's not gentle parenting. That's just no parenting.