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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be considering giving up on goddaughter?

109 replies

Rhutdvhf · 23/10/2022 18:46

I have been friends with GD’s mum since we were small children. My little goddaughter is four.

I’m absolutely fed up with my friend. For a long, long time now she’s been flakey with plans. We’ll arrange something, and 9/10 she’ll cancel on the day. This year she’s cancelled because she ‘forgot’ about the plans (which we’d spoken about only the day before), because she ‘forgot she had a wedding’, and an array of other reasons. She most recently cancelled on me this week.

We arranged a night out earlier this year and I got dressed up and got a taxi to the bar, and she turned up with the car and said she could only stay for one coke because she’d had such a busy day. It was only the two of us out.

I was seeing a man and she kept forgetting his name, and forgot we’d broken up. It grates on me but I kept letting it go.

It was her daughter’s birthday party last week and so I went to the party and took a present, and gave it to GD. She took the present and put it on the floor, unopened, and DF took it away. I haven’t had any thank you or acknowledgement of it since. No idea if she liked it.

It was my birthday this week and I got a text saying ‘happy birthday’. I don’t want a present or anything, but I do think she could’ve sent a card or asked if we should arrange birthday drinks, and I always do for her.

I’m absolutely fed up. Over the years I’ve spent a fortune on her engagement, hen do, wedding, christening presents, Christmas and birthday presents for GD without fail and she can’t remember the basics of my life, if ever she bothers asking me about them or actually turning up to something we’ve arranged.

AIBU to stop buying for GD given that it is always, always me who makes any effort to see her mother, and never the other way round? It’s not the money as such, it’s just I feel like I’m being treated like a mug always turning up to parties etc that I don’t want to really go to, when I don’t get the courtesy of any effort put in my DF.

OP posts:
TicketToRideFan · 23/10/2022 18:48

Sounds like your friendship has run its course, time to step back.

cansu · 23/10/2022 18:50

You need to separate your expectations of your friend from the child really. It depends on whether you want to continue to have an input into the GD's life or not. If your involvement is dependent on being close with her mum then drop it and them. If you value being involved in the little girl's life, stop being so involved with your friend and simply ask to see her with her dd so you can keep up with the GD. You don't have to have evenings out and celebrate birthdays etc with your friend. She sounds like she is a bit of a shit friend.

kitcat15 · 23/10/2022 18:51

Yep friendship has died a death....I don't think many people stay that close to God children these days so just step away and spend times with other friends

Emmamoo89 · 23/10/2022 18:52

Best thing to do is step away and concentrate on other friends

Original poster
Rhutdvhf · 23/10/2022 18:53

Thanks all. My relationship with GD is definitely dependent on DF given her age.

I find it tough because we have been so close for over 30 years and I don’t really want to walk away, but she has started taking the piss so badly that I just don’t know whether to bother any more.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 23/10/2022 18:54

I'm a godmother and that is separate to my friendship to their mother,so I think yabu.

Mischance · 23/10/2022 18:55

You made a commitment to her child which I think you should honour. But maybe I am old-fashioned.

Original poster
Rhutdvhf · 23/10/2022 18:55

Emmamoo89 · 23/10/2022 18:52

Best thing to do is step away and concentrate on other friends

I do. I’ve got many friends, and see some of them every week and am much closer to them than this friend. I only see her maybe four or so times a year now, plus when I go to GD’s parties, drop in her presents etc.

OP posts:
HikingforScenery · 23/10/2022 18:55

You agreed to be the child’s godmother. Her mother being terrible at being a friend doesn’t excuse you from carrying out the duty you accepted to do. What do you do for her? Do you take her out at all? Spend any time with her? Are you attempting to build your relationship ship?

Original poster
Rhutdvhf · 23/10/2022 18:56

Mischance · 23/10/2022 18:55

You made a commitment to her child which I think you should honour. But maybe I am old-fashioned.

The commitment appears to consist of buying her presents and not receiving so much as a thank you. That’s it. I try and arrange lunches with friend and GD and they’re reliably cancelled on the day.

OP posts:
EmmaGrundyForPM · 23/10/2022 18:57

Of course you shouldn't give up on your Goddaughter. You've made a vow before God to be her spiritual guardian. The child has done nothing wrong.

It's fine to give up on your friend though.

Original poster
Rhutdvhf · 23/10/2022 18:59

HikingforScenery · 23/10/2022 18:55

You agreed to be the child’s godmother. Her mother being terrible at being a friend doesn’t excuse you from carrying out the duty you accepted to do. What do you do for her? Do you take her out at all? Spend any time with her? Are you attempting to build your relationship ship?

I have tried many times to arrange plans to see her with her mum and they are always cancelled.

Neither of us are remotely religious so that isn’t a consideration, but I do feel a bit guilty stopping buying for GD because of how shit DF is. But I honestly can’t really see why I should bother continuing sometimes.

OP posts:
Mamamia7962 · 23/10/2022 18:59

I would take a step back. Friendships are a two way relationship and it seems as though it is only you who's making the effort.

tickticksnooze · 23/10/2022 19:01

Rhutdvhf · 23/10/2022 18:59

I have tried many times to arrange plans to see her with her mum and they are always cancelled.

Neither of us are remotely religious so that isn’t a consideration, but I do feel a bit guilty stopping buying for GD because of how shit DF is. But I honestly can’t really see why I should bother continuing sometimes.

Show quote history

Then why are you a godparent?

If the concept and commitment mean nothing to you then walk away.

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 23/10/2022 19:01

If this were a casual friend, I’d move on. But as this is a close friend of 30 years, who loves you and respects you enough to make you the godmother to her child, I think it would be sad to walk away without having a conversation about this first. Have you thought about telling her how her routine cancellations make you feel? I wouldn’t come to her with a laundry list of grievances, but I would pick the one thing that bothered me most and I’d have a word with her.

Also, you don’t need to buy loads of gifts for your god-daughter. That is not what the relationship is about.

BlueWalnut · 23/10/2022 19:02

Have you spoken to your friend openly about her flakiness? If she’s been ok for decades and now isn’t, I would want to try to get to the bottom of what was going on before ditching the friendship.

I have become flaky with people because I’m a front line worker and I’m so burnt out from the pandemic. The chronic stress and long days have affected my short term memory. Could something similar be going on?

kitcat15 · 23/10/2022 19:02

EmmaGrundyForPM · 23/10/2022 18:57

Of course you shouldn't give up on your Goddaughter. You've made a vow before God to be her spiritual guardian. The child has done nothing wrong.

It's fine to give up on your friend though.

But neither Op or her DF are religious.....lots of people get their children baptised because its ' the done thing' .... its just a party and somebody to buy gifts for your children....it really doesn't mean anything beyond that for most people these days

Original poster
Rhutdvhf · 23/10/2022 19:03

Actually the questions about making an effort to see her have just reminded me. When she was younger I did make an effort to ask DF and GD to lunch quite often, and I would meet them in my lunch hour from work because my job is quite flexible and I could stay back at work later if it overran, whereas DF worked Wednesday - Sunday in a not at all flexible job.

Several months after this arrangement started DF revealed she’d actually only gone back part time Wednesday - Friday but didn’t want to meet on a Saturday or Sunday because she had other things on on weekends. I stopped asking about week days after that - I was staying late at the office thinking that Mondays and Tuesdays were the only days she could do when in reality she just didn’t want to meet me at weekends.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rhutdvhf · 23/10/2022 19:04

tickticksnooze · 23/10/2022 19:01

Then why are you a godparent?

If the concept and commitment mean nothing to you then walk away.

Show quote history

Because she asked me to be and I didn’t see the harm.

OP posts:
Worthyornot · 23/10/2022 19:04

Yanbu, why should you be treated like a mug forever more just because you are a GM? That means you have no way out, and must accept being treated badly forever? Nah. I would step back from them.

PinkArt · 23/10/2022 19:05

Nothing you've written is anything to do with your GD though. Even the present being put down and no thank you - she's 4. It's not uncommon for kids that small to need prompting to say thank you and she's not going to be calling you herself to say thanks. That is on her mum, as is the rest of it.
I think you need to separate the friendship and the commitment as a godparent. The friendship absolutely sounds like a mare and pretty dead in the water and I wouldn't bother putting the effort in still. But that doesn't stop you still sending birthday and Christmas cards, or small presents, to the kid.

Original poster
Rhutdvhf · 23/10/2022 19:06

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 23/10/2022 19:01

If this were a casual friend, I’d move on. But as this is a close friend of 30 years, who loves you and respects you enough to make you the godmother to her child, I think it would be sad to walk away without having a conversation about this first. Have you thought about telling her how her routine cancellations make you feel? I wouldn’t come to her with a laundry list of grievances, but I would pick the one thing that bothered me most and I’d have a word with her.

Also, you don’t need to buy loads of gifts for your god-daughter. That is not what the relationship is about.

I don’t buy her loads of gifts, I buy her a birthday present and a Christmas present, and get her an Easter egg and advent calendar. I very rarely get a thank you. It’s more that I am expected to remember to put the effort in for those things, and yet no effort to take any interest in my life is given back.

OP posts:
tickticksnooze · 23/10/2022 19:06

Rhutdvhf · 23/10/2022 19:04

Because she asked me to be and I didn’t see the harm.

Show quote history

Then why are you posting about your "goddaughter" when actually your question is about your friend?

Original poster
Rhutdvhf · 23/10/2022 19:07

BlueWalnut · 23/10/2022 19:02

Have you spoken to your friend openly about her flakiness? If she’s been ok for decades and now isn’t, I would want to try to get to the bottom of what was going on before ditching the friendship.

I have become flaky with people because I’m a front line worker and I’m so burnt out from the pandemic. The chronic stress and long days have affected my short term memory. Could something similar be going on?

Nah, she’s been flakey for years and for years I’ve ignored it because she’s my oldest friend, but the birthday party felt like the last straw.

OP posts:
tickticksnooze · 23/10/2022 19:07

Rhutdvhf · 23/10/2022 19:06

I don’t buy her loads of gifts, I buy her a birthday present and a Christmas present, and get her an Easter egg and advent calendar. I very rarely get a thank you. It’s more that I am expected to remember to put the effort in for those things, and yet no effort to take any interest in my life is given back.

Show quote history

How is that expectation communicated? Or is it just you feel it's expected?

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