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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be considering giving up on goddaughter?

109 replies

Rhutdvhf · 23/10/2022 18:46

I have been friends with GD’s mum since we were small children. My little goddaughter is four.

I’m absolutely fed up with my friend. For a long, long time now she’s been flakey with plans. We’ll arrange something, and 9/10 she’ll cancel on the day. This year she’s cancelled because she ‘forgot’ about the plans (which we’d spoken about only the day before), because she ‘forgot she had a wedding’, and an array of other reasons. She most recently cancelled on me this week.

We arranged a night out earlier this year and I got dressed up and got a taxi to the bar, and she turned up with the car and said she could only stay for one coke because she’d had such a busy day. It was only the two of us out.

I was seeing a man and she kept forgetting his name, and forgot we’d broken up. It grates on me but I kept letting it go.

It was her daughter’s birthday party last week and so I went to the party and took a present, and gave it to GD. She took the present and put it on the floor, unopened, and DF took it away. I haven’t had any thank you or acknowledgement of it since. No idea if she liked it.

It was my birthday this week and I got a text saying ‘happy birthday’. I don’t want a present or anything, but I do think she could’ve sent a card or asked if we should arrange birthday drinks, and I always do for her.

I’m absolutely fed up. Over the years I’ve spent a fortune on her engagement, hen do, wedding, christening presents, Christmas and birthday presents for GD without fail and she can’t remember the basics of my life, if ever she bothers asking me about them or actually turning up to something we’ve arranged.

AIBU to stop buying for GD given that it is always, always me who makes any effort to see her mother, and never the other way round? It’s not the money as such, it’s just I feel like I’m being treated like a mug always turning up to parties etc that I don’t want to really go to, when I don’t get the courtesy of any effort put in my DF.

OP posts:
Aria2015 · 23/10/2022 19:07

With my dh's goddaughter we just send a pressie for birthday and Christmas and he doesn't do anything beyond that. Doesn't really see the friend whose daughter it is.

I'd just focus your efforts on other friends and maybe just do the above (ie minimum) for your GD. I know some people who use having kids as an excuse to why they can't make as much effort with friendships, but it doesn't fly with me. I have two dc and I always make sure I make my friends feel thought about on their birthdays and make sure I check up on them if they're going through anything.

LocalHobo · 23/10/2022 19:08

How could you have made commitments to be a GODparent if you are not religious? Obviously, if you made promises that you didn't believe (fingers crossed behind your back?), then I guess you would have no difficulty abandoning this child.
My relationship with GD is definitely dependent on DF given her age For a traditional Godparent this is not the case. You can pray regularly and send your GD letters/gifts on milestone dates. I always do Easter and Christmas as well as birthdays. If, in fact, you are a guide parent, do the same without the prayers.

SleeplessInEngland · 23/10/2022 19:09

Being a godparent doesn’t mean anything, if you’re done with her mother then that’s that.

Original poster
Rhutdvhf · 23/10/2022 19:10

tickticksnooze · 23/10/2022 19:06

Then why are you posting about your "goddaughter" when actually your question is about your friend?

Show quote history

Because she is my goddaughter. No inverted commas necessary. She is my goddaughter, and will be for the rest of her life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rhutdvhf · 23/10/2022 19:12

tickticksnooze · 23/10/2022 19:07

How is that expectation communicated? Or is it just you feel it's expected?

Show quote history

Absolutely expected. If I didn’t get GD a Christmas present it would be a clear message.

DF was a bit annoyed last Christmas because a mutual friend didn’t send her DD a Christmas present when she did send one to other friend’s DS.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 23/10/2022 19:14

Don't godparents undertake some serious promises to that child for life?

Original poster
Rhutdvhf · 23/10/2022 19:17

LocalHobo · 23/10/2022 19:08

How could you have made commitments to be a GODparent if you are not religious? Obviously, if you made promises that you didn't believe (fingers crossed behind your back?), then I guess you would have no difficulty abandoning this child.
My relationship with GD is definitely dependent on DF given her age For a traditional Godparent this is not the case. You can pray regularly and send your GD letters/gifts on milestone dates. I always do Easter and Christmas as well as birthdays. If, in fact, you are a guide parent, do the same without the prayers.

…I do send her gifts at Christmas and on her birthday. I have said so several times.

Lots of people are godparents despite not being religious. It’s very common and caused me absolutely no difficulty whatsoever.

OP posts:
PinkSyCo · 23/10/2022 19:18

Wow what a rude, inconsiderate woman! Don’t you say anything to her when she lets you down last minute? I would have to say something to her, and depending on her response I would probably cut ties there and then.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 23/10/2022 19:19

2bazookas · 23/10/2022 19:14

Don't godparents undertake some serious promises to that child for life?

Well yes but how do you deliver on those promises when you hardly get to see or speak to the child because the mum CBA to do her part?

OP, I would probably still buy for DGD and send cards, maybe reduce the budget and get smaller gifts. More token. Always write in the card that you can't wait to see her and spend some quality time with her.
I'd stop arranging to spend time with DF.

You could even approach DF about spending some 1-on-1 time with DGD, take her out to the softplay or farm or something a couple times a year.

SalmonEile · 23/10/2022 19:20

Does your friend still give you presents at Christmas?

honestly if your friend is happy to skip your birthday and cancel all the time then she has no right to get pissy if you don’t buy her child a present at Christmas

You don’t have a relationship with the child and unless you start offering to your friend to take the child out by yourself then that’s not going to change
it’s perfectly fine to stop meaningless presents until the friendship recovers or the child is older and you want to foster a relationship with her independently of your friend

Original poster
Rhutdvhf · 23/10/2022 19:21

2bazookas · 23/10/2022 19:14

Don't godparents undertake some serious promises to that child for life?

I can hardly take the child without her mother’s permission, and her mother cancels every plan.

I appear to have promised to buy her gifts regularly. That’s it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rhutdvhf · 23/10/2022 19:22

PinkSyCo · 23/10/2022 19:18

Wow what a rude, inconsiderate woman! Don’t you say anything to her when she lets you down last minute? I would have to say something to her, and depending on her response I would probably cut ties there and then.

No, I passive aggressively leave her messages cancelling on read without replying sometimes, but I don’t say anything. I did pull her on being so rude that she forgot ex’s name for the second time and she looked embarrassed and said she’d been busy.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 23/10/2022 19:23

YANBU
It is clear you would be happy for a godparent bond but her mum isn’t facilitating this so I see your dilemma. Maybe just send a £10 gift card for Christmas and birthdays from now on. It fulfills your obligation but doesn’t take any emotional work.

Original poster
Rhutdvhf · 23/10/2022 19:25

SalmonEile · 23/10/2022 19:20

Does your friend still give you presents at Christmas?

honestly if your friend is happy to skip your birthday and cancel all the time then she has no right to get pissy if you don’t buy her child a present at Christmas

You don’t have a relationship with the child and unless you start offering to your friend to take the child out by yourself then that’s not going to change
it’s perfectly fine to stop meaningless presents until the friendship recovers or the child is older and you want to foster a relationship with her independently of your friend

Of course she doesn’t.

I have in the past asked about taking her out without DF, who always agrees and then cancels. It’s so frustrating.

OP posts:
EmmaGrundyForPM · 23/10/2022 19:26

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/10/2022 19:23

YANBU
It is clear you would be happy for a godparent bond but her mum isn’t facilitating this so I see your dilemma. Maybe just send a £10 gift card for Christmas and birthdays from now on. It fulfills your obligation but doesn’t take any emotional work.

Sending £10 at Christmas is NOT fulfilling your duties as a Godparent. It's not about presents or money, it's about a vow to guide the child in their religious journey.

Malfi · 23/10/2022 19:26

You made a commitment to the child, so you absolutely have to honour that. That doesn’t mean you have to buy her presents etc. You don’t need to carry on the friendship with the mum, though.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 23/10/2022 19:27

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/10/2022 19:23

YANBU
It is clear you would be happy for a godparent bond but her mum isn’t facilitating this so I see your dilemma. Maybe just send a £10 gift card for Christmas and birthdays from now on. It fulfills your obligation but doesn’t take any emotional work.

Or buy DGD some bonds or pop money in an account for her for when she's older.

Original poster
Rhutdvhf · 23/10/2022 19:27

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/10/2022 19:23

YANBU
It is clear you would be happy for a godparent bond but her mum isn’t facilitating this so I see your dilemma. Maybe just send a £10 gift card for Christmas and birthdays from now on. It fulfills your obligation but doesn’t take any emotional work.

I would love a bond with her. For all that I am not religious, she is my goddaughter and I would like a relationship with her as a child and as an adult, but I hardly see her and her mum is becoming unbearably rude.

OP posts:
Rogue1001MNer · 23/10/2022 19:28

I totally understand, but I also think it seems sad to effectively punish an innocent child for something that's not their fault.

Definitely step back. Make less effort with you "friend"
But maybe keep sending presents. But perhaps smaller, cheaper? Perhaps get them delivered to their house rather than you dropping things off there?

Mischance · 23/10/2022 19:28

There may come a day when your goddaughter might need a person outside the family to turn to, so I would gently keep the door open with a gift/voucher for Christmas and birthdays if you can afford to do that.

Original poster
Rhutdvhf · 23/10/2022 19:28

Malfi · 23/10/2022 19:26

You made a commitment to the child, so you absolutely have to honour that. That doesn’t mean you have to buy her presents etc. You don’t need to carry on the friendship with the mum, though.

If I’m not friends with the mum, how do I see the child?

OP posts:
Original poster
Rhutdvhf · 23/10/2022 19:29

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 23/10/2022 19:27

Or buy DGD some bonds or pop money in an account for her for when she's older.

Show quote history

I do, £10 a month since she was born. I’m thinking very seriously about transferring it to my nephew or just withdrawing it and having a holiday.

OP posts:
Cameleongirl · 23/10/2022 19:29

I agree with PP’s, separate being a godparent from your friendship with her Mum. You can send small birthday and Christmas presents if you wish ( or just a card) and Toby have any expectations from your GD at this age.

When she’s older, you may/may not form more of a bond with her and that could be nice for you both. If that doesn’t happen, you could stop the presents, etc. at 18 and leave it there. But you may find that she’ll want to get to know you.

MightyAtlantic · 23/10/2022 19:29

Loads of people don't say thank you for gifts these days. I don't like it either but it is what it is.
I wouldn't expect to be able to meet up with friends with kids at the weekends, for some it is the only time they have to do things as a family.
You're clearly at different life stages/have different priorities. Disengage, send the kid a card twice a year, with a small gift or voucher if you're feeling generous and leave it at that. And give up on the idea that she's your goddaughter "for life" - if you don't have a meaningful relationship with her or her parents of course she won't be.

Cameleongirl · 23/10/2022 19:30

*Toby? I meant “not have”