To be considering giving up on goddaughter?

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I have been friends with GD’s mum since we were small children. My little goddaughter is four.

I’m absolutely fed up with my friend. For a long, long time now she’s been flakey with plans. We’ll arrange something, and 9/10 she’ll cancel on the day. This year she’s cancelled because she ‘forgot’ about the plans (which we’d spoken about only the day before), because she ‘forgot she had a wedding’, and an array of other reasons. She most recently cancelled on me this week.

We arranged a night out earlier this year and I got dressed up and got a taxi to the bar, and she turned up with the car and said she could only stay for one coke because she’d had such a busy day. It was only the two of us out.

I was seeing a man and she kept forgetting his name, and forgot we’d broken up. It grates on me but I kept letting it go.

It was her daughter’s birthday party last week and so I went to the party and took a present, and gave it to GD. She took the present and put it on the floor, unopened, and DF took it away. I haven’t had any thank you or acknowledgement of it since. No idea if she liked it.

It was my birthday this week and I got a text saying ‘happy birthday’. I don’t want a present or anything, but I do think she could’ve sent a card or asked if we should arrange birthday drinks, and I always do for her.

I’m absolutely fed up. Over the years I’ve spent a fortune on her engagement, hen do, wedding, christening presents, Christmas and birthday presents for GD without fail and she can’t remember the basics of my life, if ever she bothers asking me about them or actually turning up to something we’ve arranged.

AIBU to stop buying for GD given that it is always, always me who makes any effort to see her mother, and never the other way round? It’s not the money as such, it’s just I feel like I’m being treated like a mug always turning up to parties etc that I don’t want to really go to, when I don’t get the courtesy of any effort put in my DF.

Did you tell her how pissed off you were when she turned up saying she could only have one coke after you’d paid all that money and effort out?

yes give up on her

No but I think she knew that I was. I got a message as soon as she’d left (and I’d luckily met up with different friends) saying we should arrange drinks again asap because she’d been so busy that day and offering dates.

I'd feel really disappointed too - it sounds like you've made a lot of effort and your DF does not reciprocate, both in her friendship and encouraging a relationship with her DD. She's obviously flaky and maybe her life has moved on. She's just not a good friend to you.

I would dial it back with presents and asking to meet up, to be honest. Maybe as the girl grows up, you will be in her life more and a relationship can develop in its own right, but this may not happen if DF makes so little effort.

Set yourself some healthy boundaries, you are clearly getting hurt by your friends actions, find a level of maintaining godmother duties that you are happy with, sending cards and a small gift at the main occasions, putting a small amount of money away for her 18th or whatever makes you feel you are doing what's right whilst keeping a low level of contact with the mother that's within your comfort zone, if that's possible for example don't initiate requests to meet up and meet any requests from her with the level of commitment as she shows you? whatever you feel stops you feeling angry and hurt eg politely decline parties, don't be available for drinks etc. If the mother picks up on this and makes more effort or wants to discuss it and you feel responsive to this, then fine, if she doesn't: maintain a distanced but committed contact with your GD and when she's old enough you can offer more if the relationship with the mother is still civil enough, if it's gone by then , you tried your best to maintain your role without letting yourself feel taken advantage of and hurt. Your friend might be going through it at the moment or just in a phase where she would like to stay friends but just doesn't have the time or effort to give, it sounds like she tries to make effort then fails spectacularly, it doesn't excuse treating someone poorly but she might just be handling it really badly and insensitively, it might not be that she doesn't care for your friendship. Equally it could be that she genuinely doesn't. You can't really control that so you have to just choose a course of action that you can live with and see how it pans out and make decisions based on her moves and your needs.

Agree with this. I never understand why people christen and seek out godparents for their child, or become godparents, if they are not genuinely religious. It's a nonsense and you therefore need not continue with it given your friend is no longer acting as a friend.

For most people I know their godparent relationship is that of an aunt or uncle with a nephew or niece. They’re called Auntie X, receive birthday and Christmas presents etc.

Yes and I dont understand why people formalise that as a godparent taking a vow in a church if they and/or the family of the child are not religious. You can just act as an aunt or uncle as I do with my friend's child. The only difference is my friend didnt have a ceremony for her child to which people brought gifts.

Traditional, I suppose.

I’m not religious, but I quite like that I was christened in the local church.

I would put as little effort into your relationship with your friend as she does. You need to step away, she knows you put all the effort in. I'm sure she won't.
As regards your GD, just send a card with some money in at Christmas/Birthday and if you don't receive a thank you
Just stop. If your friend can't be arsed to maintain your relationship why should you.
My old boss was asked to be a GF to his friends daughter. For his GDs birthday, my boss spent a small fortune on a really thoughtful present which in time would make up a beautiful collection. One day he got into the back of his friends car and found one of his presents on the floor, dirty having been trodden on and forgotten about. He never bothered again.