To be considering giving up on goddaughter?

[Rhutdvhf]

I have been friends with GD’s mum since we were small children. My little goddaughter is four.

I’m absolutely fed up with my friend. For a long, long time now she’s been flakey with plans. We’ll arrange something, and 9/10 she’ll cancel on the day. This year she’s cancelled because she ‘forgot’ about the plans (which we’d spoken about only the day before), because she ‘forgot she had a wedding’, and an array of other reasons. She most recently cancelled on me this week.

We arranged a night out earlier this year and I got dressed up and got a taxi to the bar, and she turned up with the car and said she could only stay for one coke because she’d had such a busy day. It was only the two of us out.

I was seeing a man and she kept forgetting his name, and forgot we’d broken up. It grates on me but I kept letting it go.

It was her daughter’s birthday party last week and so I went to the party and took a present, and gave it to GD. She took the present and put it on the floor, unopened, and DF took it away. I haven’t had any thank you or acknowledgement of it since. No idea if she liked it.

It was my birthday this week and I got a text saying ‘happy birthday’. I don’t want a present or anything, but I do think she could’ve sent a card or asked if we should arrange birthday drinks, and I always do for her.

I’m absolutely fed up. Over the years I’ve spent a fortune on her engagement, hen do, wedding, christening presents, Christmas and birthday presents for GD without fail and she can’t remember the basics of my life, if ever she bothers asking me about them or actually turning up to something we’ve arranged.

AIBU to stop buying for GD given that it is always, always me who makes any effort to see her mother, and never the other way round? It’s not the money as such, it’s just I feel like I’m being treated like a mug always turning up to parties etc that I don’t want to really go to, when I don’t get the courtesy of any effort put in my DF.

You sound like hard work. Do blokes spend this much energy measuring and evaluating friendships? You either like her company or you don’t. All this keeping track and measuring what you get out of it sounds exhausting.

I already do this with £10 a month, but I am thinking about stopping.

Posted too soon!

But that is what I had hoped for - a good relationship with her when she is older. It is clearly not going to happen. Her mother is beyond self involved and it’s got to the point that she doesn’t care about anything except herself and her family and whatever affects/is of interest to them. Even when I do see her I can see her visibly losing interest when I speak.

I’m not religious either but I’m confused why you have any attachment or duty to something you don’t believe in. If you can’t have any relationship with the mother then of course you can’t with the daughter. I’d find it weird if someone wasn’t friends with me and wanted to spend time developing a relationship with my daughter.

Slightly different perspective here but do you know how your friend is feeling?
Is she coping OK? Pulling back and cancelling last minute, even forgetfulness can be symptomatic of anxiety and depression. Is she being a crap friend because she isn't actually doing OK?

Ooo well, if the exalted men wouldn’t behave like this then I mustn’t either.

Top tip for the future - What Would Blokes Do?

Thank you, all sorted now 😘

Ok, here is what I would do:

1. Stop trying to arrange things with friend. Wait and see if she values the friendship by attempting to arrange to see you. This will tell you a lot.
2. Send cards through post for the next year or so, including a £10 voucher or book token.
3. If nothing changes, scale back to cards only after 18 months or so and move on with your life.

Lots of non-religious people use the title ‘God parent’ to mean “if something happens to me, you seem sensible/trustworthy enough to raise my child”. Over time, it’s inevitable these connections have the potential to drift. You are never going to have a strong relationship with the child if you’re not a regular part of her life, and you can’t force that. I’d absolutely spend the savings money on a holiday, cut your losses and follow the above three steps before fading off into the sunset and living your life.

Ps. Your ‘friend’ sounds like a self centred dick.

She’s a crap friend, that is all there is to it. Interested only in herself. This predates her daughter, although it is getting worse. It’s the longevity of the friendship that’s kept me sticking with it. We’ve been friends since we were younger than GD.

Thanks, this actually sounds like a plan. We have theatre tickets next month. If she cancels that then this is what I’m going to do.

There are givers and there are takers.
She's also very bad mannered.
Anyone in their right mind would be pissed off with her by now.

This.
Also @Mummyoflittledragon's suggestion of a £10 in a card.

The mother has no interest in fostering the relationship, step completely back and leave it.

IMHO godparents are to support the child. Mine had 4 and in one DC's case it was the non-Christian one who helped most with spirituality, concern and support. The others did nothing.

In the OP's case I would continue to send cards and small gifts. If she can't see her goddaughter I would leave invitations and offers of treats be for the moment. Not getting cards or texts of thanks from a preschooler is par for the course unless the parents are involved - and clearly this "friend" can't be bothered.

I would keep saving that money for a bit OP and see how it shakes out, providing you can afford it.

THIS Sounds sensible. My ds was dumped by his GMum. That really hurt. I thought she was cruel to my kid whatever it was she was cross with me about.
She has to live with my judgment on her now...

The right thing to do is keep tpur duty to your GD.

Exactly this. This is why I have stepped away from a friendship and a god child. There are only so many times you can be ignored, disregarded or just not thanked.

I've had this happen twice. One when I was 17 and one in my early 30s. Both friends asked me to be a godparent for nothing more than financial gain. Both times my relationship with the mother soured to the point that I couldn't continue seeing the child anymore.

Being a godparent takes effort and commitment from both sides, saying a few words in a church on Sunday doesn't mean that you have to take being treated badly for life because you made a promise. You all made a promise and if the parents don't keep up their side you don't have to keep up yours

you can either try one last ditch attempt by doing something like message (or call ) your friend and say “Hey I’d love to bring GD to soft play/farm for her Christmas treat this year if she’d like that let me know a day that suits “ if she responds asking for a gift instead you know what the lay of the land is

I love this

Could she really have stayed close to your child whilst not being friends with you?

I know what she’d do - she’d say yes and arrange a day and then cancel the week/day before/day of the event.

I'd dropp off/send a gift at the child's birthday and Christmas. Not organise meeups anymore. You might not get a thank you but that's fine. If she wants to facilitate more of a relationship then she can contact you. You've tried and made effort. Godparents are more gift machines and "fun adults" than religious guidance if the family is not religious. My goddaughter lives about 3 miles away and we see each other few times a year cause her mum (my friend) is always busy and takes 2 weeks to answer texts. But I've accepted that it's fine. It is not upto me alone.

I d probably stop contact except sending gd a card/money/voucher. Or to arrange to drop a gift off.

I really dont understand. If you are not religious, which is what a Godparent is suppose to be, someone to help a child with their spiritual journey. What exactly do you think being a godmother is? You want to have a close relationship with this girl because she's your goddaughter. But you are not really a "god mother" are you since there is no religious aspect to your relationship. You are just her Mum's friend who feels you deserve a close relationship with her no matter what your relationship is with the mother. So bizarre.

I know what she’d do - she’d say yes and arrange a day and then cancel the week/day before/day of the event.

That is shit. I'm sorry

I view it as an auntie-style relationship.

I love your view that I feel I should ‘deserve’ a close relationship, like it would be some sort of treat for me to spend time with a four year old girl. She calls me ‘Auntie X’ and I care about her, which is why I’m reluctant to cut ties.

I also think you need to work on your comprehension skills. I was going to explain why but I can’t be arsed. Read the OP again slowly.

I think given your updates that the friendship has run its course. I would do what I have done in the past which is to stop doing the running. Dont arrange the meet ups. Leave it to her to get in touch. I think sometime people need to consider whether the relationship is important. If you are always available and always making the effort, she doesn't need to do anything. Scale right back and wait for her. I would also be clear on what you expect. She can only treat you badly if you allow it.

Instead of a voucher/gift card for this years Christmas gift, could you consider a membership to a soft play centre or zoo or something similar?
Something you can take GD to without her mum.