To be considering giving up on goddaughter?

[Rhutdvhf]

I have been friends with GD’s mum since we were small children. My little goddaughter is four.

I’m absolutely fed up with my friend. For a long, long time now she’s been flakey with plans. We’ll arrange something, and 9/10 she’ll cancel on the day. This year she’s cancelled because she ‘forgot’ about the plans (which we’d spoken about only the day before), because she ‘forgot she had a wedding’, and an array of other reasons. She most recently cancelled on me this week.

We arranged a night out earlier this year and I got dressed up and got a taxi to the bar, and she turned up with the car and said she could only stay for one coke because she’d had such a busy day. It was only the two of us out.

I was seeing a man and she kept forgetting his name, and forgot we’d broken up. It grates on me but I kept letting it go.

It was her daughter’s birthday party last week and so I went to the party and took a present, and gave it to GD. She took the present and put it on the floor, unopened, and DF took it away. I haven’t had any thank you or acknowledgement of it since. No idea if she liked it.

It was my birthday this week and I got a text saying ‘happy birthday’. I don’t want a present or anything, but I do think she could’ve sent a card or asked if we should arrange birthday drinks, and I always do for her.

I’m absolutely fed up. Over the years I’ve spent a fortune on her engagement, hen do, wedding, christening presents, Christmas and birthday presents for GD without fail and she can’t remember the basics of my life, if ever she bothers asking me about them or actually turning up to something we’ve arranged.

AIBU to stop buying for GD given that it is always, always me who makes any effort to see her mother, and never the other way round? It’s not the money as such, it’s just I feel like I’m being treated like a mug always turning up to parties etc that I don’t want to really go to, when I don’t get the courtesy of any effort put in my DF.

I have a 4yo and they get excited to see key adults in their life (who they've spent considerable time with) but if I stopped seeing a close friend, I highly doubt my DC would care at all.

I would send a birthday card but I'd stop attending the god daughters parties or sending presents unless you are also building a relationship with the child, which has to come via your friend anyway. If your friend isn't actually spending time with you with her DC then how can you build any sort of relationship where the child would notice your lack of presence?

Perhaps a conversation with the friend where you query if they are ok because you've noticed a lack of organisation, forgetfulness etc. Maybe they are genuinely struggling with something and can't keep on top of your life... but maybe they are actually just a bit of a useless friend and need calling out on this. Why did they want you to be a good parent if you can't actually spend quality time with the family?

You save £10 a month for a child you hardly see? That is crazy.

So how does she honour those promises without having access to the child? Should she go to court and ask for access to take her to church 6 times a year? Just send her letters a few times a year regarding religious instruction?

and her mum is becoming unbearably rude

I agree with you @Rhutdvhf

And I think you've been very generous

Well I started when I became her godmother and I thought I would see her a lot more.

Honestly OP I think it’s fine to back away

i have a four year old who’s “hard work “ so to speak so while I don’t cancel things last minute (I don’t agree to them in the first place ) I could be seen as not making the effort for meet ups but I’m honest with my friends about it.

you can either try one last ditch attempt by doing something like message (or call ) your friend and say “Hey I’d love to bring GD to soft play/farm for her Christmas treat this year if she’d like that let me know a day that suits “ if she responds asking for a gift instead you know what the lay of the land is

or
you can straight up ask her what’s going on

Stop making the effort.
Maybe send a birthday and Christmas gift for the child but don’t make arrangements anymore. She will soon realise and ask what’s wrong and then you can tell her!

Don't know why posters are saying you've abandoned your GD, her mum is a shite friend who obviously doesn't highly value your company.
If you sifted through the millions of godparents for the actually religious ones they'd be hardly any left!

Hi op i had the opposite to you godmother walked away 12 years ago i got over it it hurt a lot but the effort was not worth it, if i was u i wudnt walk away but i definitely wudnt be making 1st move either if she doesn’t contact you then you know where you stand your not a priority anymore and get on with your life if she makes contact when you forget to send gifts at xmas just reply sorry i’m so busy i forgot then let her moan but you can’t expect gifts if u can’t be arsed to stay in touch friendship is 2 way street all your efforts are being disregarded coz ur not important enough to her. good luck.

I find it bizarre so many people think the OP can have a bond with this kid when the mum cancels almost every meet up. Sending a birthday card every year is fine but it's not going to develop a relationship and lead to this child being oh so keen to contact the OP when she is older. The child will just ask her mum who the card is from, shrug her shoulders and put it in the pile of all other cards.

Your "friend" is taking the piss. Just stop it all, presents, saving the money for her etc.

Have a lovely holiday with the savings!

GD Mum is not your friend. I would drop friendship but continue to send card gift to God child.

I think being a god parent means SFA these days. I would let the friendship slide along with your god parent duties - whatever they are!

This ^

I too recently gave up on a friend/goddaughter. I felt sad about it, but there's only so much effort or running you can do. I hadn't even seen the GD in a few years.

£10 a month? That seems overly generous for a non relationship! Does your friend know about that and what will she do/say if you suddenly go on holiday with the savings, lol?
I think if you cease to have a friendship (and it does seem dead in the water) then you can ease off on the gifts etc for the god child. Not to forget them completely but the context has changed and you could have many years ahead of this. An appropriate token for a toy, book or whatever slipped in a card for birthdays and Christmas would be enough - forget all the other stuff.

I would stop trying to organise things with the friends. Just give it all space. She is behaving very poorly but some people just don't cope with motherhood very well and do become completely overwhelmed. Others breeze through it and remain as organised as ever. I'm an organised one until something throws me off e.g an illness and then I becomes totally overwhelmed, so I see both sides.

For the little girl, I would continue to send a card and a small present on birthdays and Christmas and I'd stop expecting a thanks for it. But I would continue until she was about 10-12yrs old and from there I would send just a card until she was 18yrs.

For a present nothing fancy.

You may find as time goes on and Mum realises you've stepped back, she comes back with a big effort.

Having read your update, I would do this. Good luck OP.

Obviously being a godparent isn’t about bunging a kid a tenner twice a year. However, my suggestion is fulfilling the obligation in the only way op is currently able. Op isn’t religious and had no intention of guiding the child on a religious journey. She is allowed to be a godparent despite not being religious. She intended made a commitment to bond with the little girl and be a guiding hand in a non religious way. The mum was happy with this at the time and so was op.

I have been in a similar situation.. I decided I made a commitment to the child, & continued to buy Xmas & Birthday presents, because it wasn't the child's fault my friendship with his mum had deteriorated/changed. This was several years ago but I still buy birthday & Xmas presents, with or without a thank you card, & I will until he's 18. If you step away from the friendship, it could even give your friends head a wobble. But don't exclude the child, they've not done anything wrong.

As for the £10 a month, take the money for yourself or your nephew. Perhaps 50/50. Whatever makes you feel better. Your goddaughter won’t seek you out when she’s older even if you send cards and a present or money.

I'm a godmother a few times over. If I were you, I'd scale presents back to a posted card and small present - and I wouldn't be making myself available to DF anytime soon. See how long it takes her to contact you and organise something. 30 year friendship but she doesn't seem to put any effort in at all.

You are unlikely to ever have a relationship with the girl....I would give the money to my nephew if it was me....family first every time for me

Instead of buying birthday and Christmas presents, why don’t you put away £5 a month in a savings account or ISA for her and give it to her when she is 18 or 21? DD1 has a really nice relationship with her godmother now that she is an adult, as they like the same things and enjoy each other’s company.

No, DF doesn’t know and has never known. I always thought I’d give it to GD when she was an adult herself.