Anyone leave their horrible DH when their kids were little?

[kMix]

two dc are 2. DH is horrible to me, sometimes to one of the kids. I mean he's not horrible all the time, but if I pull him up on stuff he can be horrible. Sulking. Unable to have a conversation without shouting. Poor MH. too.

Anyway - pls don't tell me he won't go for custody. I know him. He will. He will go for as much as he can possibly can. And he will make every single thing as difficult as possible. he will stay in the house. he will refuse to sell etc

I feel it's totally unreasonable to leave my kids to deal with him without me there. Should I wait until they're older and can have a say? They have a decade of having to go see my DH without a say.

People are always LTB but if anyone has ever been in my position - can they understand why it feels impossible to leave? Any stories or advice of people who have been through it?

Please just leave. By staying you are teaching the children that husband behaviour is acceptable.

I have never been in your position and doubt I will be (that's not knocking you or your decisions - but I don't have children and will not have them).

But what strikes me is that you are asking on behalf of your children which is understandable, if you are a parent. But what about YOU and YOUR life? Why should YOUR life be about being stuck to a horrible person?

My advice is: Get out now.

Yes, he might go for shared custody, as is his right. As much as you dislike him, he is still their parent. There is nothing in this world will ever change that.

I am in a similar situation OP, so I know where you are coming from. I’ve also decided to stay for now. The kids don’t particularly like being left with him as it is (he isn’t mean as such - shouts a lot, doesn’t like them making any mess, puts a film on and expects them to sit quietly and watch it while he sits on his phone kind of thing) and cry if I have to go out. I can’t imagine having to drop them off and leave them all weekend it would be so heartbreaking. The one piece of advice I can give is that it doesn’t get better as they get older. My oldest is now 9 and is always trying to get her dad to ‘like’ her (pretending she shares an interest, begging to go to the supermarket with him etc) and it’s so sad. I personally think it would’ve been better to leave while they’re still young as I carry a lot of the parenting load and I think he would’ve had to pick that up if he was on his own with them (for eg he won’t go out to the park or anything because it’s ‘boring’ but you can only keep them in so long before they climb the walls! He would’ve worked that out after a few weekends!). 💐

You’re right that you lose the ability to get any say in what happens when they’re with their dad. And that can be very worrying when they’re so little.

BUT and it’s a huge but, right now you aren’t in control of it anyway. He’s horrible to you and one of the DC. They are subjected to this at home. There’s no safe place where this doesn’t happen.

At least if you leave, your home is a place where everyone treats each other well.

If he’s not demonstrably the primary carer for kids now, he can ‘try for custody’ all he likes. But they will remain resident with you as their primary carer and stay with him
according to an appropriate contact schedule. What’s appropriate is about their needs not his too. In any case, the bastards that threaten this shit turn out to not actually want it. They’re just trying to scare you into not leaving. They’re not going to actually want the reality of looking after young children as a single parent and juggling that with work. The threats of custody etc are just part of their abuse.

I left my STBXH just before our DS’s first birthday. Because a life of living with someone who is horrible to you, treats you with open contempt and is openly unwilling to consider or care about you is terrible. What is more, it’s terrible for children to witness their mother being treated that way. It’s much better to draw some boundaries and say you’re not putting up with it. You should be treated with respect in a relationship and your children need to see that. Since their father won’t treat you with respect, it’s much better to not be in a relationship with him.

Life can be much better for you and
your children than this.

@SudocremOnEverything so the issue is I earn 3 times what he does and work full time. He has left jobs in a huff and taken less and less money for less hours. Kids r still in childcare 4 days. I am their main carer in the sense I do all nights, know all their routine, drop offs, their food, their admin, their clothes but he is actually at home more than me during the week but he does sweet FA with them. I'm in such a stupid position.

Yes my DC were under 1 and 3 when we split. He was nasty to me, unavailable to them, controlling and an addict.
Of course he threatened to take them when we split. Didn't happen. The next 8 years were tough, I won't pretend they weren't. He lived with various relatives. Contact was sporadic and I was always worried when DC were with him. He wasn't nasty to the kids but he still tried to bully and control me by not paying any maintenance for months at a time and then stopping altogether, as well as threatening me in front of our DC.
I had to go to court about his drinking after he'd been wasted one day during contact with DC and this changed him. He never asked to see our DC again. That was 3 years ago and he died from alcoholic liver disease earlier this year.

I don't regret ending the relationship. My kids never have to walk on eggshells in our home. They can be themselves. My eldest had to deal with her dad bullying her when she got older and she chose to go NC when she was 15. The last time she spoke to him was just before he died as I'd realised he wasn't going to get better and I didn't want her to regret not giving him a chance to explain. The call was helpful in some ways and heartbreaking in lots more.

My DC can now see what a healthy relationship looks like, as my DP is respectful and calm. Of course he hasn't replaced their dad and he'd never try to, but my children can see how a happy couple behave towards each other. No one is scared of anyone in this house. My DC can trust the people they live with. We laugh and have fun (not all the time obviously!). My children are growing into amazing young people and I would do it again every time.

The evidence (and the nursery probably have records of drop offs and pick ups) shows that you’re doing the care. He’s just there being unemployed (different to being a SAHP!).

He can’t afford the house on his own. But I bet you can. So the children can stay in the house with you. And the divorce settlement can reflect the difference in needs. Just because you earn more, it doesn’t mean he’s the party with greater needs.

See a good solicitor. You will be ok.

I could have written your post. I really wanted to suffer through it for the kids as they were very young and I thought I could shield them from his behaviour. But he got worse and worse and we all walked on egg shells. I left in the end for the DC as by staying I was normalising and minimising abusive behaviour. He also had very limited involvement with the kids - I could count on one hand the amount of times he took them to the park in 5 years - but it was a bitter and v v expensive custody battle and the courts place no value on the previous status quo. I have never looked back though. Please DM me if you want.

The fact he has limited his income (on purpose) just means he is unlikely to be able to afford an expensive custody battle in the courts…

Can you put the kids back into childcare for the fifth day?

I left when my twins were 2. Ex husband was controlling and nasty and he did everything he could to make life difficult. However, my (now adult) children have had love and stability with me and are confident, stable adults who both have loving relationships with their partners. I remarried so they saw a loving relationship which they wouldn't have known if I hadn't left.

My advice would be to try and keep your house (I didn't and regret it) and get him to move out. Use the CSA (or equivalent) to ensure he gives financial support. Keep a routine for access visits (we did alternate weekends and Chrismases) and never bad mouth each other to the children (my ex did and their relationship broke down to the point where neither child has kept in contact). It's scary at first but I don't regret it one bit.

Leave. I left when DD was 1. Its taken work, she's 5 now and couldn't be a happier kid. We have managed to co parent well. She's only ever known us as 2 seperate parents rather than living together in a shit environment as a 'family'.

Best thing I ever did

Please call Womens aid and get good legal advice.

He has reduced his income as part of his abuse.

Do not let on you are seeking advice.

My Mum did when we were 2 and 4.

Although in my childish way I wanted them to "get back together", they DIDN'T get on, and things were much calmer, both at home (Mum brought us to live with her Mum at first and then bought a fixer upper round the corner) and visiting Dad.

I will say Mum was relieved when Dad (within 3 years iirc) got married again (to a young divorced Mum) as our SM was a responsible woman, whereas Dad wasn't that brilliant at caring for small children. I don't think I owe her my life - but I might!!

My takeaway from all this was to pick my own DH very carefully - even so, despite this, the early years were rocky as both Mum and Dad still rowed with their new spouses and I had literally no idea what a loving happy marriage looked like. I got better by following his family's example.
So pick DH #2 from the guys with big happy families who never have a cross word, is my suggestion!

@SudocremOnEverything Yes, I can just about afford it all without him. I mean - I would have to be really careful but I could do it. But I certainly can't afford lots of lawyers etc. If take all the outgoings and add up all my income and a couple of extras (i've taken on freelance evening stuff I can do after kid bedtime) - I can pay for it all but no wriggle room. I just wish he'd disappear. But if he makes my life difficult my money will run out v quickly if that makese sense. I mean he doesn't have much money but i bet you he will up his hours again if he thought it would mean getting money to get me back. He will hate me so much i can't bear to think about it. Not because I care if he hates but hating me will be the only thing he has in in life if that makes sense.

@use38567483 Yes - I wish I had picked my DH more carefully. He seemed better than a lot of the blokes I knew. And I loved him. I did have some warning signs that I ignored like an idiot. And then had kids in covid and it all went awful and it's never got better. He just gets angrier every day. Itts all my fault.

There will be no DH2 so I won't hvae to worry about that.

But I know i don't love him because like your mum - the thought of him meeting someone else actually would be reassuring that he wouldn't go completely off the cliff and neglect the kids on his weekends etc. Though wouldn't want another woman to experience him. But i certainly would never feel jealous. I couldn't care less if he slept with every woman in the world.

Yes, I did. My youngest was under 2 when I began the process.

What I had to do in the end was file for divorce and apply for a financial settlement and a child arrangements order all at the same time.

All of the claims got settled: agreed in the end but by applying to court you ensure that he has to engage with it / offer something sensible. Or if not, the court makes an order.

I would see a solicitor or direct access barrister though - even if it’s just for advice and you have to do the forms yourself (direct access barrister can’t do the forms etc) so that you know what you’re entitled to.

Thanks for all your stories encouraging. God it's going to be so rough. He gets so sensitive - deamnds the kids attention shouting their name and then says "they hate me" when they cry for me.

Tbh it’s bloody stupid to tell you to pick a better DH now this has all happened. I thought I was picking a good DH/ good father for children too - he was an amazing uncle and on paper should have been brilliant. Actually a lazy and EA arsehole.

I walked out taking a 3 and a 5 year old with me.

i wish i could just put the kids in the car and go somewhere else. But all my life savings are in this home and it's the kids home. I want to fight for it. Which i guess might mean us both living under the same roof while we fight it out which is hell.

So I can't comment as the parent but I can comment from the child's perspective and my god how much better my life would have been if my mum had been able to leave when we were young. It's a myth that kids don't know what's happening, we see everything and a disruptful relationship is worse than separation in the long run.

I’ve been in this situation too unfortunately. Ex started off with threats with full custody and gradually reduced over the last 18 months to a few hours alternate Saturdays. I think the reality of looking after young children alone hit him in all honesty. It’s one thing threatening custody and another thing looking after young children alone and all the comes with it. Like you I’ve always done it all so no different now except one less person to cater to. Has been tough but overall children are happy and settled. They have a safe and stable home and live well.

Is there any way to call his bluff? When he demands custody to appear to agree and request weekends or EOW? And ask him to buy you out of the house etc?

You can move out with the DC and then fight for the house. It would at least establish you as primary parent.

Is there enough equity in the house to fund 2 smaller homes?

I would behind them scenes to get your ducks in a row to make child arrangements be more in your favour when you split.