Anyone leave their horrible DH when their kids were little?

[kMix]

two dc are 2. DH is horrible to me, sometimes to one of the kids. I mean he's not horrible all the time, but if I pull him up on stuff he can be horrible. Sulking. Unable to have a conversation without shouting. Poor MH. too.

Anyway - pls don't tell me he won't go for custody. I know him. He will. He will go for as much as he can possibly can. And he will make every single thing as difficult as possible. he will stay in the house. he will refuse to sell etc

I feel it's totally unreasonable to leave my kids to deal with him without me there. Should I wait until they're older and can have a say? They have a decade of having to go see my DH without a say.

People are always LTB but if anyone has ever been in my position - can they understand why it feels impossible to leave? Any stories or advice of people who have been through it?

@RandomMess yes - there is enough equity to fund two smaller houses - two deposits but poss still not enough for him to buy house on his salary. i think perhaps then they would give him bigger % of equity in order to ensure he can get house as i could get a mortgage on my salary and he could only get v. small one. even then i don't know if he'd do it.

here's the real kick in the shins. all the equity is from me (well my gran when she died). he was in debt when he met me with no savings, renting in a houseshare. i really really can't get my head round telling my family i've lost all gran's money to DH, but that is a real possibility given our current set up eh?

we been married 4 yrs.

what do you mean make it more favourable? me quit my higher paying job?

Evidence that you do the parenting.

Consider a 9 day fortnight.

Evidence that he does sweet FA with them.

Move out into rented WITH the DC.

Make it so he has to get a full time job if possible.

He's going to such more money out of you the longer you are together tbh.

actually that is a stupid suggestion of mine @RandomMess - once all this is over i'll need all that salary and more to pay for everything. i'm so scared of losing our home and all that money. he was cracking up at work. i thought him doing less hours would be answer

When did you inherit the money from your nan? Was it before your marriage?

Does your family know what’s happening? Could you go to them or a friend if you need to get out?
I am sure your granny would have cared more about your happiness and safety than about the money.

Leaving the family home does not disqualify you from claiming any portion of its worth OP

The longer you stay with him the more he may be entitled to if you divorce

i don’t think there will ever be a right time to leave him

can you try to persuade him that you need a break to think things over and he could move in with a family member fir a few weeks

then just don’t have him back

I left when the kids were 5 and 8. We lived in temporary accommodation for a while, then moved back in to the family home and he moved out.

What I would say is that old cliché about getting ducks in a row. I saw a solicitor a year before he left, so I was very sure of my financial situation and what he was entitled to. I also knew what I needed to evidence his abusive behaviour.

I didn’t have a plan as such, but one day he basically threatened to leave and I took him up on it. That was October. Two weeks after he left I disobeyed him, he came to the house after I asked him not to and tried to kick the door down.

By Christmas I had a court order, custody agreement and child maintenance in place. He always told me he would fight for custody, tell the school I was an unfit parent, report me to social services about my (non existent) MH issues… everyone saw through it all. We’re in so much of a better place now.

Definitely make an appointment to speak with a solicitor to find out your options.

Tell your family what's going on to get some support.

My DD went through this.
She's been free from the arse for 5 years now. He's seen the kids maybe twice in all that time.
He also threatened to go for full custody.

I left when DD was 3. When I say left, I kicked him out. He was constantly depressed, unable to hold down a job, got us into debt and seemingly hated spending time with us as a family because he preferred drinking.

Every time he threatened suicide or told me he was going to smash all the windows, or kick the front door in, I rang the police. I was not about to teach my daughter that you have to stay with a man because you're afraid to leave.

All his threats about going for custody proved to be just that - threats. He had no desire to be saddled with a child, and so off he fucked. He occasionally pops up and treats DD to the benefit of his company for a couple of hours, but she already has the measure of him.

Yes. Wish i had done it earlier. They were 3 and 6

He's currently crashing round the house moving furniture really loudly, not looking at me, not talking to me. I can't even remember what I've said wrong today. I hate living in this atmosphere.

I just want to say "what's wrong" and either make up or at least have a fight. But both are useless. But I just can't stand this silence.

I hope this thread encourages you to think about leaving. Crashing around with a lot if noise can be a way abusive men remind you of the possibility of violence- don’t know if this applies to your partner but it’s definitely something I’ve experienced. Has he been violent in the past, doesn’t have to be directly to you.

I left when my DC were 1, 2 and 4. Fifteen years later and I have no regrets. Your story is very similar to mine. Please LTB, it’s better for your DC not to model an abusive relationship as they grow up.

Get some counselling to support your decision-making/mental health. It is very hard to leave. Hard to know the DC are there alone. From when they were at school, my eldest DC had an old mobile phone so they could call me if there was an emergency with their DF.

My DC only ever had EOW with their DF, it was not easy to negotiate (via solicitors) but I was adamant I wanted to minimise their exposure to his poor behaviour/ abuse. Years later and two of the DC have chosen to have no relationship with their DF - it is sad but his behaviour just is so unpleasant (to put it mildly).

I hope that my DC make better choices in their DPs than I did.

The fact you are contemplating leaving shows you know what is best overall for your DC.

Left (well, managed to get him to move out actually but then paid mortgage on my own for a few years until he was able to buy me out) when I had 3 year old twins, 5 yr old and 11 yr old.

It was hard. He made my life very difficult. He told lies about me to other people.

He threatened 50% or full custody at times but I eventually called his bluff and then he left it, being an EOW dad was more than enough for him as he didn’t like the hard work of looking after them.

I am so glad I did it and so proud of myself for getting out. Happily remarried and enjoying every second of it, with my DC witnessing a happy relationship where I am treated well (and them, he is a great stepdad),

Get legal advice, and then move ahead just taking it one step at a time.

Thank you. You lot are amazing. It feels so daunting. He's a v proud man and he sees himself as a very good father, which he tells me often so gonna take a lot for him to not get 5050. Problem is he doesn't cope with them but instead of admitting that he will shout, be sarcastic, slam doors, and then sulk with video games or phone, give them an ipad and some biscuits and ignore them.

He's still sulking and gaming right now and I broke and went up to him and asked to talk. WTF is wrong me. He didn't look up and just said "I need space from you"

Why am I asking him to talk? I don't wanna talk. I want all the space in the world but I can't resist this feeling to try and make it all OK again.

Sorry for minor stupid updates. No one to talk to in a silent home.

I left when DC were 4 and 14 months. He had just become increasingly irritated and bad tempered in the 7 years I'd known him. I realised that he couldn't handle family life, he wanted everything in the house to be perfect even with two small DC, he blamed me for everything, he controlled all the money......
So yeh, he did try to go for residency except while it was being sorted he couldn't even take both of them out, he wanted me to come too. If he threatens to go for full custody say ''yes, I'd quite like the break half the week, the opportunity to work, earn, save, some freetime, I'd like that, it'll be better for all of us'' even if it fills you with so much fear. I played it all wrong. BEGGED him not to put us through all of this so of course that is precisely what he did. A few tough years but I have never regretted leaving him. He was an arse. He was too lazy for toddlers and children but he cannot connect with them now they're older. He was only ok between ages of about 7 and 11

@DanniDryer Yeah, my nan would have wanted me to be happy.

But my DM will be fuming. She said "you are sure aren't you" when we bought our house together. And she's said to me before "being a single mum is hard" with that look on her face. Like she knows what I'm contemplating. Dh is v mild mannered. She won't see an issue. She also thinks I have the worst taste in men (true) and I always leave them because they're horrible to me and I feel embarrassed at thus point. But the money is gonna hurt her. She will be depressed and angry about it all.

ps, i know you want to talk to him as a way of getting rid of the anxiety but that keeps you in the loop, keeps you like the rat in the cage pressing the button that releases the sugar. INSTEAD, from now, be conscious of the anxiety that you're feeling, who is causing it and literally sit with that discomfort until you notice it easing. It will, I promise you. Mediations, yoga, a walk, time passing, a comedy on netflix, drawing with your kids........ bit by tiny bit the anxiety will ease. I know it's an excruciating feeling but if you return to the source of your anxiety trying to force some breif connection that will easy it, then you are still stuck, still reliant on him to ease you anxiety. Learn that it will eventually pass. Send that message to your core self that you can handle this and you can notice it lessening and you will get there. Regardless of any conversation you have with him. What you're aiming for is to be in control of your own emotions so do not go back to him looking for him to ease your pain right now. I hope this sounds kind because I don't want it to come across as a ''reprimand'' but this is the mistake I made until I realised I was just keeping on going back to the vomit. I couldn't heal. I couldn't get stronger until I stopped trying to make him understand what an arse he was. He still thinks he's great and that I left him on a whim and destroyed his life but I could not give one single solitary shit any more. His distorted mindset is his business. I'm in a good place.
Wishing you a lot of strength xx

The silent treatment is emotional abuse. Focus on emotionally detaching from him

Hi, I'm currently leaving my husband, he's been emotionally abusive, I was staying for the kids until I realised I didn't want them to feel that they should stay in relationships like this, or accept behaviour like his. He wants 50/50 and might get it as I've never reported abuse, and it's all been low level, constant, but not dramatic enough for police. I've come to terms with the fact that I will give them a stable home, with routines and stability. He isn't abusive to them and they love him, it makes me sad, but I'll just focus on the time I do have with them. Remember doing less hours will improve your chance of more custody, I'm only worried he'll get 50/50 as he's saying his hours will reduce. Otherwise it just doesn't make sense. My kids are 4 and 6.

Also women's aid have been really helpful and supportive x

I left when my kids were 3 & 5. It wasn’t easy. He immediately took me to court and got residency. We had a hellish few years, complete with SS & police involvement. After a few years of that I took him back to court and residency was reversed. A year after that the divorce was finally finalised, he was forced out of the house and it was sold. I’d originally put all the deposit in and I got the vast majority of the proceeds of the sale, phew. It took years going through the court system - it was stressful, expensive, and seemed neverending.

Now my kids are 9 & 11, I own my own house and I got remarried to a wonderful man (despite initially swearing I’d never have another relationship again!). My kids are happy, settled, and healthy, and are living in a happy household where they can see what a healthy relationship looks like. The court ordered contact with their dad, and I try my best to encourage it, but sometimes he doesn’t bother and sometimes they just point blank refuse to see him. That’s on him.

It was a very difficult few years at first, but I’m confident that ultimately it was the best thing for both my kids and myself.

Just leave my love. Nothing will ever feel worse or be harder than what you are living with. Ive been in extreme poverty and dragged thru every court... family... accused of everything. False reports to ss. Divorce he threatened id run out of money before him but with a second job and selling nearly everything of value i paid the 14k fees. Final hearing soon and im glad i have legal representation even though its killed me. Im hoping its all ending by dec and he has no more links or ability to control anymore
As much as its been hard. I still turn my key and lock my door and me and the kids have a loving peaceful home where we can rest and not be dominated by a monster.

Use womens aid and support thru court and local dv charities they are amazing