Anyone leave their horrible DH when their kids were little?

[kMix]

two dc are 2. DH is horrible to me, sometimes to one of the kids. I mean he's not horrible all the time, but if I pull him up on stuff he can be horrible. Sulking. Unable to have a conversation without shouting. Poor MH. too.

Anyway - pls don't tell me he won't go for custody. I know him. He will. He will go for as much as he can possibly can. And he will make every single thing as difficult as possible. he will stay in the house. he will refuse to sell etc

I feel it's totally unreasonable to leave my kids to deal with him without me there. Should I wait until they're older and can have a say? They have a decade of having to go see my DH without a say.

People are always LTB but if anyone has ever been in my position - can they understand why it feels impossible to leave? Any stories or advice of people who have been through it?

@supertato32 I love your username. A fave book in our house.

Yes, I think when reality hits he won't want 5050. But his pride will get in the way from admitting that he can't cope. He already can't cope.

But if I say I think he should shout less/tidy up more/help out etc he goes on about what a good dad he is...do anything for his family...kids are his entire life etc

He doesn't have many friends anymore. Hates his job. Doesn't go out drinking. He likes video games but it's not like the kids are getting in the way of his bachelor life.

I'd love it if he stepped up and Co parented them with me. But given he's impossible to have a conversation with can't imagine that happening

Do you still argue with your ex? How's your DD?

Thank you @billy1966 you are always so kind on threads i see. I know you can't stand the thought of the kids seeing all of that and neither can. I feel awful I didn't manege to deescalate it and instead I lost my cool too when he marched off.

yes, I left my abusive ex when my children were 5 and 1, youngest is now 18 and at uni, eldest also moved out and works full time.
It has been rough and wonderful at the same time- rough working long hours and not seeing them much when they were young, been at financial breaking point many times (including now), almost ended up homeless at one point, but we have also had some amazing times just the three of us too. They barely see their dad now, their choice as I never shielded him from showing them what a useless parent he was, no need to criticise him to the kids- they could see for themselves how selfish he was. Twenty years of being financially strapped for cash. but now they are both adults I’m really trying to focus on my career.

I left, best thing i ever did. And my dc agree (much older now). I was so worried about him having access and his awful negative hateful influence but all its done has push dc away from him. I used to catastrophise when dc were younger that they'd hate me for leaving and blame me etc but the reality couldn't be further from the truth.
Children always know, believe in yourself and the calm peaceful life that it is waiting for you

His behaviour is on HIM.

You are responsible for you.

But logging his behaviour is the brave thing to do.

You and your children deserve better than this and you do not have to accept it.

The first step is to tell your friends and family the truth.

Ask for support.
Get legal advice.

Don't hesitate to say you are scared of how angry he gets with you and the children.

How you try and deescalate out of fear.

Play up your fear of him.

Getting a recommendation for a decent solicitor.
Calling Women's aid for advice.
Telling your GP.
Asking the solicitor is an occupation order a possibility.

Of course you are fearful, but this is only going to get worse.

Are your parents nearby and supportive?

Let those who care for you help.
I think calling the police the next time he starts on you would be a good idea.
Get him removed from the house.

Keep posting.
We are here for you.

I agree with everything @billy1966 has said on this thread. OP, you are in an abusive relationship. Please talk to your family and friends about what is happening to you. Is there somewhere =safe that you and the children can go?

I do understand your worries about custody and I had the same fears myself- in the end my ex only wanted EOW and he's still a shit but at least DC have a home which is safe and in which they are not abused or forced to watch their mother abused. I understand the urge to stay to protect them from being alone with him, but the fact is you can't protect them by staying- you are there and he is still being abusive. (To be clear, this is entirely on him.)

Please go to your dinner tonight. Talk to your friends and be honest about how bad it is. Let them help you see the way forward. Or if you genuinely don't think you can safely leave him with DC, that's your cue to get all of you out and to safety.

I went out tonight with a few friends. On the last train feeling the guilt. Maybe I shouldn't have left the kids? I feel so determined that this is it. I do not love him. Thank you for everyone being kind xx

You don't love him and he treats you like a skivvy and is abusive towards you.

Get recommendations of solicitors that get good outcomes for those in a similar situations to you and book an appointment asap.

You can do this and you and the DC will be so much happier

I’m glad you went out. Hope it goes well with the solicitor. If your husband is already looking for rooms, perhaps he’ll be less resistant than you fear.

Talk to someone you can trust. Make sure you have a decent pot of cash in an account he doesn’t have access to. Good luck, you can do this.

We never had a joint account so I got access to cash. Parents quite supportive but v far away up north. DF is pretty angry and depressed and drinks and this won't help him.

I took the car keys with me last night as was worried he'd take DC to his mums. Probably being paranoid but I feel so scared about the DC.

What happens to your earning s and the child benefit- where does that money go?

Oh I misread that you do have access to money. Try and stockpile as much as you can.

Presumably the CB is in your name?

Could you leave and rent somewhere while starting divorce proceedings? He can't fight the divorce now as its a no fault system, so you should keep the costs mininal. If he gets joint custody its no different from him looking after them while you are at work, and he would soon be bored with it, and take them less often. The house sale will be forced and you will get half. Maybe enough to buy on your own.

You do realise hiding money pre divorce is against the law?

Not saying don't do it, but be very careful.

I don't think I said hide it?? I actually meant cash in her bank account where she has access to it potentially to move out and rent or if she ends up in a refuge.

Be aware he will escalate the nasty/nice unpredictable cycle once he senses you are detaching.

Please speak to woman's aid and Rights of Women find out what you need to evidence an occupation order so he needs to move out whilst finances and divorce are sorted.

Can you and the kids go and stay somewhere safe while you ask him to move out? Is there a friend or family more local than parents you could stay with? Do you need to stay close to your work or can you wfh?

Might be better not to involve your parents too much if your dad’s drinking and your mam’s more worried about the money.

@kMix - leave now, while the children are little and require hands on care. He won't want to bother with that - not 50% of the time anyway, or even 20%. Don't wait till they're old enough to be parked in front of a TV or fobbed of with iPads and Playstations.

You are an intelligent woman and will be able to do a fair bit of legwork with the divorce paperwork, thus saving on lawyer fees. Educate yourself: Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies, websites of divorce law firms, etc. Gather all your financial documents: bank statements, investments, tax stuff, mortgage and so on. (Do you have proof of your financial contribution to the house deposit?)

Then see an experienced family solicitor and go from there. You can do this!

I can’t help you decide about the finances.

But with reference to the children, what is his family like?

When my BIL separated and had weekend custody of his DD of about 5years, he started coming to stay with us regularly. Ideal for him as my DD was only a couple of years older. He had his brother to drink with, my Dd to amuse his Dd, and obviously me doing all the cooking and childcare. I didn’t mind as I had the welfare of his little girl at heart. But it made me see him differently. But his Dd had a lovely time with us when he had custody.

So has he family that he would use like this, and thus your children would be protected from his bad moods. Do you have a good relationship with your mil that you could talk to and perhaps would keep an eye on things?

I hate this man. And I don’t even know him.

get him out. How dare he terrify your children? What a vile disgusting individual

please ask him for some space

tell him you need to think things over

he will always be dysfunctional

he became this way because he was exposed to exactly the same thing as he is exposing to your children

this is the cycle of abuse, father abusive, teaches son to be abusive

you don’t want your children growing up to be abusive or falling into relationships with abusers

the longer you stay the more likely this is to happen

Ah - god - I just did a divorce finance calculator thing and it told me I would have to pay him maintenance. wtf.

He took the kids swimming. All came back pretending to be pirates and full of laughs. He is starting to talk to me all nice again. Made me lunch.

I know none of that is relevant really. I'm going to start writing stuff down that he says or does - for the custody stuff but also to try and keep me focussed on what kind of man he is. He is so good at making the family feel so nice.

Yes @RandomMess child benefit in my name. Everything is in my name. The car, the bills, etc.

Keep specific note of having to take the car keys with you any time you leave the house as he will DUI even with the children.

This is not the time to be generous towards him.

Total character assassination if necessary.

Keep thinking of him screaming at your child if you feel any compassion seeping in!

Only if he had the DC 50:50 and then he would have to pay for nursery, clothing etc for his days etc. usually when DC are 50:50 neither parent pays maintenance?

Evidence that you are primary parent and in reality 50:50 is not best for such young DC.

Don't stress.

Ah - god - I just did a divorce finance calculator thing and it told me I would have to pay him maintenance. wtf.

Please don't just rely on an online divorce finance calculator thing!

Educate yourself, collect the financial documentation, and have a one time consultation with an experienced family solicitor. At least you'll have clarity about where you stand and can plan accordingly.

Do it now, while the children are little. It'll only get more difficult if you delay.

I was playing with the kids and H came up to me and started hugging me and then he started crying and clutching me all intensely. He was crying into my shoulders and then he scooped up the kids and hugged us all together saying "we are a family" and other stuff like that.

Its like he can sense when I've had enough.

Anyway you lot don't need every update from my life ha ha. Just not got anyone to talk to in real life really.

Thank you for all your advice and I'll be on to solicitors on Monday

Yep he will sense you pulling away and up the anti and turn on the emotional guilt screws.