Anyone leave their horrible DH when their kids were little?

[kMix]

two dc are 2. DH is horrible to me, sometimes to one of the kids. I mean he's not horrible all the time, but if I pull him up on stuff he can be horrible. Sulking. Unable to have a conversation without shouting. Poor MH. too.

Anyway - pls don't tell me he won't go for custody. I know him. He will. He will go for as much as he can possibly can. And he will make every single thing as difficult as possible. he will stay in the house. he will refuse to sell etc

I feel it's totally unreasonable to leave my kids to deal with him without me there. Should I wait until they're older and can have a say? They have a decade of having to go see my DH without a say.

People are always LTB but if anyone has ever been in my position - can they understand why it feels impossible to leave? Any stories or advice of people who have been through it?

Please don’t let what your DM thinks make you stay. Surely she would rather you were happy and safe? And if not, do you really care about her opinion?

Ps she’s right that being a single mum can be hard but it’s a lot less hard than living with an abusive man.

Well what else is your Mum suggesting... Has she got a rich, single friend looking for a cocklodger who could spirit your DH away so that he make minimal claim on finances (and does she have a butler who can help look after the kids on access visits)?
Can't see anything else that would work!

How are things today, OP?

Thanks for asking @Bananamaman

All settled down a little. Yesterday he insisted on driving me to a routine hospital check up thing which was really weird and then he cooked dinner, was making jokes, being silly etc. But I'm writing down all the stuff from before because I always forget it when he starts being nice. He woke up this morning and is being spiky again anyway. He can't keep up the being nice thing v long!!

I'm alright. I'm not scared about going it alone. I just can't imagine him ever accepting it.

Thus is the cycle of abuse.

If he was nasty all the time you would be gone.

He doesn't have to accept it's over you just divorce him anyway

I am glad you are ok. @RandomMess is right about the cycle of abuse and its effect in keeping you there. Writing things down seems a good idea so you can keep it clear what is happening and how often.

In your shoes, I would be making preparations to leave and I would also make sure you have a plan in place in case you need to get out very quickly for your safety. You and your children should not have to live like this, in fear of your parter and his behaviour. I do understand your worries about joint custody but even if he did go for 50-50, it’s still much better for your children to have a home where they feel safe and are not abused 50% of the time.

I saw you said he was horrible to one of the children. Do you mean always the same child or one or other of them?

At least go and see a solicitor, see where you stand. I couldn't begin to guess what he might be entitled to given that most of your shared money is an inheritance. Relatively speaking, you haven't been married long and the inheritance was before you got married. So it might not be as bad as you think. But get advice and then you know what you're dealing with and can make plans. Good luck OP.

Re your Nan's money - I guess when / if anything happens to your DH it would come back to your kids anyway?
Stop thinking & go & see a solicitor!!

How is it going OP? I read this a few days ago and was going to say that I relate to it but things aren't so bad for me. But on reflection, they are. How do you build up the courage to address it all? My children are all primary age and although the logistics sound scary, it's the idea of breaking up their world (and their dad's life) that I can't square. Yet I don't want to carry on like this.

Op

i hope you come back.

this is all part of the abusive cycle and it is what keeps most women trapped.

I call it the Mr Nice/Mr Nasty cycle. It is designed to keep you hooked and your brain constantly tries to please him and you behave in a way so as to entice Mr Nice back!

I suspect he had sense you felt empowered (probably through you posting on MN tbh) and then he realised he had to put his nice mask on again!

don’t fall for his shit - he is dysfunctional and always will be

keep posting

Ah god. Quiet few days. This morning One of the DC pushed the cupboard door too hard in frustration at not being given a snack. And H really shouted at him. H is looking after them as he doesn't work Thursdays or Fridays.

DS ran behind me. I said "come on" to DH and gave him a look.

DH went mad. Started really shouting at all of us. Saying I don't "fucking do anything" and started sayung "why dont we all just fucking wreck the house". He even called me a nonse at one point which was a strange insult to choose.

I'm working from home but he grabbed his stuff and said he was leaving. I said you can't- im meant to be working. And he went mad again.

As he was leaving I lost my cool and shouted "don't bother coming back"

DS shouting "no fight" at us at this point.

I'm so ashamed. Poor baby boy.

H didn't leave after i said that. Said "I'm not going anyway now. Its clear youd like to be gone but fixk that" and is now cuddling the kids.

I'm upstairs crying. I need to go to back to work.

I'll book to see a solicitor next week. I've already spoken to one briefly before when things were bad before the summer. She really put me off saying how much of the money I'd lose and how 50% was normal unless I thought there was real risk etc.

He may threaten 50% but in reality he won't want it.

When he starts spouting off about it be very agreeable "yes 50:50 would work brilliant, I'll need time to get my social life back and take up hobbies etc. week on week off is what is often suggested"

He will back track when it comes down to it.

Thank you @RandomMess he won't be able to use that against me will he? Like if I say "oh great I can start some hobbies" he will say its a sign I'm a bad mum? He's quite traditional in his outlook about mums as his own mum never did anything for herself

I'm meant to be going for dinner with friends tonight (first time in months) and I feel bad for leaving them all with this atmosphere.

I'm so scared. The guilt about it all is so enormous. There is no option where the kids aren't going to suffer and that is so difficult for me to accept. I keep thinking I can fix it for them

Why is 50:50 unfair or a bad Mum - you both work??

If he says you are a bad Mum then just say "no we will be equal parents as it should be"

My EXH tried the bad mum bit in our child arrangements court case. Said I should have given up my career to raise our son. Even our elderly male judge said that was nonsense.

Don't let fear drive your decisions. It is going to be difficult, of course it is. But keep your eyes on the prize. Your own space, physically and mentally. The opportunity to raise your kids how you want and in an environment you create, at least some of the time. You can't put a price on that. You can do this.

Adding to what @SudocremOnEverything he will have to pay for childcare on the days that he has the children! If he has very little money I doubt he'll want to do that. And also, how is he going to get custody of your children if he can't afford to take you to court.

I am talking from experience when I say this, but these men use children as a controlling mechanism. If you were writing how much he adored his children and did everything for them I could understand but it doesn't sound like he does.

My ex left me when my daughter was ten months old. He moved an hour away and went on and on about shared custody! He can't even afford to pay half her nursery fees, so when I told him that he'd have to pay for that he wasn't so keen! He loves having our LG until she isn't on top form. For example, she's been off nursery Ill all week. He couldn't even look after her for a whole day without bringing her back early and claiming he felt ill. I was so intimidated by him at first by his 'I have rights too' bollocks! (He doesn't feel that way when I ask him to pay for his daughter's nursery or look after when she's ill)! I realised he was a bully and just refused to give in to him. Children need at least one stable parent and it sounds like you're that.

Do yourself a favour and get out of the toxic situation. Agree to share custody over the weekend but they need stability in the week. Don't let him bully you into agreeing things you don't want to do

You may well be surprised at how much time with his kids he wants post divorce. Many of us on here thought our exes would go for shared residency and then they didn't - my ex practically disappeared overnight.

Thank you for all your support. I do hear a lot that men don't follow through with custody threats.

I'm not against 5050 if that's what is best for the kids. I'll miss them but thats my issue. I'm against 5050 because I don't trust him. Half the reason I want to leave is how he talks to DC so I really hate idea of that happening without me there

DC was watching Mr Tumble on Dhs phone and dropped it on the sofa. I picked it up and saw that he's been looking at spare rooms in house shares near us.

I can't believe this is happening

Go to dinner. Tell your friends. Once you tell someone it will be real. Ask for their friendship and support. Come home early. The sooner you start, the sooner it will be over.

I will never trust mine either. Perhaps yours will do like mine and shack up with an (apparently) lovely woman who will (from what I hear from my son) end up doing most of the childcare.

If he moves into a house share he won't be able to do 5050. In some ways it would be easier for you if he did leave.

Yeah @mummysquasher If he left tomorrow morning I would be so relieved.

I don't think he will though. The rooms he were looking at were so small and expensive, he likes it here where he doesn't have to do much and gets looked after pretty much (which is my fault for letting it get to this). He's not happy cos I'm sticking up for myself buy ultimately he doesn't went to stand on his own two feet

He's abusing you and the children.

Your son is having to intervene.

This is shocking.

It needs logging.

Get legal advice.

You need to see can you get an occupation order, to get him out.

Please talk to your GP.

Tell your friends and family the truth.

He is abusing you and the children.