Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with ‘nurture class’

121 replies

GryffindorWarrior · 22/10/2022 19:24

My DS, 4, recently started p1. After only 8 days I received a call from a teacher who isn’t his class teacher asking if I would be ok if DS attended a group she ran to “help him with settling in”. It’s 90 mins, once a week. I asked why exactly he needed it and didn’t get a definitive answer, only that ‘group will give him the tools needed for his emotional toolbox’. With no specific answer given I agreed to one 90 min session thinking he just needed to be told the rules and how to settle into the school day. I asked DS I’d he liked school and he said yes. He’s made friends and enjoys the work Altho says he gets bored sometimes when he finishes before others. I then asked if he’s done anything in class like shouting out, stopping other kids learning etc, he replied no. Last week I received an email inviting me to attend a meeting to discuss the next steps of nurture club. Turns out he’s been going every week despite me specifically saying only one session. This meeting is with the principal, class teacher and nurture teacher! Overkill much? I looked into nurture club and tbh I’m a bit annoyed! DS doesn’t come into any of the criteria that would warrant it. If he did then no problem but I’m annoyed school continued sessions without my knowledge. AIBU to say he won’t be attending any longer? I feel this meeting is to almost bully me into complying with it given there’s 3 of them. It just doesn’t feel right. I have asked for clarification of the exact reason DS is attending but have had no response.

sorry for the long post but any experiences or advice would be welcome. Thanks.

OP posts:
JessesMum777888 · 22/10/2022 19:26

They put your choke in something to help the child and your annoyed why ?

CheeseForTea · 22/10/2022 19:26

Considering most schools wouldn’t be spending resource where it’s not needed (and staff time is resource) I’d be surprised if he didn’t need the classes.

Id definitely want a clearer answer on why he is having to attend so I could support at home.

im not sure why you’re against nurture club, even if he doesn’t need it. An oddly defensive reaction

Pinkflipflop85 · 22/10/2022 19:28

The school have identified that he needs help and have acted quickly to give him support.

Why would you refuse it and potentially disadvantage your child?

floridaplanner · 22/10/2022 19:28

It seems like you’re upset he needs this. If the teachers think he does surely it’s wrong for you to not allow him the support they feel he needs? It’s about him, not your own embarrassment.

MrsKeats · 22/10/2022 19:29

Yes obviously they are bullying you by trying to help your child.

neverbeenskiing · 22/10/2022 19:29

I work in a school. Resources are scarce and there is always a high level of demand for 'nurture' type intervention. They have clearly identified that your DS needs a bit of extra support. They clearly intend to discuss the reasons for this at the meeting. Maybe hear them out before getting angry.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 22/10/2022 19:30

You should have a clear answer why he is in nurture class. Maybe they see something in school you don’t see at home. So I do think it’s an issue You haven’t received a clear answer.

However if they think it’s helpful and your son enjoys it and has made friends, why would you stop it?

EmmaDilemma5 · 22/10/2022 19:31

YABU to blame the school for offering something of value to your child.

YABU for expecting your 4 year old to be able to tell you (accurately) how school is going, beyond whether they like it.

Have you stopped at collection to ask the teacher about it? Did you follow up with the nurture club lead about how the session went?

I think it's bizarre that you want to stop something that will likely help your child.

Elieza · 22/10/2022 19:31

That’s great they are taking the extra time and expense to try and help the children whom they think need a bit more.

They told you it was a weekly class so I’m not sure why you thought it was a one off.

It would be good to find out what aspects of class your son isn’t comfortable with. Or if he is struggling and if so why.

What your child tells you and what the truth is isn’t always the same thing.

Hiwever if he’s in there because a bully is upsetting him or something I’d want that bully child dealt with rather than packing mine off to another room.

However nurture classes are great and he’s obviously liking them so that’s reassuring. It won’t do him any harm. He may make closer bonds with others in the group too?

Fairislefandango · 22/10/2022 19:31

They need to give you a straight answer about why he's been put in the group. If they do give you a proper reason, then it would probably be unreasonable of you to insist on him not going.

They ABU for using the stupid jargon phrase 'tools for his emotional toolbox' though. I can't stand that kind of bollocks!

SooticaSootyWhiskers · 22/10/2022 19:33

Asking your child about their behaviour is pointless, no child is ever going to really understand if they are speaking out of turn, shouting, whatever. You need to ask the school for clarity without being defensive.

Provisions are put in place to help the child. They're not a value judgement they're to give the child the tools to achieve the best they can in school and beyond. That he has had his needs identified and addressed is good, much rather an intervention that may not be urgent now than everything falling apart when he is older and things get harder.
And as long as it's not distressing him, it's not a problem if he gets some extra 1:1 attention. Most parents would chew their own arm off to get their child that level of focus.

AloysiusBear · 22/10/2022 19:33

Is it possible they are including him because they want a mix of children to help some others build social skills in a smaller group?

Otherwise I'd say its likely he needs it. Remember he will behave quite differently as one of a class of thirty vs at home with you.

ButterflyBiscuit · 22/10/2022 19:34

Your school is going above and beyond to support your child and you don't want this!??!

Why wouldn't you want to meet with the people who are caring for your child most of the week!? Do you care about your child?!

donttellmehesalive · 22/10/2022 19:35

Surprisingly enough, the school decide who meets the criteria for an intervention and don't need your permission to deliver it.

It is baffling to me that they have identified a need and a means to meet it, and you are angry about it.

Resources are scarce yet they are throwing money at your son - to annoy you or because they like wasting money or to help him?

You know what he's like at home with you but you don't know what he's like at school and you can't rely on what a 4yo is telling you.

I would suggest that you are upset that your child needs support, and maybe embarrassed too. You don't need to be. It's brilliant that they're helping him and it may not be needed for long. Take any help offered because many parents are fighting for it.

EmilyGilmoresSass · 22/10/2022 19:35

You asked your 4 year old if he did anything in class, like shout out and he said no...

... you are aware he would be unlikely to admit misbehaving? Especially with someone being so hostile about a nurture club.

Somethingsnappy · 22/10/2022 19:36

Hi OP. My son has in the past been part of something similar. He is being assessed for autism, and is quiet and well behaved at school, as well as doing very well academically. However, he has struggled in certain social situations, and so the school have been helping him in this department. It may be that the school have recognised one or two areas where your DS could use a little help. Behaviour at home and at school can often vary quite a lot. If I were you, I'd just ask them to be more specific about why they feel your son could use the extra support.

Foolsandtheirmoney · 22/10/2022 19:36

Is it harming him going to 'nurture club'? If not then I don't see the issue.

luxxlisbon · 22/10/2022 19:36

I’ve no idea why you are so against something to help your child. You seem weirdly critical of the group, are taking it as bullying you and this is all just so strange.
Clearly they identified that your child wasn’t settling into school as much as they would like or well compared to his peers. ‘Emotional toolbox’ strikes me as him coming across immature compared to his classmates, perhaps struggles with direction or controlling his emotions, or come out of his shell.

With no specific answer given I agreed to one 90 min session thinking he just needed to be told the rules and how to settle into the school day.
There is a lot more to school that the rules.

Gh12345 · 22/10/2022 19:36

You sound like the problem tbh! Have a good look at yourself

Original poster
GryffindorWarrior · 22/10/2022 19:37

It’s not that I don’t want it, I just don’t understand why he needs it. I’ve not been given any specific reason as to why he’s attending despite asking. If he was being disruptive or getting upset then I’d expect them to have told me and take next steps from there but it’s all been a bit vague.

OP posts:
Echobelly · 22/10/2022 19:38

I would take the attitude that if they say he needs it then he probably does - as others have said, as a parent one can't see the day-to-day classroom situation and he may be finding it a bit more stressful and hard to adjust than he can express to you at the end of the day, so if they're offering help, great. I think you should try to go in without preconceptions and hear them out and hopefully you will be reassured.

ButterflyBiscuit · 22/10/2022 19:39

You say its vague - but they've asked for a meeting haven't they? I'm sure they'll tl you more then.

Do you have difficulty being aware of his needs usually? School isn't just learning a list of rules but about their emotional and social wellbeing too.

CheeseForTea · 22/10/2022 19:39

GryffindorWarrior · 22/10/2022 19:37

It’s not that I don’t want it, I just don’t understand why he needs it. I’ve not been given any specific reason as to why he’s attending despite asking. If he was being disruptive or getting upset then I’d expect them to have told me and take next steps from there but it’s all been a bit vague.

Then focus your effort on that

not talking him out if a class he has been identified as needing

SooticaSootyWhiskers · 22/10/2022 19:40

It may not be a behaviour issue. It may be something as simple as he finds it difficult to make friends, or take turns or is too shy to talk to the teacher in a whole class setting.

Please remember that he is a child and his needs should come before your pride. If he does have special needs you need to address your attitude as kids pick up on negative attitudes and it's very damaging if a parent is ashamed or embarrassed about them.

scochran · 22/10/2022 19:41

When our school picked a group for nurture club we included role model children so there were some children who already knew how to play/ take turns, listen properly and so on to help the others a bit though they too enjoyed the adult company and group activity