To be annoyed with ‘nurture class’

[GryffindorWarrior]

My DS, 4, recently started p1. After only 8 days I received a call from a teacher who isn’t his class teacher asking if I would be ok if DS attended a group she ran to “help him with settling in”. It’s 90 mins, once a week. I asked why exactly he needed it and didn’t get a definitive answer, only that ‘group will give him the tools needed for his emotional toolbox’. With no specific answer given I agreed to one 90 min session thinking he just needed to be told the rules and how to settle into the school day. I asked DS I’d he liked school and he said yes. He’s made friends and enjoys the work Altho says he gets bored sometimes when he finishes before others. I then asked if he’s done anything in class like shouting out, stopping other kids learning etc, he replied no. Last week I received an email inviting me to attend a meeting to discuss the next steps of nurture club. Turns out he’s been going every week despite me specifically saying only one session. This meeting is with the principal, class teacher and nurture teacher! Overkill much? I looked into nurture club and tbh I’m a bit annoyed! DS doesn’t come into any of the criteria that would warrant it. If he did then no problem but I’m annoyed school continued sessions without my knowledge. AIBU to say he won’t be attending any longer? I feel this meeting is to almost bully me into complying with it given there’s 3 of them. It just doesn’t feel right. I have asked for clarification of the exact reason DS is attending but have had no response.

sorry for the long post but any experiences or advice would be welcome. Thanks.

"With no specific answer given I agreed to one 90 min session thinking he just needed to be told the rules and how to settle into the school day."

You did get an answer. He needed it to help him to settle in. He needed support with emotional regulation.

When you say that you looked into it what does this mean - googled it, School website, asked other parents? Nurture Group can be different things at different schools. Trust the school website and what the teacher is telling you.

If they are being a bit woolly they are probably trying to spare your feelings so early in the school year, trying not to unnecessarily upset you when it is still early days, trying to gauge his needs. If you are rather prickly or dismissive of their concerns, that's even more reason for them to tread carefully.

My daughter went to nurture class. It's a great resource which imo ideally all children should access.
It doesn't mean he's necessarily poorly behaved. Some of the kids in my daughter's group did have behavioural issues but some were very shy, some struggled with concentration etc. Your child is 4. It's not abnormal for school to be something that 4 year olds need a bit of help settling into.

At our school the Nurture club is run by TA’s taught in the Elsa programme to help children who need social and emotional support, so it can be that they just need help with social skills, or more. I wouldn’t rely on your child given an accurate report on what he does or who he talks to at school. I would grab any support you’re given as often it’s a fight to get any.

Our 5 year old did similar last year (called thrive, but all focused on nurture)
He's very well behaved, gentle, clever. However he's not one of those loud outgoing kids like some of the boys in his class.
It's not a reflection on parenting or him having "problems". It's just them noticing that his personality could benefit from some extra support currently.
Children are often very different away from their parents too so you may not have seen quite how shy he is in a busy environment without anyone he's comfortable with.

Whilst I understand what you are saying here I I have to disagree that the school have reason to be vague. School should be absolutely transparent about why a child is receiving intervention regardless of the risk of parents being “prickly”

OP be firm about requiring examples of how your child is struggling to settle but also be open minded to him attending nurture group as o can assure you resources for this are in short supply so they wouldn’t be offering it without good reason. But they absolutely should be giving you the full details of their concerns.

I knew that lots of people would get irate about this, but I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all.

I have seen this sort of thing happen a few times, where either there is a problem and this isn’t communicated to the parents, or there isn’t a problem and the child is making up numbers or doesn’t really need what’s on offer. The problem is that offering support where it isn’t needed isn’t a benign act: it can have negative consequences even though that isn’t the intention.

I think you need to be very clear that you’re happy to accept the support but want to know exactly what it’s for before committing to doing so.

Don't go into the meeting with the attitude of all guns blazing. Go to find out politely what is going on.

I think you need to try and go into the meeting with an open mind and some specific questions. I'd write them down beforehand and remember to drill down for specific examples.

For example
Them: we feel he needed a bit of extra support
You: what kind of behaviours was he showing that made you concerned
Them: he didn't seem happy in class
You: in what specific way (eg crying, spending time by himself etc) and can you give an example of when this happened (eg is it at break time or during a specific class activity)

Then you might be able to get to the bottom if something is normal for him (eg he is a child who naturally likes spending time by himself rather than a child who is lonely and too scared to make friends) or if there is something at

Be aware that it's not a reflection on you, or him, and is the sign of a supportive and caring school. And that children very rarely give a full account of how they have been getting on in school to their parents

My son does ‘Lego therapy’ at school, he doesn’t have any particular issues but he is quite quiet and isn’t very assertive. He goes with another two children in his class who are both quite controlling and dominant, and they take it in turns to be in charge of the play, so that the others learn to listen and take others ideas and my son gains confidence in being a bit more assertive. They were quite open about the fact that he basically is the filler child, he has no social concerns but they needed a quiet kid to go with the two loud ones.

My advice would be go to the meeting with an open mind. You know the questions you have. Possibly there has been a lack of communication from the school. But the nurture group may be of benefit to your child.

The school is trying to help. And studies show early support like this can make a big difference long term.

Honestly OP, I’ve had both my DC attend these sorts of clubs at times throughout their time at primary. The latest one was DD (10) attending a ‘friendship club’ or something like that, along with a couple of other girls, where the three of them had clearly been being quite unpleasant to each other, and school decided to nip it in the bud.

DS attended one when he was in about Y5 as school felt he was lacking in confidence a bit and wanted to give him the opportunity to discuss any issues/anxiety/worries he had.

it was a bit of a shock first time I received a call about this sort of thing, but I had every faith that his teachers knew what they were doing. I was particularly surprised about DS as he was quite a boisterous, sporty, type, but clearly school identified something I hadn’t.

On both occasions, they lasted a few weeks, DC enjoyed them, and then things just returned to normal. I think it’s a sign of a great school if they are on the hall with these sorts of things, although I fully appreciate as a parent, it can get your back up a bit if you feel they are being singled out.

My youngest was in a group like this, a sort of friendship circle to help with confidence. I miss her new school don’t have one, to the extent I want to suggest it to the new school!

@edwinbear I don’t disagree with that, but it seems that in your case the school communicated the reasons clearly to you. That’s not happened here.

When I was in the very early stages of my teaching career I had a TA attached to my Y7 form who had a special club at break time for children with social difficulties - the sort of kids who might get into fights or bullied at break and lunch times. It was a lovely idea but she started targeting girls in particular, for want of a better word, who were having perfectly normal settling in struggles - previous close friendships from primary shifting sort of thing - and pretty much forcing them to attend this club, which then did lead to further problems as the girls were being isolated from their friends.

It was done with good intentions but something being done with kind intent doesn’t make it a benign act. I think the advice from @DrinkFeckArseBrick is very good. If there is a problem it makes sense for school and home to address it and if there isn’t then the little boy really shouldn’t be attending.

Out school call it peer group, same as nurture group. There is a wide mix of kids - some need help with friendship, some lack self confidence or self worth, some have social and emotional issues, some are gifted but need help beong more rounded and some could just benefit from working in a small group setting.

I really don't see why your so hostile and offended. Doesn't bode well for your child's school years.

They gave you a reason, he needs to learn to regulate his emotions. That's exactly that the tools for his emotional toolbox means.
They want to help your son, they want to meet she you to include you and discuss this and you are mad? Seriously most people on here would kill for this level of communication with their childs class teacher!!

Ours is held during class time so there isn't an issue with kids missing out on playtime

That’ll be why they’ve organised a meeting.

Going in with the attitude that you’re going to tell them he’s not going anymore is a really bad idea.

Nurture groups are small and targeted. If there was no reason for him to be there he wouldn’t be there.

It isn’t great that they haven’t given you specifics as to why so I would ask for clarification about why he is attending. It may not be bad behaviour. DD attended one (and she was referred ASD referral) as although she behaved perfectly they spotted that she was very anxious and easily overwhelmed by situations or noise and the calmer environment helped. It really helped her come out of her shell, so I would take the sessions that are offered.

Your post does come across as if you were instantly defensive and unhappy about the sessions being offered to your DS, it may be that they’ve found it difficult to talk to you, hence the meeting with the head. I would keep an open mind and try to work with the school. They are professionals, they may have spotted something that your DS needs support with that you haven’t, because you haven’t seen him in the classroom environment like they have.

@Anneofwindypoplars speaks a lot of sense actually. I did have quite a lengthy conversation with the Deputy Head on both occasions who explained the purpose of the club and why they felt it was appropriate. But I also agree with others, to go to your meeting with an open mind.

Is your DS young for year? Mine is late August which I’m sure made quite a different when he first started school. If it’s any consolation, he’s a strapping Y9 now, happy, confident and a typical, pain in the arse teenager…. 😁

It hasn't been explained to you and that's the crux of the problem. Ask for an explanation and perhaps it will be if help. Nurture is one of those bizarre titles which could mean anything.

Our little boy started nursery this year and was put into a nurture group of the youngest kids in year for the first few weeks. It's part of the school's settling in approach.

He's going to stay in it and we're really pleased. The formal learning component of school nursery is a big change and for a few weeks we saw our happy little boy looking a bit overwhelmed. He has been much happier since they created opportunities for him in a smaller group.

Did he go to pre-school or nursery before starting school? If so did they ever suggest there may be an issue with him?

I think you are getting annoyed at the wrong thing. They are giving him extra help which is a good thing. It's not something to be cross about although I can imagine it's a shock if you had no idea there were any issues. What is a bit poor is that they haven't effectively communicated with you about why they feel it is necessary. It does sound like you may have been a bit defensive about it which may be why they want to get you in to a meeting so they can explain it.

I suggest you take some deep breaths, keep calm, and remember they are trying to help your son. They are not doing this to criticise you or him. You do not need to fight it. It's a good thing they are being proactive.

Is there someone (preferably someone calm) that you can take with you for support?

Surely the meeting is to discuss why he needs this extra support?

Stuff like this is a massive ballache to get into with a known SEN child, they wouldn't be offering it so soon without cause.

As a trained nurture teacher there are a variety of reasons why any child may attend. My suggestion in this instance based around the limited information you have provided is that he is finding the class routines difficult and standing out to the teacher in comparison to his peers. He is only 4 (no judgement on this my DD started school at 4) so will be socially and emotionally behind his peers anyway, without the 2 years of lockdown/social distancing.
The meeting is not then against you at all but I can 100% see why you feel this way. Until becoming a parent myself and sitting on the other side of a teachers desk I probably didn’t realise how intimidating! They all attend to share their expertise and personal knowledge of your child. Both teachers work with your child, one in a small group setting and the other in a full class, therefore both will witness different things. The PT will have nurture on her remit and need to be there to stay fully informed. Often other agencies attend these meetings too such as speech and language or the Educational Psychologist, dependent on the child.

In my opinion the only fault the school appear to have here is not being open and honest about what was happening and why. In my experience and from my training, I meet with each child’s parent before they attend the sessions and go over their Boxall Assessment results to demonstrate what areas we will be working on. Each term these are updated and fed back to parents to show progression.
Unlike what many people think a nurture room/group is not always due to a lack of nurture at home. It’s a nurturing environment to support children and help them grow so they are confident and able to succeed within a full class. I honestly wish my DD had been offered this for the same reasons as your child, a young age for school and 2 years of missed opportunities.