Secretive grandparents! Where are they taking ds?

[StrangeEffect]

My inlaws like to take out our 3 year old son every so often which is lovely. He enjoys it and so do they. However, AIBU to think that my inlaws could just let us know where they're going with him? Is it OK that I just want to know whereabouts my son is?

He's only 3, he has special needs and unfortunately suffers from a weak immune system and gets recurrent tonsillitis, etc. So for those reasons, I am a protective mummy but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't let him go out with his grandparents. I'm not trying to control them and I do trust them but I still want to know where he is.

The problem is, my inlaws have been quite secretive when taking ds out and I just don't get why. So now I ask them but I don't think they like it. They don't do things spontaneously with him, that's just not them, so everything is planned beforehand.

I know posters will likely say I'm controlling but all I'm asking is a quick text with ' we're at the park then going to get somethjng to eat at...'
Or inlaws just letting us know when they pick him up.

Is this strange of me or can other parents feel this way?

don't tell us, we already know and we'll decide what we do.

No, sorry, this is bullshit. just ignore and tell them how it is. Do not compromise the safety of your DC.

My MIL had this attitude too. She did indeed have DC of her own, however that was no comfort to me when she; insisted on holding my DC's hand and I had to jump out in front of a car and scream STOP before it hit him after he ran off to the side; prise open his jaw to retrieve a 10p piece from his mouth that she had given him to hold age 3 and my favourite, lose my youngest and have to go to security to have a tannoy announced to find him which she didn't tell me about, my eldest did.

Yes, MIL/ GP you really do know better than me, don't you? 😩

DO NOT hold back. GP's don't always know what they are doing.

I look after my 2yo GD one day a week and am very much “let’s see how the day pans out”. Also GD is dropped at 6.30am so tbh I am barely awake. If the weather isn’t great I might say “it will probably be a bit of a home day” but if we have specific plans of course I will say what we are doing or I might say “we will probably head to the playground later”. I always send some pictures during the day, even if it’s just GD playing in the garden or enjoying her lunch as I think it’s nice for DIL to picture what her child is doing. With regards GD we communicate with DIL rather than DS because we know DIL is a bit anxious, especially as GD has some food allergies. She is an amazing mum. We go through GD’s day - food, sleeps, nappies, activities etc. when she is collected. I know DIL totally trusts me to do the right thing so I would find it a bit strange to have to give her a schedule on drop off but if your child’s grandparents are just taking him for days out rather than it being a regular childcare arrangement I would find the secrecy very strange.

Id expect to be told if they just picked Jim up for the day but if they are doing childcare no as they are doing you a favour and your trusting them to do whats right for your son.

It would clearly achieve reassurance that the child's mother knows where he is! I would think that as any responsible parent would.

The fact they do things regularly indicates she would not keep them from seeing him and is happy for them to spend a lot of time with him. OP has indicated she does not expect a minute by minute breakdown of where he is but a general idea. It's not trust issues on OP's part, the GP's lack of information is weird.

More red flags than a communist parade.

Zero secrecy with children. Full stop.

I definitely think it's weird being secretive about it. I can't imagine a situation where either set of grandparents would take my kids out without saying where, it would obviously come up in conversation not in a checking up kind of way. Or we would have planned it together eg "would the kids like to go to....?" " Yes, maybe you could do..."

There's no need for any disapproving comments though if their plans aren't something you would choose to do, as long as it's not dangerous for a small child!

I totally get this, also have a 3 Yr old with medical needs and SEN. Due to his medical history and covid, it hasn't been long that my ILs have been able to have him by themselves. I guess if they'd been able to have him from earlier on, they'd be more used to his needs and I wouldn't need to remind them so much of his abilities/limits, what to do if xyz, etc.

When they first started taking him out by themselves I would very much be the mum who gave a list of things to remember, but now I trust them fully and don't do this at all. However, this trust was only developed after I realised that they listened to everything I had said and followed our instructions. Now, I literally hand over DS and his things and get out ASAP for some time to myself 😅. But that trust needs to be there before you can get to that place.

The turning point for me was when my FIL repeated for the 1000th time 'yeah, yeah, we've done it all before' and MIL said 'yes FIL, but not with DGS, every child is different and mum and dad know him best'. I could have given MIL the biggest hug just for saying that as I felt heard/understood and trusted her 100%.

If you don't have a child with additional needs, a lot of the little things will go unnoticed/misunderstood. For example, DS has a very specific sensory profile and certain things will send him into a meltdown. You have to be really attuned to what he's hearing to understand what set him off and calm him down. For example, someone 4 tables over has just sneezed and now DS is inconsolable. Me and DH heard that sneeze and can reassure him, no one else realised what happened. It's happened to the ILs a few times and they've not known what has set him off, but they're getting there with that. I'm just happy that they aren't dismissive of his sensory needs and are very loving/understanding of his needs. My parents on the other hand would probably say he was being naughty and make the situation worse with their reaction.

Not sure how it would help you to know where they were if there was an accident or one of them was taken ill, unless you literally knew where they were at all times.

I agree it's "normal" to say in conversation and odd to be secretive, but I do think you have to dig into the "why does it matter?". If I'm going out I'd also say to my husband something like "I'm going to Tesco" but if I got in the car and realised that actually I needed to get something that's only available in Asda (in a totally different direction), then I wouldn't go back to tell my husband that I'd changed my plans. So if I was taken ill or had an accident, I wouldn't be where he'd expect me to be.

Their secrecy is worrying. Could you stop letting them do whatever they want with DS and instead only make him available for activities you and DS have chosen? Also no big days out without you present. It seems odd to me that they have carte blanche when he's so young and there's so little trust between you and GP.

My kids loved tapas at age 3 - omelettes, meat balls, picky bits galore, eat just what you fancy. But it is odd not to say where you are, so perhaps a conversation with the in-laws explaining it’s making you nervous would help?

I think posts like this are really unfair. As mum to a child, who needs more attention in certain aspects of her life than the average child, I wouldn’t listen to posters saying this op. As for resenting it when he gets older, my dd is 14. She needs to know to protect and look after herself. It is hard. We were talking with her friend about a reaction her dad would have if she got drunk and vomited - he would be pragmatic and chilled, but disappointed btw. I said much as I’d be the same if I was the girl’s dad, my reaction would be very different as I’d be beside myself with worry as if her medical condition were triggered (and it would in this scenario), she would be at high risk of dying and explained why.

This sounds a little like a battle for control, which has developed over time. They possibly found you too stressy when you knew beforehand (from your zoo example), so think they should just get in with their plans and let you know later what they did. I think you either trust them to look after him properly or you don't. My dc used to love their little trips out with my in laws, they never told us in advance where they were going, not to be secretive, it was just a case of seeing what they fancied doing.
I think it would help if you sat down for a proper talk about it, explain why you feel anxious but tell them that their control battle is unacceptable. I think you also need to step back a little and trust them.

OP I absolutely would want to know, and would be very concerned your DS is being asked to keep secrets from you. You're in charge of this situation. If you don't like it, put a stop to it.

Why are posters so dramatic on here!

No where does it say that DS has been asked to keep secrets. He is 3.

They’re not being secretive at all.
They are telling OP their intentional plans but happen to stop off at a cafe on the way home or go somewhere else but they always tell OP afterwards - that’s not being secretive.

OP says she wants to know so she can remind them of his additional needs - but surely you would need to do this anyway regardless of where they are going.

Yeh that's really weird. I'd want to know where my little children were.

At first I thought YANBU and it struck me as quite odd that they won't say where they are taking him. I couldn't imagine either sets of my DCs grandparents taking mine out for the day and not saying where they were going - then you posted this: I would probably say, just don't let ds get too overtired because this is a chronic problem he has with his immunity and getting tonsillitis. Also with his SEN, he needs an adult to hold his hand pretty much all the time at a place like a busy zoo. He has little concept of danger and will run off. Inlaws do know this but I don't think they want me saying it That, and the fact the first example you could think of was a tapas restaurant - which frankly sounds like an ideal venue for a picket three-year-old to eat - makes me think that you are the one who is BU. If you really, really don't trust his GPs to take good care of him then you should go along with them or not let him go. That post explains exactly why they don't want to say too much, because they know it will unleash a torrent of anxiety and instructions from you. You might need to say it to a babysitter who has never cared for your son before, but your PIL know this - you said it yourself. It's so lovely that they want to take him out for the day - even though he's obviously not an easy kid - I wouldn't be doing anything to discourage that. Some GPs would run a mile from the responsibility.

As DIL im assuming you dont want to appear too rude or pushy so I would just ask your DH to handle it. He can tell them you would like to know where your son is. No excuses or extra circumstances needed - hes your son. They either honour this request or they dont take him out, simple. Also would second someone elses suggestion of an air tag, especially if hes known to be a runner.

This is the second thread this morning I’ve seen an airtag being suggested to track someone’s movements. Airtags now issue an alert/warning on someone’s phone if they are travelling about with a phone other than the one they are registered to. It’s to prevent stalking.

Of course if the PILs don’t have smartphones then…

@LillianGish I completely agree.

Maybe they need the instructions.

Mine thought a scatter cushion and MIL holding ds on it was a substitute for a car seat....

@starfishmummy op said she trusts her in laws though so presumably they're a bit more sensible than yours

Goodness, it's really not on to have secrets from a DC's mother about where they are being taken.

No AirTag. No disclosure of plan, no baby. Simples.

Fair enough to keep it a surprise for the child. Not for the parents.

@StrangeEffect tapas sounds ideal for a toddler! Loads of choice if there are things he doesn’t like, little plates, finger food. A dish of patatas bravas, some abondigas and some bread and hummus sounds just the ticket.

Hmmm. We have our grandchildren frequently and I'm not sure that I always tell their parents where we are going. If we have something planned I would normally say - but we might just decide to do something on the spur of the moment. They are older now, but I think it has always been that way. It's never a secret though, more like not seeing the need as I assume my daughter trusts us! However - I wouldn't object if she asked us to run things by her before taking them anywhere, or if she asked us to let her know where we were going if we went out. Maybe just ask her? I wouldn't take them anywhere I knew she didn't approve of anyway.

You either trust them or you don’t. If you don’t trust them don’t let him go with them. If you do trust try them, there’s no need to give OTT instructions every time they go out. I suspect they aren’t telling you everything because they know you will give a negative response. The tapas comment suggests this.

I think that if you are so concerned that you need to do this you shouldn't let the grandparents take him anywhere .