Give advice to the poster above you, wrong answers only

[TerfQueen]

Inspired by so many posts here lately where the replies are utterly batshit and wildly presumptive, give the poster above your terrible advice!

Extra bonus points if you can turn their question / AIBU into a personal attack, whilst deriving totally speculative presumptions from the little they’ve wrote.

I’ll go first.

My next door neighbour would like to plant some flowers along our boundary line, AIBU to let him plant the flowers? Husband says he prefers the neat lawn without flowers along the edging

Get older.

Thanks but YABU

my son has a superhero obsession and is asking for a literal full size Batmobile. I think this is going to be a bit expensive in the cost of living crisis plus we only have one parking space and need it for my DHs ice cream van. How do I let DS down gently but still give him a great Christmas and ensure he doesn't throw a tantrum. He's 28.

Your poor DS. Can you not convert the ice cream van into a giant Batmobile? Free business advice: then you can send them both out to sell bat cones etc dressed as Batman, that could be life changing for all of you. HTH

Sell your house to pay for the Batmobile. You and DH and DS move into the ice cream van. Permanently park it across your neighbour's drive for extra points.

@WheelofLife I apologise if you f e e l I have hurt your feelings. I am sincerely sorry that even the most innocent interactions are painful to you. Life must be very hard for you I hope you c a n feel better soon.
I can recommend my therapist, very knowledgeable in all areas of health. He's unavailable right now, but will def. take you on his return from Australia. Name's Dr M. Hancock. My life has immensely improved since I've started seeing him; I no longer give a shit about anything or anyone and my self-love knows no bond. He's really taught me how to look for N.1.

@Limosella no idea what you're talking about, but a little intrigued too? What's all that coronets talk about? Currently living in South Cal and I'm after some of these for my babies. I've tried everything but no luck. Please advise.

@Asking22 Aww bless, take care honey! Hope you feel better soon
For the chin hair, ask @Limosella she will sort you out with Blodwyn, Bryn, Dai or Ifor after they've finished her neither regions.
Sadly my dear, age has no bearing on rogue hair. Since you now have one on your chin, I recommend checking your nips, so sorry

Get him a chocolate orange. I was reading on another thread they are the go to present this year for Christmas. Those and 90% reduced throws and coasters

@serenaisaknobhead but then where does the Batmobile go? And if we don't have the house we don't have the parking space. Diagram please.

@Limosella how dare you I am obese and this depiction of myself is rage inducing. Drawing stick figures only promotes body shaming and it's deeply misogynistic. I'm logging this with the NHS and the police and SS, as I have done against my daughter's nursery when they partook in the same nonsense. I'm sorry it's harsh but we can't let the elderly get away with 'in my day' responses.

How do I find out if DH is cheating on me? Someone pushed a note thru the front door while I was out, saying he was cheating and they were sorry. No idea who it is. No name no phone number nothing. What do I do?

@Futuristik do you have a ring camera? You need a ring camera. I have a ring camera and caught the culprit on my ring camera. Just as I thought, it was my MIL stirring the pot again after I confirmed that for the 34 year running we have no plans to see her at Christmas or at anytime during the new year. It's sad, she's a narcissist who doesn't want to accept that DH is mine now.

But back to little you; the only course of action would be to knock on all your neighbours doors within a 3 miles radius, show them the note and demand that they tell you everything they know.
Come back on here to update us OP.

That's your baby son throwing his hands up with delight at his present! I am vastly obese too and would never mock another person of traditional build.

Re the letter: I would advise burning all the houses down in a mile vicinity to yours. You'll catch the culprit that way.

@Limosella ohhhh I'm terribly sorry. I showed it to my son and he was absolutely delighted with the depiction. I will report myself to SS and AA (I've had a bit of a drink today and I'm texting from where my car is logged in a ditch). You are a kind hearted soul who has lifted a precious little boy's spirits and for that the Batman gods will surely bless you!

He's just helping me prepare the kerosene now for the house burning plan, and has a huge grin on his face. You've warmed my home tonight. And now we're going to warm all the rest. Do wish us luck!

Asking22 Ifor is on his way. He's been dealing with a particularly tiresome haemorrhoid of mine, he'll sort you out.

Kerosene is a carcinogenic. People like you are polluting the planet and causing my Oxbridge heading DC to have difficulties in school (tbh the teachers are not able to offer a stimulating experience due to their high IQs). Obesity and piles are from letting yourself go. A diet of McDonalds I expect. No wonder people's DH play away. When I was at finishing school we were taught how to keep a man.

@CountryClaire what must one do to keep a man according to finishing school? No problems in my marriage but my sister's is rocky and I'd love to pass on some condescending advice.

Well a very good technique is turning the other cheek. Any cheek real or metaphor. We are taught not to be too assertive. Let them make the decisions as we are far too emotional. To really be feminine and pretty. Even the thick set farming girls will faces like horses must scrub up well in order to be seen as eager to please.

My advice is 100% accurate and my dear husband is now a woman as the allure is so great.

@Futuristik
I was taught to eat a banana with a knife and fork. I believe in the finishing schools of Dubai they teach a more modern hands on system. Perhaps your sister, like mine needs a good thrashing. See above.
However she could LTB (always wanted to say that!).

Why has voting not been enabled on this thread? Is it to exclude the illiterate and lazy who would just jab a button rather than make a measured and sensible comment on this thread? Not very inclusive anyway

CountryClaire I am reeling and tearful from your advice, I wondered why my wrap round Boden skirt wouldn't meet round me revealing my underpinnings to the general populace. I now know I have 'let myself go'. Where have I gone is the question?

@Limosella without my intel, you’ve got nothing.
@CountryClaire to the room. Y’know, where the women come and go, talking of Michelangelo.

Do I dare disturb the universe?
Do I dare eat a peach?

Do you dare disturb a peach and eat the universe is the real question.

Possibly Rwanda as they don't sell Boden there. Your soul has resisted being crushed by middle class oppression and has taken its wings to the carefree liberty of Kigali. You can recall it and take it round Waitrose a few times to get it reaccustomed to children called Hugo, organic olive bread and Breton tops.

I'll tell my sister to buy a knife and fork set for the bananas, turn a bum cheek, scrub the horses, and book in for a Dubai thrashing should she be unable to keep up the new man-keeping habits. I'm sure she'll be delighted to cancel the Relate sessions and use the money on her Moroccan toyboy she's never met in person. Her husband say he's a scammer and her obsession is tearing apart their marriage but I think it's a cover for him being disgusted by her banana eating habits.

Boden? For builders wives darling or those funny presenters on television in yellow trousers suits. Not the county set. I read on MN the other week puffer jackets are back along with gilets. Good God have you people gone mad? Lacroix darling, always was, always in style.
As for the rest of you with bum cheeks are you foreign? What you need is a nice flat arse a la Princess Di.
@Futuristik has your sister got a pink trouser wearing Johnny? If so send him round I have a side hussle in 'marital therapy' for put out to grass husbands. Cheaper than a gym for me! 😂

Futuristik do I know you IRL? How did you know I had a son called Hugo and am fond of a slice of organic olive bread? Hard to get the latter in the arse end of nowhere with mountains covered in wizened bilberries. I find Breton tops set off my morbidly obese and bulging stomach a treat but admit to preferring my home woven creations. They flow and ripple around my ample bulk very pleasurably and are easy to get on and off when the chance of a mountaintop shag is in the offing.

Finishing school, hah! Some of us were educated at the school of life. No fannying around for us learning how to walk and talk proper stomping up and down with books balanced on our heads, doing beadwork and needlepoint. We were out in Mother Nature gambolling and rolling naked in the early morning dew.