Give advice to the poster above you, wrong answers only

[TerfQueen]

Inspired by so many posts here lately where the replies are utterly batshit and wildly presumptive, give the poster above your terrible advice!

Extra bonus points if you can turn their question / AIBU into a personal attack, whilst deriving totally speculative presumptions from the little they’ve wrote.

I’ll go first.

My next door neighbour would like to plant some flowers along our boundary line, AIBU to let him plant the flowers? Husband says he prefers the neat lawn without flowers along the edging

(Laughing like a loon)

I wouldn't do that, I'm a 100% legitimate qualified internet doctor and laughing, especially like a loon, can tear your diagraphram and shatter your lungs. It can also lead to puking like a pig, heaving like a horse and groaning like a goat. As a cure I recommend homeopathy only.

You should be ashamed of yourself. Dont you know there's a cost of living crisis. People are unable to heat their homes and here you are flouting your spare cash about.
Read the room OP

It’s not a cost of living crisis, it’s a cost of living emergency. It’s people like you who got us into this mess, constantly downplaying the situation while driving your big 4x4s and swimming off to the Bahamas, buying biscuits to give to police dogs and all and sundry. It’s time to wake up OP, open your eyes.

RUDE!!
no need to start depriving dogs of biscuits!
and how do you know about my chelsea tractor??? I'm going to have to have this threat deleted now as you've obviously identified me!!!!!

@MmeArnault R word... Rowbotham? I don't know anyone of that name with a botched BBL causing psychiatric issues to the point of psychosis. Never heard of him. And I assert my 5th amendment rights independently as am a hotshot legal mind and am client and lawyer all rolled into one. I'm modelling self esteem for you, plz take notes.

OP. I used to live in Rwanda and can rent you a 6 bed luxury mansion for 8 weeks for the sum of £300. I know it's slightly above your budget but flights are included. Just send me the £200 plus all of your pay packet, identification and bank details for our system. Then turn up at Heathrow Airport in 5 days' time. I'm cleaning the Lost Diamond of the Incas I single handedly discovered so won't be able to respond to posts for that duration unfortunately. You can reach my assistant Tony Blair by asking for him at the Rwanda liaison desk at Heathrow. He's famous there for his great plastic surgery assistance in my clinic which has won many awards and has Celebrity endorsement from Rihanna (ohhhh @MmeArnault is that the R word you meant) and Michael Owen.

as an aside, i can tell you are suffering greatly. Please remember bringing up ones achievements in every single conversation is not egotistical it is the cure of the shame of a toxic childhood with condensation in the windows and noodles for dinner, which i know you suffered. I'm a former psychiatrist but my brilliance could never be restricted to one field. I am akin to the patchwork brilliance of the English countryside.

Keep that in mind while you take your leisurely drive to work, pining for Rwanda. It is what is on our own shores that is so hard to appreciate, but with the gratitude for the sheep and how they graze in the wintry half-light, I'm sure we can all find something to be grateful for. You can come to our discussion groups in Rwanda for the measly pitiful sum of £2000 per hour. Perhaps take a loan off the back of that soul sucking salary and remember what is important in life.

So to recap £2300 in my account today. Your higher self will thank you for you believing in yourself And your magnificent potential. Namaste.

OP if this is for real why have you got £2300 in your account? If I were you I would withdraw it immediately and stuff it into a mattress. Haven’t you ever heard of identity theft? Is this some sort of wind up?

I would like to buy DS6 a puppy for Christmas. He is very nervous around dogs due to a previous bad experience relating to DH’s hobby, so I would really like to help him overcome this by surprising him with one on Christmas morning. Can anyone advise on what sorts of breeds might fit the bill and what kinds of things I should look for when I choose the puppy itself? Xx

i would get a mini pig instead of a dog personally

Obvious poo troll.

Reported.

he offered a biscuit to the airport sniffer dog It's the bourgeoisie like this poster which are the ruin of this country with their pseudo attempts at largesse. I have been out on my mountaintop since dawn foraging with little success. All I have found is two wizened bilberries, a cep that's been attacked by slugs and three strands of sheep's wool. Will no one think of the povvos in this country.

Any tips on how to remove woad stains from the skin?

Your DH is a disgrace causing long term trauma to his child like this, but you can just say his hobby is Tyrolean yodelling (I bet it was a St Bernard that caused the trauma) - everyone knows what you're referring to. I also imagine he's sleeping with @Limosella on her mountain top - sorry. It's the lederhosen, no one can resist it.

My suggestion, as someone who has never owned a dog or even in fact seen one, is to get something massive and agressive, it's the only way he'll learn.

@Limosella Any tips on how to remove woad stains from the skin?

Fibre glass. Works every time.

A pit bull would be best, but you will need lots of glittery paper to wrap it.

You need to get a vegan snake. It will take every opportunity to tell you it’s vegan and will criticise your bacon flavour crisps, but you can bribe it to keep schtum about its vegan-ness & act vicious in front of the horses with a steady supply of freshly grated carrot.

Why you did not clutch your pearls? The sea is important to the world, actually.

Blatant stealth boast! You have the gift of very long life, as you survive from crinoline-wearing times.

Sadly my pearls were so heavy that along with my MN head tilt I gave myself a crick in the neck. It's very painful. I'm a martyr to pain.

Any tips or remedies how i can relieve the agony in my neck. Not that you will hear me complain ever

Any tips or remedies how i can relieve the agony in my neck. Not that you will hear me complain ever

I assume you're referring to your husband. Persuade him into a home and garden renovation and look over the finances with him to get his bank passcodes etc. Bung a few quid to the builders to have husbands body installed under new fire pit and/or sex pond.

at the end of my tether. Dtwins 17 boy and girl are constantly fighting then husband steps in and backs up my daughter's bullying behaviour towards my son saying he should be able to take it because 'she's a female don't fight back'.the atmosphere in our home is dreadful wwyd

@Limosella I shall share with you an ancient family remedy that has never failed to alleviate this problem, it's called guillotine (you won't find it on amazon) simply insert your head in the apparatus, stay still, you'll hear a loud swish and then Bang! No more neck pain, ever. pm me for details.

Conundrum, please help.
I am currently staying on a tiny island off the coast of Venezuela with a very Grumpy Man - long story short, I made a runner from my wedding to a guastly Italian man and hitched a ride on GP's boat unbeknown to him. When he realised we were already at his island and in the kerfuffle that issued I managed to blast his boat to smithereens (stupid gas bottle) so now we are stranded on his island until someone on the continent worries about him not doing his monthly food run and comes to see if if he's ok. This will take at least weeks.
On the plus side I have no cellulite thanks to a diet of fresh water and papaya, (amazing for the skin) I have a glorious tan and my highlights have never looked better.
GM and I live completely separate lives on his tiny island (him in his house and me in a little shed that I have patched up). It's not hurricane season yet but not sure how i will cope then. I like the peace here and at least I am safe from my ex-fiancé who was madly in love with me and is i am sure looking for me all over Caracas but I am getting a little bored. I go into his house to charge my phone (he doesn't have one and doesn't know I have one) and steal food and wine and books whilst he works on his vegetable garden. He refuses to have anything to do with me, not even a conversation to relieve my loneliness. GM's hermit thing is getting tiresome, I wished he'd he'd lightened up.
My problem is, he will catch me and chuck me out at the first opportunity, but I don't know where to go or what to do next. On top of that I think I might be developing feelings for GM (he is quite fit, from a distance). PS/ GM is French.
WWYD?

@Futuristik Do you really need to ask? Are you the poster that lost her 6ct diamond engagement ring whilst concreting the foundation of her sex pond?
Get the twins an internship at Harry Markles' MH start up, pronto.
Has your husband gotten his pay rise yet? If not this might be the reason why he feels emasculated and is siding with your daughter. Any decent father would stand with his son on this one. Bin. LTB

Sorry about that, but did you make a post about questioning the DNA test that showed your son not to be your husband's child?

but the daughter is?
i remember that

@Isthisforeal why does your GP have a boat in Venezuela? Report him for suspected drug trafficking, he shouldn't be allowed to practice on the elderly.

Possibly the rest is an hallucination and youre actually tucked up in your bed in Somerset while your family pad around and whisper worriedly about you downstairs, cupping mugs of steaming hot tea. By Amy chance, your GP offer you a prescription you had to pay him for? This may be tampered with due to his Venezuelan side hustle perhaps. Worth investigating imo.

@Wauden and @cruchieaddict that was my other set of twins thanks and we found the boy was not DHs the girl was but we found it unethical to split them so we sent them both to an orphanage in Vietnam. Thanks for prying into my business though. Can't start a bloody thread around here before people go back and delve into your post history and tell you what your MIL ate for breakfast in 1997. I'm actually really tearful.