Give advice to the poster above you, wrong answers only

[TerfQueen]

Inspired by so many posts here lately where the replies are utterly batshit and wildly presumptive, give the poster above your terrible advice!

Extra bonus points if you can turn their question / AIBU into a personal attack, whilst deriving totally speculative presumptions from the little they’ve wrote.

I’ll go first.

My next door neighbour would like to plant some flowers along our boundary line, AIBU to let him plant the flowers? Husband says he prefers the neat lawn without flowers along the edging

Hair is the only true measure of success, and can often in fact be the catalyst for amazing new luck and empowerment entering your life, which feeds back into your hair development.

Look in the mirror every morning and chant 29 times:
My hair is my success.
My hair is my success.
My hair is my success.

Hair is not only the barometer. It is the very essence of life and being. Spend all your kids' money on expensive hair products for them and yourself. Oxbridge Schmoxbridge.

We don't care. We've got swishy hair.

Case in point, Kate Middleton. See what her hair has done for her life, and, most importantly, what her life has done for her hair.

Finally to see someone with some sense of perspective on Mumsnet! You've made my day tbh.

How do I keep my house neat and tidy?

The important part of your question is not how, it is why. Husbands only value food and sex so order takeaway and open yer legs every night and I guaranteeeeee you he will pay for a cleaner to come every day. If he's one who thinks too much with his brain he might ask what you're doing all day. Just tell him you're masturbating over him, his brilliance, Glory and Power. He is a God and as such you are the priestess. You are engaged in higher metaphysical activities that mean cleaning the house is far below you. You remain in constant erotic meditation of Him.

You can then do what you want all day, every day. No work. No cleaning. No nada.

@Limosella AIBU to think there is only me and one other person on this thread who is sock puppeting? Or am I here alone chained to a potting bench in a greenhouse with 2 ferrets and a dog that won't stop washing his bollocks?

As a former psychiatric facility owner and plastic surgery clinic owner, now an Amazonian Ancient Relic Discoverer, your question speaks deeply to my experience and has allowed me to draw from my deep well of empathy and compassion. For that alone I am thankful.

Remember, in reality, there is no one in the thread of life except you. To accept that reality is the Ultimate liberation.

I have a discussion group cult that is holding a retreat in Rwanda next month. There is only one ticket left available at the low low low price of $89,400. Ferrets have free Admission. PM my assistant Tony Blair to book your spot NOW.

I’m a ferret.Where do I get my free ticket?

I think I have caught head lice from my human. I’m very itchy. Does anyone have any home remedies to share?

Apply rainbow chard to armpits.

I have 2 buckets to transport water but only enough water to fill one of them. Can anyone give advice on trajectory?

@WheelofLife a healthy dose of cyanide

How insensitive. Many people on MN can't afford one bucket and you're here boasting about two. Don't have enough jewelry boxes for your extensive collection of Pandora bracelets either, I expect. Not enough garage spaces for your Vauxhall Antaras. Not enough cups for your pumpkin spice latte flowing taps to ever fill. God. Call Womens Aid.

News from underneath the potting bench

The dog has stopped washing his bollocks and is now washing me. It is strangely pleasurable, and his tongue is doing an excellent job at exfoliating the dead skin from the bottoms of my feet. How did I get here you ask? I saw an advert for an all inclusive spa weekend at Shambolics, a snip at £25.99 (at least I think that's what it said, the page had been gnawed a bit by the slugs that live in my letterbox), and I thought that's for me. The rest is history. I don't know what day it is, who is prime minister, will I ever see sunlight again or gambol barefoot amongst the daisies.

WheelofLife Gentian violet is your friend. Paint your bonce with that. Nice colour too, very jolly and fetching.

What’s for dinner tonight everyone? I have lentils, pasta and floor cleaner. Looking for inspo!

@GoldenCupidon
a mumsnet chicken
with falafels

I don't want this thread to die so here goes a resurrection attempt...

problem: My DH has been offered a new job but it means relocation for our whole family. I would have to give up my role, change children's school, be away from my support network etc. The role is better paid and he says that we would only do a few years then could come back. My job is in law. He is a sales manager for a software company. What should I do?

STB = If you’re in law Sue the Bastard!

I have a very large dog. Should I let him have the toddlers room and let the toddler stay in the kennel?

Could you quit your job and be a SAHM for a few years and homeschool your DCs? Ask your DH if he can take care of all the finances and make sure you also get him to put the house in his name as you don’t want all that extra stress. Support networks are overrated, just ask your GP for some Valium and you’ll be fine.

Can anyone advise me on the best way to cure my horse phobia?

Can anyone advise me on the best way to cure my horse phobia?

neigh

STB, sell the bastard surely

I have a very large dog. Should I let him have the toddlers room and let the toddler stay in the kennel?

That could work but you need to make sure the room is dog-proofed so everything is safe for DDog. You’ll also need to provide plenty of toys and enrichment, and lots of fluffy blankets in case it gets cold.

What does your horse fear? Jump out at him dressed like a badger that might help face his fear.

@cruchieaddict get a snake, horses hate them !

Put it in water balloons 🎈🥣💧

I can’t get him a snake because the snake will eat the lizards.

I have a week off work and a spare £200. Desperate for a holiday abroad, any ideas where I could go on this type of budget?

I hear Rwanda is very 'in vogue' at the moment.

@Futuristik don't you dare mention the R word!

Hello dear @FuckFuckGo I happen to own a delightful small house on my property, in the MN solidarity spirit I will take £200 for it, but you will need to have finished rerouting the plumbing to the neighbouring garden on the left (it currently goes to the neighbour's garden on the right but they're not good neighbours I have to say) before the end of the week.Looking forward to welcoming you!

a fortnight all inclusive in the Bahamas is perfectly possible for that kind of budget if you don't mind researching it all yourself.
we swam first class,obviously, earlier this year .
youngest did have a minor shark bite but soon forgot the loss of his leg when he saw the beach we were going to be camping on for two weeks!!
managed to get flights back as drug mules - DH is serving a sentence fir this now his own fault as he offered a biscuit to the airport sniffer dog. Upside is Wormwood scrubs is AI . who knew?
Enjoy!!!