Give advice to the poster above you, wrong answers only

[TerfQueen]

Inspired by so many posts here lately where the replies are utterly batshit and wildly presumptive, give the poster above your terrible advice!

Extra bonus points if you can turn their question / AIBU into a personal attack, whilst deriving totally speculative presumptions from the little they’ve wrote.

I’ll go first.

My next door neighbour would like to plant some flowers along our boundary line, AIBU to let him plant the flowers? Husband says he prefers the neat lawn without flowers along the edging

Of course you should send the money. It's the Universe giving you the chance to be a good person for once, why wouldn't you take it? You are condemning yourself to a lonely old age.

Typical MN ageism, you have to say "old age" I suppose? can't just say "age" or "indefinite number of years". It's like you have no idea how offensive you're being.

Here's my question - DP is getting a bit podgy. I am 19 stone myself so I'm not judging, but WIBU to set him an ambitious weekly weight loss target and/or buy him gym membership?

Don’t waste your money, what a wanker. These people who let themselves go are a disgrace. Send him to Rwanda and just let him try to find a Greg’s !!! I’m only 37 stone but it’s different for women isn’t it ? Men love my 67 inch boobs even though they knock against my rollator when I walk. You could LTB but he’ll probably be dead soon anyway so sit it out and rub your hands when the insurance money comes in.
Or you could make him lose weight by chopping his legs off. I lost a body part myself recently but after sitting in A & E for three years I thought fuck it and came home to glue it back on with a Prit Stick. The point is, my dear, I lost ten ounces of weight when it was chopped off so the answers bloody obvious !!!

I can't believe you use Pritt Stick. SMH.

To use Pritt Stick would be exactly like trampling on the starving children of the artisanal glue makers who gently render the horses themselves.

Well non of you have a clue about the real world.
Always moaning about something what normal person goes on the Internet for advice.
Do you have no friends 😕
I have a massive mortgage my ex has gone as you lot told me to get rid of him. Said he was a cock lodger now I'm paying his mortgage and when my kids are 18 I have to give him half the house. So dont take advice from strangers.

I recognise you - you’re a bleeding heart troll ! You’ve posted about this before and I was fool enough to send you a tenner when you set up your fake Go Fund Me Assholes page.
We all know you’re living happily with Orlando Bloom in Chipping Norton in your ten bedroomed park home ( holiday lets only strictly non residential).
You deserve horse whipping by these gentle souls who try to make the world a better place by giving fucking awful advice on Mumsnet.
I despise people like you - New Age in your face TERFS NERFS SMURFS non binary Tory voting halfwits.
I demand my tenner back immediately.
You’re a serial liar. Your name IS Ma. There - you’re outed !!

Yes, but you need to tell him to cut down on all the massive salads he eats. One per week is more than enough - and a mumsnet chicken should last him at least a year.

Here's my question - DP is getting a bit podgy. I am 19 stone myself so I'm not judging, but WIBU to set him an ambitious weekly weight loss target and/or buy him gym membership?

Well what a coincidence that you should post this. You'll be needing clothes from my new side hustle Sticky Nicky. Our motto is, 'We cover any arse however gargantuan'. Everything is made in Rwanda in very unhygienic surroundings by mountain gorillas. We bought out Rent-a-Tent and Bumhole-U-Like recently and have combined to create a vast multinational company. We aim to make maximum profits by making shoddily and selling at top prices to vain body conscious suckers. Free box of cream horns with every purchase

Limosella how much are your cashmere sweaters, size 1034XL and are you stocked yet in Liberty?

Birdy1066 I will PM you my price list and details of where my delightful merchandise can be obtained. No cashmere, my products are made only from the nasal hair of pygmy wart hogs.

I don't want the hoi polloi to have my lovely clothing, Pep & Co is good enough for them. There's all sorts on MN as you know and slack lips cost lives.

Has anyone got a good remedy for bunions? I'm a martyr to them

Limosella sorry to be a pain in the arse but everyone says I am so why change the habit of a lifetime - I have concerns about your free gifts. Are these genuine Cream Horns of Africa and do you have the correct export permits ? Also how do you refrigerate them at the correct temperature when they are en route ? Are they certified vegan ? Do they have a soil certificate ? How many are in the box ?
I had a very nasty experience last year when I’d ordered a few endangered species bedspreads and they were impounded . Some bastard turned up here from Ag and Fish and confiscated my shrunken head collection after searching the house. Answers on a postcard please and push the boat out sending me the catalogue. It’s your chance to use up your old stamps before the bar coded ones come in so I expect a decent discount.

@Birdy1066 you have been on this thread a bit too much for my liking.
I am fat as is the DH who had just alerted me to Aldi special rum cake.
We were there today getting in our scoff. If he has a better sh*g than me, knock yourself out mate. Less washing of cacks for me. I will put my lardy arse on one of those websites. Can anyone recommend? Asking for a friend.

Birdy1066 the Cream Horns are made by our sister company Ebola Desserts. Very high quality and made with a lot of care by Meerkats. The cream is a recipe of their own devising and contains nothing to offend the rabid vegan. 10 to a box, they are very moreish.

I will have you know I am ahead of the game stampwise and have exchanged all mine already. I'm barcoded up to the gunnels.

CountryClaire What work of the devil is this Aldi special rum cake? Is it one of their specials for Christmas. I favour their jars of pate myself. Very pleasurable and once empty you're left with a nice jar you can fill with cheap homemade crap and use for presents for aged aunts

CountryClare you’re absolutely right but not to worry. I’m being indefinitely sectioned as we speak thanks to Limosella ratting me out for questioning her cake import status. Tell her to redirect her catalogue to the sanitarium. She knows where. Send more Anusol. Have mercy.

They could add a chicken with some lentils and feed their family for a week

@CountryClaire . I will put my lardy arse on one of those websites. Can anyone recommend? Asking for a friend

Facebook Marketplace?

Can I ask for advice about how to survive the out of the blue, no idea what just happened, toddler tantrum phase?!

The tried and true cut up pear is your friend here

CUTTED! Fgs. You'll next write 'I brought some pear's and its defiantly a bad thing because i should of brought apple's'

Can I ask for advice about how to survive the out of the blue, no idea what just happened, toddler tantrum phase?!

Worry constantly that any approach you take will fuck them up for life, save up money for expensive lifelong therapy, don't give yourself any me time and drink only water.

Has anyone got a good remedy for bunions? I'm a martyr to them

My homemade family recipe for bunions is as follows:
Heat water in a pan
Soak bunions for 15 min

Now you have bunion soup. Kills all know germs dead. You will not get ill this winter.

Help how do I get over disappointment?

Put a cryptic message on facebook about being heartbroken and then respond to comments only with "pm me hun x"

How do I get myself to go to sleep?

my problem is i'm too thick to keep up with this fast moving thread. i can see this is why i'm such an abject failure in life.
evidence i do not have a big shot job, my children are not oxbridge material i regularly eat carbs and now weigh 100 stones
however i've successfully died my hair a combination of vivid blue sand pink
can this mitigate the i of ther issues?

@amIITERFenoughYour pink and blue hair is the equivalent of the "fun" ties boring men used to wear in the 90s, remember? Ghastly.
Now stop mopping and look at all the marvellous things happening in in the world right now; there, don't you feel better already?
Now do not listen to @Limosella when she comes along in a minute to tell you to send yourself to Rwanda. Rwanda is not the answer. The answer is declutter, declutter, declutter.

Rwanda is always the answer whatever the question.

AIBU to think there is only me and one other person on this thread who is sock puppeting? Or am I here alone chained to a potting bench in a greenhouse with 2 ferrets and a dog that won't stop washing his bollocks?

How do I get myself to go to sleep?

Follow my tried and tested remedy of gluing eyes shut with non toxic vegan glue at whatever time you wish to go to bed. In the morning if you can't remove glue with water phone for ambulance. As you will be at bottom of list for ambulance pick up you will easily get at least 2 to 3 nights of shut eye for the price of one self administered glue treatment which is an excellent cost effective treatment.

How do I keep my house neat and tidy?