Give advice to the poster above you, wrong answers only

[TerfQueen]

Inspired by so many posts here lately where the replies are utterly batshit and wildly presumptive, give the poster above your terrible advice!

Extra bonus points if you can turn their question / AIBU into a personal attack, whilst deriving totally speculative presumptions from the little they’ve wrote.

I’ll go first.

My next door neighbour would like to plant some flowers along our boundary line, AIBU to let him plant the flowers? Husband says he prefers the neat lawn without flowers along the edging

Question - someone told me they saw that posh old bird off Bake Off eating a Greg’s Steak Bake in Oldham last week. Can I report her to Ofcom ?

I am vegetarian and find this post triggering. Will no one think of the bakes?

My NDN has started a laundry business. She runs her washing machine 24/7 and hangs out random's washing on an enormous whirlygig dryer at all hours. Said whirlygig is right next to my fence and the first thing I see each morning are alien capacious drawers flapping in the wind. And spider's willies are blowing into my garden all the time as well. WIBU to start a refuse disposal business and have bonfires 24 hours a day in the garden?

I live in a village when I'm not cavorting on my mountaintop foraging and we most certainly have a hood, and a massive too. We're all well 'ard and have regular battles with neighbouring villages. PP, get the biggest motorbike you can find and show people who's boss in your village

My NDN has started a laundry business. She runs her washing machine 24/7 and hangs out random's washing on an enormous whirlygig dryer at all hours. Said whirlygig is right next to my fence and the first thing I see each morning are alien capacious drawers flapping in the wind. And spider's willies are blowing into my garden all the time as well. WIBU to start a refuse disposal business and have bonfires 24 hours a day in the garden?

No because Smoke Scent washing powder is the new thing and you'll only boost her business. Although you could light the bonfires get her to raise her rates and split the profits.

YAVVVVU for not sending a congratulations card and offering to pay for some of her electricity, in recognition of the beauteous sight of clean fresh white washing blowing in the breeze, which inevitably lifts your spirits and the house prices on your road.

She's also (albeit inadvertently) provided your kids with an unparalleled opportunity to study arachnids which will help them perform better in their GCSEs and stand them in good stead for entering the world of work.

This woman is an absolute Saint. Change your perspective sharpish before she gets snapped up by better neighbours.

I live in a village when I'm not cavorting on my mountaintop foraging and we most certainly have a hood, and a massive too. We're all well 'ard and have regular battles with neighbouring villages. PP, get the biggest motorbike you can find and show people who's boss in your village

Motorbike maketh not the man.

Fururistik you need a big hood for your big head. I’ve wasted thousands of pounds paying you for my psychiatric care and I’m still insane. I’ve always doubted it was a private sanitarium run by BUPA particularly when your facility was based in a greenhouse and I was tethered next to two ferrets and a Pit Bull.
I don’t think anyone on here should listen to your advice. That woman with the massive knickers on her airer is obviously using it to signal to aliens. The poor feeble degenerate who posted here looking for advice has been led down the garden path - all the way to the same filthy hole of a potting shed I recently made my escape from.
You’re trying to lure these innocent simple minded posters into joining you on that unholy mountain top where you ride round on Harleys and eat magic mushrooms all day. I know what I saw in that hellhole of a greenhouse and it wasn’t kale you were growing.
All this talk of motorbikes and big engines throbbing between your legs. The only thing that ever throbbed between my legs was a massive pile caused through sitting on a stone floor next to Fido.
My question is a simple one - Anusol or Prep H ?

@Birdy1066 don't know what you're talking about. I've never been a psychiatric professional. I'm a Rwandan with a plastic surgery clinic and fake passport application expedition side hustle. I previously lived as a monk in a cave. I was abandoned by my parents. Raised by hyenas then found by the monks. That's why there is no record of my existence before I opened my plastic surgery, not psychiatric clinic. Fancy a BBL? Might cheer you up and distract you from your mental health problems. Just send the money before you come, then I will provide the address to our sister clinic in Yemen.

So! I have had a bonfire on the go as it were all day, some nice tyres I found fly tipped on the mountain. My lungs are full of noxious smoke and I think I have one of my bad chests coming on. The smoke sent the spiders mad and they've been shedding willies and legs in all directions. My rottweiler Fluffy won't stop howling so I've got a splitter coming on too. I was having a lie down on my chaise longue and horror of horrors next door has diversified into laundering Rampant Rabbits, the whirlygig is stiff with them. Quelle domage is all I can say

Wow. Literally wow. You sound like hard work. All I can say is #bekind yeah?

Wow. Literally wow. You sound like hard work. All I can say is #bekind yeah

As a psychiatric professional all I can tell you is to take your own advice. Your comment is literal violence.

So! I have had a bonfire on the go as it were all day, some nice tyres I found fly tipped on the mountain. My lungs are full of noxious smoke and I think I have one of my bad chests coming on. The smoke sent the spiders mad and they've been shedding willies and legs in all directions. My rottweiler Fluffy won't stop howling so I've got a splitter coming on too. I was having a lie down on my chaise longue and horror of horrors next door has diversified into laundering Rampant Rabbits, the whirlygig is stiff with them. Quelle domage is all I can say

and then you woke up and it was all a dream

Problem: I am in love with a man. I have previously only ever dated men. But in my heart of hearts I know I am a lesbian. What do I do?

Futuristik my life is a living nightmare. I am on six bottles of gin a day through an intravenous drip for my nerves.

In answer to your relationship problem. My friend has a large machete she might lend you. Chop the bugger's cock off and t'will all be alright

Deep down you know you love the cat the most. Make life easier, choose the cat! 😍🐱

Definitely cancel the cheque.

Futuristik you’ve spent too long with humankind. Find a bike, a full moon and phone home.
Re your sexuality problems - do you think it’s because you spent too long with the hyenas ?
Limosella what shop did you buy your Quelle domage from and do they sell a dairy free version in Marks and Spencers ?
Oh wise ones, I have just chopped my hand off trying to trim my Japanese Knotweed in the front garden. Do you think I should pick my hand up and dial an ambulance, go to A & E ( worried in case I miss Emmerdale ) or just die and save the heroic NHS ? WWYD ?

What a conundrum Birdy1066 Dip the stump in hyena urine and seal it with dock leaves (and a kiss obs). Save the hand and dry it, will make a fetching Christmas decoration this year.

I get my Quelle domage from the local farmer's market. It is sold by traveling troops of gibbons who tread and knead it themselves.

I'm an Eastenders girl myself

I think the best thing to do is pop your hand in a casserole and you could make some really nice bone broth. So nourishing!

You need to log it with 101.

You need to call 111

Limosella some excellent advice on here !
I decided to wait for an ambulance despite dialling 999 and hearing a recorded message of Ricky Gervais saying ‘ You’re having a laugh’ over and over again.
I’ve just received a text from my son although I haven’t got any children telling me he’s lost his phone and could I bank transfer £1000 immediately to his new bank account or he’ll miss his flight to Dubai.
Do you think I should send the money ?

Of course birdy. He could be a long lost son you don't remember giving birth to as you had been possessed by a demon at the time.
Speaking of which, should I try & summon one this weekend? The stairs could do with a hoover and I'm told they have to do your bidding.

iklboo it's Halloween next Monday. Wait until then and drag any trick or treaters in and make them do the stairs for you. Tricks on them innit.

Birdy1066 send it to him in conkers. Grateful isn't the word for how pleased he will be. Speaking of which must collect some acorns to make coffee, running a bit low

iklboo Don’t do it !!! I have it on good authority ( my hairdresser’s dog sitter was friends with the guy who cleaned the windows for Justin Welby) that modern day demons are powerless with regard to vacuum cleaning. Apparently James Dyson sold his soul to become King of the Suckers and therefore no respectable demon can have anything to do with household appliances. This is the reason that a lot of celebrities have trout pouts, they’re really vampires whose faces unexpectedly take the form of those little attachments you can use to clean cracks.
I’d take Limosella’s advice and lassoo a couple of pests masquerading as trick or treaters and condemn them to a life of drudgery. They’ll be only too glad to do your cleaning for a couple of packets of spangles and a go on your X box.
Here’s a question for you to ponder when you’re fed up fingering your Ouija board - do you believe it’s true that Eddie Izzard and Pru Leith are Siamese twins ?

Paul Hollywood is The Daddy. That’s why he uses all that fake tan! Terribly slimming, I might try it too. Yea

What is love? Oh baby, don't hurt me. Don't hurt me no more.