Give advice to the poster above you, wrong answers only

[TerfQueen]

Inspired by so many posts here lately where the replies are utterly batshit and wildly presumptive, give the poster above your terrible advice!

Extra bonus points if you can turn their question / AIBU into a personal attack, whilst deriving totally speculative presumptions from the little they’ve wrote.

I’ll go first.

My next door neighbour would like to plant some flowers along our boundary line, AIBU to let him plant the flowers? Husband says he prefers the neat lawn without flowers along the edging

I won’t say who but Mildred says her carer’s best friend is the next door neighbour of the guy who cleans the cars of Ben Wallace, that Pontypridd is earmarked for a first strike

Will nobody think of the Pontypridd Front Row. How can Wales have any chance at the Six Nations in the event of Armadillo?

While we're about it, I danced with a fella who danced with a gel who danced with the Prince of Wales. Does this mean I am now of Royal blood?

At the end of the day (or world) - you may as well keep the Diptyque as you can use it for light and warmth come the armadillo (and it might mask the smell of death/sheep dung).

Pumpkins are en route as we speak.

You sound like you have a drinking problem - do you always drink a whole bottle of champagne?!

Shame on you during the cost of living crisis - some of us don't even have enough money to open the front door or even enter a supermarket

Limosella The answer is yes. After the Day of Reckoning the Great Day of Armadillo, when Big Ben Wallace will be sipping his Baileys in a secure nuclear bunker and the rest of us are fighting off zombies, I have it on good authority ( told to me personally no less straight from the horses ass via Cirencester and Highgrove ) that you will be crowned Lizard Queen of What Remains of the United Kingdom.
I have already picked out my outfit for your Coronation which will be on April Ist next year, so I have plenty of time to smash a window in Bon Marche.
JamTartLover you shouldn’t open your door at all. Just remember to put a large capital Z outside so the angels of death will pass over you.

Shame on you during the cost of living crisis - some of us don't even have enough money to open the front door or even enter a supermarket

Hah, you need to join those of us living on mountainsides. Haven't been to a supermarket in months. Completely self-sufficient on whatever I can forage in the hedgerows. I am gathering sheep wool, horse hair and any animal fur I can find. I have whittled a loom and spinning wheel out of sticks and intend making my own clothes.

Bracken and Bog-myrtle soup, Cep and Cob-nut bake and Stewed Elderberries for tea tonight washed down with Sloe and Crab-apple wine. Delicious

Birdy1066

I shall appoint you as my chief Lizard in Waiting

Think everyone in this chat needs to check themselves into a mental hospital. Except me.

Name change for me on this one - first time poster - so be gentle - expect to get flamed but I’m prepared for it as I know what a bunch of psychopathic hussies are out there reading this ( at least that’s what my doctor in my current asylum Futuristik tells me ) my question is this. My mother in law insists on using Pears Soap but is insisting on using the green bar and not the brown bar, do you think this is normal behaviour for a decrepit vindictive fascist old slag ?

Get back to your ward, please. Internet privileges removed. Your MIL died 12 years ago as we've discussed numerous times.

I'm at the end of my bloody tether with this field I'm telling you!!!! Im THIS close to quitting and moving to Rwanda to start a cattle ranch and being a gynae on the side.

BLoody hell wrong thread. When will bloody mumsnet add a delete or edit button??!!!

All Mumsnetters have been asked to gift aid their donations to raise funds for said button. Unfortunately only 5p has been received to date. I would suggest door to door charity fund raising would be more successful.

Please help
I'm addicted to Mumsnet and can't stop refreshing and reading all the posts. I can't sleep as I fear I might miss out on vital information. I tried to sleep but the suspense made me reach for my phone to read all the posts again. How do I get over my addiction?

SCAM!

@BigUpAllOfUshereOnMN

Please help
I'm addicted to Mumsnet and can't stop refreshing and reading all the posts. I can't sleep as I fear I might miss out on vital information. I tried to sleep but the suspense made me reach for my phone to read all the posts again. How do I get over my addiction?

heres another notification for ya teehee

SCAM

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SC4M HaHaHa

My DP said to me last night, “a bottle of Beaujolais, two Xanax, and thou.” This was in response to me asking if they’d fed the cat. Did they mean they’re leaving me? Are they having an affair? Am I being too controlling? Can’t cope, have been crying all day.

AIBU to catch and cook one of the ducks? My husband refused to give me any money.

I'd say catch him and cook him and eat him with the ducks but I think ducks are probably vegetarians.

They eat worms, don’t they? You’ll have to wait until they’re asleep, pull down their pajamas and shine a torch on their bumhole. Maybe put some sticky tape over it to catch the wee wiggly bastards.

Have you always been this delusional? Have you considered professional help? Do you hear voices? Feel free to PM everyone else on the thread apart from me as I’m useless in a crisis

I’ve been bullied at work for three years now. Currently going through mediation
(This is actually true)

Am thinking assassination would be quicker. I’m thinking bikies.I have a 250cc Yamaha. If I ride it more often I could meet ‘bad’ bikies. The ones with snipers. Have explained to DH I might have to screw some bad bikies to ‘get down wi’ the hood’ He very politely pointed out that we’re in a tiny village and don’t really have a ‘hood’. Do you think I should study the local lingo more and take/buy/sell drugs? And get a burner phone? And a bigger motorbike?

LTB

Honestly just get a toilet brush so much easier and hygienic!!

Don't forget that when toilet brushes get a bit grotty they are absolutely fine to pop in the dishwasher on a quick wash alongside your dishes and cutlery.

Pokadaku there is nothing worse than having a partner that quotes poetry at you. Beyond a red flag. He’ll be leaving you his second best microwave in his will when he dies and your children will starve to death.
WheelofLife are you in Wales ? There’s a new Mumsnet group living in a hermitage running classes on how to survive the current Conservative government that can help you. They’re teaching classes including ‘How to pull your own teeth out using the Xmas Nutcrackers’ and ‘How to make a wooden Gatling gun using a 3D printer’
I think they use tandems for transport, recite mantras about never buying from Primark, live off Leek and Daffodil pies and are rumoured to worship a ten year old piece of toast shaped like Neil Kinnock.
Pokadaku can help you out with the Xanax her partner is obviously heavily into County Lines. He’s started dressing like Omar Khayyam and has a foreign look about him.
Question - someone told me they saw that posh old bird off Bake Off eating a Greg’s Steak Bake in Oldham last week. Can I report her to Ofcom ?