Give advice to the poster above you, wrong answers only

[TerfQueen]

Inspired by so many posts here lately where the replies are utterly batshit and wildly presumptive, give the poster above your terrible advice!

Extra bonus points if you can turn their question / AIBU into a personal attack, whilst deriving totally speculative presumptions from the little they’ve wrote.

I’ll go first.

My next door neighbour would like to plant some flowers along our boundary line, AIBU to let him plant the flowers? Husband says he prefers the neat lawn without flowers along the edging

At least you had parents, I was created in a jar by an alien from the planet Nnnng and an anglepoise lamp. Can't believe you're going round being so blase about your one-time humanoid family members. Hurtful.

Bright children will do well everywhere, even at a sink school with high levels of disruption and violence.
Are you a Lizard Person?

No but I would say I find going Grey Rock very, very easy.

Another issue here this evening. My MIL has phoned to ask me what my spouse wants for their birthday. AIBU to tell her to stop being such a presumptuous cow, doesn't she know I'm busy? Why did she even have children if she doesn't know what to get them for their birthday several decades later?!

Some woman’s just rocked up, telling me she’s been sent to live in hermitage here? Something to do with chewing her nails annoyingly? (although she’s currently eating her cuticles). But this isn’t on, I’m still getting used to being a man with huge knockers, and it never stops bloody raining! I’m at the end of my tether 😫 Can I send her to Rwanda?

Oh that's definitely her, she does that too.

Be kind and give her your room, you can sleep on the sofa or send yourself to Rwanda.

You don’t have a MIL problem, you have a DH problem. He needs to stick up for himself and stop treating you like a doormat. Get your ducks in a row financially and LTB

I got my ducks in a row and they all started fornicating with each other. I blame WheelofLife for this. There's fucking nests full of eggs everywhere and bird shit being ground into the carpet.

The neighbour across the road from me is very nosy and watches my every move. I pressed my bare bottom against her living room window the last time I saw her watching. WIBU to do this

What you need to do is to encourage your local rat population, maybe even bring in some super-breeders from elsewhere to wipe out those duck eggs.

I'm sure sticking your arse up in your own window is punishment enough for all and sundry, no need to leave your own home even.

Limoseller I can’t stand people who are cruel to animals. Hey Teacher - leave those ducks alone ! If I lived next door to you I’d be reporting you to the RSPCA.
Although I think you have the right to show your arse wherever you want. Didn’t a French philosopher , I think it was Jacques Cousteau say you have the right to show your arse anywhere and he’d die defending your right to do so ? I think he died at sea.
I need the excellent advice of you wise wons out there ! A friend, let’s say she’s a friend, but it might have been my sister, this friend was on a dating app and someone sent her a risqué photograph of an enlarged member ( Boris Johnson ) she sent in return another risqué photograph an ex lover had taken of her sitting on the toilet picking her nose. Now she’s being blackmailed and they’re demanding 2 boxes of cornflakes, a box of toilet rolls and a dozen candles. Should she pay ?

She would be very irresponsible to pay in candles. They are a fire risk and are sometimes used for pegging. The poor blackmailers could end up with severe burns or internal injuries or burns or, in an extreme case, both and it would be HER FAULT.

I would say that that’s so absolutely your fault for not maintaining an orderly duck row. Haven’t you taught your ducks that there are consequences? If you can’t cope with ducks I hope you don’t have children.

Some people just lack parenting skills

On a lighter note my antibiotics said “Do not take with alcohol” but Moët and Chandon is so classy it doesn’t actually count and it’s just like posh lemonade, is it not? And I only had half a bottle. And then the other half as it was a shame to waste it

On a lighter note my antibiotics said “Do not take with alcohol” but Moët and Chandon is so classy it doesn’t actually count and it’s just like posh lemonade, is it not? And I only had half a bottle. And then the other half as it was a shame to waste it

Thats very dangerous. Throw in 24 cocodamol to mitigate the Moet and Chandon and you should be fine.

A&E NOW

Also please help I went to a pumpkin patch and got pumpkins but they are now not the right sort of pumpkins. AIBU to return them even if I picked them myself?

Also please help I went to a pumpkin patch and got pumpkins but they are now not the right sort of pumpkins. AIBU to return them even if I picked them myself?

no you can also send them invoice for your labour if they won't pay report them to Home Office.

She would be very irresponsible to pay in candles. They are a fire risk and are sometimes used for pegging. The poor blackmailers could end up with severe burns or internal injuries or burns or, in an extreme case, both and it would be HER FAULT.

who are you a rep from the Blackmailers Union? OP your sister should pay in bombs, blood and hellfire. Although if that is BoJo it might turn him on and he might propose so she could be the Empress in his Dictatorship for Life plans. Tricky one to call.

No Karen, you are definitely not being unreasonable. March right up to the idiot that sold you them and plonk them on their head for being a CF. How dair they sell you the wrong pumpkins. Remember to demand a refund and don't pay for the replacements! Remember to get a picture of your (and your pumpkins) sad faces just incase you need to go to the Daily Mail!

Listen, Man. Your penis clearly prevents you from using Mumsnet properly (like the washing machine and dishwasher also, in all likelihood 😐) because that wasn't even my OP. You are EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD.

P.s. cherchez l'homme cos your wife doesn't find it attractive , its highly unsanitary. she's humouring you to keep you sweet while she enjoys hygienic, straight edge alphas.

I am outraged at whatever it is you said that I just don’t agree with. I hope someone shoots you with a bow and arrow the next time you’re in Aldi ransacking the middle row. I have always been a pacifist but after reading the prepping threads on Mumsnet I have been forced to reconsider my position. I am sure The End of the World is Nigh.
The only thing I can say to you awful trolls is this - do you think Armadillo will come before Xmas as if it does I’ve wasted money on a Diptique candle from John Lewis ? Do you think they’ll give any survivors from my family the money back if they still have the receipt ?

WTF is this about armadillos?? Is it like the bisons??

Be kind and give her your room, you can sleep on the sofa or send yourself to Rwanda.

Fucksake! What sort of website is this? You think I have a sofa? A room?! I’m in the arse end of nowhere in Wales in hermitage, on top of a hill in a cattle shed. And it hasn’t stopped raining in a decade. I don’t have a passport, does it rain In Rwanda? And are they generally tolerant of trans men with huge baps?

Come Armadillo the only safe place is obviously John Lewis! Absolutely nothing bad can ever happen there.Thank you for reminding us @Birdy1066 !

I can’t believe you are posting this when there are displaced cattle having to stand in the rain whilst you inhabit their shed. Animals have rights too. Disgusting OP, those poor cows. Some of them will be mothers

@Birdy1066

Candles? How can you say Diptique when few can afford Prices for Gods sake.
Do not come on here with your Tory brands. I was in Aldi yesterday and shook to think I was going to put my mince back to buy a No1 Lime and basil. Shame on you.

HariboReckoning you’ll be glad of all that rain when the End of the World is Nigh. You’ll need it to grow crops. It may take you some time.
I bet you don’t even pay Council Tax on that hermitage- you pretend it’s a sacred community but really you’re just sitting there poring over the Next and Asos websites picking out your next frock. Someone told me they’d seen you dancing round a campfire on the Summer Solstice wearing a Vote for Jezzer badge.
It takes every ounce of goodwill to say this but I’ll pray for you. I’ll see you on the other side after the Rapture. Someone at the preppers group has it on a reliable authority , I won’t say who but Mildred says her carer’s best friend is the next door neighbour of the guy who cleans the cars of Ben Wallace, that Pontypridd is earmarked for a first strike.
By the way - has anyone found out exactly what the John Lewis returns policy is yet in the event of a nuclear attack ?

Notjusta send those bloody pumpkins immediately to HariboReckoning - he/she/it/any variation possible ( God loves you all even if I don’t ) needs to get those in the ground as soon as possible or all those poxy Welsh Presbyterians will die unless they’re still down the pit in which case they’ll be eating their own canaries.
CountryClaire I’ll pray for you even though your criticism has stung me to the quick. I am not and never have been a Tory. I identify as a Whig.
In fact I’ll pray you get wiped out first for upsetting me.
Before you go - do you think the ban on fracking would apply to domestic homes ? I think I have smelt shale gas between my home office and gazebo.