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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Give advice to the poster above you, wrong answers only

654 replies

TerfQueen · 20/10/2022 10:37

Inspired by so many posts here lately where the replies are utterly batshit and wildly presumptive, give the poster above your terrible advice!

Extra bonus points if you can turn their question / AIBU into a personal attack, whilst deriving totally speculative presumptions from the little they’ve wrote.

I’ll go first.

My next door neighbour would like to plant some flowers along our boundary line, AIBU to let him plant the flowers? Husband says he prefers the neat lawn without flowers along the edging

OP posts:
Wauden · 24/10/2022 13:28

It was me, I stole the 50p and am accusing the cleaner.
What should I do?

HariboReckoning · 24/10/2022 14:28

Limosella · 22/10/2022 23:44

I find all the posts about being well endowed in the boob department very offensive. I was known as clapperboard at school due to constant attacks of the fanny gallops and being so flat chested. I think the lot of you are utter utter whores

As a man, I feel duty-bound to Google ‘fanny gallops’ 😃

Futuristik · 24/10/2022 14:39

It was me, I stole the 50p and am accusing the cleaner.
What should I do?

hand yourself into the police as a financial abuser. Leave your husband and the cleaner to their evidently blossoming relationship. Call the Cleaners Certification Board and clear her name.

Futuristik · 24/10/2022 14:41

@HariboReckoning oh look great a man has shown up to tell us what to think

cassiatwenty · 24/10/2022 14:52

(I'm in the library and laughing outloud, and people are watching. You lot are a riot!😂)

cassiatwenty · 24/10/2022 14:54

@Futuristik hahahah

TerfQueen · 24/10/2022 15:20

Sorry I haven’t been updating!

I demanded that “D”H cancel his payments to this “BT” hussy, within a day our internet and phones suddenly all stop working! That crazy bitch, obviously incensed at the loss has clearly gone and cut all our cables, im fummin! Logged it with 111.

On top of this, his mother has now decided she wants to move in with us. I mean I’m not even sure if I’m kicking DH out at this point and now his mother is demanding to come and live with us? We only have 8 spare bedrooms and a gate house, and the CF is trying to manipulate us with £1m early inheritance and offering round the clock childcare. Absolutely sick of her, so so sneaky.

Anyway, I’ve a chicken to cook. I’m thinking chicken ala lemon with a sprinkle of Waitrose essential edible flowers and a side of whipped spinach. The kids fave!

OP posts:
Limosella · 24/10/2022 15:45

HariboReckoning · 24/10/2022 14:28

As a man, I feel duty-bound to Google ‘fanny gallops’ 😃

A man, amongst us? Squeals piercingly, gathers crinoline skirts, has vapours, fans self and then faints

Explainthis · 24/10/2022 15:59

Gosh OP, thanks for updating!

Please tell me your DH is apologising profusely for the mess he has created? Personally I would be thinking restraining order for that bt woman to start with, and 24h private protection for you and your DC. If you are a sensible mother you already drive an armoured vehicle, so that's one less thing to worry about.

And now for your ML! really? Do not let that woman in your house under any circumstances! it is a stealth move from your DH to keep controlling you. He probably told his mother you are 'losing your mind' and is 'worried for your DCs'. If you let her in you'll have double the gaslighting, do not fall for it!
(btw why is your gate house empty? We rent ours to our odd jobs man so we don't have to pay him. You are missing a trick.)

And stop it with this obsession about cooking daily for your DCs, OP, isn't there anyone who can do that for you?

GoldenCupidon · 24/10/2022 16:41

Need advice. My colleague is biting her fingernails too loudly and it's driving me mad. Should I report her to HR?

CountryClaire · 24/10/2022 17:15

@GoldenCupidon
Your colleague is clearly having issues (and is not just a skanky mare). You must protect yourself from people that don't invest in their personal presentation. Her DH will probably leave her for her slovenly ways. Do not offer sympathy as you might get drawn in.
Concentrate on your BTLs and send those tenants a hamper. You can then sit on your gym maintained bum. No obesity for you.

Limosella · 24/10/2022 17:50

GoldenCupidon · 24/10/2022 16:41

Need advice. My colleague is biting her fingernails too loudly and it's driving me mad. Should I report her to HR?

Report to HR This is a clear case of workplace bullying of you. Your colleague is after your job and trying to drive you out. Any Doctor would happily give you a sick note for the stress this must be causing you

Futuristik · 24/10/2022 21:06

Need advice. My colleague is biting her fingernails too loudly and it's driving me mad. Should I report her to HR?

erm... you're discriminating against someone's UHP (unique hygiene process)? This is why people feel unable to bring their whole selves to work. I think you should report yourself to HR and demand they send you on a course on holistic inclusivity or fire you.

GoldenCupidon · 24/10/2022 21:37

Futuristik · 24/10/2022 21:06

Need advice. My colleague is biting her fingernails too loudly and it's driving me mad. Should I report her to HR?

erm... you're discriminating against someone's UHP (unique hygiene process)? This is why people feel unable to bring their whole selves to work. I think you should report yourself to HR and demand they send you on a course on holistic inclusivity or fire you.

You're wrong, have you considered I might be an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person)? No? Well that's just typical of the sort of insensitive behaviour I suffer from those around me on a daily basis.

I bet you're fun at parties.

amIITERFenough · 24/10/2022 22:03

who cares about those rank fingernails!!!!
my issue is much more important. i don't have any problems at all and feel alienated from mumsnet and all the horror contained in these posts!!
i'm beautiful, successful, rich. My husband is a grade a celebrity ( who is 200% faithful to me)
my 16 children (obvs some are adopted from deprived backgrounds - i'm not a monstrous baby machine!!!)are all exceptionally talented.
How am I expected to one with any of you and your meaningless lives?
THAT is an actual problem never mind the price of black pudding!!!!!

autienotnaughty · 24/10/2022 22:25

amIITERFenough · 24/10/2022 22:03

who cares about those rank fingernails!!!!
my issue is much more important. i don't have any problems at all and feel alienated from mumsnet and all the horror contained in these posts!!
i'm beautiful, successful, rich. My husband is a grade a celebrity ( who is 200% faithful to me)
my 16 children (obvs some are adopted from deprived backgrounds - i'm not a monstrous baby machine!!!)are all exceptionally talented.
How am I expected to one with any of you and your meaningless lives?
THAT is an actual problem never mind the price of black pudding!!!!!

You sound like an amazing person. I imagine everyone is in awe of you.

Now can anyone help me shave a goat?

Limosella · 24/10/2022 22:33

amIITERFenough · 24/10/2022 22:03

who cares about those rank fingernails!!!!
my issue is much more important. i don't have any problems at all and feel alienated from mumsnet and all the horror contained in these posts!!
i'm beautiful, successful, rich. My husband is a grade a celebrity ( who is 200% faithful to me)
my 16 children (obvs some are adopted from deprived backgrounds - i'm not a monstrous baby machine!!!)are all exceptionally talented.
How am I expected to one with any of you and your meaningless lives?
THAT is an actual problem never mind the price of black pudding!!!!!

Is this a stealth boast that you live north of the Watford Gap? Who cares about black pudding.

So which is better, the middle of Lidl or the middle of Aldi?

Futuristik · 24/10/2022 23:25

You're wrong, have you considered I might be an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person)? No? Well that's just typical of the sort of insensitive behaviour I suffer from those around me on a daily basis.

I bet you're fun at parties.

Oh, well, I take back my former statement. Having her fired and blacklisted from your industry is probably a proportionate response, in that case.

You should ask HR for further adjustments also. Perhaps all fur lined surfaces and soft golden light across the entire office building? A fountain with soft trickling water installed next to your desk?

You've actually highlighted something I've overlooked in my small business that I'd love to spread awareness of. I'm going to give a presentation to my company on HSPs (and UHP, XYA, etc). I'll explain to them that the normal working environment feelings like waterboarding with Steps "Tragedy" at full volume on repeat. Is that about right, would you say?

Futuristik · 24/10/2022 23:36

i don't have any problems at all and feel alienated from mumsnet and all the horror contained in these posts!!
i'm beautiful, successful, rich. My husband is a grade a celebrity ( who is 200% faithful to me)
my 16 children (obvs some are adopted from deprived backgrounds - i'm not a monstrous baby machine!!!)are all exceptionally talented.
How am I expected to one with any of you and your meaningless lives?

You've 16 deprived kids. Can't do basic maffs or use brackets or type. You can take the girl out of the sink estate...

Spect you drive a Range Rover. Extra points for white. Have a monstrous new fangled cross breed from a puppy farm. Go to Dubai on yer olidays. You have gray bathroom towels and you smell of Zoflora and social climbing desperation and tack.

I'll stick to my muddy ancient Volvo and little holidays in the South of France and the occasional trip to the museum and opera, thanks.

Futuristik · 24/10/2022 23:44

@TerfQueen

I demanded that “D”H cancel his payments to this “BT” hussy, within a day our internet and phones suddenly all stop working! That crazy bitch, obviously incensed at the loss has clearly gone and cut all our cables, im fummin! Logged it with 111.

I'm not surprised. It's your karma for being such an abusive twat. Remember who pays for the 8 bedrooms and the gatehouse. That money-generating penis has needs your dog-obsessed self cannot fulfil. I suspect he's been feeling neglected and forlorn for years. That's where the shitting on the carpet comes from, obviously, his desperate need for the affection that you so freely give the other Nigel. Can't believe you've emotionally replaced him with a spaniel, and replaced his own name in his own house.

On top of this, his mother has now decided she wants to move in with us. I mean I’m not even sure if I’m kicking DH out at this point and now his mother is demanding to come and live with us? We only have 8 spare bedrooms and a gate house, and the CF is trying to manipulate us with £1m early inheritance and offering round the clock childcare. Absolutely sick of her, so so sneaky.

This is the woman who raised your poor husband. Give her £1million to give to a charity of her choice upon her demise. Not a dog charity, OP! You always want to push your own selfish obsession with the dog. It's time you mended your ways. Re childcare, don't! It will only give you more time to feed into your addiction Nigel (the spaniel).

Anyway, I’ve a chicken to cook. I’m thinking chicken ala lemon with a sprinkle of Waitrose essential edible flowers and a side of whipped spinach. The kids fave!

just cook the dog at this point, love. It would solve basically all your multitude of issues.

Friday123 · 24/10/2022 23:48

TerfQueen · 20/10/2022 11:09

🤣🤣🤣

ok but I have another dilemma

My daughter is 13 and wants to attend a sleep over with her best friend (also 13) they will be with friends parents, however they will be left alone for 15 minutes during the evening, that’s totally ok isn’t it? They are both sensible, will lock the doors when the parents are out and both have mobile phones

Leaving the 13 year old children for 15 minutes is obviously unacceptable, but I can't support them locking the parents out. There are better ways to show them the error of their ways. You need them to see locking the doors isn't enough. Maybe casually mention how you saw a movie where a teenager was left alone and the phone call CAME FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE! rom ins

Futuristik · 24/10/2022 23:53

@Friday123 yes, or better yet a reenactment the children are not aware with. OP could pick up a couple of masks and fake axes on Amazon and pop them over to the parents when they have the pre-sleepover boundaries, expectations and standards aligbment chat. I'm sure they'd be thrilled. No need for fake blood, ketchup watered down would probably do.

Futuristik · 24/10/2022 23:57

my problem:

I'm desperately in love with a guy who is very reserved and barely speaks. I met him at the local library in a poetry writing course. I keep wanting to meet up and discuss the future but he will only communicate proper feelings in poem format. He sends these through the post but pretty much ignores me at the library. I want to find out once and for all what his feelings are so we can jump in or I can move on. What should I do?

Friday123 · 25/10/2022 00:11

@Futuristik 😂
I appreciate you mentioning watering the ketchup down given the cost of living crisis, but axes from amazon? You're setting them up to be heartless, greedy capitalist psychopathic axe murderers!!! You can pick up craft supplies for the masks at your local market or use left over cardboard, gift paper etc from around the house (far better for the environment) and a great rainy day activity

Futuristik · 25/10/2022 00:23

You sound like a showy instamum and a champagne socialist to boot. Very happy with capitalist values, thanks, and greed is just code for 'ambitious' for the poor and/or the slightly slow. Nobody really cares about the environment, anyway.

Re heartless and psychopathic, my Hugo and his classmates fight to the death at weekends. It builds character and ambition. Wondering how many of them will be alive to attend Oxbridge but hey, fewer candidates for the PPE course works for Hugo, so it works for me.

Bring BoJo back, I say. And the noose!

'Crafts'. God. No wonder this country is on its knees.