Checkmate For DD

[TheShellBeach]

Reminiscing...........,,,twenty years on:

I recall when DD was thirteen she told me once that she was ill, so I let her have the day off school. Despite having had a "terrible headache and awful period pains" she recovered remarkably quickly and I realised by mid-morning that she'd been having me on.

The next day she asked me for a note to give her teacher, so I wrote the following:

"Dear Mrs. X,

DD was absent from school yesterday because she was pretending to be ill. My investigations suggest that this was very likely because she had failed to do her homework the night before.

Yours sincerely,

The Shell Beach"

Mrs. X was delighted with this missive and apparently pinned it on to the wall in the staff room. DD was less delighted when she discovered what I'd written, but she never tried that one on again.

It's what she chose to share.

For added context, she decided to share with us a "haha, I got the better of my daughter, outwit, outplayed" (as she sees it) story, 20 years after it happened.

Quite apart from everything else, that's just...weird.

Is it?

I see it more as someone trying to join in a bit and share a story, encouraging others to do the same 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yes, it is.

And it's weird.

And I've just realised you're the poster who got abusive earlier towards someone based on one post, so...

If she’d posted in chat? Yes

but she posted in Am I Being Unreasonable

literally asking for posters to make a judgement call on her actions

🥱

Devastating riposte. How do you think of them?

I agree with this. AIBU is not lighthearted. People don't hold back here.

We've had people in their 20s at my workplace (which is very good at looking after our mental health thanks) bawling and crying because they've been pulled up on lateness, sickness and generally skiving off.
If only their parents had done what the OP had done...
Maybe a few of them (that have since been let go) would still have jobs.

I'm sorry, my previous response was from another thread!
Apologies.

@Peashoots You are so right, honestly some of the replies on here explain today's generation of entitlement and poor work ethics. There were plenty of times when I said I was ill and wasn't as I hadn't done homework or just didn't want to go in as my mate was off sick or something. Communication was fine with my mum but quite rightly so she would have told me tough that I had to face the consequences of not doing homework and that my mate was off was irrelevant etc so I lied instead.

Yes!

I would say the stats show its much much worse now.

🤣 I did wonder! It's early. More coffee required 🙂

It was vastly underreported 20+ years ago.

80s and 90s parenting was pretty shite and it probably didn't really start improving until well into the 00s. If your parents were brilliant, great, but the ideas being pushed as great parenting were appalling. Like hitting your kids and taking an authoritarian, adversarial and point-scoring approach (like triumphantly feeling that you "checkmated" your child).

Yes I understand that re stats, I was a teen in the early 90s and there absolutely wasn't the mental health issues there is with teens today so I imagine it'll be a whole lot worse when they are 40+.

My parents never hit me, we discussed things and made decisions together but if I had broken their trust and lied to them I don't think they would have covered for me unless there was a very good reason. That isn't bad parenting, that's teaching a teen sometimes life isn't exactly what we want but you can't just bail at every step.

There were zillions of mentally unwell teens in the 90s. Eating disorders were de rigueur. If you didn't see it and your parents didn't hit you, good for you.

There are ways of teaching your child that that don't involve weird, socially inappropriate and unfunny notes to teachers. I don't even see how OP can be so sure her daughter was skiving. Resting makes you feel better when you're ill. That's why you do it. It's certainly the kind of atmosphere that enables point-scoring parenting.

Honestly, the people on this thread who are maniacally insisting that it brings about the collapse of society not to find this funny, clever or the best way of handling the situation have clearly missed a few life lessons themselves. It's ridiculous. And OP still to be gloating about "checkmate" 20 years later? Weird.

I had/have an eating disorder, I definitely blame my mum for that, she has an unhealthy obsession with being thin and how others look, I have many regrets in how I have dealt with my DCs with regards to food. I know it went on then, I am not saying my parents were perfect. It is the OTT responses I have an issue with on here. My mum came from an awful family where violence and neglect was rife, I went to a pretty rough secondary school so definitely not sheltered. I just don't believe not lying for your child when skiving (let's face it the OP should know their child better than us) is permanently damaging if it was a one off incident. There are huge issues with teens now also, personally I believe they are much worse than they were years ago. Also know that 40-49 is a wirrying ages with regards to suicide, I have lost 3 male friends in that age bracket in the last 2 months to suicide. There is a happy medium to hitting and being extreme authoritarian and complete gently parenting.

My DCs are 16 and 14, they are relatively well adjusted, have a good work ethic in and out of school also. DC1 works in an area that involves a lot of criticsm and rejection, it is also a career where suicide is extremely common, especially this last couple of years, I am very conscious of how we parent him will be vital in how he copes. They have of course had ups and downs, I am far from perfect but I know I was a bit over protective of them in the earlier years and I could see it wasn't helping as they could not cope with any rejection or not achieving something, once they played in sports teams after the age of about 8 I realised they have to learn those things and I definitely feel that it has made them stronger people. Not pandering to them all the time has helped I believe.

Sorry if it came across that I was belittling the MH stats, that's not the case, I was purely saying I think it'll be massively worse in 20-30 years when the current teens are adults but in a totally different way.

Treating your children with respect and compassion and reasoning with them isn’t pandering to them. Humiliating them and dictating to them isn’t good. I treat my kids and everyone how I would like to be treated.

They usually don’t ask for a day off but if they do there is usually a reason. They’re not feeling great, they may be tired because they stayed up past their bedtime, they have their period. Just like adults. A little bit of compassion and talking to them and then indulging them sometimes isn’t going to make them into a spoiled brat. It is just going to let them realise that they can be their own person and their parent has their back.

And it also means that they are more honest with you and they are more open to negotiation and compromise.

And they listen more. I can have really good conversations with my kids when there is an issue because I come from the angle of understanding and trying to find a good solution, with their buy in.

My ex doesn’t do any of that. He shouts orders and insults. The kids are constantly fighting with him, don’t listen to what he says because he just talks at them.

They know that when they discuss things with me that I’m always fair and open.

I grew up in the 70s and my parents were great in many ways but very authoritarian. They took away many of my choices and still now it affects how I stand up for myself, how I bow down to authority. I also never tell them of any issues. I prefer the way I parent.

Incidentally, my grandmother was fair and loving, compassionate and understanding and never told us off. Which meant we never misbehaved with her.

I'll probably be leapt on for this, but the truth is that pulling the occasional sickie, while not ideal or to be encouraged, isn't uncommon and most people who do it are generally adulting fine overall. Once you no longer need a note from your mum it becomes much easier, and notes from the doctor for longer-term skiving are harder to get. Few people want to skive long term.

Absolutely brilliant. Good for you.
Far too many little brats running circles round their hand wringing, gentle wet lettuce excuse for parents these days!!!!

They usually don’t ask for a day off but if they do there is usually a reason. They’re not feeling great, they may be tired because they stayed up past their bedtime, they have their period. Just like adults. A little bit of compassion and talking to them and then indulging them sometimes isn’t going to make them into a spoiled brat. It is just going to let them realise that they can be their own person and their parent has their back

I don't indulge that shit in myself, I certainly won't indulge it in my kids. no way I'm teaching my kids that they can pull a sickie whenever they feel like it.

All to true. Too many times, have looked on in horror as Gentle Parent pleads with 4 year old brat to 'please don't kick Mummy, you know it makes her sad'.

Jesus Christ.

Indulging kids by letting them take a day off because they may be a bit tired is making them spoiled though. Get them into school and they will learn they need to have an early night. That's how they learn self regulation although on MN it seems that most people give their 17/18 yos strict bedtimes so I am not surprised with some of these responses. The young people who we employ at work are dreadful when it comes to sick days, I don't think most colleagues my age have had as many days sick in our while careers that they have had in their first year. They are the same ones whose parents call in sick for them also.

If they are genuinely unwell then of course they should stay off, no one is disputing that.