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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Checkmate For DD

294 replies

TheShellBeach · 20/10/2022 00:22

Reminiscing...........,,,twenty years on:

I recall when DD was thirteen she told me once that she was ill, so I let her have the day off school. Despite having had a "terrible headache and awful period pains" she recovered remarkably quickly and I realised by mid-morning that she'd been having me on.

The next day she asked me for a note to give her teacher, so I wrote the following:

"Dear Mrs. X,

DD was absent from school yesterday because she was pretending to be ill. My investigations suggest that this was very likely because she had failed to do her homework the night before.

Yours sincerely,

The Shell Beach"

Mrs. X was delighted with this missive and apparently pinned it on to the wall in the staff room. DD was less delighted when she discovered what I'd written, but she never tried that one on again.

OP posts:
AlwaysUphill · 20/10/2022 00:30

Humiliation by 2 adults instead of you actually parenting and checking homework is done. The fact she lied to you about it shows you didn’t communicate well or have a good relationship to start with. I’m sure this improved things massively.

Slow clap for parenting failure. 👏

Original poster
TheShellBeach · 20/10/2022 00:36

AlwaysUphill · 20/10/2022 00:30

Humiliation by 2 adults instead of you actually parenting and checking homework is done. The fact she lied to you about it shows you didn’t communicate well or have a good relationship to start with. I’m sure this improved things massively.

Slow clap for parenting failure. 👏

Oh dear. Maybe I should have written "light-hearted" on my post.
I'd forgotten that so many MNetters lack a sense of humour.

OP posts:
Pallisers · 20/10/2022 00:36

surely this isn't real. 20 years remembering and celebrating a time you humiliated your 13 year old? I suspect this thread will be pulled soon enough.

Discovereads · 20/10/2022 00:38

The lack of communication opens up alot of different possibilities.

Homework not being done could equally have been due to being unwell the night before. It doesn’t automatically mean your DD lied about being unwell.

And just because by resting all morning your headache eases and you’re coping with period pains, that doesn’t mean you were well enough to be in school (or at work if an adult).

Quite frankly, that was a mean a spiteful note to write to your DDs teacher. If you suspected your DD was lying, why didn’t you have a chat with her? Why did you judge her guilty and then proceed to publicly humiliate her?

I agree this is a parenting fail.

EmmaH2022 · 20/10/2022 00:45

Dear TheShellBeach,

Everyone needs to skive occasionally.

I hope your DD found ways to do it that were more fun than being at home woth mum e.g. shagging behind the bike sheds and enjoying a cigarette after.

Yours sincerely

Emma (who enjoyed school but still skived because life is long and tedious and skiving is fun).

HarrietSchulenberg · 20/10/2022 00:47

I think it's genius and I've written similar for PE excuse notes demanded on the morning of PE. Your DD tried it on and she met her match.

Peashoots · 20/10/2022 00:50

Oh FGS lighten up everyone. Sometimes kids are arseholes and are given a taste of their own medicine. There’s nothing wrong with this approach, the op didn’t “humiliate” her, if her daughter was embarrassed it was due to her own behaviour. Soft arsed parenting today is why kids are so bloody emotionally fragile and can’t take any criticism.

chargeback · 20/10/2022 00:50

That's awful. Way to lose your dd's trust in one fell swoop.

This reminds me of an aunt dragging me to primary school one day when my lovely mum was abroad due to a family emergency and I was left with older siblings. She told my teacher in front of the class that I was hiding but didn't explain why.

No doubt she felt like a crusader but I looked on her with contempt from that day on.

PurpleWisteria1 · 20/10/2022 00:58

This reminds me of how lots of parenting was done 20/30 years ago and makes me think how I was treated as a teen is not the way I parent my 13 year old today.

Carrieonmywaywardsun · 20/10/2022 00:59

Do you really need to win against your daughter? Maybe you need to work through the issues you have that make you feel that way. Perhaps instead of trying to checkmate her you could've kept an eye on her homework progress, how she was coping with school etc and provided a healthy environment so she didn't have to lie to you. Hopefully she has better support than you now!

Notatallanamechange · 20/10/2022 01:00

Wow, some absolute belters on this thread. I bet the humorous aspect of the OP has done her far more good with her daughter than those of you with sticks up your arses and yours.

chargeback · 20/10/2022 01:06

Story doesn't even make sense. Why would dd take that note to her teacher. She probably faked a sick note and told OP she gave her the original note.

Checkmate from dd.

Badgirlriri · 20/10/2022 01:42

Peashoots · 20/10/2022 00:50

Oh FGS lighten up everyone. Sometimes kids are arseholes and are given a taste of their own medicine. There’s nothing wrong with this approach, the op didn’t “humiliate” her, if her daughter was embarrassed it was due to her own behaviour. Soft arsed parenting today is why kids are so bloody emotionally fragile and can’t take any criticism.

Absolutely!

Pallisers · 20/10/2022 01:44

What is the humorous aspect of the OP? like where did anyone laugh or smile or think something was amusing in the OP?

NCAutumn · 20/10/2022 01:45

I'm waiting for the punchline Confused

SirenSays · 20/10/2022 02:12

Why didn't she read the note? I'd have used it to copy your signature from, chucked it in the bin and written my own.

trelliskeeper · 20/10/2022 02:15

Righto. What’s the AIBU?

OrderConfirmation · 20/10/2022 03:37

Are you a narcissistic op?

OrderConfirmation · 20/10/2022 03:38

Bloody autocorrect. You catch my drift.

donttellmehesalive · 20/10/2022 03:42

There's nothing humiliating about catching your dc out in a lie and calling them on it. I'm a teacher and the best kids have parents who aren't afraid to pull them up when they misbehave, demonstrate that they're working with the school and not against it and don't make excuses for poor behaviour.

Unless there's a massive drip feed in which op reveals that that was the beginning of the end of their relationship, or that she's now nc with her dd, I think it's safe to assume that it had the desired affect and is nothing more than a funny story.

SeasonFinale · 20/10/2022 04:02

It isn't a parenting fail to not check that a 13 year old had done their homework . It is their homework and their responsibility.

NameChangex3 · 20/10/2022 06:30

You sound awful. So proud to get one up on your teenage daughter instead of having her back.
Wondering what your relationship is like with her now. Although I'm inclined to not believe your response. You seem to lack insight.

ChaosDemon · 20/10/2022 06:41

Wow the responses here. Aren't your hands sore from all the hand wringing?

I was that age 20 years ago OP and my DM would have done exactly the same. Except I knew this, so never tried it Grin We have and had a fantastic relationship but I knew the rules. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Parenting culture may have changed now but that doesn't mean all parenting done differently then was wrong. Most of us turned out okay!

WokingOrNot · 20/10/2022 06:41

Peashoots · 20/10/2022 00:50

Oh FGS lighten up everyone. Sometimes kids are arseholes and are given a taste of their own medicine. There’s nothing wrong with this approach, the op didn’t “humiliate” her, if her daughter was embarrassed it was due to her own behaviour. Soft arsed parenting today is why kids are so bloody emotionally fragile and can’t take any criticism.

I'll correct that for you:
Soft parenting is why kids are capable to show all kinds of emotions and stand up for themselves.
Parenting in the past is why my generation is so affected by mental health crisis.

Hercisback · 20/10/2022 06:52

Parenting in the past is why my generation is so affected by mental health crisis.

Have you seen the stats for MH in teenagers now?