To clean or not to clean for inlaws? Embarrassed about our house.

[ThreeLittleBirds11]

My inlaws live in a different part of the country now and are coming to stay near us for the first time next week. Sounds terrible but I'm just so pleased we don't have enough space for them to actually stay in our house. However, they will still be spending a lot of time with us in our home which is nice but do I make a special effort to clean and present the house better or should they just take us as they find us?

So for context... dh and I both work, we have a 4yo and a baby. Plus, dh, myself and very likely dc1, all have adhd! So we're not exactly the most functional people around the home!

My mil likes things clean, tidy and well presented (in her house) so this makes me feel a bit pressurised. They've seen our house plenty of times before but they've never spent more than an hour tops in it.

We have stuff everywhere, stains on chairs, walls, floors, and grass that hasn't been cut for weeks and weeks. Clean clothes rarely find themselves in wardrobes or cupboards. Instead they gather in piles on the landing waiting to be distributed. The kitchen units are fairly cluttered and the fridge and hob need a good clean.

On the plus side, the bathrooms are always very clean as I'm super fussy about clean toilets. So inlaws should be OK in there! 😂

The other thing is, dc1 has toileting accidents (no. 1s) every so often so I can sometimes smell that in the carpet despite always cleaning it after. That particularly embarrasses me.

Would you spruce up the house for inlaws? Or just let them see it for how it really is?

It is NOT just the woman’s responsibility to clean. Both parties need to get on it. Men can obviously put clutter away and clean the carpets too. It is NOT just OP’s job to sort this out.
Nb Keep inviting people round if it makes you tidy up - I find it very motivational too!

Yes sorry, you need to clean. I'd be mortified to have a filthy house that smelt of possibly

It's not goady at all. But I'll give you an example. My kitchen table is cluttered with stuff (on a typical day it might have on it: binoculars from when we had a woodpecker in the garden, medical appointment letters, newspapers, crossword puzzle books, some pairs of socks DS forgot to pack, table mats with crumbs on from breakfast, a bowl of fruit with a few fruit flies flitting around it, hald a carafe of water.)

It should be pretty easy to tidy this. But I pick up the binoculars, think: where should I put these? (ADHD people often don;t have a home for every item in the house) I decide the hallway stand drawer. I go into the hall. I notice the plant needs watering and put the binoclars on top of the hall stand (not in the drawer) because the wilting plant has distracted me. I fetch a jug to water the plant, go to the downstairs loo to fill the jug and see some handmade soap DS made at school which reminds me I was going to send some cubes of it to my mum so I go upstairs to find a box to put the soap in. Looking in the stationery cupboard to find a box the right size I see we are almost out of pens and remember I had a discount voucher for a Viking order. Where did I put it? I think it might be in the bedroom, so I go to the bedroom...

This is no exaggeration. This is a typical day for me. I get around it by setting a 5 minute timer on the cooker to try and tidy as much as I can in one room in 5 minutes. By the time the 5 minute timer goes off I am almost invariable in another room with zero memory that I had even set the timer or that I should be in the kitchen clearing the table.

It is very hard work being organised with a brain than flits around like a squirrel.

Forgot to point out that in the scenario above about 15 mins will have passed and not a single thing from that table has been tidied yet but I have been on the moving trying to get things done the whole time.

If you don't know anyone or understand ADHD there is plenty of info online.

From my experience living and working with people with ADHD many are just very messy they leave things lying round, they are easily distracted and forget it's there, then they lose it and spend ages looking for it or the task of tidying up is overwhelming because there is so much stuff.

They may be impulsive, always flitting from one thing to another, starting a task then thinking of another, so tasks are hard to finish. Time planning can be difficult so whereas someone can whizz through a house in 2 hours they may think about what to do next and then think of something else and 30 minutes has passed and they haven't even started.

Organisation skills can be chaotic, planning non-existent and all of a sudden everything seems to be overwhelming whereas other people can see it a mile off.

So you or I may think if I don't fold that washing as soon as it comes out of the dryer it's going to get creased. A person with ADHD may forget the washing is in the dryer and spend half an hour looking for their jeans that are in the dryer since last night and are now creased and now need ironing or rewashing because they forgot to turn the dryer on.

One daft example but typical of someone with ADHD and when this happens with multiple things it soon builds up. It's very frustrating.

Holding down a job, especially one where you need to organise yourself can drain their mental energy so there is nothing in the tank after work. So whereas we can pop to the shop on the way home and put some washing in while the tea is cooking, some people with ADHD can barely focus after a day's work never mind run a duster round and multitask.

It's half term next week. 9 days off work, if you spend 8 hours sleeping each day that's still 144 hours to fill. If you do some work, say 3 hours each day, that still gives you 117 hours - your husband has 117 hours too.

If you both spend just 10 minutes of every hour next week on your house, that's a total of 39 hours of tidying and cleaning. It won't take all of that time to make your house habitable, and that's both of you cleaning/sorting for only 10 minutes of every hour.

The world "grim" ought to be banned from MN.

OP, my house is like yours (I also have ADHD). People coming to visit is the one reason I try to do something about it, so I probably would in your situation.

I'm in the same position so I'm decluttering and deep cleaning bit by bit. Starting with the bathroom, then going to the kitchen, lounge and bedrooms. Worst case it doesn't all get done, but I'll feel better if I get back on top of it all.

@fatgirlslimmer That is a very good explanation!

@BuryingAcorns are you my husband?

Seriously though your post touches me because this is how he is, he describes his head like the inside of a washing machine, sometimes it is quiet just holding water, sometimes its tumbling about and sometimes it's on 1400 spin. He would look at the mess on your table and say that's what my head looks like inside.

Okay OP. I know it’s hard and overwhelming but both you and your DH must make more effort for your children’s sake long term. I agree with the PP’s advising a friend or maybe your mum to come round to help. This is where having a bossy pal will come in handy! Talk to your DH and get him on board then start with decluttering. You have a garage so get all your unused clothes in bin bags and in the garage. Then start with one room at a time. Focus on the rooms your in-laws will be mainly in like the lounge and the kitchen and work your way round. Getting started is the hardest part. Just get up right now and collect all the mugs and glasses to take to the kitchen. You can do it OP and you’ll feel great once it’s done.

@fatgirlslimmer - your post shows how totally you understand us. Your DH is very lucky to have you.

DS has ADHD too and the thing he struggles with most is coming back from a full day at college or work and then having to find the energy to go shopping or do laundry. It cripples him.

Would making a list of jobs for OP and her DH help, I wonder?
In your situation, I would work with DH to do a big clean and tidy. Once done, make a rota for daily tasks each of you will be responsible for. DH and I kind of work like this and it takes quite a bit of pressure off. I think living in a cluttered and untidy home is really bad for your mental health. Having loads of piles of clothes all over the house is stressful - how do you find what to wear each day? Having piles of crap on the stairs is also dangerous.

OP, I say you and DH should tidy and clean and then try to figure a way to stay on top of it all for everyone’s sakes.

Why is it assumed that every in law visit is "terrible"? They're your husband's parents and your kids' grandparents. Don't they deserve a bit of respect?

And yes it's a normal thing to clean a house for guests. Plus sounds like it needs doing anyway, not nice for you to live in squalor.

OP - on a practical note,. Zoflora kills carpet smells and comes in loads of different scents. I'd use it neat on areas where your child has had an accident.

For kitchen floor, use the kind of cleaner that doesn't need rinsing, like Method's almond or lemon and ginger floor product - you just squirt it on the floor and mop. It dries almost instantly.

@fatgirlslimmer

mother of an adhd teen son here.
how can I help? Struggling

I"m short of cash but even I would throw money at this and quickly.

Get someone in. You declutter around them.

Forget the visitors - it's grim for your children to be living this way surely?

If you could get it sorted, it would be easier to keep on top of.

You should definitely clean it. Not for them but for you and your DC. Mess is ok but dirt isn't. if you can't face doing it yourself get a company to do a one off deep clean.

As a MIL myself, I would be happy if my DS and DDIL took me into their confidence to explain how ADHD affects housekeeping and organisational skills as you have done here. You each hold down a professional job so I would already be proud of you both for that anyway. I would be happy to roll up my sleeves and use some of my visit to get stuck in with the clean up if it meant we were helping to make a positive difference. Or I might offer to pay for a one-off cleaner or a workman for the jobs that need doing if that was preferred.
Could you both make a team-work effort to spruce up a bit, so that you can at least welcome them in properly, offer them a cuppa and explain how you are overwhelmed and ashamed with a house that has to be done up but with very little time to get to grips with it and with your ADHD issues.
Do you feel they would be empathetic and could help out in some way ?
They might be happy to help if you explain the real ADHD problem to them rather than regarding them and their visit as the awkward problem.
Good luck OP.

In answer to your very clear AIBU, yes I would spruce up. I think it’s rude to invite people but not make an effort to make them feel welcome and comfortable.

Do it for yourself and your family it's a good excuse.

BuryingAcorns, if it helps at all, I walk around saying out loud 'You're putting the binoculars away. Finish putting the binoculars away.'

I sound like a loon, but fortunately I'm mostly doing this alone.

Somehow I got a degree and PhD and hold down a job while losing stuff left right and centre.

Yeah I would. I do when we have visitors, just seems the polite thing to do

Agree with @LAMPS1

As a MIL myself, I would be happy if my DS and DDIL took me into their confidence to explain how ADHD affects housekeeping and organisational skills as you have done here. You each hold down a professional job so I would already be proud of you both for that anyway. I would be happy to roll up my sleeves and use some of my visit to get stuck in with the clean up if it meant we were helping to make a positive difference. Or I might offer to pay for a one-off cleaner or a workman for the jobs that need doing if that was preferred.

Explain that you are completely overwhelmed. Teaching is hard especially if you have little kids at home to sort out.

Ask if they can help by having children for a day while you & DH do a big clear up.

Once you have decluttered then you need to get a one off deep clean.

I would also put newspaper down in area where DS is weeing.

I use the shame when people come over to motivate me to sort the house out. We are a ND household too.
I put on a podcast and tackle one room at a time with a 30 minute limit for each room.

Battling executive dysfunction all day at work - i.e. not being able to get on task, then stay on task, then focus on what I should be doing, etc etc - is exhausting. When I get home and I see the hoover needs putting away and the fridge has mouldy food in and a million other things need doing, and my brain is already exhausted but spinning at a thousand miles an hour, and I'm sensorily overloaded from constant input but also need constant dopamine hits to motivate myself... one of two things happen.

Either I just can't do it - will spend 3-4 hours sitting on the sofa internally WANTING to put my pyjamas on or cook or tidy or do anything that isn't just sitting there (my mum said I used to look like I was in a trance, but my mind was going ten to the dozen - I just didn't have the 'revs' to get physically doing anything).

Or I'll start - I'll open the fridge to clear it out and spot that there's no milk, so I'll go to write 'milk' on the shopping list on the side, and when I'm there I'll spot a card I was meant to post, so I'll go to text DH to ask if he can pick up stamps, and as I'm texting him I'll see a notification (smartphones + ADHD = hell) and end up scrolling Twitter for an hour and then I'll see a post about making your own candles or something and I'll go hunting for whether we still have the candle making equipment I bought on a whim (ADHD + impulsive behaviour) 3 years ago and pull a load of stuff out of a cupboard then when I'm in there I spot some photo frames I've been meaning to put up for 6 months so I'll go and search for the hammer and nails and while I'm in the garage I'll see the bikes are filthy from when we went out last week so I'll go back in the house, leave the hammer on the side, get some cleaning stuff out, back to the garage, start cleaning the bikes, then DH calls me back so I answer and walk around talking to him for a bit and while I do it I take the clean washing out of the dryer and put it on the side but I don't fold it because as I do that I notice the cats haven't been fed so I get the box of cat food out...

And suddenly it's 2 hours later and the fridge still has mouldy food, there isn't milk on the shopping list, I've pulled a load of stuff out of a cupboard, there's a hammer and nails and photo frames on the kitchen side, the garage is open and now I need to remember to lock it, there's a box of cat food and some clean washing on the side... I've achieved almost nothing and it's even more of a mess. And then the shame and frustration kicks in and I hate myself for being unable to do what normal people do, and the shame is paralysing so I go in search of dopamine (ADHD brains lack dopamine, that's part of the problem) which manifests itself as scrolling Tiktok mindlessly for 45 minutes or eating sugary shite or whatever, which doesn't really help the shame and self-loathing.

On the flip side, I describe it as having a machine gun which you can't aim most of the time but sometimes it just locks onto a target - you can't pick it, but sometimes you just LOCK. IN. And when that happens it could be something unproductive (like 'youtube rabbit hole on how to build a chest of drawers' when I'm supposed to be cooking) but it can also be productive. And when that happens, I ride that wave - I was cleaning the bathroom at 3am the other week because I couldn't sleep and suddenly ALL the available focus and concentration in my body was hyper focused on making the house clean and I was like a woman possessed, cleaning the top of cupboards I've never even looked at before. The brief 24 hours after those rare cleaning binges are the nicest my house ever looks, ha!

It's a shitty disorder, because so much of it looks like laziness, but it's so damaging to your self-esteem to KNOW what needs doing but be utterly incapable of executing it. Like being in a car, in first gear, at the lights, and the lights go green and you know you need to go, but your leg has suddenly gone numb and you can't press the accelerator, while the passengers are going "...just go??? Just press the pedal?". Horrible.