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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To clean or not to clean for inlaws? Embarrassed about our house.

471 replies

ThreeLittleBirds11 · 19/10/2022 23:46

My inlaws live in a different part of the country now and are coming to stay near us for the first time next week. Sounds terrible but I'm just so pleased we don't have enough space for them to actually stay in our house. However, they will still be spending a lot of time with us in our home which is nice but do I make a special effort to clean and present the house better or should they just take us as they find us?

So for context... dh and I both work, we have a 4yo and a baby. Plus, dh, myself and very likely dc1, all have adhd! So we're not exactly the most functional people around the home!

My mil likes things clean, tidy and well presented (in her house) so this makes me feel a bit pressurised. They've seen our house plenty of times before but they've never spent more than an hour tops in it.

We have stuff everywhere, stains on chairs, walls, floors, and grass that hasn't been cut for weeks and weeks. Clean clothes rarely find themselves in wardrobes or cupboards. Instead they gather in piles on the landing waiting to be distributed. The kitchen units are fairly cluttered and the fridge and hob need a good clean.

On the plus side, the bathrooms are always very clean as I'm super fussy about clean toilets. So inlaws should be OK in there! 😂

The other thing is, dc1 has toileting accidents (no. 1s) every so often so I can sometimes smell that in the carpet despite always cleaning it after. That particularly embarrasses me.

Would you spruce up the house for inlaws? Or just let them see it for how it really is?

OP posts:
Shinyhappyperson22 · 20/10/2022 08:47

DWMoosmum · 20/10/2022 08:39

Sounds like you might need some domestic help. I run a cleaning business and see houses like this on a regular basis but the relief people feel when I've worked my magic is just amazing to see. It gives people mental clarity as well as a feeling of peace.

Why down you ring around local cleaning companies and get a quote for someone to come in and give it a one off clean for you, it might even help you going forward. That way you will feel less anxious about your inlaws coming.

She’s already said she can’t afford a cleaner.

Endlesslysurprised84 · 20/10/2022 08:49

What kids need is love and attention.

in reality they need a whole lot more than that

OoooohMatron · 20/10/2022 08:50

Do it for yourself and more importantly your child. Sorry but your house sounds minging and I'm certainly no clean freak. Could you afford a one off deep clean? Get it sorted so it's easy to keep on top of things.

Endlesslysurprised84 · 20/10/2022 08:51

They love in a different part of the country
and have only even visited for an hour tops
So where have they stayed?

SleeplessInEngland · 20/10/2022 08:54

If your ADHD is stopping you all from cleaning then I would work out how you can afford a cleaner even just once a month for a basic 'reset'.

And yes, you should clean for visitors who are going to be there for a while. That's basic manners I'm afraid.

SunshineAndFizz · 20/10/2022 08:56

Book a day off work, get someone to look after the kids for a few hours (if they're not in school/nursery) and have a good old clean.

I know it be hard finding the time to do all the cleaning with busy lives and kids. I try to do one thing each day, big or small. Helps keep on top of things and avoid the feeling there's too much (and therefore do nothing). 5 mins one day to put the clothes away. 10 minutes another day to mop the floor.

Moveoverdarlin · 20/10/2022 08:56

I’m baffled that a teacher has to go on an Internet forum to ask ‘I have visitors coming, should I tidy up my messy house?’ The answer is yes. Yes you do.

LostInTheDark · 20/10/2022 08:58

This isn't goady it's a genuine question, how does ADHD stop a person cleaning up? Does it make them immune to mess or does it make them just not want to do it? I hate cleaning and tidying I really do but if we didn't we'd live in a pit. Our family is similar to ops in that we both have full on jobs (my husband is a teacher too) and 2 of our children are the same age as ops (we have a 6 year old too) so I get how hard it is, but we make ourselves clean up even if we are exhausted and we really are, i still breastfeed a 1 year old in the night. A huge declutter helps, hire a skip and get rid of old clothes and toys, make some space. The less stuff you have to keep tidy the less mess you can create. Half term is coming up why not use a day to clear out and get your husband to take a days hol? This is what we do, it's a sad waste of hols but you have to do it.

User38899953 · 20/10/2022 08:59

quietnightmare · 19/10/2022 23:57

Clean it for yourselves and your child never mind the in laws 🙄

I have to agree with this.

As a child that grew up in a grim house like you describe, I can tell you it was awful. I never invited friends round.

Houses shouldn't have stains everywhere and a piss smell.

Hugasauras · 20/10/2022 09:00

When we need a catch-up tidy, one of takes the kids out of the house for a couple of hours and the other ones goes all guns blazing. It's amazing what two hours with no kids achieves!

hellcatspangle · 20/10/2022 09:00

Clean it. You'll all benefit from it, not just the in-laws.

Bellaboo01 · 20/10/2022 09:04

I would clean and tidy absolutely but, saying that I would be doing it anyway as i like a clean and tidy house (it's lived in but, clean and tidy).
I could do with sorting and organising a few drawers and cupboards but, generally i don't like loads of clutter. My loft on the other-hand is a disaster!

Endlesslysurprised84 · 20/10/2022 09:04

LostInTheDark · 20/10/2022 08:58

This isn't goady it's a genuine question, how does ADHD stop a person cleaning up? Does it make them immune to mess or does it make them just not want to do it? I hate cleaning and tidying I really do but if we didn't we'd live in a pit. Our family is similar to ops in that we both have full on jobs (my husband is a teacher too) and 2 of our children are the same age as ops (we have a 6 year old too) so I get how hard it is, but we make ourselves clean up even if we are exhausted and we really are, i still breastfeed a 1 year old in the night. A huge declutter helps, hire a skip and get rid of old clothes and toys, make some space. The less stuff you have to keep tidy the less mess you can create. Half term is coming up why not use a day to clear out and get your husband to take a days hol? This is what we do, it's a sad waste of hols but you have to do it.

It makes it difficult, yes.
But absolutely not impossible.
just requires more effort than without

LookItsMeAgain · 20/10/2022 09:08

quietnightmare · 19/10/2022 23:57

Clean it for yourselves and your child never mind the in laws 🙄

This.

Also, I would consider in the post Christmas sales, getting laminate flooring and using some rugs on the floor instead of having the carpets. Much easier to clean up any spillage (of any sort) than from carpet.

That's actually quite grim to be honest.

JennyWren87 · 20/10/2022 09:08

Before my in-laws come I tidy the front room, clean bathroom/kitchen and run the hoover around. Sounds like a lot but me and my partner do it together and it only takes 30 minutes. I kind of resent it sometimes BUT I know I couldn't relax it I didn't do it.

mondaytosunday · 20/10/2022 09:08

I'd make sure it was clean and tidy, as I would for my family. When my sisters visit (from abroad) the house starts out all tidy but my autistic niece soon puts paid to that! But I really only do a proper proper clean when visitors come so it's a good thing I do have them!

ChronicOverthinkr · 20/10/2022 09:09

@Shinyhappyperson22 if you think I’m a drama llama for thinking a lingering urine smell is gross, then I’ll own that. It’s absolutely disgusting and I wouldn’t rest until I knew it didn’t smell any more. Google brings up tonnes of ideas for getting rid of a urine smell, there is literally no excuse for leaving it like that.

If it matters, I also have ADHD (inattentive) so I am aware of the effort it takes to overcome the inertia and start cleaning, but a lingering smell of urine is unacceptable. That’s my opinion - you’re allowed to disagree - that’s the point of discussion forums.

BuryingAcorns · 20/10/2022 09:10

It's great that your bathroom is clean - that's the main thing.

Make one room look totally presentable - either the living room or the kitchen, whichever they are more likely to hang around in. (Though a living room is way easier to keep tidy than a kitchen. So go for that if you can)

Clean, tidy, fresh, with some focal points of cut flowers or plants or photo display. Usher them into this room every time they come over. the rest of the house can be heaped tih stuff but having one room fit to entertain visitors is very good for your MH (I also have ADHD so I know exactly what you are describing.)

If you have time, tidy the hallway too./ If they come into a tidy hall and are invite dinto a clean tidy room they really have no business checking out the rest of the house or how you live.

Spanielsarepainless · 20/10/2022 09:10

I would clean it. Much as I dislike some of DH 's relations I would want to welcome them to a clean and tidy house.

Whatsleftnow · 20/10/2022 09:12

I’m voting for cleaning because with adhd you have to leverage things like in-laws visits in order to get things done.

A pp mentioned the podcast A Slob Comes Clean (she changed my life - she absolutely gets the adhd brain) for long term help. Also KC Davis How to keep house while drowning (which some of the superior posters here should also read and check their ableist privilege)

I get it Op. Right down to the unshiftable urine. In my case it was the cat and I couldn’t shift the smell, and we eventually had to rip out the carpets completely. (You might need to pull up a section of carpet and spray the underlay as well) But until we could afford to do that, it was just awful and it takes a huge toll.

ShineyCrab · 20/10/2022 09:14

Your husband can clean if he is embarrassed. I don't see why you should clean for them though?

Pinkbananas01 · 20/10/2022 09:14

Clean up for yourselves before the visit, feeling embarrassed shows you're not happy anyway with the way your home is currently. Get your DH & DC to help, make it a game, most kids like to help with adult tasks & even if they don't do the best job it all helps.
Moving forward id suggest taking a look at one of the cleaning apps to help keep you organised, the organised mum method is just 30mins a day & it does make a difference fairly quickly. Other apps available so pick what suits you.

SleeplessInEngland · 20/10/2022 09:14

ShineyCrab · 20/10/2022 09:14

Your husband can clean if he is embarrassed. I don't see why you should clean for them though?

They should both clean because they should both be embarrassed.

Endlesslysurprised84 · 20/10/2022 09:16

How well do you get on with your inlaws?

if my DIL said to me “MIL, as you know - Dh and i have Adhd and throw in work and babies - we are struggling to keep on top of the housework. I’m going to try to ready it for you but I don’t want you to feel that I haven’t made an effort when it will look less than perfect”. I would respond with “DIL, don’t give what I think another thought. I’m just happy to be with you all. As you know, I’m a bit on the obsessive side of cleaning, and I would genuinely love to help you with the cleaning whilst I’m there - if you think that would help?”

ZeroFuchsGiven · 20/10/2022 09:17

ShineyCrab · 20/10/2022 09:14

Your husband can clean if he is embarrassed. I don't see why you should clean for them though?

They both should be embarrassed!