To clean or not to clean for inlaws? Embarrassed about our house.

[ThreeLittleBirds11]

My inlaws live in a different part of the country now and are coming to stay near us for the first time next week. Sounds terrible but I'm just so pleased we don't have enough space for them to actually stay in our house. However, they will still be spending a lot of time with us in our home which is nice but do I make a special effort to clean and present the house better or should they just take us as they find us?

So for context... dh and I both work, we have a 4yo and a baby. Plus, dh, myself and very likely dc1, all have adhd! So we're not exactly the most functional people around the home!

My mil likes things clean, tidy and well presented (in her house) so this makes me feel a bit pressurised. They've seen our house plenty of times before but they've never spent more than an hour tops in it.

We have stuff everywhere, stains on chairs, walls, floors, and grass that hasn't been cut for weeks and weeks. Clean clothes rarely find themselves in wardrobes or cupboards. Instead they gather in piles on the landing waiting to be distributed. The kitchen units are fairly cluttered and the fridge and hob need a good clean.

On the plus side, the bathrooms are always very clean as I'm super fussy about clean toilets. So inlaws should be OK in there! 😂

The other thing is, dc1 has toileting accidents (no. 1s) every so often so I can sometimes smell that in the carpet despite always cleaning it after. That particularly embarrasses me.

Would you spruce up the house for inlaws? Or just let them see it for how it really is?

I'm fascinated by the family who find that the ASD members' need for tidiness clashes with the ADHD members' ability to create chaos in an empty room. In our house, (at least) two people have both ASD and ADHD. We clash with our own needs quite a lot.

DD says she's heard ADHD described as 'Everyone has 50 marbles to hold. But most other people got a bag to put them in.'

I would give it a clean too, but for myself and family. When I visit my grown up son and family I go to see them, not their house! I agree about clean toilets etc because that is about hygiene and good health, but a bit of clutter is to be expected when you have jobs and young children. Are your in laws a v it judgemental?

Sorry OP, this isn’t good. You and your partner need to get on top of this.

I have ADHD, a building site for a home, and this is how I clean and tidy - it might help you.

Tidying: I use a bag system, to collect items from around the house to return to the correct rooms. I take a room at a time, shut the door (physically shut myself in), and sort “stray” items back to where they belong. Stray items that belong outside of that room go into a bag labelled for each room. Once that room is done, I go to the next room with my bags, and continue the process. This only really works if everything has a “home” - you may need a sacrificial bag (or room) to dump stuff in until you get on top of it. I keep on top of it by having very little “stuff”.

Cleaning: I prefer to take this a product or task at a time, otherwise I faff massively. Vacuuming first, then dusting, then glass, then mopping. If I notice something else that needs doing while I’m busy with my task (e.g. noticing piss on the carpet while vacuuming), it goes onto a “to do” list on my phone rather than dealt with there and then. That really helps keep me focused. I actually use Alexa to run the “to do” list, so I don’t have to pick up my phone (and risk going down a rabbit hole there…).

It’s absolutely possible to have ADHD and an organised home - you manage it in the workplace. But I suspect you need to scale back your “stuff” first, otherwise it’s a huge uphill battle.

I should add, I always clean when people are coming. I use Flylady techniques. 5 minute room rescue, 15 minutes to company ready, 27 thing fling etc. Keeps you focused.

Start by setting a timer for 5 minutes and make a single area look better than it did. (If you're like me you will have got distracted before the timer buzzes. I used to do it in 2x 2 minute and 1 x 1 minute bursts to help me focus) Start with big visual stuff: Hang up coats and bags, pair shoes, chuck out newspapers and junk mail, empty bottles and any other packaging/rubbish. Wipe down surfaces.

In another 5 mins, get a small box or basket for each member of the family and put stuff belonging to them in the box. Put the boxes on the stairs.

This is not ideal for an ADHD family as no one will ever empty the boxes or find the stuff in them. But as an emergency measure when guests come, it is helpful. And you do get into the habit of saying "Have you looked for it in your box?'

When were you diagnosed?

the reason I ask is my teen son has just been diagnosed and I read this and I can’t help thinking - what’s the point of a diagnosis if he’s going to get to adult hood and this is still his life.

is there anything that can be done that actually works?

OP I get it (to a certain extent) since I also have ADHD but you need your inlaws visit to light a fire under your arse. I grew up in a cluttered house and it was extremely embarrassing and stressful as a child and won't be helping your son who will definitely benefit from a bit of order.

I would also suggest hiring a rug doctor to properly wash any urine smelling carpets after clearing your floors and hoovering.

As someone with ADHD I would then make a chart for yourself and your husband to keep on top of the house. ADHD is a reason your house is a mess as it screws with executive function but you can dig yourself out of it for the sake of your children, I did. You have me symapthy as it is difficult but you have to do it for your kids.

Also make a dedicated effort to take a few car loads of stuff whether clothes or junk to either charity shops or the tip. If you're anything like me you "accidentally" end up hoarding clutter and clothes. Just bag it and get rid! Be brutal. It will be a weight off your shoulders not having to find anywhere to put this crap.

I'd do a spring clean and make it as nice as you can. More for you rather than them. When your house is clean and tidy and decluttered it's easier to keep on top of it. Can you set yourself a goal of a room a day, drawer a day etc.

Ooh some of these suggestions for ADHD tidying are gold BTW! I will be nicking some of these ideas. Xx ....Should probably stop procrastinating on Mumsnet now. 😬

You really need to clean it anyway. Has nothing to do with the inlaws....
But to start with get the rooms clean the inlaws will be using and close all other doors when they are there.
I actually read an article about this just an hour ago but it's in German so I'll not link to it.
Basically it said bathrooms need to be clean - toilet, wash around sink, toothpaste splashes off the mirror, surfaces tidied.
Lounge - clear any coffee and side tables of piles of junk, fluff up cushions, hoover around. Marks on the wall, dust on decorative items can be left - probably won't be noticed.
Kitchen - clean hob, sink and outside of fridge. Don't let guests access fridge themselves if it's a mess. Wipe down worktops. Most importantly floor - hoover then mop.
Entrance hall - hang up coats or tidy away, line up shoes, move loose change, keys and other bits off surfaces.

That should be manageable before they come. Forget about everything else.
Then after their visit work out how to tackle the other problems you have and how to get a routine in place. Lots of ideas up thread for this. I appreciate it is difficult with ADHD, but you do need to tackle it.

Blitz it. Use it as an opportunity to do some decluttering then it just needs a few minutes a day to keep it perfect. Your mood will lift too not seeing junk everywhere.

*When were you diagnosed?

the reason I ask is my teen son has just been diagnosed and I read this and I can’t help thinking - what’s the point of a diagnosis if he’s going to get to adult hood and this is still his life.

is there anything that can be done that actually works?*

Very few girls have been diagnosed historically, I work in education and girls with ADHD only came on my radar around 15 years ago max.

Diagnosis is just that, diagnosis. Being given proper support and strategies is what makes the difference, for your son, having the acknowledgment that it's the way his brain works and not laziness, imo is a huge advantage. As a 'hidden adhd' girl then woman it took me twice as long to get strategies in place as I bought into the I'm lazy and messy narrative. I'm still not there but getting better.

Thing is, it's a lifelong thing. Strategies help but it's always going to be more difficult for us. You are never 'done' because as soon as you have one set of strategies in place, another raises its head or you neglect something previously mastered.

The best thing you can do is collect strategies, ditch those that don't help and make sure he has 'down time' to reset planned in.

It's not that he won't be successful, a lot of people with ADHD are very successful, it's just that he's got an extra challenge to meet what everyday life throws at others who deal with it easily.

Diagnosis younger is important for lots of reasons:

• understanding your brain and how it's motivated - i.e. it took me to 26 to learn that 'you should do X' doesn't work for me, but that stacking it with dopamine-giving tasks or motivating myself using music works, or that sleep and diet are CRUCIAL for keeping my symptoms under control, etc etc.
• Support during school/college/uni (I was chronically depressed from 16-22 because I despised how difficult I found doing school and uni work compared to other people and thought I was just shit at life)
• On both of the above, pre-empting the shame and embarassment and low self-esteem that can come from thinking you're just lazy or bad at stuff, which can have a lasting toll if you're diagnosed much later or never diagnosed
• Trying medication - there are various stimulant and non-stimulant types, they're not for everyone but they can have a significant benefit
• Learning how the emotional dysregulation that comes with ADHD can affect relationships and your mental health and finding strategies/support/therapy to deal with that

If I'd been diagnosed at 16 and not 26, there's a decade of my life - the decade where I became an adult and formed a view of myself and who I am - I would have experienced so differently. I would have been able to research how to work with my brain, would have asked for help with money management and impulsiveness and maybe not ended up in debt, would have hated myself less. It wouldn't have made it go away, but the best thing my diagnosis brought me was a sense of understanding myself and not hating myself for what I perceived as failings. There's a sense of loss, too - I remember being devastated that the things I'd assumed/hoped I'd one day 'grow out of' (I had a real sense that I was just shit at being an adult and needed to get better at it, which was damaging to my self-esteem) were actually features rather than bugs. But it has been really healing to know that they're not personal failings, but symptoms I can try and manage.

It sounds awful to be honest.
Smells of wee? Grim. Get up and clean. What a challenging environment for your DC. If you don’t have the focus yourself get a weekly cleaner.

I bought into the I'm lazy and messy narrative

It's not really any wonder that we criticise ourselves. Just look at the savagery on this thread.

Ironically, I have spent years advocating for my son (autistic, diagnosed at 7, no he can't 'just get on with it and stop making a fuss' any more than a deaf child could just listen up), and very little time trying to sort out my own problems and those of my non-fuss-making daughter.

Our friends live for a mantra "friends don't care if your house is clean, they care if you have wine".. but their house is so gross. DS got covered on filth crawling around the floor and previously DH actually cleaned the bathroom for them as he couldn't cope. So definitely clean but mainly for your families sake

She has cleaned it.
She can't afford a cleaner.

In the interests of kindness to the neurodiverse, I'll assume you didn't have the concentration span to read the thread properly.

As someone who does a mega deep clean of the house this time of year ready for the winter. I'd just see it as something that needs doing anyway.

I would also try and do it for yourselves and your children. I know it's hard and it doesn't have to be perfect. Could you and DH spend 20/30 mins absolutely blitzing a room every evening with the kids plonked in front of the tv? It's amazing how much you can get done in that time if you really go for it. Sorting out stuff seems to be a priority as well. The less stuff you have, the easier it is to keep clean and tidy.

I'd strike a balance. You don't need to present you home in a special way for visitors, but you do need to make sure it meets some basic standards so they are comfortable.
So I would:
Clear clutter that is an obstacle for people moving around your home. So put away piles of stuff that are in walkways or taking up seats.
Make sure anything they are likely to sit on or touch isn't dirty or sticky, so chairs, chair arms, tables, stair hand rails, door handles.
Make sure anything they eat off or drink from is very clean and if you're preparing food, that includes kitchen surfaces.
Your bathrooms do need to be clean, including towels and no slimey soap!
I think you also need to prioritise dealing with the smell. Most people would be really bothered by a smell of urine so clean disinfect and deodorise really well and consider some protection for areas where accidents might occur, puppy training mats are good and you can whip them away before they arrive.

I’d clean for my nuclear family anyway, never mind guests! If DH and PIL want a higher standard - well - DH knows where the cleaning stuff lives 🤣

DS had one accident on our carpet at the start of toilet training, and this worked perfectly. We always have a bottle of this in for any spilt juice or dirty hand accidents and it keeps the carpet in brilliant condition. We specifically bought the pet odour one in the hope it'd be more useful in case of any toileting incidents.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Dr-Beckmann-Stain-Odour-Remover/dp/B08CJ6J3BP/ref=mpssa113moddprimarynew?crid=37QR6Q0DKXJ1Q&keywords=dr+beckmann+pet+stain+and+odour+remover&qid=1666259286&qu=eyJxc2MiOiIyLjAxIiwicXNhIjoiMS4yOCIsInFzcCI6IjEuMjQifQ%3D%3D&rdc=1&sbo=RZvfv%2F%2FHxDF%2BO5021pAnSA%3D%3D&sprefix=dr+beckman%2Caps%2C88&sr=8-3

If you can’t afford a cleaner, can you afford a one off clean?

If you and DH can function in a school classroom and a school office satisfactorily, you should be able to maintain a modicum of cleanliness and tidiness at home.

I would do what I could but also resign myself to the fact it still won't be pristine.

Honestly, my rule has always been that the house has to be clean, but not always tidy. I don't mean like a bomb's hit it, but my house is lived in, not a show home :).

Never mind the fact that your in-laws are coming - you should want to do this for the sake of all who actually live in the house.

Sorry, but I think you should clean and tidy. It’s a good excuse having people over, to spruce things up.

But I think you should raise your living standards for the benefit of your children too. You and your husband should be providing a cleaner, tidier home than it sounds like you are currently providing.