To clean or not to clean for inlaws? Embarrassed about our house.

[ThreeLittleBirds11]

My inlaws live in a different part of the country now and are coming to stay near us for the first time next week. Sounds terrible but I'm just so pleased we don't have enough space for them to actually stay in our house. However, they will still be spending a lot of time with us in our home which is nice but do I make a special effort to clean and present the house better or should they just take us as they find us?

So for context... dh and I both work, we have a 4yo and a baby. Plus, dh, myself and very likely dc1, all have adhd! So we're not exactly the most functional people around the home!

My mil likes things clean, tidy and well presented (in her house) so this makes me feel a bit pressurised. They've seen our house plenty of times before but they've never spent more than an hour tops in it.

We have stuff everywhere, stains on chairs, walls, floors, and grass that hasn't been cut for weeks and weeks. Clean clothes rarely find themselves in wardrobes or cupboards. Instead they gather in piles on the landing waiting to be distributed. The kitchen units are fairly cluttered and the fridge and hob need a good clean.

On the plus side, the bathrooms are always very clean as I'm super fussy about clean toilets. So inlaws should be OK in there! 😂

The other thing is, dc1 has toileting accidents (no. 1s) every so often so I can sometimes smell that in the carpet despite always cleaning it after. That particularly embarrasses me.

Would you spruce up the house for inlaws? Or just let them see it for how it really is?

Our house sounds similar - I’ve interpreted it as more messy rather than totally filthy, except for the wee problem but you’ve had ideas for that. I’m the only one with ADHD in our house and I am
naturally messy person - clutter just doesn’t bother me at all! I do put special effort it when other people are coming and try to compartmentalise the messy areas to make it manageable on regular basis but like everyone is saying I use this as motivation to keep it in a state where people can come round. Like everyone’s said here I want my kids to be able to have friends over.

I do it in short bursts, a whole day off to clean wouldn’t work for me as I wouldn’t do it regularly enough and I think you’re trying to fit this in with a baby around too. Eg once kids are asleep I do washing up and mop if needed.

Certain rooms have less stuff in by design to make them manageable - kids bedroom is just their beds, books, cuddly toys, clothes so it’s easy. There is a huge bucket for clean clothes that need sorting and I do that with my kids. A box for them to put shoes in - we are all still ‘dumping’ things but as they have a contained space to go it helps keep it more manageable and doesn’t require constant thinking about tidying.

so yes I would do extra tidying for having guests to make sure it is clean. I wouldn’t take out my personality though and I don’t do everything on behalf of my older child and husband. If it’s my husbands parents visiting he leads on the tidying up. I’ve found my older child is better at tidying than me so sometimes give him jobs I cannot seem to do eg sort lunchboxes in cupboard.

The only time our house gets a deep clean is when DParents or DMIL are coming to visit 😂

Oh yes and like others have said you have to accept the things you’re never going to do. I am never going to Mrs Hinch my oven so I paid for a professional cleaner to do it, hob I easier to keep on top of. We don’t have carpet either except in one area upstairs so that might be better for you - easier to sweep and mop than clean carpets especially if you are toilet training - I’d get professional help with the carpet considering you’ve already tried!

If I was your in-laws, I would be judging two adults who can't take care of their home for their children. I would probably think you'd tidied up prior a visit and if that was tidying up and god knows how you live in real life.

The shitty tone here is so unnecessary. "If you really can't" - as though you suspect they're just being lazy? Shows a real misunderstanding of ADHD and how it can manifest. And "get a cleaner in once a week" - not everyone can afford that, you realise?

I have ADHD. Our house is frequently a mess. I hate it and it's exhausting and embarassing, but I only have so much capacity to get it sorted and some days I can't even make myself brush my hair, never mind put the clean washing away. OP isn't just pissing about for the fun of it.

Totally understand the downtime when you get home. Concentrating and focusing all day at work is really hard with ADHD, and if you both have it then there's no one to do the planning and organising and a lot of energy is wasted moving stuff around rather than clearing it.

My DH has ADHD and a good career which takes all of his energy but he has me to organise him but he easily slips into chaos when he's over stretched or stressed.

Ignore the criticism but take on board the useful ideas to get on top of it.

Moving forward perhaps you should look at getting some help, medication can work and a one off ruthless declutter would help, but if both of you have ADHD then it's likely to build up again. Perhaps prioritise a cleaner in your budget?

One of my good friends has parents with ADHD and their house was chaos and stunk of dogs and dirty washing. We just thought they were eccentric scruffs when we were young. Her house is the same now, she also has ADHD. Visiting is super uncomfortable for friends and family. I mean there are times I have felt physically sick.

Ordinarily when people visit I'd say they take you as they find you, but massive piles of laundry, stains on things, it all sounds a bit gross. Take the opportunity to sort your lives out!

Yeah this. I wouldn't care about my in-laws but I want my children living in a tidy home (it doesn't have to be perfect but it does sound like your place needs a bit of a clear out). I grew up in a tidy home when we lived with my gran until 12. My mum and I then moved out and my mum allowed the place to get untidy and unclean. I really hated it...

People coming to stay gives me a push to have a "spring clean" I love it. I want my house to be spick and span but I don't always have the motivation.

This. How can anyone want their children living in a house like that. You have no excuse not cleaning your house. It shouldn’t stink of urine.

I would clean up. But I'd also clean up for any guest. And we're one messy family! However, it shows you care imo and if you already feel pressure I imagine you'll feel worse if you do nothing.

Adhd or not you need to clean your house. Why on earth are you allowing your children to live in chaos ? Your adhd and your poor childrens lives will be much calmer if you stop making excuses.

Just seen the pee bit... errrr definitely needs a good clean. You'll all feel better for that. You and dh should go at it though.

I focus on my house being clean even if it’s not always tidy. So making sure the kitchen and bathrooms are wiped down, hoovered etc but I’m less worried if I have piles of stuff in the wrong places.

I see you've awakened team from op.
As a fellow ADHD sufferer I sympathise. I don't know about you, but I'm the generation where ADHD was interpreted as slatternliness and as a result no help was given us. I've started to develop my own strategies that hopefully might be helpful for you. Unfortunately organisation when you are Nd takes a lot more work and ironically organisational systems that if you are not, so it's a lot of initial set up work and you have to be a bit rigid and plan things in.

Declutter is a big one. However, the double edge to that sword is a lot of neuro diverse people seem to need more things. For example, ADHD child may require more toys as concentration is more difficult.
My solution for this is label everything to within an inch of its life and have a toy rotation or something similar. Group toys in boxes and make sure there is a range of skills and interests in each box so kids are getting good practice in all areas. Schedule in a time to rotate this. A child friendly toy storage system is best for what is out, with picture labels so your child can start actively learning how to organise and tidy as well. If you get clear label holders you can rotate labels so they can change with the toys.

Rotate clothes seasonally. Use vaccum packed bags to store anything not in constant use. Use seasonal official changes to rotate but keep a few transition pieces out to help when seasons are unpredictable.

Children's clothes you may reuse need to be sorted and labelled according to age. Then in the loft until needed. If you have finished having children sell once your baby has outgrown something.

Washing. If you know you can't reliably put things away then plan in stations where things can be folded so they look tidier or at least a bit more together. For example, small baskets for putting away, 'floordrobe pieces' and to wash. Split your main washing into colours with two baskets so you can just bung it in without sorting. Colour code baskets and make sure she knows which is which. Another alternative is coat hangers facing onwards for clothes that would normally make the floordrobe.
Send what you can to charity shop. Install extra pegs, holders shelves where you can. Make sure you have a specific use for each peg or surface though.
You will probably need a mess basket for things you are unsure about, eapecially as your DH is getting things in place too.
You've had some good advice regarding the carpet. Long term think about having floorboards or something more practical and wipeable as you are doing the house up anyway.

Hope this helps, people don't realise how difficult and how much work it is just to be organised when your brain is wired differently.
Ignore the condemnation from team from and take only practical advice.
Good luck.

Hi OP. Two resources I think would really help you & your family:

How to Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis. She has ADHD and is a therapist. The book is super duper short but essentially she gives you strategies and kindness to help you through times when you can't clean all day whether that's because you have a baby, work full time, or are neurodiverse (let alone all 3!). She also has a podcast called Struggle Care.

A Slob Comes Clean - Dana K White. She also has a podcast and 2 books - How To Manage Your House Without Losing Your Mind could be really helpful for you. She does not have a ADHD diagnosis but a lot of her strategies are really good for those that do, and she is often asked if she does have ADHD. I do find a lot of what she says about her own functioning reminds me of my DP who has it.

Good luck!

Yes definitely do what you can and get rid of smells on carpet with bicarbonate of sode.Sprinkle leave then vacuum.Put clothes away too.

When you have a little 9ne time to clean can be really hard- I had a load of mess which mainly was husbands… been dumped in the house. Know I’ve got a 10 day old. Had a massive sort out whilst little one at nursery and I feel so much better about the house and uplifted. Yes it’s taken ages but so worth it and I must not let it slip. Things were bad when I worked for a year 3 days a week and I had my son the rest of the time with husband out. I’ve prioritised my son over the house

If you can smell your daughters wee then your not cleaning your carpets properly. I have a dog that still has accidents and probably wees a lot more than your daughter in quantity and I can’t smell it. There’s a lovely carpet spray you can buy makes carpets smell like they are new.

Sounds like you might need some domestic help. I run a cleaning business and see houses like this on a regular basis but the relief people feel when I've worked my magic is just amazing to see. It gives people mental clarity as well as a feeling of peace.

Why down you ring around local cleaning companies and get a quote for someone to come in and give it a one off clean for you, it might even help you going forward. That way you will feel less anxious about your inlaws coming.

Covering the smell with a carpet spray isn't making the carpet clean.

I love that you have to get in there that you suspect you are all ADHD, does that stop your ability to clean up? The mind boggles, sounds like you live like slobs to be honest. We both work ft and have 3 young children, we don't have a cleaner and it's hard finding the time to clean the house top to bottom but you make time. If people are coming over of course you clean up, doesn't matter who. Oh and buy a carpet cleaner, put rugs down and only start potty training at the start of summer (use the garden to play in to reduce house accidents). We have rugs on wooden floor downstairs, they are taken up during potty training. Even if you are busy there are small things you can do to keep a clean house (my kids are 1, 4 and 6). No one enjoys cleaning or sorting laundry, but you have to do it (unless your name is Kate and you have staff).

I'd definitely do the kitchen. Kitchens and bathrooms that aren't clean make me heave. I can live with untidiness. Can you also hoover and wipe down the sides? Everything else, like things left on the sides, or on the floor, is okay but I'd try and do what I can to tidy.

She’s cleaned it! Stop being a drama llama FFS. Sometimes smells can linger even after cleaning and she’s asking for help and has received some ideas

@ThreeLittleBirds11 ignore the awful rude comments and focus on the ones trying to help. You BOTH need to give it a basic clean. Nothing worse than visiting dirty houses, it sounds like it needs it anyway.To clean you have to move the clutter too. It doesn’t need show home status you have two small children: just cleaner.

I’d then focus on this being a longer term project to get the house more liveable for your family. Read up on organised methods, get yourself a routine if you can. Clothes get put away every weekend at least. One evening you and husband go round moving clutter. Maybe storage boxes may help. You manage to clean the bathrooms so apply how you focus on that to the kitchen. Kitchen and bathrooms should always be reasonably clean places.

Wow some of the posters on this thread are really lacking in empathy. OP, having a baby and a young un and a full-on job as a teacher is tough enough even without throwing the ADHD into the mix. Your house doesn't sound that bad at all given the circumstances. FWIW, I grew up in a messy house that was rarely cleaned (busy working parents) and it was absolutely fine. What kids need is love and attention.

Just a suggestion, depending on your PILs personalities: could you ask them to help you do a bit of sorting out while they are there? E.g. could your DH and FIL take the kids off and you and MIL sort out the baby's/laundry room. Clearly I don't know your MIL, but lots of people do like to be asked to help/feel useful, and I can imagine that you might both get a great sense of satisfaction from sorting out all the too-small clothes and making that room accessible for your DD.