To clean or not to clean for inlaws? Embarrassed about our house.

[ThreeLittleBirds11]

My inlaws live in a different part of the country now and are coming to stay near us for the first time next week. Sounds terrible but I'm just so pleased we don't have enough space for them to actually stay in our house. However, they will still be spending a lot of time with us in our home which is nice but do I make a special effort to clean and present the house better or should they just take us as they find us?

So for context... dh and I both work, we have a 4yo and a baby. Plus, dh, myself and very likely dc1, all have adhd! So we're not exactly the most functional people around the home!

My mil likes things clean, tidy and well presented (in her house) so this makes me feel a bit pressurised. They've seen our house plenty of times before but they've never spent more than an hour tops in it.

We have stuff everywhere, stains on chairs, walls, floors, and grass that hasn't been cut for weeks and weeks. Clean clothes rarely find themselves in wardrobes or cupboards. Instead they gather in piles on the landing waiting to be distributed. The kitchen units are fairly cluttered and the fridge and hob need a good clean.

On the plus side, the bathrooms are always very clean as I'm super fussy about clean toilets. So inlaws should be OK in there! 😂

The other thing is, dc1 has toileting accidents (no. 1s) every so often so I can sometimes smell that in the carpet despite always cleaning it after. That particularly embarrasses me.

Would you spruce up the house for inlaws? Or just let them see it for how it really is?

The Organised Mum Method - great for giving you structure if you don’t know where to start!

Any chance your in laws can help out? Get them involved in a big decluttering project, or can they look after DC so you can crack on with it?

and (deep breath) I am an ex teacher, so not teacher bashing.
During term time my house got messy. But the joy of being a teacher is that you get the holidays. So you have just had 5/6 weeks over the summer. Even with small children, that was time when you could have got cleaned up, and then you house, now should only be 6 weeks dirty, as we are 6 weeks into term.
Half term, gives you a chance to clean.
I have a lot of sympathy for ND conditions, plenty in our family, but that means finding a method that works for you, not leaving it undone.
Timers are great. One job 5 minutes on the timer, run round repeating to yourself, clothes in bags, clothes in bags for 5 minutes while you scoop up all the clothes and get them in bin bags ready for charity shop.

I am a little intrigued as to how you are going to decorate and do a doer-upper house, if you are too busy to get the basics clean?

Why oh WHY should other adults, who I presume don't live in squalor, help other adults clean their own living space? (Unless being employed and paid fairly to do so).

Jesus wept this society is fucked beyond belief.

If your PILs are coming over half term, how about asking if they would like to take their grankids for the morning/day while you make an inroad into one thing that you need to do, eg clear clothes out of that bedroom so dd can have her room?

Yes it’s so awful that someone could ask a favour from their parents/ in laws when they’re struggling.

Simple solution is an enzyme cleaner marketed for pet accidents but I have used it successfully on a rug( available from Pets at home/.Amazon
You need to at least have clear and clean floors
I'm disabled so slightly different cause of disorganisation but I use time waiting for kettle to boil and do a wipe down of kitchen counters and sink
Any left over hot water I use with a cloth to wipe over quick spots on my floor
Everytime I use the toilet I will give a wipe round or spray bath then wipe later
In the evening I vacuum with my cordless Dyson
Put clothes away when I go to bed
Basically I do things in 5 minute bursts
Just start in one area for 5 minutes
I appreciate it's hard with a newborn
Would the 4 year old" help" with a cloth on the coffee table for example

There's really no excuse for you to not keep the house clean. Your son's disruption to the house needs to be kept on top of- if he can take off a cupboard handle he can put it back on. Possible ADHD does not have to stop you from keeping your house clean. Mess is fine, toys out on the floor, books on the table etc but it needs to be clean underneath the mess.

Wouldn’t it be easier for your son if the house was decluttered, with less impressions for him?

@Shinyhappyperson22

If a smell lingers after cleaning, then what has been done is wetting or wiping, or actually more likely rubbing pee in deeper, and masking it briefly with the smell of some ineffective spray, not cleaning.

Cleaning involves getting rid of both visible dirt or pee and also eliminating the source of the smell which has soaked into the carpet.

A steam cleaning company will clean and sanitise pee soaked and stained carpet.

Long term, I would second the advice to get rid of the carpet altogether and put down laminate.

Also, work on the accidents with DS.

It's to do with Executive Function. I'm not hugely clear on it myself but it was discussed on ep 1 of the Struggle Care podcast I mentioned previously. It might be worth a listen as it explains well why it's so hard for those with ADHD.

I could honestly cry at some of these comments. Someone said, we're living in squalor - it's really not that bad! I'm embarrassed but I think it's because my mil has got such high standards.

But after reading these comments, I feel like a failure as a parent for not being able to keep on top of it all as I should be.

So the things we do daily are...

Do the dishwasher, put the washing machine on, hoover around where the children have eaten (big hoover every week), clean the toilets/sinks and make sure the kitchen units have been cleaned. The rest does get left or done occasionally.

As I said, I've tried to clean the carpet but the smell is still there and we can't afford hard floors atm.

Honestly op, the grim vultures were going to start circling as soon as you admitted not to hoovering your hoover.

Just remember with mil, very likely she was a homemaker and didn't have a full time job. Keeping a house running and holding a job down are difficult enough as it is, nevermind simultaneously and that's without any neuro divergence.
Ignore the pointless judgement and take the practical cleaning strategies and ADHD management advice.
If I listed my house faults I'm sure it would horrify the grim housekeepers. I know my mil doesn't approve but as she had the luxury of being a sah wife and having no children I mostly ignore it.

@ThreeLittleBirds11 lots of people don't. understand how ADHD manifests in adults and particularly women. You're fine. Do what you can when you can. If you can't, don't worry.

I'm like you - kitchen and bathroom always clean, bed always made... the rest of it... hit and miss at best

Buy a big bicarb for the carpet and use as often as you can

Being neurodiverse is absolutely no excuse for being lazy and living with children in a shit hole

Are you always this nice, @Glitterspy?

I think some people urgently need to educate themselves in relation to ADHD. The poster does not need judgement. Whilst ADHD differs on an individual basis it can be absolutely exhausting for individuals with it to deal with every day life tasks. Admin, cleaning, remembering to do things.

Do what you can. Ignore the negative comments. Being a mother, wife and working is a lot for anyone.

OP, please do not feel bad. Mumsnet is famous for blowing things out od proportion.
I'm sure you're lovely mum and try hard to do best for your kids. We all have things we're crap at.
I hope you'll manage and together with your husband sort your house.
Good luck.

@ThreeLittleBirds11

(Love your username btw)

Can you afford to get your carpets professionally steam cleaned?

I recommend you look into it. It will make a difference.

Afterwards you can use enzyme spray, and maybe get help working with DS' accidents.

I watched a video of someone with Adhd recently and why their house gets jn a state. I was really enlightened and I completely understand op. You seem to be doing the best as you can. Maybe try a carpet cleaning service. It's not expensive to hire the vacuum too.

Ignore the unkind and brutal comments, @ThreeLittleBirds11 !!! 💐

For the carpets, bicarbonate of soda may help with the smell, but you could also try one of those sprays for cleaning up pet accidents.

Ok so ignoring judgements (my house is always in some State, and it doesn't help when you've got a house that needs updating because even when it's clean, it doesn't look great. I've only just managed to decorate a few rooms now; new carpet makes all the difference!)

Clean the kitchen surfaces: sink, counters, absolutely the floors

Clean the bathrooms

Make sure there are surfaces to sit on clear (if you are at that level of clutter, do not make them have to clear off places to sit)

Clean off the kitchen/dining table and wipe it down

Basically just mentally walk through where they will be when they visit and start in those places.

As others have said, getting into this habit is for your children as much as anyone else. They will soon want to have their friends over, and it is embarrassing to be the house no one wants to stay in.

I don’t think you should clan for your in-laws I think you should clean for yourself.

I definitely don't live in squalor but I know what OP means. Our house is clean but not tidy and it takes a lot of effort to get it visitor ready.

Nobody’s saying you need to hoover your hoover. They’re saying children’s clothes being kept in a pile on a pee stained carpet isn’t good enough. I think op obviously knows that and so is looking to change.

The reality of it is that if it isn’t good enough for visitors to sit and have a cuppa in, why is it good enough for you and your kids to live in full time?

Whatever, thought you neurotypicals were supposed to get hyperbole? A little empathy and sharing of strategies is what will help the op, not endless bollocks about a difficult to remove stain being grim.