To clean or not to clean for inlaws? Embarrassed about our house.

[ThreeLittleBirds11]

My inlaws live in a different part of the country now and are coming to stay near us for the first time next week. Sounds terrible but I'm just so pleased we don't have enough space for them to actually stay in our house. However, they will still be spending a lot of time with us in our home which is nice but do I make a special effort to clean and present the house better or should they just take us as they find us?

So for context... dh and I both work, we have a 4yo and a baby. Plus, dh, myself and very likely dc1, all have adhd! So we're not exactly the most functional people around the home!

My mil likes things clean, tidy and well presented (in her house) so this makes me feel a bit pressurised. They've seen our house plenty of times before but they've never spent more than an hour tops in it.

We have stuff everywhere, stains on chairs, walls, floors, and grass that hasn't been cut for weeks and weeks. Clean clothes rarely find themselves in wardrobes or cupboards. Instead they gather in piles on the landing waiting to be distributed. The kitchen units are fairly cluttered and the fridge and hob need a good clean.

On the plus side, the bathrooms are always very clean as I'm super fussy about clean toilets. So inlaws should be OK in there! 😂

The other thing is, dc1 has toileting accidents (no. 1s) every so often so I can sometimes smell that in the carpet despite always cleaning it after. That particularly embarrasses me.

Would you spruce up the house for inlaws? Or just let them see it for how it really is?

Untidy is ok but dirty should be cleaned. Anything with stains, smells and animal or human body fluids needs to be deep cleaned. This should be done whether or not you have visitors.

I'd feel very uncomfortable visiting your house.

Does it feel good to live in it like that? It sounds like you need help to tackle it all and then a plan to keep on top of it.

I’d pay for a cleaning team to come in and blitz. And then try to stay on top of it. This doesn’t sound like any way to live. I don’t say that critically OP - I think it sounds like you’re struggling and could do with some support. Sending hugs.

Of course you should get it properly cleaned, regardless of whether guests are coming to visit. Why on Earth would you accept living with carpets that smell faintly of urine FGS? A dirty fridge can be a real health hazard, too. Grim.

I grew up in a house similar to yours, and was so embarrassed once I started going on play dates with friends and realised everyone else’s houses didn’t look like mine.
While there wasn’t technically any filth like your piss carpets, it was a big mess and my parents refused to clean up the piles of old clothes, “treasures”, outgrown toys, or deep clean the oven, or steam clean the carpets. My room turned into the ironing pile. It badly affected my self esteem and ability to maintain friendships.

My parents are still hoarding and piling up clothing that “they will get around to tidying up”. I rarely visit them there and both my sister and I won’t let our children stay over.

Clean up, if not for your in laws, but for your kids. Surely as a teacher, you have lots of time during half term etc? Give them their own rooms free from your mess to start with.

They are coming to see you, not your house.

Personally I would try to have a good declutter and clean the worst bits.
ADHD and household management is a challenge. Ours gets out of control from time to time all the time. Having guests usually means the house gets a reasonable tidy. I like/need tidyness and order but I can’t maintain it due to my mobility issues. Dh and adult ds have adhd too but theirs is different to mine. I prefer order and quiet to manage things. They seem to prefer noise and chaos.
Our family know things are a bit chaotic in our house and just seem to accept it. My mum gets a bit twitchy and want to tidy everything but she’s not physically able to anymore so she just has to accept it and sit and have a lunch/coffee and chat.

I wouldn’t clean for the in-laws but I’d clean for your kids for sure. There was a thread on here a while ago (not sure how to link) where a lot of us who grew up in chaotic/dirty homes commented about the impact it had on us. You have ADHD so you might need help, but if you start a thread lots of people will give you tips and ideas. It’s no good to live in mess and dirt. It’s miserable. No child wants to be choosing what to wear from a pile of clothes on the urine-stained carpet before heading downstairs for a yogurt from the grimy fridge to be eaten with a dirty spoon at the stained and sticky kitchen table. It’s not fair.

Give the woman a break... she says she's tried to clean it but it still smells.

Thats normal for urine, it is actually impossible to get it out of carpets that are laid, where you can only get to one side. It's almost impossible to get it out of rugs you can lift.

That is the nature of urine, it wants a professional carpet cleaner on it as well as the enzymatic treatments, and then it wants drying to absolutely bone dry, with an odour killing product on it.

And even then, any remaining urine crystals will attract moisture from the air, as they are humectants, it's their thing... and will start to pong once not 100% dry.

The real solution to urine in carpets is... get rid of the carpet, but there's much money to be made in flogging products to people who can't afford/don't want to replace their carpets.

I'd clean it because it sounds, from your description, pretty grim. I couldn't have visitors to my home if it was like that and I wouldn't want my children to be living in it either. Clean because it needs it not just because your in laws are visiting.

Have a go at making a bicarbonate paste for your carpet op. Quick google will show you how.

Yes you should clean and tidy. Houses don't need to be immaculate but to leave your house in a very dirty state is both disrespectful to your inlaws and unhealthy for you and your children. If you are really struggling with it, you might want to consider getting in cleaners for a one-off deep clean.

I'm not the tidiest person but your home sounds unsanitary.

If you have boxes in the garage that haven't been unpacked for a year, chances are you don't need any of it.

Living in a cluttered mess isn't going to help either of your children, especially with ADHD.

I take it you both have 1 or 2 days a week off. I would spend it decluttering and thoroughly cleaning everything until it is in order. Both of you. Would your MIL be willing to help you declutter?

Get a commercial rent carpet cleaner and use pet odor cleaner in it to get rid of the urine smells. You can usually buy one for the cost of a decent vacuum. Maybe a gift from MIL for Christmas?

Find out how much it would cost to get a cleaner in once a fortnight and cut back on something so you can do it. Takeaways, drinks, something.

Do it for yourself and your family.

This 100% even if you get the living areas, so the kitchen and living rooms.

You'll be feeling better for it!

I also have ADHD and I agree with PP who said that they use having guests as a motivation to clean and tidy. I totally do this, though it's not enough, so I now also pay for an occasional clean (which will motivate me to tidy) and somebody to come and help me sort and file things and declutter, which really really helps. Hope you all enjoy the visit!

Yep and it’s was my opinion that your response was not helpful and over egged. Works both ways.

No matter what you do, I think there will always be doubt in your mind that things will never be up to MIL's standards.

Bring them out to lunch and linger. Tell them you are having works done and the place is upside down (it is!).

Get organised at your own pace using a lot of the tips given here. Good for the soul in the long run. And I am no perfectionist I can tell you!

Your DH should be cleaning the house (perhaps with your support) for his family visiting. There is no way you should take the lead on this.

I'd definitely spruce but I'd do it for myself, as to me if you need to tidy up because someone is coming the it isn't clean enough.
If you find it hard to juggle everything maybe do yourself a rota and so both you and your husband has job each day.
I'm not saying don't like your kids make a mess, but it's nice for them to be brought up in a clean home.
Maybe get a cleaner if you can afford it and get someone in the decorate, so you will find it easier to keep on top of. X

Also a clean tidy home is good for a lot of peoples mental health, to much mess stresses me. X

Sorry to derail@hausmaus but that was a beautiful post, you write so well. I'm currently wondering whether I'm on the ADHD spectrum (late 30s, was always a 'daydreamer/scatterbrain/forgetful' child) and things have got drastically worse since having my DD 4 years ago.

I don't think it's severe enough to go for a diagnosis as I do just about manage to function but I'm so exhausted all the time. I'm trying to be a bit kinder to myself about constantly losing things/forgetting things, and am reading up on emotional regulation and over/understimulation to try and get some coping strategies in place. DH rolls his eyes and thinks I've self-diagnosed myself from TikTok but I recognise SO much of myself in what you've written.

Yes OP you need to clean up for you children, and then for your guests. Your house sounds like a bomb site, children get affected by this. Sort it out.

Being neurodiverse is absolutely no excuse for being lazy and living with children in a shit hole.

Your house sounds awful, sorry. I don't understand at all. Surely you would want a clean and tidy house for any visitors?
Unless it's close family who pop in weekly I would do a thorough clean. For example last weekend DS was bringing his GF to stay for the weekend. The house got a proper clean, beds changed, bathrooms scrubbed, clean towels, kitchen spotless.

I'd get your mother in to help you with lots of bin bags, a big boot or do what my friend does she orders a skip the family fill it. You're teachers you should have decluttering over the summer. So ask mum to help out. My friend in the end no-one would let their kids have play dates there. Her mother had to step in

Some of the descriptions of a typical person with ADHD describe DH to a T. However, we both clean the house and split it, so he will vacuum upstairs and I will do the stairs and downstairs for example.

Some of the things he does - never closes a drawer when he opens it, never closes a cupboard door, never puts the front door key back in the lock, never puts things back where they belong, never puts the cover back over the plughole in the shower - then the shower starts to smell.

He spends hours looking for things because he never puts them back in the same place. He says that he seems to lose focus and concentration even for regular tasks, yet he has a first class degree, a masters and PhD and is highly respected in his field. He always leaves everything to the last minute then gets in a flap.

As someone who has a very rational, organised and logical outlook on life it drives me round the bend