Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that kids birthday parties are more about the parents than the children?

121 replies

Cottonbud25 · 19/10/2022 10:54

My daughter is almost 5 and has just started attending birthday parties. We’ve been to 2 so far and have another one coming up next month. Each time we have been to one I feel like I have gone above and beyond for a child I barely even know and i can’t help but think that these parties are designed more so the children have more gifts and the parents can show off.

My reason for thinking that is because obviously it’s not the done thing to turn up to a birthday party without a gift. I am a crafter so I like to make a lot of things myself. The first party we went to was for a little girl so I made her 4 hair bows, each presented on card which I had designed, printed and cut. I made her birthday card too without so much as a thank you from the parents. It was literally “the pile for presents is over there” and that was it.

The second party we went to was a joint birthday party for a boy and a girl. Kind of last minute I had to organise a gift as I’d got my dates mixed up. I bought the boys present (thank you Amazon for your next day delivery), made separate cards for the pair of them, went to smyths for the girls present, but also bought her a necklace which wasn’t well presented so I designed a piece of card to present it on and put it in a little bag. Again, not one word from the parents afterwards. No “thank you for the lovely gift” or “thank you for the cards” … nothing.

When my children are given something, I always make sure I drop a message to that person to say thank you. It doesn’t matter what it is, it’s good manners. Now we have a 3rd party coming up and I’m seriously debating on whether or not I should even make an effort like I have done with the past 2. It isn’t fair on the girl I know, as her parents may be very different. But I’ve gone out of my way twice now and I just don’t see the point.

Other people may not agree, and that’s fine. I’m actually just looking to see whether or not anybody else has had a similar experience? And whether I should bother making the effort again or just presume that these parties are for one reason and one reason only.

OP posts:
Fatkittylittleballoffur · 19/10/2022 11:00

A thank you there should suffice.
Thank you notes were a bizarre concept. Those that did them the children were always coerced into doing them. Fine for a bit of handwriting practice, not as an expectation.
Most people would send a text if they can't thank in person but as it's a children's party they may not have a number. They're extremely unlikely to have your address for an old fashioned thank you note.
You obviously like that kind of thing, seeing as you do home made notes and cards, but you can't expect everyone else to invest in the concept. People like different things and as long as thanks are expressed by the child or parent verbally, that is enough.

And parties for five year olds are literally the most important thing in the world for them. Has always been this. Yes, some parents will make it more of a show off event but most are doing it to give their child a memorable experience.

TeenDivided · 19/10/2022 11:01

The parties are for the kids. The reciprocation is the present.
No one (or hardly any one) will really care at 5 whether you have hand made or beautifully presented the present or the card. if you get joy from doing it then fine, but it won't be extra appreciated.

They might when whole class parties slim to a few friends, but not now.

Always make sure the card is attached to the gift or the wrapping paper says who it is from. Most people don't seem to do thanking afterwards to everyone, again more likely when parties get smaller.

Xmassprout · 19/10/2022 11:03

My 5 year olds birthday isn't until the middle of next year, but she is already trying to decide the theme of her party that I haven't agreed to, and started inviting people to a party I haven't agreed to.

My youngest is 3 soon and is talking non stop about a party. Quite frankly it's my idea of hell, I would much rather go for a nice day out

Original poster
Cottonbud25 · 19/10/2022 11:03

Sorry that’s my bad for not explaining properly. I meant a text message, and the two parties we’ve been to the person has had my number because of the RSVP 😅

OP posts:
FlorettaB · 19/10/2022 11:04

’But I’ve gone out of my way twice now and I just don’t see the point.’

You say that the parties are more about the parents than the children and then you make it all about you! It’s for the children. Buy a gift, toss it onto the pile and enjoy your child having fun.

Original poster
Cottonbud25 · 19/10/2022 11:05

Tbh, both parties I’ve been to have been my idea of hell. I go out of politeness as my daughter has been invited, but I’d rather be at home 😅

OP posts:
DarkAndDusty · 19/10/2022 11:05

Those parents were rude if they didn't thank you - or remind their children to thank you - for what sound like very thoughtful gifts and I'd be miffed in your shoes too. But I don't see how that caused you to conclude that birthday parties are "all about" the parents - I don't really see the connection there.

Original poster
Cottonbud25 · 19/10/2022 11:06

I was highlighting that I made the gift but it’s not about me. If anything, it’s about the child as the gift is for the child. You’re clearly getting my words mixed up but I appreciate your comment 👍🏻

OP posts:
Original poster
Cottonbud25 · 19/10/2022 11:09

I found the parents can be abit showy. As in, look at me and look at what I’ve done, rather than it being about the kids. I may be wrong, we’ve only been to 2 😅 but that’s just the way it’s perceived.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 19/10/2022 11:09

Surely you’re the one making it about the adults by specially making a crafty item that you want parental recognition for effort and thought for? Five-year-olds don’t care whether you made your own necklace with hand-harvested pearls from your garden pond or bought tat from Claire’s. Just do the latter. That way, yes, parents are rude for not saying thank-you for a gift, but you aren’t going to be as indignant as if you’d actually invested your time and card.

DreamingofItaly2023 · 19/10/2022 11:09

I always have to do a generic thank you message as cards and presents always end up separated from each other so half the presents I have no idea who gave them.

Fatkittylittleballoffur · 19/10/2022 11:11

Did anyone say thank you in person though? Child or parent. That should be enough.

anotherscroller · 19/10/2022 11:11

Cannot believe the vote! OP is not unreasonable.
present tables are awful, it’s not a wedding.

Original poster
Cottonbud25 · 19/10/2022 11:11

It’s not about the recognition of it being handmade, I was simply highlighting it. Just a thank you would have been nice. If I was bothered about recognition for it being handmade I would have mentioned it.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 19/10/2022 11:11

I’ve got 2 teens so have been to and organised plenty over the years and it’s not been my experience at all.

Original poster
Cottonbud25 · 19/10/2022 11:12

Neither..

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 19/10/2022 11:12

I agree with the poster who said it's actually you making it all about you.

IMO the child should thank your child.
Your child should also thank the other child for inviting them at the end of the party.

MissMaple82 · 19/10/2022 11:12

What a ridiculous statement! Of course it's for the children, just you wait until your kid is asking for its own party and then you'll experience the almighty stress and finacial burden one costs!!!

Original poster
Cottonbud25 · 19/10/2022 11:13

Exactly. I found the whole thing nothing but a show tbh..

OP posts:
Relocatiorelocation · 19/10/2022 11:14

Honestly just put less effort in.....you're never going to get the level of thanks you want.

A whole class party is too busy to note who has given what, labels come off, kids rip open pressies without looking etc. Just put a tenner in a card or give an east gift, it'll save you a lot of angst down the road.

MissMaple82 · 19/10/2022 11:14

Cottonbud25 · 19/10/2022 11:05

Tbh, both parties I’ve been to have been my idea of hell. I go out of politeness as my daughter has been invited, but I’d rather be at home 😅

Yes because it's not about you or being 'polite', it's about the children and their friendships and experiences!

Fatkittylittleballoffur · 19/10/2022 11:14

From a practical point of view for five and under I can see the advantages of a present table.

Other children meltdowning because they want a present, child receiving making unfiltered remarks 'I hate dinosaurs, I wanted unicorns etc'. Depending on how many children attend endless present opening can be tedious and encourage restless behaviour and tantrums.

Original poster
Cottonbud25 · 19/10/2022 11:15

My children are brought up with manners and do say thank you at the end.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cottonbud25 · 19/10/2022 11:15

I think I will do that next time ❤️

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 19/10/2022 11:16

I think you’re overthinking it. You have a small child. You have many years ahead of you of having to interact with other adults who have nothing in common with you except for also having a similarly aged child. Many of these will not be people who you would ordinarily align yourself with or choose to have anything to do with. Some of them will be rude. Some of them will not appreciate your homemade crafts. The path of least resistance is to keep up with the bare minimum of social graces for sake of your kid’s social life unless you know both kid and parent well, forget about wanting recognition for it, and concentrate on the stuff which matters. Life will be less stressful and you’ll post fewer annoyed threads on MN.