AIBU to think that kids birthday parties are more about the parents than the children?

[Cottonbud25]

My daughter is almost 5 and has just started attending birthday parties. We’ve been to 2 so far and have another one coming up next month. Each time we have been to one I feel like I have gone above and beyond for a child I barely even know and i can’t help but think that these parties are designed more so the children have more gifts and the parents can show off.

My reason for thinking that is because obviously it’s not the done thing to turn up to a birthday party without a gift. I am a crafter so I like to make a lot of things myself. The first party we went to was for a little girl so I made her 4 hair bows, each presented on card which I had designed, printed and cut. I made her birthday card too without so much as a thank you from the parents. It was literally “the pile for presents is over there” and that was it.

The second party we went to was a joint birthday party for a boy and a girl. Kind of last minute I had to organise a gift as I’d got my dates mixed up. I bought the boys present (thank you Amazon for your next day delivery), made separate cards for the pair of them, went to smyths for the girls present, but also bought her a necklace which wasn’t well presented so I designed a piece of card to present it on and put it in a little bag. Again, not one word from the parents afterwards. No “thank you for the lovely gift” or “thank you for the cards” … nothing.

When my children are given something, I always make sure I drop a message to that person to say thank you. It doesn’t matter what it is, it’s good manners. Now we have a 3rd party coming up and I’m seriously debating on whether or not I should even make an effort like I have done with the past 2. It isn’t fair on the girl I know, as her parents may be very different. But I’ve gone out of my way twice now and I just don’t see the point.

Other people may not agree, and that’s fine. I’m actually just looking to see whether or not anybody else has had a similar experience? And whether I should bother making the effort again or just presume that these parties are for one reason and one reason only.

I don’t recognise the concept of 5yr olds parties being for parents at all. Mine are now 10 & 13 so thankfully, we’re coming out the other side, but I can’t think of a single adult I know who relishes the thought of either hosting or attending, small children’s parties.

As a host, it’s expensive and stressful, booking a venue, organising invites, chasing up RSVP’s, organising food, sorting party bags etc etc. As an attendee, it’s organising a card and present, shuffling other DC’s commitments about and taking a Saturday or Sunday afternoon out of your weekend to watch a bunch of hyper 5yr olds run about shouting & screaming, often whilst making polite small talk with people you barely know.

Adults do it, to give the children pleasure, it’s 100% about the children. With presents, the norm round here is child arrives, hands over present, birthday boy/girl thanks politely and sincerely, and hands over to parent for safekeeping and opening later. Guests thank birthday boy/girl and parents as they leave with their party bag. Exhausted host parents, (after tidying up and getting over excited DC home), posts a generic thank you for coming and a few happy photos on the WhatsApp group. It’s a lot to write private thank yous to 20-30 people. Given we all do the same thing, nobody takes offence.

What's with the past tense?

Don’t forget to send a ‘thank you for the invitation to your party’ card (hand crafted of course) to the birthday girl and her family OP. 😂

I'm from the future.
I'm a ghost.
You're pedantic.

Take your pick.

@PinkSyCo indeed - and ‘thank you for the party bag’.

Agree with everything you said!

Especially hall ones... you have to prepare food, cart everything to the venue, liaise with entertainer/bouncy castle people or set up games and toys if you're doing it yourself, organise cake, organise plates, cups, napkins, drinks, lay out food and set the party tables, blow up balloons and put up decorations and more. All in around half an hour before the party begins while trying to watch your own child. Then the party itself is 2+ hours of greeting people, making hot drinks for parents, offering food, clearing up spills, ensuring everyone behaves on the bouncy castle, supervising the birthday tea, breaking up balloon fights, serving the cake with some attempt at a relaxed smile, doing the pass-the-parcel, handing out party bags and thanking everyone for coming. Then you have 30 minutes to take down the decorations, clean up the carnage, wipe all the tables down, cart everything to the car and hoover before handing back the hall keys. And if all the presents aren't put on a present table out of reach of little hands, the kids will fall on them like feral hyenas and they won't make it to the birthday child's home in one piece. And the parents will never know who gave what were you at my childs birthday :)

What @edwinbear says - adults do it to give children pleasure. OPs post is mostly about her wonderful efforts not being appreciated, rather than hoping the children had fun.

@bloodyplanes Is this a present given for a grandchild? Does your son call or text to say thank you, or is it only the daughter-in-law’s responsibility?

I've been to a few like this and hosted one so far 😂.

The only reason I can think of for people complaining about not feeling 'acknowledged' enough by the birthday child's parents is that they literally have no idea how much work it is to host and feed 20-30 children, siblings and accompanying parents. Yes, you may have brought my child a lovely homemade gift and card and thank you very much, but I'm more concerned about the children presently trying to throw themselves over the sides of the bouncy castle or beating the younger ones with inflatable swords, sorry! Or the unaccompanied toddler making a beeline for the car park just as it's time to take the pizza and chips out of the oven.

@bluegreygreen no it's gifts to my Dil herself. My Ds does thank me for grandchilds gifts.

From your op the only parent who seemed to be doing anything that might have been described as showing off was you. It's nice you want to an effort but 5 year olds don't care and quite likely the parents didn't even see the full presentation before the children ripped it apart.

I wasn’t thanked at all.. that’s the difference. But thanks for your comment 👍🏻

if I was showing off I’d of told the parent I made it myself. I could have bought a handmade gift for all they know. My problem is basic manners.

This is the thing though, I’m not expecting thanks on the day. Believe me I do understand how difficult it is to keep 10+ 4/5 year olds under control. My problem is that once the dust has settled and the presents have been opened, there isn’t so much as a message to say thanks. I taught my children manners. If they’re given something they say thank you, if they’re invited to a party they thank the host and they thank the child for inviting them, so a little thank you for the gift would have been appreciated. Nothing to do with the fact I made it or whatever else everybody wants to throw. It’s simple, basic, manners.

My children said thank you to the host and thank you to the child.

I'm with you about the thank yous - whether it be in person, a text, a card - anything - it can literally just be a line! I don't get what the big deal is? Anything is better than nothing, but preferably individual ones - group ones are a bit lazy imo. Especially ones done for show on social media - it's just another veiled way of bringing attention back on yourself. An individual one means more.

Thank you! This is what I’m trying to say. A lot of people seem to be focusing on the fact I made the gifts and completely missing the fact that it’s about basic manners. I genuinely don’t care if the parents knew I made it or didn’t know, that isn’t my problem. My problem is manners.

Very strange title and an extraordinarily long winded post just to let us know that you’re pissed off about not getting a proper thank you.

How do you know that the child hasn't said thank you to the children at school? Yes, it's nice to gat a thanks but I'm not going to lose sleep over it or be upset or angry at the parents for not thanking me. I know they will be grateful for the attendance and gifts without having to tell me directly.

If this was really the point of your thread, your original post would have been more like:
AIBU to expect a thank you from parents for a child's gift.
My dd has been two 2 parties so far and on neither occasion have I received a thank you for the present she gave. AIBU?

You have made one very fair point which is people should say thankyou for a gift - whether that's I person/WhatsApp etc doesn't matter.

however your thread title and other points are not even related to this - parents doing it for themselves, being showy, wanting presents etc... what? I think you are actually just trying to be obtuse here. Generally speaking, the cost of the party far outweighs the value of the gifts anyway so if people just wanted presents they could skip the party and buy stuff for their kids themselves.

in my experience the main reason for having whole class parties is because that's what the child wants. other reasons include:

• trying to help a quieter child to build friendships
• trying to ensure that nobody is left out of getting any party invites (especially reception and Yr 1 ages groups)
• reciprocating where your child has been invited to others parties