Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that kids birthday parties are more about the parents than the children?

121 replies

Cottonbud25 · 19/10/2022 10:54

My daughter is almost 5 and has just started attending birthday parties. We’ve been to 2 so far and have another one coming up next month. Each time we have been to one I feel like I have gone above and beyond for a child I barely even know and i can’t help but think that these parties are designed more so the children have more gifts and the parents can show off.

My reason for thinking that is because obviously it’s not the done thing to turn up to a birthday party without a gift. I am a crafter so I like to make a lot of things myself. The first party we went to was for a little girl so I made her 4 hair bows, each presented on card which I had designed, printed and cut. I made her birthday card too without so much as a thank you from the parents. It was literally “the pile for presents is over there” and that was it.

The second party we went to was a joint birthday party for a boy and a girl. Kind of last minute I had to organise a gift as I’d got my dates mixed up. I bought the boys present (thank you Amazon for your next day delivery), made separate cards for the pair of them, went to smyths for the girls present, but also bought her a necklace which wasn’t well presented so I designed a piece of card to present it on and put it in a little bag. Again, not one word from the parents afterwards. No “thank you for the lovely gift” or “thank you for the cards” … nothing.

When my children are given something, I always make sure I drop a message to that person to say thank you. It doesn’t matter what it is, it’s good manners. Now we have a 3rd party coming up and I’m seriously debating on whether or not I should even make an effort like I have done with the past 2. It isn’t fair on the girl I know, as her parents may be very different. But I’ve gone out of my way twice now and I just don’t see the point.

Other people may not agree, and that’s fine. I’m actually just looking to see whether or not anybody else has had a similar experience? And whether I should bother making the effort again or just presume that these parties are for one reason and one reason only.

OP posts:
Hugasauras · 19/10/2022 11:16

But it's just practical to have somewhere to put gifts? Confused Not sure it's anything to do with being showy, plus everything is wrapped or in bags so how can anyone show off?

Of course people should say thank you, but my DD enjoys parties a lot so I don't really care if it's a 'thanks for coming' at the end or a personalised message after really. She had a good time with her friends, that's the 'pay-off'.

Original poster
Cottonbud25 · 19/10/2022 11:16

That is the exact reason why I won’t be doing them. A day out with a few friends would be a lot more appreciated than a party with people my kid hardly knows…

OP posts:
TheLeadbetterLife · 19/10/2022 11:17

Cottonbud25 · 19/10/2022 11:09

I found the parents can be abit showy. As in, look at me and look at what I’ve done, rather than it being about the kids. I may be wrong, we’ve only been to 2 😅 but that’s just the way it’s perceived.

"Look at me and look at what I've done" is literally how you've described yourself in your OP.

If it's not about the (sadly, pointless) effort you went to, why mention all the handmade stuff in your OP?

As pp said, the kids don't care. You seem to be the one being showy.

PinkHeadphones · 19/10/2022 11:17

anotherscroller · 19/10/2022 11:11

Cannot believe the vote! OP is not unreasonable.
present tables are awful, it’s not a wedding.

The alternative at a large party however is kid ripping paper off each present as it was given, losing presents, creating mess, and nobody knows who gave what.
I do agree that a thankyou is required and polite, but there have been times I haven't been able to do it in time, and have felt bad.

Ihatethenewlook · 19/10/2022 11:17

Cottonbud25 · 19/10/2022 11:09

I found the parents can be abit showy. As in, look at me and look at what I’ve done, rather than it being about the kids. I may be wrong, we’ve only been to 2 😅 but that’s just the way it’s perceived.

That’s literally what you’re doing though? You’ve made an extra effort presenting the presents nicely for small children who don’t really give a shite, and you’re annoyed it hasn’t been acknowledged. The parents are probably unaware of any extra effort you’ve gone through. In future just by a pot of slime, a bubble wand and a packet of sweets like everyone else and crack on with enjoying the party rather then seething that no one’s patted you on the back 😂

PuttingDownRoots · 19/10/2022 11:17

Have you ever hosted a kids party?

They can be manic. Everyone arriving at once, you are greeting parents while coralling kids and trying to get the activities started. Maybe even trying to finish getting things out. As a consequence you can come across as short but really you are just frazzled.

Then at the end, you have to clear it all up in a limited amount of time. Presents get shoved in a couple of large bags, meanwhile half the cards have come off and you have no idea whose brought what.

You get home with an overexcited child. They may what to rip through the presents or just too overwhelmed by them. All you want to do is just sit down and relax, maybe a glass of wine.

I always sent out a general Thank You message for attending and gifts though.

MissMaple82 · 19/10/2022 11:20

Cottonbud25 · 19/10/2022 11:16

That is the exact reason why I won’t be doing them. A day out with a few friends would be a lot more appreciated than a party with people my kid hardly knows…

Well thats your choice, but others choose to do parties and give their child that experience. Each to their own an all that! If you find them so offensive and inconvenient just reply back you can't go.

MissMaple82 · 19/10/2022 11:22

I do Halloween parties every other year, I f###ing loathe it, its stressful and costly as anything, but I do it simply because my child loves Halloween, not to show off in anyway.

snoodles · 19/10/2022 11:23

PuttingDownRoots · 19/10/2022 11:17

Have you ever hosted a kids party?

They can be manic. Everyone arriving at once, you are greeting parents while coralling kids and trying to get the activities started. Maybe even trying to finish getting things out. As a consequence you can come across as short but really you are just frazzled.

Then at the end, you have to clear it all up in a limited amount of time. Presents get shoved in a couple of large bags, meanwhile half the cards have come off and you have no idea whose brought what.

You get home with an overexcited child. They may what to rip through the presents or just too overwhelmed by them. All you want to do is just sit down and relax, maybe a glass of wine.

I always sent out a general Thank You message for attending and gifts though.

Agree!

Onceinnever · 19/10/2022 11:23

My daughter had a big party recently and I was very surprised by the level of generosity with regard to gifts. I have a present drawer in which I keep gifts that I've bought in the sale etc. I don't go crazy with how much I spend on presents for whole party gifts, but you could tell that for my daughters party, some people had spent quite a bit.

I think saying thank you at the time is fine but a note afterwards or a WhatsApp message is nicer. I dont know what the alternative would be to present tables, but I do note down who got what.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/10/2022 11:24

Sorry OP but you are being ridiculous. Why are you so over the top? Buy a £10 present from the works, a £1 card from card factory, job done. The parents arent flashy they are busy. Did I individually message all 30 parents who came to my child's 5th birthday, no. I entertained, fed and watered you and your children for a couple of hours and said thank you when you have me a present, which I in turn put in a pile with the others.

Akitamama · 19/10/2022 11:24

I think what Cottonbud25 is saying, that (some) parents organise these big lavish birthday parties and invite as many other kids as possible, only so that their child gets as many presents as possible and they (child and parent) can climb up the popularity ladder. No thought is given to the present giver, who in this case went out of her way to to treat their child. The thoughtful gift is just added to a pile of other gifts without so much as a thank you. It's incredibly rude not to thank someone for their gift and disheartening for the present giver, to see their gift being dumped somewhere on a table without a thought or appreciation shown.

Original poster
Cottonbud25 · 19/10/2022 11:27

Thank you for your comment ❤️ this was my point. I’m not fussed about recognition of it being handmade, even if it wasn’t handmade I would still have the same opinion. Just a thank you on WhatsApp would have been appreciated x

OP posts:
TeenDivided · 19/10/2022 11:27

Lots of children love whole class parties. Having loads of kids they know their having fun together.
We never did them as DD found whole class parties somewhat overwhelming and she was often coming back to me for reassurance.

bloodyplanes · 19/10/2022 11:27

I was always very strict about either thank you notes, texts or calls when mine were younger. I would be mortified if one of my children didn't say a personal thank you. It just shows a complete lack of manners. My DIL never bothers to text or call and say thank you if i have sent her something or given it to my DS to pass on, i find it extremely rude and i know other family members do as well. As for children's birthday parties, haven't they always been about the parents outdoing each other? Thats what is was like when my DC were at school! Especially those that have birthday parties for very small kids eg 1,2,3 year olds, the child couldn't give a toss at that age!

Loopyloooooo · 19/10/2022 11:28

You're over thinking it. Kids parties are chaotic for the parents. It's not about what you're giving. Most of the time it's hard to know what's from who anyway. Just chill out and pop a fiver or tenner in a card from the supermarket, wrap up some sweets or a large bar of chocolate and sellotape the card to it. Job done .

Original poster
Cottonbud25 · 19/10/2022 11:28

Exactly my point ❤️

OP posts:
badassbaby · 19/10/2022 11:28

Cottonbud25 · 19/10/2022 10:54

My daughter is almost 5 and has just started attending birthday parties. We’ve been to 2 so far and have another one coming up next month. Each time we have been to one I feel like I have gone above and beyond for a child I barely even know and i can’t help but think that these parties are designed more so the children have more gifts and the parents can show off.

My reason for thinking that is because obviously it’s not the done thing to turn up to a birthday party without a gift. I am a crafter so I like to make a lot of things myself. The first party we went to was for a little girl so I made her 4 hair bows, each presented on card which I had designed, printed and cut. I made her birthday card too without so much as a thank you from the parents. It was literally “the pile for presents is over there” and that was it.

The second party we went to was a joint birthday party for a boy and a girl. Kind of last minute I had to organise a gift as I’d got my dates mixed up. I bought the boys present (thank you Amazon for your next day delivery), made separate cards for the pair of them, went to smyths for the girls present, but also bought her a necklace which wasn’t well presented so I designed a piece of card to present it on and put it in a little bag. Again, not one word from the parents afterwards. No “thank you for the lovely gift” or “thank you for the cards” … nothing.

When my children are given something, I always make sure I drop a message to that person to say thank you. It doesn’t matter what it is, it’s good manners. Now we have a 3rd party coming up and I’m seriously debating on whether or not I should even make an effort like I have done with the past 2. It isn’t fair on the girl I know, as her parents may be very different. But I’ve gone out of my way twice now and I just don’t see the point.

Other people may not agree, and that’s fine. I’m actually just looking to see whether or not anybody else has had a similar experience? And whether I should bother making the effort again or just presume that these parties are for one reason and one reason only.

Wait till you host one then you can judge.
The kids don't give a shiny shit about your hand made craft stuff.
Chill out and let your kid enjoy the party.

girlmom21 · 19/10/2022 11:28

Cottonbud25 · 19/10/2022 11:27

Thank you for your comment ❤️ this was my point. I’m not fussed about recognition of it being handmade, even if it wasn’t handmade I would still have the same opinion. Just a thank you on WhatsApp would have been appreciated x

The thank you should be coming from the children to the children as the gift is from your child to theirs.

Not from the parents via WhatsApp. It's all about the children.
You're just the facilitators.

Original poster
Cottonbud25 · 19/10/2022 11:28

I will definitely do this next time!

OP posts:
inappropriateraspberry · 19/10/2022 11:30

Don't go to so much effort then. No one is asking you to make the gifts or cards. We usually have a group message thanks or a post on social media thanking everyone for coming. I don't expect individual thanks these days, and definitely not a card!
The presents are out on a table/in a pile to opened after the party, so how can they thank you for something they haven't opened yet?
The party is very much for the children. My two are already planning theirs for next year! I like to throw a good party, but to make sure all the children enjoy it and the birthday child has what they asked for. It's never think 'will the parents be impressed?' It's always 'will the children love this?'

Original poster
Cottonbud25 · 19/10/2022 11:31

Thank you for this comment! This is the exact point ❤️

OP posts:
HighlandPony · 19/10/2022 11:32

Nooooo. Not me or anyone I know. I really don’t need more nerf guns, gutties or my little ponies cluttering my house. I sent a message last time saying please no presents but everyone turned up with them anyway. It’s like they’re all trying to outdo each other. Oh you brought an x shot shotgun, well I’ve brought a nerf mini plus a nerf crossbow. Ffs I don’t have room to keep this shit.

Original poster
Cottonbud25 · 19/10/2022 11:32

I’m not talking about a thanks there and then. A lot of things are arranged over WhatsApp these days. A text to say thank you would be appreciated. That’s the point.

OP posts:
Hbh17 · 19/10/2022 11:33

It's incredibly rude not to say thank you for a gift, and not teach children to do so. I'd stop giving presents, tbh.

Swipe left for the next trending thread