AIBU to think that kids birthday parties are more about the parents than the children?

[Cottonbud25]

My daughter is almost 5 and has just started attending birthday parties. We’ve been to 2 so far and have another one coming up next month. Each time we have been to one I feel like I have gone above and beyond for a child I barely even know and i can’t help but think that these parties are designed more so the children have more gifts and the parents can show off.

My reason for thinking that is because obviously it’s not the done thing to turn up to a birthday party without a gift. I am a crafter so I like to make a lot of things myself. The first party we went to was for a little girl so I made her 4 hair bows, each presented on card which I had designed, printed and cut. I made her birthday card too without so much as a thank you from the parents. It was literally “the pile for presents is over there” and that was it.

The second party we went to was a joint birthday party for a boy and a girl. Kind of last minute I had to organise a gift as I’d got my dates mixed up. I bought the boys present (thank you Amazon for your next day delivery), made separate cards for the pair of them, went to smyths for the girls present, but also bought her a necklace which wasn’t well presented so I designed a piece of card to present it on and put it in a little bag. Again, not one word from the parents afterwards. No “thank you for the lovely gift” or “thank you for the cards” … nothing.

When my children are given something, I always make sure I drop a message to that person to say thank you. It doesn’t matter what it is, it’s good manners. Now we have a 3rd party coming up and I’m seriously debating on whether or not I should even make an effort like I have done with the past 2. It isn’t fair on the girl I know, as her parents may be very different. But I’ve gone out of my way twice now and I just don’t see the point.

Other people may not agree, and that’s fine. I’m actually just looking to see whether or not anybody else has had a similar experience? And whether I should bother making the effort again or just presume that these parties are for one reason and one reason only.

Isnt that the whole point of this thread, you wanted a thankyou and didnt get one?

I used to take a picture of my child using or holding the present and text it to the mum with a Thankyou for coming.
Shows you notice when people make the effort.

YABU. We say thank you for presents as received but don't send individual thank you after. We don't expect same from others too. Doesn't mean it is about the parents. If it was about me i wouldn't do the party as it's pretty stressful!

Thank you for your comments everybody.

I guess maybe I expected too much. Who would have thought I presumed people were actually brought up with manners. As for expecting recognition for my gifts being handmade goes.. that isn’t the reason I do it. I do it as a hobby, and I enjoy giving gifts to people. Even people I don’t know. A little thanks goes a long way that’s all ❤️

I understand OP. You do it because you enjoy it and you like to put the effort in because it's nice.
When you don't get the same back it can hurt that people are not as thoughtful as you.
I love getting handmade, means a lot.

Totally agree with you. Way too many people nowadays that don't use their manners unfortunately and think it's ok for their child to copy their behaviour. I would be mortified if my children didn't say please or in this case, thank you. What is wrong with people 🤦🏼‍♀️

With 4 kids I have been to hundreds of birthday parties and always put a lot of thought into the child’s gift and a lot of those birthday kids we have hardly known. It’s 50/50 the parties where the child either rips open the present on the spot (they may or may not say a quick thank you to my child) then quickly move to the next one or you leave the present in a pile with the others I have never got a thank you text/card etc and I don’t expect one. I have had a couple of the birthday kids mums approach me weeks later thanking me for a gift a child particularly loves and a mum sent me a picture of a completed lego set we gifted which was nice. Trust me I do not throw my kids birthday parties for me or my husband or for the gifts (we can afford them ourselves). I find them stressful, expensive and would much prefer to take my family on a relaxing holiday but I do it for each of my kids every few years for them as they beg relentlessly for one and a lot of their friends have one every single year.

Have you hosted a big class party yet? It’s erm… busy!

My kids write thank you letters within a week of getting the gift, and they have to be done by hand, not on the computer. And I am certainly not texting it. It's polite. I am an adult and I still do it.

Oh I thought this was going to be about a 1st or 2nd birthday party, which I was going to agree is definitely for the parents. But at 5 years old, the party is (or should be) all about the birthday girl. Apart from perhaps putting so much effort into handcrafting cards and gifts-which no 5 year old will give a shit about-I’m not really sure what your problem is. You got a thank you when you handed your present to the frazzled and distracted parent didn’t you? Your kid enjoyed their self and got fed at the party didn’t they?

I kept a note of each present as it was unwrapped them wrote individual texts to each gift giver for my DD all class 5th birthday party. A little note about what she'd liked about it or how she would play with it. I cringe when I think back to it as only one person replied back.

After that I stick to generic all parents message thanking for coming and hoping their children enjoyed the party. Hasn't affected my relationship with other parents. Don't sweat the small stuff or primary will be hard work!

I never enjoyed the whole class parties my daughter was invited too and thankfully neither did she so she never wanted to go.
For her birthdays I never invited more than about 6 kids.
We played party games at home and I had a little prize bag of various things. One year a couple of the prizes were little toy cars (Wilko own brand of Hot Wheels) and they nearly caused a riot because they all wanted one 😂
They cost about 50p and I remember saying to one of the kids "if you want one that badly I can get you one next week" (if I remember correctly she politely said "it's ok thanks").
A year later I did another little party. One kid said "will there be cars again this year?".
It's the small things that children often really enjoy and remember.
So I understand what you are saying @Cottonbud25 .

Tbh I am not into crafting so wouldn't say thank you for a hand made gift more than a bought one. A thank you on the day should suffice though

@Cottonbud25 so when you say the party should be about the parents what you really mean is it should be about you and appreciation for the extra effort you put into the 5 year olds gift rather than the 5 year old celebrating or the other kids who are there to have fun.

yea a thank you text from the parent will be nice and I’ve got a few but I don’t even think for one second that those who didn’t send a text siding appreciate it, it was for the kid and I know how much work goes into organizing birthday parties.

I learned early on big effort isn't needed unless a v close friend.
I have some go to gifts dependant on the child and don't bother with handmade cards unless I've forgotten to get one then knock out one of my ready to go cards on the cricut (10 minutes max).

My ds is having a party soon, he'll be 3 and it's very much for him, I'd rather do something else! He won't be bothered about thanking at the party but I will send thank you notes in to nursery with him (and I'll be paying to feed the kids and parents on the day!).

With handmade gifts you rarely get the acknowledgement they deserve. I made an absolutely beautiful 1st birthday gift for someone close, and I'm talking 12 hours of work on it plus pricey materials- personalised to the child's likes, theme of the party and parents tastes... the grandparents were very complimentary but the parents just tossed it to one side and I haven't had any acknowledgement or thanks from them 3 months on. I'll still give nice gifts because I adore the child but i wouldn't do that for a school friend.

I have hosted quite a few parties for my kid's, and I can definitely say it is for the kids not myself. For me it is a hellish day, making sure everything is organised, everyone is having fun. I do it because they want to. I am usually tidying up sorting left over food etc.. while the kids are ripping wrapping paper off. Sometimes I catch who brought what and try to thank people for prezzies but when the kids are 8+ and it is their birthday it is difficult to itemise every item. I don't expect people to say thank you for the presents I give at a kid's party.

Your choice if you want to be all showy but no need to be so patronising 🤨

I’ve been to lots of whole class parties where I don’t believe the birthday kid is having a great time or if they are is not proportional to the the time and effort spent. It’s a social norm/trend that needs to die IMO. Most 5 years would have much more fun with just five or six other kids to celebrate with. It’s just overwhelming for their. So I don’t think I would say the parents are doing it for themselves, perhaps a few are, more that they feel they need to do what is expected of them.

I can't get over the irony in your post. Why on earth would you make a handmade gift for a child you barely know then complain you weren't thanked profusely enough. For those of us with full time jobs and several children, the drill is Amazon gift or money in card. Attend party. I went to three kids parties in one day last Saturday, as well as a kids football match. I expect a thank you on the day, but I understand if you've invited 30 kids to a party and had all the hassle of organising it, individual thank yous afterwards are not always easy. Why do people put so much pressure on ourselves/others? And when I say people, I mean women!

Having held a few of these parties, it is mayhem. Gifts are opened later, and a general thank you issued on the party WhatsApp group.

And as far as it being all a show and all for the parents...? When you are making handcrafted gifts for a child who would prefer a transformer or something from Claire's, and then getting upset when your performance does not receive the applause you would like...who is that really for?

These parents paid money to feed and entertain your kids. They've done enough. Let it go

I always printed a generic thank you (from my child with a goofy photo) for class parties because you should always acknowledge gifts so for that YANBU.

But as for “…for expecting recognition for my gifts being handmade goes.. that isn’t the reason I do it. I do it as a hobby, and I enjoy giving gifts to people.” YABU. Homemade gifts are shit and rarely about the recipient. They are about the giver’s hobby and usually because they’re tight.

There's present tables at every event - I wouldn't go to a wedding and insist the B&G open their card and gift voucher in front of me. You stick it on the present table. Same with christenings. Same with birthdays. We only had a small party last year for DD but we were still opening presents a week later so our thank yous probably weren't sufficiently swift and tbh I couldn't remember who was who so they were also very generic. I'm probably a shit parent.

This post doesn't make sense. You've asked if parties are all about the parents but then you've gone on to moan that you've hand made gift that didn't get a formal thank you. It sounds like you're making it about you, not the other parents making it about them. You haven't given any examples of how it is possibly about the other parents in fact your example indicates they think the very opposite- it's not about the presents it's about the actual party as proven by the fact the presents are only a very small aspect of it.

I went to a kids party at the weekend.
Took my present and put it on the table with all the other presents. Didn't think anything further about the present and enjoyed getting stuck into the booze and entertainment with everyone else. I was actually really overwhelmed by how much effort the mum had gone to to make it a lovely afternoon for the kids and the parents.

Have you ever hosted a large party for 20+ children? It's coming across from your posts that you have no idea how stressful/expensive parties can be for parents.

Especially hall ones... you have to prepare food, cart everything to the venue, liaise with entertainer/bouncy castle people or set up games and toys if you're doing it yourself, organise cake, organise plates, cups, napkins, drinks, lay out food and set the party tables, blow up balloons and put up decorations and more. All in around half an hour before the party begins while trying to watch your own child. Then the party itself is 2+ hours of greeting people, making hot drinks for parents, offering food, clearing up spills, ensuring everyone behaves on the bouncy castle, supervising the birthday tea, breaking up balloon fights, serving the cake with some attempt at a relaxed smile, doing the pass-the-parcel, handing out party bags and thanking everyone for coming. Then you have 30 minutes to take down the decorations, clean up the carnage, wipe all the tables down, cart everything to the car and hoover before handing back the hall keys. And if all the presents aren't put on a present table out of reach of little hands, the kids will fall on them like feral hyenas and they won't make it to the birthday child's home in one piece. And the parents will never know who gave what.

Unless you have a lot of help or choose an activity or venue like soft play, imo large parties generally involve at least six hours' hard labour for parents (on top of all the planning). Parents do them because children that age (reception/Y1) don't have fixed friendship groups and it's nice for all the kids, including the quiet ones who might otherwise be missed out, to get to go to at least some parties. And most kids love them. So my reaction when someone hosts my DC for a fun afternoon is gratitude for their efforts, and I'm not going to complain if parents don't add an extra 2-3 hours of labour on top of this by forcing an exhausted child to do handwritten thank you notes for 30 gifts. A thank you text from the parent is always lovely but not required.

Tbh you sound like very hard work. Just buy a small gift or chuck £5 in an envelope, fold a piece of paper and get your child to scribble on it and write 'happy birthday' inside and then go along and enjoy your child's enjoyment with a good grace while the hosts run around like headless chickens. Or decline the invite if you can't do that.