To not want my 80 year old mother to speak to me at 50 as if I am still a child

[Bretonbear]

My mother and I have never been particularly close but recently it has become a lot worse.

The thing I'm noticing more than anything is that now with her daughter as a 50 year old woman with her own children, she still texts me and speaks to me as if I am still her small child who she can control.

She texts me to say that however upset I am she is 'twice as upset'. She says that I need to let things go. She says she is disappointed in me. She says she is sorry for the things I THINK she did wrong.

Is this normal? Should she still talk to me like this? Why does she never accept blame? Why is she 'twice' as upset? What does that even mean?

I am so confused about all this and just want to know if at 50 my mother should be talking to me like this.

I had this with my DM.
I just used to nod & say "Yes Mum" & ignore whatever it was she was saying.

Yes very draining. We dont bring her away. But as another post said not put up with rudeness either.

Your mother sounds as if she is narcissist and believes she controls you. Don’t allow her to reduce contact with her and don’t allow her to see that she upsets you as this will make it worse. You do not owe your mother anything you stated you don’t get on just leave her get on with it. Don’t also allow your children to be influenced by your mother either.

Bit older here but similar circumstances. Drama Llama mother who has never really taken responsibility for her own actions; causes rows with sibling and then blames them (did point out it was her own doing). Talks to me like a servant at times. I ignore it and treat her with the respect she doesn't afford to others. When the phone rings, I choose when to answer. Drama llama stuff gets ignored, real needs get answered. Yet I feel bad still for doing this and suspect I will feel guilty when she's gone. Sadly there are happy memories that are overshadowed by the stress-inducing stuff; even my widowhood was turned round so it became all about her.

Thankfully I am childless so this will not be re-enacted 😬All you can do is set boundaries, and stick to them, but it's easier said than done xxxx

Have you come across the drama triangle OP? I found it a really useful framework for understanding toxic behaviour and my responses to it.

Will I miss her? I honestly don't know. Seeing her or speaking to her can wind me up for days afterwards, and I'm so much calmer during periods of LC

So so true for me too

I saw this man out with his Mum a few weeks back. I guess he was 60ish and she probably late 80s or even 90s. She says to him, "How many times do I need to tell you, Reginald, it is rude to point".

Made me laugh.

@Ponoka7 ”Don't tell the adult children, or worse actual children, of abusive, toxic, narcissistic etc parents that we'll miss them. It is gaslighting and minimising child abuse.” Very very well said.

When I was about 30, a circa 60 y o woman told me off, said I mustn’t speak ill of my mother, when I said something negative about my mother. It really stung. Since my mother was and is abusive.

That said, looking back, I reckon the 60 y o was also a narcissist — or at least she was emotionally weird. She behaved like a flirty young girl with all the men, complete with little baby voice. Was self serving, self centred, lacking empathy.

anyway, my point for mentioning all this is that the op is expressing something very difficult, that thankfully a lot of people won’t relate to. However there is the rub: If you’ve not been through it, you won’t get it. But digging into someone who HAS been through this sort of abuse, and then minimising their feelings, can be very painful for the person who has endured it.

I hardly ever speak about it, so when I do, it’s very raw. I sense same for the OP.

@Seebee I could agree more. Very well said!

@Seebee *couldn't agree more!

What's with the flirty thing. Saw this with someone's dm around daughters new boyfriend.
Really little girl tinkly laugh.
Very obvious and very inappropriate.
This dm was 'difficult' ..

Seebee well said. My neighbour pull the same thing you have regrets when she gone. As you say they havent a clue if their parent easy.

Hi bretonbear. More solidarity from here. The she’s your mother, you should try harder type comments are frustrating and in my experience make everything harder. I am fairly low contact, but find Christmas very difficult to navigate.

So resonate with posters on this thread having a dreadful time with a parent. I know this is primarily about mothers but omg my father is horrendous. I'm having to have counselling and have been on tranquilizers to deal with his outbursts before. There is a real sadness involved too, but mostly a massive desire to get the hell away from him whenever I have dealings with him.

I detest people saying 'you'll miss him when he's gone' etc, how dare they when they clearly have no experience whatsoever with this situation.

With you all the way OP! xx

@Inthisissue sorry to hear that. Is there any way someone can be with you when you have to deal with your father? My mother is bit different when my DH is around although he knows what she's like.

Yes, my brother or husband are with me always or my son, I never see him alone. So sad isn't it that we have to protect ourselves from our own parents 😔

Sending you solidarity OP. Both my parents treat me like a child (I'm 48), tell me to be quiet or that I'm stupid if I express an opinion. If I debate back about anything I'm shut down or dismissed, and my mother (who is now dead) would get very upset and then my father would tell me 'not to speak to your mother like that'. I can't stand it. They're not people I would spend any time with if I could help it. As an adult I choose my friends for what they bring to my life, but these people don't bring very much to me now.

I've had counselling and my therapist said "what do you want to happen because they sure as hell aren't going to apologise for their behaviour so you can either resent them your whole life or just minimise your interactions and get on with life."

I mourn for the parents I wanted, the parents others have, the closeness, the support. As a parent myself I'm doing everything I can to be the parent that I would have wanted.

I mourn for the parents I wanted, the parents others have, the closeness, the support. As a parent myself I'm doing everything I can to be the parent that I would have wanted.

Totally agree x

I listen to my work colleagues and friends talk about their parents (dead and alive) so fondly and with so much joy and love and I just feel alien. I wish I could join the conversation but I just can't. And I just don't think they would understand.

Me too, Breton and ashamed to say I feel a bit envious sometimes, it's all so sad isn't it xx

After just turning 46 I've only recently realised how controlling my own mother has always been growing up.
I never realised how much of our conversation was transactional.

She actually just told me a month ago to go get changed because what I was wearing was awful... Then told me not to be ridiculous when I pointed out I'd wear what the fuck I like

Recently started reading a book about emotionally immature parents that's good

I recently spent 3 months living with and nursing my mother, who is 85. Oh Dear God. I know she was ill, but. . . everything was up for critique. Nothing was off limits. To what I ate, how fast I ate, what I wore, how I wore it. . . it certainly made me appreciate 12,000 miles of distance between us!

This club has full membership and a waiting list

When we become independent adults ourselves we manage our own relationships with our parents. We change how we react to the way they talk to us and that develops the relationship.

If you have allowed a child like dynamic to continue in your relationship for the last 30 years you have been an adult I doubt it will change now she is elderly.

There is no point in seeking her approval, or her acceptance of blame. Keep conversations light, civil and practical and try to keep away from anything intense. Dont sweat the small stuff but If you don't want to do something significant just say no and change the subject.