To not want my 80 year old mother to speak to me at 50 as if I am still a child

KangarooKenny · 18/10/2022 07:33

You are her child, and she’s not going to change now.

Original poster

Bretonbear · 18/10/2022 07:35

KangarooKenny · 18/10/2022 07:33

You are her child, and she’s not going to change now.

I suppose as an adult I can choose how to deal with and react to it. She has no authority over me anymore although her words and texts imply she thinks she does.

OP posts:

Sceptre86 · 18/10/2022 07:36

She's 80, she isn't going to change. She sounds unpleasant and there is clearly a backstory. You should have addressed this about 30 years ago. It depends what you want to do either accept it and keep low contact or tell her that you do not want any contact going forward and block her. Neither will be easy to do.

SleeplessInEngland · 18/10/2022 07:37

At that age I would just accept you’ll never be close and try to limit contact where reasonable. Time isn’t exactly on her side.

Teddyhasgonetobed · 18/10/2022 07:38

KangarooKenny · 18/10/2022 07:33

You are her child, and she’s not going to change now.

At 80 this is spot on. However reading your post I thought you were describing my mother, I just think some women are better at adapting to being a parent with adult child than others. It's like they created an identity around being mum and hold onto that with all their might.

Original poster

Bretonbear · 18/10/2022 07:38

Sceptre86 · 18/10/2022 07:36

She's 80, she isn't going to change. She sounds unpleasant and there is clearly a backstory. You should have addressed this about 30 years ago. It depends what you want to do either accept it and keep low contact or tell her that you do not want any contact going forward and block her. Neither will be easy to do.

30 years ago I thought her behaviour was normal. It is only through seeing and hearing others talk about their great relationships with their mothers that I've slowly realised I don't have that.

OP posts:

Snoredoeurve · 18/10/2022 07:43

Sounds toxic to me.
She doesnt view you as an adult.
Look up Transactional analysis.
See where the roles are playing out.
The trick is for you to remain in adult no matter how critical she is.

You dont have to engage with this

stayathomegardener · 18/10/2022 07:44

I doubt she will change at her age now.

I do think it's really common, I deal with my own mother 89 by withdrawing when she treats me like a child.

I also try not to do it to Dd 23 if I want to retain a good relationship with her but do find it hard not to think I know best and want to protect her.

Gruelle · 18/10/2022 07:44

Tbh just want to know if at 50 my mother should be talking to me like this sounds a bit childish!

There is no ‘should’ in this instance. Even if 999 posters said “No, she shouldn’t speak to you like that” it makes no difference. Unless it amounts to criminal harassment or assault, your current age doesn’t preclude your mother from being rude, dismissive, patronising, gaslighting, whatever.

Obviously we would all prefer to have a good relationship with our parents. And there are countless mother / daughter disagreement threads here - but this thread can’t make your mother nicer to you.

FWIW my nonagenarian parent still rewards me with “Good girl!” if I do anything to please her.

Original poster

Bretonbear · 18/10/2022 07:47

Gruelle · 18/10/2022 07:44

Tbh just want to know if at 50 my mother should be talking to me like this sounds a bit childish!

There is no ‘should’ in this instance. Even if 999 posters said “No, she shouldn’t speak to you like that” it makes no difference. Unless it amounts to criminal harassment or assault, your current age doesn’t preclude your mother from being rude, dismissive, patronising, gaslighting, whatever.

Obviously we would all prefer to have a good relationship with our parents. And there are countless mother / daughter disagreement threads here - but this thread can’t make your mother nicer to you.

FWIW my nonagenarian parent still rewards me with “Good girl!” if I do anything to please her.

Ok, I worded the last question incorrectly but you still got the meaning.

OP posts:

ThatshallotBaby · 18/10/2022 07:51

She shouldn’t be talking to you like this. Her feelings are not more important than yours. And it’s not a competition anyway, but she’s made it into one with ‘twice as upset’. WTAF.
You are not responsible for her life and her disappointments. As much as possible focus on accepting yourself and respecting yourself, let her get on with it, and limit the amount of time you spend with her.

tandmoo · 18/10/2022 07:53

My MIL's DM is 93 and the way she gets spoken to and treated at times is awful. MIL's sister also gets treated the same

They are both really assertive but they never say anything to their DM, they just get spoken to rudely at times and just accept it and put it down to her age

BogRollBOGOF · 18/10/2022 07:56

Bretonbear · 18/10/2022 07:38

30 years ago I thought her behaviour was normal. It is only through seeing and hearing others talk about their great relationships with their mothers that I've slowly realised I don't have that.

Show quote history

It takes time to grow, develop and see it, especially when you've been quashed by a parent in youth.

I've witnessed with some older relatives that aging reinforces people's traits and intensifies them. They're not mellowed by filtering themselves so much as they did when they were younger (pain/ socialising/ brain development?). I've seen things like favouritism between children that were more controlled really show up in the 80s.

With my DM, she wants family females to be like her. The less you are like her, the harder she is. Add in me getting older and prioritising my life and her intensifying in her traits and it does push away. The males get a free-pass because they're different anyway. I couldn't see the problem in my 20s because she was a bit more rounded and I had more flexibility to mould to her expectations. I have other responsibilities and priorities now, and know myself better. I now see why another relative always struggled because they always has a stronger sense of their own identity from youth and there was constant push-back.

She's not going to change other than reinforce her traits. All you can do is modify your behaviour and reaction to her. You have to work out what meets your needs best as standing your ground to protect yourself will have an impact on your relationship that you need to reconcile. Either way, a difficult, uncompromising parent takes their toll on you.

Original poster

Bretonbear · 18/10/2022 08:00

@bogrollsBOGOF thank you. Your reply makes a lot of sense.

OP posts:

Snoredoeurve · 18/10/2022 08:06

Essntially Op this is a toxic enmeshment.
She does not see you as anything in your own right, just an extension of her " her child"
Normally children are supported by their parents into growing into adults.
There is an adult to adult relationship.

In this type of toxic family you have to play your role or you will be viciously rejected.
I would suggest a big step back and look into a counsellor who specialises in this type of thing

KimberleyClark · 18/10/2022 08:21

My mother was the same. Spoke to me like I was a child up until she died when I was 56.

newnamethanks · 18/10/2022 08:23

You're 50? Get over it, she's not going to change now.

Original poster

Bretonbear · 18/10/2022 08:30

newnamethanks · 18/10/2022 08:23

You're 50? Get over it, she's not going to change now.

Supportive. Thanks.

OP posts:

Blossomtoes · 18/10/2022 08:34

Bretonbear · 18/10/2022 08:30

Supportive. Thanks.

Show quote history

True though.

lifeturnsonadime · 18/10/2022 08:41

My mother is similar. Apparently no one has it as bad as her. When my DD was going through her GCSEs with AWFUL mental health issues to the point they needed to be arranged in the home which wasn't resolved until pretty much the 11th hour that wasn't nearly as bad as John Lewis delivering some furniture to her late. She really couldn't understand why I didn't prioritise her furniture delivery over my DDs future. Selfish apparently.

I am gradually reducing contact. Nothing I can do will ever be enough. My life simply isn't as significant as hers.

Sometimes these things dawn on you as a gradual realisation and it is upsetting so whilst there isn't much you can do to resolve it I do understand your issue. And my mother definitely treats me differently from my male siblings. The sun shines out of their asses. They never see her.

EmmaH2022 · 18/10/2022 08:42

OP what is your daily relationship like?

my mum is 83 and has done a bit of "growing up" since 80, but she wasn't like your mother. It was more small things really bothered me. There were a couple of times she said things like "I knew I'd have to compromise with a husband but not with my own children". I think seeing her peers being avoided by their adult children was a bit of a lesson.

but she didn't go in for this drama. It was more that after dad died, she expected us to be on hand to keep her entertained, I guess.

anyway, some change might be possible but I'm saying that as someone who had a good relationship initially.

she was very pensive when my older sister turned 50, saying "no one needs me any more". We pointed out that being wanted was much more important and she got over it quickly!

Sparkletastic · 18/10/2022 08:49

Stay in your adult zone. Disengage.

maddy68 · 18/10/2022 08:50

She's 80. Your 50. You will always be her child. My mum is a similar age. Drives me nuts. Not going to change. Just nod politely and ignore the irritation.

Haggisandchips · 18/10/2022 09:05

Some parents do not adapt to a relationship with their adult children. I have friends who sill get demands/instructions from their parents and told what to do. The hardest part of being a parent is letting them go, make their own lives and mistakes along the way, and support them in their choices. Some need to retain the upper hand in a parent-child relationship and cant let control go.

Grey rock and go LC. If you dont react they have no audience.

CrispyNoodles · 18/10/2022 09:15

Yup, been there, done that...

I can remember my mother, 80, asking my brother, 50 if his header tank was lagged.
My brother has a combi boiler (so no header tank) so he said "No".
"Whaaa?!" she said "No lagging? Where is it?"
My brother deadpan, said "On top of the roof on a ten-foot pole".
After digesting that reply she told my brother that his attempts at being funny weren't working.

😂