To not want my 80 year old mother to speak to me at 50 as if I am still a child

[Bretonbear]

My mother and I have never been particularly close but recently it has become a lot worse.

The thing I'm noticing more than anything is that now with her daughter as a 50 year old woman with her own children, she still texts me and speaks to me as if I am still her small child who she can control.

She texts me to say that however upset I am she is 'twice as upset'. She says that I need to let things go. She says she is disappointed in me. She says she is sorry for the things I THINK she did wrong.

Is this normal? Should she still talk to me like this? Why does she never accept blame? Why is she 'twice' as upset? What does that even mean?

I am so confused about all this and just want to know if at 50 my mother should be talking to me like this.

She's an old woman who used to run your life 70 years ago.

You're now the driver and conductor of the bus that is your life. You've got the map, you decide the route, the timetable. At most, she's a bus-pass passenger on the back seat.

Having a toxic mother must have taught you some useful lessons. Now you're an adult in your prime, YOU have the insight and awareness to control your own social behaviour... don't you?

This is very similar to my situation as I've said. Her other children don't have much contact, one does but she would never speak to that child the way she tries to speak to me.
Also, they have been getting away with treating us badly when pulled up about it they can't cope with it. Keep up with not letting her away with things or reduce more contact.
Ignore those posters who have no idea.
I find it very difficult to try and explain to friends the situation, there are only a few close family members understand.
Even other family members wouldn't believe how she behaves as she puts on another side to other people, playing the martyr etc.

This step back op

@2bazookas
One of the things about growing up in a toxic/neglectful house, is that the lessons you learn aren’t very helpful ones for being happy and ok with yourself. This is why it can take a very very long time to realise what was happening in your childhood, and then accept and heal yourself. Some people never manage it.

The damage is all encompassing @2bazookas

What useful lessons has my toxic mother taught me?
Blimey. Where do I start

Yes I do. Which is why I am taking advice from those who have posted on here who have experienced the same as they are the only ones who understand.

This. My mother is similar and regularly cuts contact with me or ignores me if I dare to pull her up on her shitty behaviour. I've just accepted that she's toxic and will never admit (or genuinely doesn't care) that she was an awful parent. I'd happily go NC with her but I love my dad and she always pulls him away with her so I have to put up with her to be able to see him.

just cherish her.
you'll miss her when she's gone, and probably wish you'd done things differently, been nicer to her.
so, how about just trying to be as nice to her now, while you still can.
don't expect too much of her.
don't expect her to relate to you with understanding etc.
you take the lead.
like with a child. ignore the negative. praise the positive.
keep your interactions short and sweet. and frequent.
good luck.

Oh really @alexdgr8

Op they very hard work at that age have it myself. I tell her little. Yes she control my dad so she thinks that behaviour works. Had cut back could b years of this crap. 80 also

Op I dont put up with rudeness now. I dont care how old they are. Counselling told me go low contact which I did. Good replies on this thread

I really don't think you know what it is like to have a toxic mother as if you did, you would not be suggesting I cherish one.

@alexdgr8 what would I miss exactly?

Oh do f off with all that drivel

@Redrry agreed!

I'm 38, and my 67 year old mum tried to teach me how to squeeze out a sponge a couple of months ago. Other memorable examples include "how to turn on the oven" and "how to lock a door". Luckily, when I point it out, we're able to laugh about it. She's not going to change. Your mum isn't either OP.

OMG, my mum would totally do those things. Brilliant.

I think the difference is that my mum wouldn't be able to laugh about it.

I feel your pain 😢 I'm 66 and me and my siblings still have to put up with this shit.

I manage it by not engaging with her stupid annoying comments and keeping some distance, so we do have an OK relationship. One of my siblings finds it much harder to manage than me.

It will always be like this.
I'm so jealous of people who have proper adult relationships with their parents.

My mother told me, when I was in the depths of despair regarding my infertility, that I should “have more guts”. I do still miss her for some reason.

Agree Redrry. Not nice being on the receiving end of these people. My aunt is so easy to deal with would love that.

I think it matters what kind of mother she was to you as a child anyway. I have a friend whose mother treats her as a child. But it’s sweet. It’s really lovely seeing her, in her late 80s, gee up my friend the same way I encourage my little DD. Her mothering is ‘you’re a talented girl and always will be- you can do it, I believe in you, now go and dazzle them!’ When she has a stressful work gig (involves big presentations). It’s the same thing I say to my DD when she gets nervous before her dance club performance.

Of course, my mother has always been snide and critical and undermining, so while she hasn’t changed… yeah. It’s the underlying message your mother has always given you that matters, rather than her continuing to give it.

ThatshallotBaby · Yesterday 15:22

The damage is all encompassing

Yes. It really is. I was always belittled, mocked, sidelined; friends were not welcome, achievements were never celebrated. Nothing was ever good enough. I was never good enough – and I carried this with me my whole life. it's only really now as a parent of teens, hitting midlife and finally learning to value myself and prioritise my own needs, that I am starting to fully understand, and address, the damage she has done, by taking steps to ensure that she will not dictate the way I feel about myself for the rest of my life.

As a secondary effect, it has made parenting a teen DD quite difficult at times, when my benchmark is so skewed. It has helped – and hurt a little sometimes too – to see the wonderful relationships my SILs (both my brothers' wives and DH's sister) have with their own mothers, and how their family closeness seems so effortless and unconditional. It has shown me a better 'normal' and allowed me to reset my expectations and intentions. I basically try to do the opposite of whatever my mother would do in any parenting situation. I just cannot imagine ever speaking to or treating DD the way she did me; I certainly don't always get it right, and sometimes DD just wants to rage at me regardless, but the contrast in our relationship makes me grieve for the mother that my teen self never had.

The one thing that stops me going completely NC rather than LC is that I can't help worrying that I'll regret it, when she's gone. Also I worry about the impact on my brothers who live closer to her and would have to deal with any fallout. Will I miss her? I honestly don't know. Seeing her or speaking to her can wind me up for days afterwards, and I'm so much calmer during periods of LC. I suppose there's always a hope that she will apologise one day for everything... but I think I know deep down that that's never going to happen.

Some parents do not adapt to a relationship with their adult children. I have friends who sill get demands/instructions from their parents and told what to do.

DH and I both had this - I think we started pushing back in our 20s but very much had to deal with it once we became parents - so dreaded thing of "boundaries", non compliance - piss taking - refusing to engage. It was quite bad at times and we had some very bad behavior in response.

Mil once had a fit DH was busy cooking to talk right that second and wanted to ring back after meal and rang 20+ times mobile and landline - so answer machine was beeping and phone ringing - so stressful and when he finally answered she didn't want anything but a chat and he blew up at her. Both FIL and my DP have tried to insist they would be visiting at x date when they knew we had to be elsewhere - once time out the country - and after being very clear we couldn't be there left them to it.

Both Dad and FIL were terrible at volunteering their DS time to others - even after DH was married with kids.

I was given an old book Games People Play - which did help we see what was going on a bit clearer. It is better now - though have to be aware - and do step in with kids if they try anything with them.