am I being unreasonable to think she's an absolute ****

[ooominn]

This happened yesterday but I'm still so angry about it.

I asked my ex about a week ago if he was alright with me going to work Sunday night as overtime (not usually his night with the kids but he said it was fine). We don't speak much unless about the kids (7&9) so hadn't really said anything else about it.

Came to drop them off on the way last night and he wasn't in. Tried ringing he wasn't answering then got some rushed reply saying he was at work and he'd forgotten and that I should have reminded him.

His wife's car was on the drive and the lights were on so tried knocking and ringing her, firstly she pretended to not hear the door or miraculously any of our calls and then when I finally got hold of her she said ex hadn't mentioned anything and refused to have them.

I had to go home in the end and cancel my shift at short notice fucking over my boss and colleagues.

I'm so annoyed though and want to message her asking what kind of step mother would refuse to let her stepkids in when they were on the door step. My ex is a POS too in this situation I know but seriously why wouldn't you just agree to let them in for the night considering it was her husband who fucked up??

WIBU to message her? AIBU to be mad? Or is it just nothing to do with her as she said last night.

My ex said afterwards she was tired lol.

They're both as bad as each other

Excellent post @Sudocremoneverything

OP and her ex? They both behaved badly, but the ex behaved worse.

Ex-s wife was a bit weird and unhelpful to "hide" in the house pretending she wasn't home, to not take the DCs - but as others say, she may have had her reasons.
Choosing not to answer the door to an over entitled asshat is not hiding, it wisely choosing not to engage.

Sorry, don't want stepchildren? Don't get involved with someone who has kids!

If she married your ex, then one of her goals (even unconsciously) was to become a stepmom, so she needs to step up!

I don't get how stepmoms are being excused from their duties on here. Sure, your ex is likely the source encouraging this, so I'd have a word with him too, but what lowlife refuses a 7 & 9 year old kids from their doorstep?

Don't want a second job? Don't marry someone with a job! It's your duty to do theirs too!

And what kind of lowlife places children on a doorstep without prior arrangement with the person actually present in the house?

Well, she did get involved with some and she' not going to do those 'duties' you think stepmoms sign up to subconsciously (how very Stepford Wife!) Oh no! What should we do? Should we pre-programme these duties into Stepmoms' brains?!

I wish the OP's kids could comment on this thread and share their experience of what is like to share their life with "step mum", after all they're the ones who have to put up with her long term, not us.

And indeed their mother's behavior. I suspect that there will be years of therapy in their future.

@Liorae therapy? For trying to go to work? What a bizarre comment. She'd made perfectly valid plans for her dc. What did she actually do wrong that will warrant her kids needing therapy 😂

but what lowlife refuses a 7 & 9 year old kids from their doorstep?

The children were on the doorstep WITH THEIR MOTHER, it's not like they were alone and abandoned at 4am in a blizzard FFS .....

She didn't make the plans with the person on which she was trying to foist the children, and she knew that very well.

She didn't make the plans with the person on which she was trying to foist the children, and she knew that very well.

Yep, she was p*ssed off with her ex (understandably) so decided the step mum should solve the problem. The ex has upset the OP, so the OP decides to upset his wife ....

Not only did she not make plans with the person she expected to care for her children, she also texted, continually knocked and generally frothed that the SM didn’t jump to attention at her command. She then came on here to call the SM a . If that’s more widely indicative of her behaviour then I wouldn’t say that’s a particularly great environment for the kids, would you @bigmol?

Obki no, the ex and the step mum. I refuse to believe he didn't tell her he'd be out and that the kids were coming

So he tells her and she just has to obey?

Because it's pretty clear she never agreed to have the kids.

You can't just tell someone you're out and the kids are coming and expect them to be ok with that. What if she had wanted to go out.

i’ll leave this here.

Although I might have phrased it as ‘stop blaming women for not compensating for men’s inadequacies’.

Given he forgot he’d said he’d do it (letting his ex down), why assume he let his wife know what he’d said he’d do?

even if he did, there’s a big difference between ‘I’ve said I’ll have my kids on Sunday’ (with him being there to do what he’d promised and look after his children) and ‘I’ve told me ex, I’ll have the kids on Sunday but you’re going to be looking after them because I’m off to work’ (and swanning off having magnanimously decided his wife would be doing something without consulting her).

He’s a shit on several levels. His wife is very sensible to have a clear boundary of not picking up when he’s made promises he intends her to keep in his stead. His ex also need to stop seeing her as an extension of him and being angry with her because he’s not there to do what he said he’d do.

Ultimately it’s much better for the children to have a father who steps up for them, rather than leaving it all to the women. Or (as so many former SC posts often illustrate) to learn to hold their father responsible for the ways in which he lets them down, rather than projecting it on to their stepmother.

@Liorae and that warrants therapy, how? She made the plans with the dc father. Who fucked up by forgetting. How in any way is that the op's fault? Utterly bonkers.

It's a very sad world we live in these days.

It’s extremely telling that you’re not interested in the step-mum’s point of view at all.

Wouldn’t you like to hear her side?

Wouldn’t you like to hear her side?

You kind of have. Plenty of us who are stepmums have said we don’t condone her behaviour and wouldn’t do it.

Errrr no. That's not her side at all.

If anyone wants cheering up after this shitshow of stepmum abuse, come over to the Step Parenting board and read my thread.