am I being unreasonable to think she's an absolute ****

[ooominn]

This happened yesterday but I'm still so angry about it.

I asked my ex about a week ago if he was alright with me going to work Sunday night as overtime (not usually his night with the kids but he said it was fine). We don't speak much unless about the kids (7&9) so hadn't really said anything else about it.

Came to drop them off on the way last night and he wasn't in. Tried ringing he wasn't answering then got some rushed reply saying he was at work and he'd forgotten and that I should have reminded him.

His wife's car was on the drive and the lights were on so tried knocking and ringing her, firstly she pretended to not hear the door or miraculously any of our calls and then when I finally got hold of her she said ex hadn't mentioned anything and refused to have them.

I had to go home in the end and cancel my shift at short notice fucking over my boss and colleagues.

I'm so annoyed though and want to message her asking what kind of step mother would refuse to let her stepkids in when they were on the door step. My ex is a POS too in this situation I know but seriously why wouldn't you just agree to let them in for the night considering it was her husband who fucked up??

WIBU to message her? AIBU to be mad? Or is it just nothing to do with her as she said last night.

My ex said afterwards she was tired lol.

Who wrote the contract that contains this clause?

That is solely the responsibility of the mother that her kids were very (temporarily, and with her) stood on the doorstep!

You have no idea why she didn’t answer.

No idea at all.

And if relations have previously been good between then, it would suggest there is a good reason for it.

I really can’t understand why people are being over emotional about this and not thinking rationally.
Fair enough you have your own issues with step mums but everyone has their own boundaries and it’s important women are able to stand up to situations they deem to be taking the piss.
Whatever that situation is.
Clearly this is a problem caused by the parents and SM has every right to leave them to it.
These weren’t orphans arriving at the doorstep they were with there with their mother and SM knew it wasn’t something she wanted to be involved in. I’m guessing OP has form for this and SM won’t take it and because OP has such low respect for SM she just couldn’t handle being ignored. Not thinking ‘hang on maybe i need to give her some respect and text her the situation’ before I try to dump and run.
Nope she wasn’t worthy of that in OP’s
eyes so deal with it.
Like other pp have mentioned who does she think she is arriving at a woman’s house and making demands on her time just because the SM is married to her ex.
What planet are we on and remind me where in the marriage contract it states she is now another legal guardian that needs to step up at the click of the parents’ fingers.
Just because you say you would be happy to do it, don’t expect other women to do especially when you don’t know any backstory which im certain there is.
I mean it’s like women in my community who are happy to baby their husbands and do all the domestic work, clear up his mess but look down on those of us that don’t.
It’s a strange mindset.
But these type of women will act like it’s written in legislation that it’s a woman’s job to do x y z just because they’re in a situation and another woman doesn’t want to be in it.
Everyone is free to make their own choice in this country thankfully, if the dad is unhappy he can break up with her.
If the kids were dumped on the doorstep by the mum with no prior agreement from SM and SM didn’t open the door I wonder who would be the one to get done for neglect or a safeguarding referral if the kids told the school. Chances are the husband probably told her she was well within her rights to ignore her or maybe she was teaching him a lesson too.
I’m sure we’ve all put people back in their place when we feel they’ve overstepped the mark, no different here.
There are two parents with legal responsibility, the SP can do whatever they’ve agreed as a couple, the exes don’t dictate what the spouses of their exes can and can’t do and like I mentioned in my pp, these sort of demands are largely only put on women but most women nowadays can see when someone is taking the piss and they can put their foot down because they have choices these days, which is sad for some who want women to remain in their lowly place of free childcare when it suits.
It also makes me laugh how OP says how her lovely partner would do it, I would love a situation where he ex goes and dumps the kids on her partner, see what will happen there and why was he not given this role in the first place seeing as he’s so lovely.
Oh wait…

It wasn't in my wedding vows

If, heaven forbid, one of my DSC got involved in an accident and needed medical treatment I, as their stepmum, would be unable to consent to this. Therefore all this "when you get married you share responsibility for the kids" is bullshit.

I raised that point ages ago but it was dismissed almost immediately.

Stepdad has zero responsibility in this situation, his excuse for not being able to look after his partners children is 100% unquestionably valid, unlike that of a stepmum who just wanted to make the OP and kids suffer apparently 🙄

Adding extraneous and random exclamation marks rarely adds anything to the strength of the point being argued. Doing so looks extremely unprofessional.

It's still misogynistic, but that's for another thread.

Surely you discussed it? We would both have walked away if the other wasn’t prepared prepared to look out for the other’s kids.

Yes we discussed it. He insisted he did the parenting and I help as and when I want and thay will never be assumed. The two of them carry on as if me and the ex's partner don't exist. We do them favours but they are favours.

YANBU it is absolutely your ex's fuck up but she wasn't being a very good step mum (I'd understand a bit if she didn't consider herself their step mum just their dad's girlfriend or something, but that doesn't sound like the case)

Looking out for his kids does not mean being the dogsbody for him and his ex and being childcare - without any consultation - whenever it suits either of them. Does it?

Marrying someone doesn’t make you their servant. It certainly doesn’t make you their ex’s servant.

Such a sad thread and a sad reflection on society in general really. There is so much 'not my problem' attitude. So much 'you're entitled to think she should help you.' Very little empathy or willingness to help out just for the sake of being nice. In blended families it must be so obvious to the kids as well.

My childs stepmother doesn't have to help him make birthday cards for me. She doesn't have to pick him up when my ex is working late. She doesn't have to make him hot chocolates or look after him when he's ill. But she does these things because she's a wonderful mum and stepmum and I'm so glad that he has her to care for him when he's at his dads. I would be heartbroken if I felt like she acted as if looking after him as an inconvenience. The same goes for my dh. It's not always been a perfect setup and we have all had disagreements over the years but ultimately we work together and help one another out and dc have benefitted from it. I feel so sorry for the kids involved in some of these scenarios.

@bigmol it’s great it works for you all but why is the step mum doing all those things and not your son’s father? And why would you be heartbroken if she didn’t do those things and his own dad did them for him? It’s a sad reflection on society that society still thinks this is a woman’a job first and foremost, to the extent that you would be heartbroken if she didn’t do them.

*What a lot of semantics.

You are suggesting that deliberately and callously being left on the doorstep of your fathers home by your step mother matters less if you're younger? And you have less of a right to see your parents home as your home at an age when arguably you are more vulnerable, understand less and you need it most?

FWIW and as an aside it well known that when children are young they believe that everything is about them. They are the centre. There's a term for it. Anyway it effectively means they are far more likely to draw negative conclusions and internalise shit like this.*

What a load of hyperbole.

The children were not 'callously' left on the doorstep. Their mum got them out of the car. She then took them home.

Mum could quite easily have dealt with this without the children being aware of anything other than 'daddy got his days mixed up'. That's all they needed to know.

Way to miss the point @Obki.

His dad does do them, they do them together. As a family. In the scenario the op has described I know she wouldn't think twice about welcoming ds in because she views him as part of the family. The same applies to my dh.
I would be heartbroken if I felt he was going somewhere where he wasn't being made to feel like part of the family. Because even subtle differences can be picked up on by kids and point blank refusing to answer the door to them is far from subtle.
I realise not every family works this way and that there are loads of reasons why the dynamics between parents, ex's and stepparents might be more tricky but ultimately when we're all done arguing over who is BU and whose responsibility it is, it's the kids who suffer because they are made to feel like a problem and an inconvenience.
Blended families are rarely straightforward but I'm pleased ours works in a way that prioritises my ds.

Actually, I think the post she was responding to was incredibly ironic given how little evidence of empathy or respect or any human decency from the OP, in her ire at not just getting what she wanted.

And it is interesting how this children stuff is just women’s work for so many posters. Not their father. He’s a man so we can’t expect him to do things. She married him, the contract is to do all the wife work.

@SudocremOnEverything not at all. Notice the use of the word 'family'. That means helping each other out occasionally. The op wasn't particularly nice or respectful in her post but let's hope she came here to vent rather than saying it all to the stepmum.

There's a lot of bitterness on this thread. It's depressing.

Agreed. As a stepmom myself I'd have had them unless I really couldn't spare the time. I'd be mad at my partner and tell him so, as he could've put it in his phone diary, and I'd be less sympathetic next time he moaned about ex re her not spending money on something for the kids (well she would be better able to of you stood by your agreements). As women we have to remember that how our partners treat their ex gives a hint as to how we may be treated if things went wrong. Yes the ex may have done things for him to be mad about which explain some treatment but when it comes to the kids a man should be able to act appropriately including not forgetting stuff like this. If I couldnt look after them I'd expect him to recompense her to a degree at least for the lost work opportunity as it isnt fair.

Haven't rtft but if any other relative stopped children entering their own home there'd be nobody thinking it's fine. If I was at my cousin's house babysitting and didn't let his other unexpected children in, because I'd only agreed to look after the youngest... Well it's hard to imagine isn't it. My cousin's definitely a twat in that scenario, but pretty sure my whole family would be pissed off with me if I did something so bizarre.

I find it really odd that stepmums get to be in the family and not in the family at the same time. I married the man, I didn't marry his children is a mad saying. It's like saying I work for my boss, not the janitor - so I wouldn't report a leak in the office surely if you love your husband you don't refuse his children entry into their home? If a husband of mine did that to my kids we'd be divorced very quickly.

@bigmol I do think the emphasis in your post was that the step-mum does all those things but you have clarified the dad does too so I accept that.

I’m not a step-mum so I have no skin in the game and I’m not bitter. Insisting those of us sticking up for this step-mum are bitter isn’t really nice either. You have no idea what I’m like in real life but I shower love on those I love, whether they’re my family or friends, whether they’re adopted or step or half siblings. I think it’s because of this rather than despite this that I see that step-mums often get a hard time on MN.

It also makes me laugh how OP says how her lovely partner would do it, I would love a situation where he ex goes and dumps the kids on her partner, see what will happen there and why was he not given this role in the first place seeing as he’s so lovely.
Oh wait…

LOL. Can you imagine an ex husband doing something like this to his ex wife’s partner? Holy fuck, there would be hell to pay I bet.

Going baxk to the OP - when I finally got hold of her she said ex hadn't mentioned anything and refused to have them. I would assume the SM didn't known Ex was meant to have them so wasn't sure what was going on and rather than get involved in a drama just went nope I'm staying of it

This

Well, I don’t see how you’d be in wrong for declining to care for more children than you agreed to, but this situation is more akin to you being in your own home, looking after your own child, and your cousin turns up expecting you to look after her kids too.

Maybe your family would be pissed at you in such a scenario, but whether that’s a problem for you is up to you 🤷🏻‍♀️