am I being unreasonable to think she's an absolute ****

[ooominn]

This happened yesterday but I'm still so angry about it.

I asked my ex about a week ago if he was alright with me going to work Sunday night as overtime (not usually his night with the kids but he said it was fine). We don't speak much unless about the kids (7&9) so hadn't really said anything else about it.

Came to drop them off on the way last night and he wasn't in. Tried ringing he wasn't answering then got some rushed reply saying he was at work and he'd forgotten and that I should have reminded him.

His wife's car was on the drive and the lights were on so tried knocking and ringing her, firstly she pretended to not hear the door or miraculously any of our calls and then when I finally got hold of her she said ex hadn't mentioned anything and refused to have them.

I had to go home in the end and cancel my shift at short notice fucking over my boss and colleagues.

I'm so annoyed though and want to message her asking what kind of step mother would refuse to let her stepkids in when they were on the door step. My ex is a POS too in this situation I know but seriously why wouldn't you just agree to let them in for the night considering it was her husband who fucked up??

WIBU to message her? AIBU to be mad? Or is it just nothing to do with her as she said last night.

My ex said afterwards she was tired lol.

But are you saying a 7 and 9 year old could be left in a house themselves? Obviously not, so there is an element of childcare required

Just being in the same house isn’t childcare.

All this discussion over a reverse 🤦🏼‍♀️

I don't get what you mean? You're saying the stepmum wouldn't need to do any caring? But the children can't be left alone, precisely because young children need care? You're contradicting yourself.

Don't know about other households, but late evening/bedtime is one of the most draining part of the day. Getting 3 young kids to bed solo is the exact opposite of 'not providing childcare'.

I don't think it is a reverse. Unless you are the long gone OP?

Maybe because she needs money to support them? Cost of living crisis and all that. Sounds like it was an evening/night shift so hardly missing out on spending time with them.

The dad had agreed to have them. Those were the plans. He fucked up and his wife refused to step in to make up for his mistake. Granted she doesn't have to but it hardly smacks of a supportive, loving family setup.

Sad really.

I'm just amused by the thought of a 7 year old completely sorting themselves out of an evening to the point where no childcare would be required.

Normally I think people baby kids on MN, so this is a first!

I’m not questioning whether mum was right or wrong to take on an extra shift. I’m talking specifically from the children’s internalised perception which MN alleges they’ll be absolutely fine with mum “choosing” to work over choosing to be with them, yet traumatised by their SM choosing not to look after them on that particular occasion.

No, she doesn’t have to. That’s all there is to it.

OP having to work is not the stepmother’s problem. Her husband forgetting his children is not the stepmother’s problem. ‘Loving and supportive’ does not mean always being on hand to fix your spouse’s fuck up, or indeed expecting your spouse to fix your fuck up with no thought to the impact it has on them.

Are you actually joking?
I mean really.

You are suggesting that kids ages 7 and 9 don’t need a responsible adult around at all times to take care of them.

Newsflash everyone - you can just plonk your 7 and 9 year olds in front of the TV and not give them a second thought.

And it doesn’t matter if it’s ‘all consuming’ or not!

She didn’t want to do it, hadn’t agreed to do it and was not obliged to do it.

It’s unbelievable isn’t it.
Says a lot about that poster and how she cares for her own children.

In a scenario where I know my DH has told his ex he's not at home to care for his children, and I know that I have not offered to have them instead, and his ex knows that but continues to knock on my door, I would assume her intention in doing so would be to either:

a) have a go at me
b) try and persuade / force me to change my mind; or
c) shove the children through the door and leg it.

None of which I wish to deal with, especially in this scenario on a Sunday night with my own small DC at home. My DH has already given her all the information she needs to move ahead with her evening. Why would I answer the door?

I'm assuming relations are not as cordial as OP may have implied. I've never had a fall out with DPs ex as I just stay out of her way, but shes pulled enough stunts over the years for me to be not remotely inclined to be face to face with her if avoidable, or do her favours.

The OP is not her ex’s wife’s responsibility. I bet neither of them consider the other as ‘family’ at all.

The woman didn’t marry the OP. The OP’s finances are not her responsibility.

And she’s not responsible for her husband forgetting to fulfil commitments he’s made to other people either. He is.

I still can't get over people thinking the SM is more obligated to look after the children for the OP than the OP's own partner.

If your childcare falls through (I.e. the children's other parent) then it should be your own partner you ask. Your teammate. The children's other father, apparently 🙄 .

The more I read this thread the more I’m shocked ! And I work with divorces daily but wow ! Some of the step mums here are horrendous! As a step mum myself I took on my partners children’s as well as him when we became partners as he has done with mine . I would never do this to his children and although one of them is now a young adult he knows and has called at any time of the day and night if he needs help and it would never even cross my mind not to help ! The same way I would help my own . Sorry but anyone that doesn’t see their step children as their responsibility too is absolutely wrong !

Worrying to think that someone that works in the field genuinely thinks they can say something that is clearly subjective and will vary from family to family is outright "wrong". Your way is not the only way, there is not only one type of family out there. You should know that.

I agree. I have no experience of being a step parent but lots of experience of being child in blended families. Both of the partners my mum had whilst I lived at home together acted like second fathers when it was called for. Looking after me whilst my mum was away, encouraging and facilitating my hobbies and taking me to university open days without my mum.

The father of my older half sisters also used to have me round for meals and to stay whilst I was in College in his town.

I have a real dad too BTW and they were careful not to be replacing him. He never introduced me to any partners and mostly lived on location. But if he had had partners I'd hope they would have been as generous as my mum's.

Surely you expect to care for the children of your partner when you become involved with someone with children? Obviously their parent is the primary carer but as a step parent you are significant in the children's lives whether you like it or not.

Even if your husband makes decisions that involve you without talking to you first? Would your husband not even tell you, would he actually leave you to find out about his plans for you until the day the children turn up on the doorstep? Because that's not a partnership. That's not how a team works.

I am not sure why your anger is aimed at someone who knew nothing about the agreement. It was your ex who fucked up, no one else. It is one thing that the ex forgot, but he actually didn't even run it passed his wife at all, so this is all on him.
Also the lol at at the end of the sentence saying she's tired is odd, what is funny about being tired?

All this "whether you like it or not" talk completely fails to take into account that actually there are no rules on this, and all families are totally free to decide for themselves what being a step parent means. It could be a lot, or very little. There is no "whether you like it or not". People decide for themselves.

What upsets me about the stepmothers reaction is is this how she treats the children while they are there? Are they welcome in their Dad's house? Doe they consider it a home? If she won't let them in because her partner isn't there, how does she interact with them? Do nice things with them and their sister and their Dad? Or is it all the Dad has to take them out ? It's sad that she doesn't see them as part of the family, not as her children but maybe like nieces would be treated-you know, with a bit of love and understanding and kindness. Obviously I'm out of touch on how stepchildren can expect to be treated. Because it's the children this affects the most.

Regardless of the rights and wrongs of this individual case if you are a professional in this field you seem incapable of viewing matters objectively.

The amount of exclamation marks is bizarre from a supposed professional.

Obviously, the main person at fault is the ex.

However, I don't know why people are justifying the actions of the stepmother.

She saw OP and kids at the door. Her first reaction isn't to open the door but instead to phone ex. From that, she finds out that they're at the door because her husband has messed up and he was supposed to have the children as OP is supposed to be at work. She then decides she doesn't want to deal with it so doesn't have decency to tell OP and just ignores the door. I think that's bad. If you really couldn't take the children at least be respectful and answer the door. It's not like OP turned up out of the blue hoping to dump children on her.

At least you know where you stand with her OP.

However, I don't know why people are justifying the actions of the stepmother.

She did tell OP she can't have them. And lots of people have explained why SM may not have opened the door. What did you not understand?

Wow, so much hate directed at someone when all you've all heard is one side of the story!

OP you have said your relationship with her is usually fine, you've never had issues with her in the past. Therefore isn't it more likely that this incident (which appears to be out of character) indicates that something more was going on in the step mums life that made her unwilling to take on childcare responsibilities completely out of the blue?

Perhaps she had issues with her family, problems with her own child, a migraine, was feeling unwell, stressful day at work - a million reasons why she felt overwhelmed and unable to deal in that moment.

You outlined your own stresses but haven't a clue what was going on in her life, so maybe consider the fact that this was out of character and #bekind eh?