Should I invite her over to meet her new niece ? Or be done with her?

[BlueBunny23]

So to cut a long story short… me and my partner have two children. A son and a brand new baby girl, when I got pregnant with my son, my partners brother and his fiancée found out and the brother was real happy for us, the fiancee on the other hand wasn’t and blocked us on social media and blanked us when we bumped into her, the brother apologised and claimed he didn’t know what was up with her. When son was born we invited them over and fiancée stayed in the car glaring at her partner holding his brand new nephew who I believe was 3 days old at the time give or take. We didn’t speak for 2 years after this when she bumped into us and told me about her fertility issues and her many miscarriages. She explained seeing me pregnant was so difficult for her, I forgave her and we became friends again, she told me she’s always wanted a daughter and if I’d of had a daughter she couldn’t have coped.
I found out earlier this year I was pregnant and we later found out it was a girl, when we announced the news I was again blocked on social media until last week when she readied me when my baby was 1 week old she’s now 2 weeks old. She hasn’t liked any of my baby pictures, she hasn’t messaged to ask if I’m ok or if baby is ok.
so my partner wants his brother to come see the baby and his brother wants too….. so he’s going to come alone and Not tell fiancee.
im annoyed she hasn’t messaged me or liked a baby photo of her new niece….. so I feel perhaps if I invited her over then she wouldn’t want too, my partner thinks I should block her and not bother with her at all and that we should just enjoy our baby and our children regardless weather she’s family or not. I feel if I invited her over to meet the baby it would almost be like rubbing her nose in it, would this be the case? Should I invite her over and try to make a things work? Or just leave her to come around or just simply block her and move on with my life?

Oh and wanting her to “like” your SM photos sounds really lame. You’re a mother not a teenager.

Given her previous reaction, did you let her find out via SM too? Or did the emotionally unintelligent boyfriend let her know sensitively at the request of his brother, your husband?

Cos the way it’s written makes it sound like you just vomited it out on SM and didn’t think of her at all.

Just have a relationship with your husbands brother. Or more like let your husband manage his relationship with his brother. Only reason you're in contact with the fiancée is because she is engaged to the brother. There is really no need to nurture that relationship. No need to block anyone. Just invite the brother and she will show up or she won't.

I have no idea why u would need family members to like your baby photos , how old r u 12?! if she is having fertility issues then obviously there is clear reason why she is struggling with your family. And also don't understand why u need to block her? Surely u just get on with life and if she can cope further on then welcome her. She isn't being rude she is struggling because of not being able to be pregnant herself and have a family which she wants. Your partner shows super immature also , poor sister in law

She's told you what the problem was, just leave her be.

She knows your ok because BIL knows and her not liking your baby pics doesn't mean anything.

She's struggling, you obviously don't understand so just move on, no need to block.

Yep this. No need to block, just leave her alone.

I think you need to appreciate she's struggling. Does it really matter that she's not liked any of your baby photos? You have your baby, she's healthy and so are you. If your db wants to come and see the baby, then great but that's his issue to deal with, not yours. Enjoy the time with your newborn and stop investing all this energy in being annoyed with someone who's struggling with her own issues. I'd also go so far as being there when she eventually reaches out, I don't think there's anything you need to 'forgive'. She's not been horrid to you, she's just not reacted to your baby the way you want her to.

Don't let her make you feel bad. There's lots of reason s why women can't have babies and I've never understood why that should mean they resent anyone who has had a baby and not be happy for them. It's for her to work out with a therapist. I wanted kids for ten years but couldn't because of relationship circumstance but I could still enjoy other people's children. She is missing out but it's her choice.

Mmm infertility is obviously terrible but I never understand why people have to accept rude and shitty behaviour because of it. Honestly, how hard would it have been to send a text saying “congratulations on your new baby and I hope you both are doing well. As you know I’ve been struggling for some time with my fertility and its going to be difficult for me to look at photos or come to visit at the moment so I’m deleting social media for a while and will probably keep my distance. I hope you understand and I hope in time I will feel differently.” I don’t think you need to block her OP but I also think she is being a bit of an arsehole.

Why should she need to write an essay out everytime someone has a baby.

Well the OP is not some randomer that’s had a baby. She’s part of her fiancé’s family. I think it’s very basic courtesy to send one text message in this situation.

She's clearly really struggling with her own ongoing grief and loss and is struggling to be faced with all the things she has lost in the midst of your happiness. I think in an ideal world she would be able to set all that loss and pain and grief aside and stick on a happy face for your benefit but realistically I think we all know that's a lot easier said than done. I think you need to show her some compassion and grace because she's not just had a miscarriage and moved on from it, she's still smack bang in the middle of a really painful journey of disappointment and loss and she's obviously trying her best to protect herself by blocking you so she doesn't need to see pictures when she can't face them etc. I think you invite them both and continue just as you normally would and hopefully at some stage she'll either have a successful pregnancy and you can reconnect or she'll hopefully process her pain and accept that they might need a different way to form a family. You can't expect her to be a robot and just pretend like it's all fine when seeing you happy in your baby bubble when it's all she wants in the world and it's not working out for them.

No need to do anything. Leave it to your DH to sort out with his brother about seeing the new baby.

I would leave her alone, she doesn’t want to be part of it.

This. Totally.
Your b-I-l can of course visit and make the decision whether to tell her he’s visiting or not (would be a very strange relationship if he’s not able to tell her, in my opinion).
Just enjoy your baby ☺️

I don't think it is necessary for her to have to explain yet again that she is uncomfortable around babies right now. OP should know this by now.

It is pretty hard watching your other half hood someone’s baby knowing he should be holding yours/his own but you lost your baby. Can’t imagine how it would be if it happened multiple times. Give her space to work it out herself. It’s not you she’s mad at, it’s not the kids either. She’s upset with the hand she’s been dealt. Your brother in law seemingly not knowing how much she’s struggling with it is a bit hmm though.

I found it hard meeting new babies when I was struggling with long term infertility. The pain was like my chest was being crushed. And yet that makes me a horrible person according to some on this thread. There is such a lack of compassion and understanding.

Unless you've been through infertility you can't even comprehend how painful it is. It's a grief that doesn't get better, it only gets worse. It's not something you expect to happen and it's lonely as other people can't understand and make stupid comparisons.

I suffered infertility through most of my 30s. Admittedly I coped quite well as I'm not the most maternal person and I had my two nephews who my life revolved around, it probably would have been different for me had I not had them. They are my sisters children and born before we started TTC. But some of the woman I spoke to during that time, they were absolutely broken.

My best friend also had infertility and by chance we ended up doing IVF at the same time she had a child and I had a miscarriage. I still met up with her but I have to admit that every meet up for the first few years filled me with dread, i was ok when we were together but then I'd dread seeing her again. It was really really hard. Then she got pregnant accidently a few years later, I had nightmares the night before her 12 week scan. Don't get me wrong I only wished for happiness for her but it highlighted my pain all over again. It was unbearable. But by some miracle I found myself pregnant a few months later and now we have children of a similar age. So I was one of the lucky ones and I'm grateful every day.

Cut your SIL some slack. Don't block her, just enjoy your children and move on with your life. She must be in hell. Let her come to you and be open when she does. Be the bigger person.

This

I've not rtft but I was once your sil. I reacted differently in that I forced myself to visit and see all the new babies born whilst I was struggling but it was the hardest thing. My friends and family were truly amazing. No one expected me to gush or like photos - they let me do things at my pace. No one expected me to cuddle their babies or say/do anything - I remember I gave the crappest gifts as I couldn't face baby clothes shops (and this was before online shopping was as easy as it is now).

The kindest thing you could do would be to send a message saying "I love you. I know how hard this must be for you. You're welcome here any time" and let her go at her own speed. It sounds as though she wants a relationship with you all so try and be generous to her now when she can't be to you.

I have now read the thread. I think it's first that some people don't have the empathy to understand why this is hard and I was obviously incredibly lucky in my friends and family. Honestly, anyone who takes this personally (the fact that she "doesn't want to meet her niece/nephew/whoever") is being a bit of a dick. As someone said upthread, the grief over infertility doesn't get easier with time but grows every time someone else has a baby and every time the woman gets a year older etc - please give her some time to get her head around this and I'm sure she will appreciate it.

Hang on... she told you about her fertility issues and that she desperately wanted a girl. You forgave her. Then you find out you're having a girl, and 'announce it'. Apologies if I have missed a bit, but did anyone think to have a quiet worth with her fiancé first so he could gently prepare her? Because clearly this is incredibly difficult and raw for her- so I can see that, given your previous discussion, this must have felt very insensitive to her.

Congratulations, by the way.

On a previous thread and you've made many about this and only posted one comment on all of them; you said she has been trying for a baby for 15 years... that's a long time. Enjoy your baby but don't expect her to change

The not liking pictures thing is pretty childish, drop it if you're not 14.

Don't block her, just let her do what she wants. She's hurting massively.

You don't need to block her. Just leave her alone and let the brother come over quietly without any photos/social media involvement!

Can you see how her devastation at the infertility/MCs is pretty hefty compared to your hurt feelings that she isn't interested in her niece? Thank your lucky stars that your positions aren't reversed.

It would be like having a starving person over to your lovely banquet and telling them they can look at the food, maybe even touch it, but they can't eat it and still have to starve.