To want to be independent although in-laws are well off and want to help

[NoWayJosèNotToday]

Firstly, the people I'm talking about here, my in-laws, are really nice people. I do like them but I don't know why I feel so strongly about this. I want to know if it's me being weird or if it is reasonable.

In-laws are quite well off and want to spend their money on us (my husband is their only child so I get they want the best for him) like wanting to buy our flight tickets (business class), sponsoring holidays, buying things for our house like air conditioners etc. I obviously appreciate smaller gifts on birthdays, Christmas and some clothes for kids when they've been abroad but anytime else they spend money on us, it just drives me nuts because I feel like it controls me, and my family. Also, indirect things like bringing lots of snacks when coming to visit.

I get it that they have the money to spend but I want to raise my kids humbly (so learn to go without something until we can afford it) and I want us to be independent and not weighed down.

I don't want to ask them for anything as it feels like I will owe them or that I can't be upfront with them about things I don't like because I have to be grateful and keep my mouth shut. They bought us ACs for our house and it took me so long to feel like using it. It was so useful during the hot summer but the fact that they bought it for us makes me feel like I've to now "behave". I mean I am nice to them anyways and we get along fine but just feels like I am compelled to be extra nice.

I am a very opinionated person so if I don't like something I will say so. Like I have asked my MIL not to buy me things (she used to get me lots of things all the time and I was overwhelmed!). I also am particular about how I want to raise our kids so if something isn't right, I will say so for e.g. asking for consent before kissing my kids or giving them freedom (raising them montessori-way). But when they do us a favour or spend money on us, I feel like I lose the right to correct them or to hold anything against them or even have any negative thoughts about them at all! I feel guilty just writing this post as I'm thinking about all the things they've done for us (with/without us asking for it) and how I shouldn't be feeling this way. My husband is very comfortable just asking for help if needed so I feel really alone in this.

I really, really wish I had had this problem...

I think part of the issue is that you're viewing everything as transactional rather than freely given generosity. You think that because they've given x you now owe something to them in return. A way to maybe address it could be for dh to sit down with them and say you appreciate all they do but you don't necessarily need the help but suggest that maybe they put a little money in trust for your children as they grow up instead so they can use that to help them go to college/ get a house/ for rainy day or whatever. I'm not sure how they'd take it or how comfortable the conversation would be but it might be worth a try? I think it's lovely that as grandparents they want to be so involved and since you do get on with them and they're nice people then I think you need to figure out a way to compromise so they don't feel shut out, but you don't feel so overwhelmed by their generosity. I'm going on the assumption that they've never said or done anything to make you feel like they are expecting something in return for doing things for you guys.

My PILs are similar - very generous. I found it odd at first (even before DS, they used to do unsolicited CostCo shops and pay for holidays for us - we weren't exactly struggling at the time either 🤨😂). DH just rolled his eyes at it all - not because he was ungrateful, but because he knew there was no point arguing. I did try at first but never won. It really is PILs (well, MILs to be precise) love language. She loves to spoil. I do tell her what I do and don't appreciate, so her money isn't wasted, but now, when I get texts asking me what size clothes/shoes ds currently is, or does he need anything for the garden, a winter coat etc, I just tell her. She knows we don't struggle financially, she just enjoys it, so I let her.

My goodness! If I were you I'd be dropping hints about getting a new Porsche, I'd even say how tiring things are lately and say something about how lovely it would be to have a trip to a Caribbean island to just rest and recuperate without the kids for a week or two. I'd even mention a nice flat I saw for sale near Park Lane. Any semblance of shame would leave my body.

Some people (me 😁) love to give gifts to the people we love. I especially love it because when my daughter, nephew and niece were young, I didn't have any spare cash, so couldn't treat them very often.

It hurt me when my sister asked me not to buy Xmas and birthday presents for nephew and niece, just for their children. I don't buy to get. And I've certainly got no expectation of any favourable behaviour because of it. I just like to do nice things for people I love, and I can afford to do it. By denying me this, they are actually denying me a small, but significant, pleasure.

as said upthread, I think, op, you are seeing the gifts as a transaction. They may not be they may just be a way of showing love.

Presumably you and your DH will inherit after they die? Will you refuse the inheritance? My DH and I are comfortably off and enjoy treating our DC and DGC. There are no strings attached but we would far rather see them enjoying the money now than after we are gone.

I totally get it

Jesus Christ. You sound really uphill.
Utterly joyless.

You sound like a pain in the arse. They are your husband’s parents, your children’s grandparents. It isn’t just about your thoughts and feelings.

YABVU. And this:

I am a very opinionated person so if I don't like something I will say so.

Is you being exceptionally rude. You need to learn some basic manners.

Also the raising your children “humbly” ?
Okay nobody likes a spoilt brat but are you sure you’re not being disingenuous?

I mean it sounds like your children will eventually inherit. Trying to appear to be skint when you’re not is every bit as much an affectation as its opposite.

Given ur husband is their only child, they just want to spoil him and his family so u don't have to struggle. You should see this as an early inheritance and tax avoidance. Spend it on u all now, so there's not so much left at the end for Mr taxman. Enjoy your Inlaws and their kindness and generosity. Just be grateful they care enough. On the flip side, u could have uncaring in laws who spent every penny on themselves and totally ignore u all. You'd hate that and you'd be posting a completely different topic.

It's their way of showing love. If you've not grown up with that, or your experience of people giving you things has had a downside or been transactional, I imagine that it's hard for you to understand.

I love helping my kids out. They're not spoiled and we lived fairly frugally when they were children. But now I'm in a better financial position, and they're at a stage where every penny counts (especially now). I want their lives to be easier, and for them to feel more secure. So though I'm probably not as well off as your in-laws, I enjoy helping out. I'm also another who'd be sad if I was asked not to buy presents.
I love them and this is how I show it. On the other hand I'm not good at the sentimental side of things and sprinkling conversation with 'love you's and so on (though they know I do)

I get it. Nothing worse than having diamond slippers that are too tight. Sad times op. Sad times.

Just enjoy it. I imagine they genuinely want to just buy things for you and your family and don’t expect anything back. I recently bought a few things for DS girlfriend just because she needed them for a particular sport she is now doing with me (she and her family could easily afford these). I’m happy to do it and expect nothing in return. Just enjoy it and don’t question every purchase. If MIL was asking or expecting specific things in return that would be different, until then take it in the spirit it’s offered.

What a rude and stupid comment.

Some people are independent and aren't comfortable with being given lots of stuff.

Not just for financial reasons but also because they don't want to overconsume or accumulate lots of things and just because OP's partner has a relationship like this with his parents doesn't mean that dynamic has to rule her house and family.

If you feel bad donate what they give or financial equivalent to charity

But when they do us a favour or spend money on us, I feel like I lose the right to correct them or to hold anything against them or even have any negative thoughts about them at all!

Is there some kind of back story in your life before you meet your husband, that explains why you feel this way?
I'd be horrified if either of my son's in law thought that about the help I've given. It wouldn't occur to me to expect anything back. Once I've given something I've given it. I don't dwell on the fact that I've done something for them or expect any kind of particular behaviour from then in return.

Given that your in-laws are nice people, I imagine that they'd be horrified too.

It really isn’t thought is it? Only selfish idiots would see it like that. Climb down off your horse; it’s way too high for you

How is it selfish?

Surely it's also selfish to assume you know what's best for someone and act in line with that, even though it actually makes them uncomfortable?

It's not about a high horse it's about having the emotional intelligence and maturity to understand different people/cultures approach money and financial dynamics differently and that doesn't mean your way is right so OP doesn't matter.

Are you the OP back with a different username because you aren’t getting the replies you thought you would?
It’s selfish because she is only thinking about how it makes her feel, not that it is her husband’s parents, who are doing a nice thing for their son and his family - apparently with no conditions attached. She didn’t have to marry into this wealthy family. She didn’t have to have children with a man who comes from a wealthy family - not if she doesn’t like the fact that his parents are, God forbid, generous. What a bunch of bastards!

I do understand as I'm also independent and don't like to ask for help (and I'm stubborn too).

However, I also enjoy giving gifts, so perhaps your in laws are the same.

Despite being independent, I can get upset as my in laws don't buy our children anything for Christmas or birthdays!

I'm not the OP I'm just someone who understands that it's not a normal family dynamic for one person to be expected to just adjust to the way one partner's family does things.

My in laws are like this. I'm more like OP. They never let us pay for a meal out, or anything. In my culture that's actually not polite.

But sure, go off - I guess only your opinion matters and people with other backgrounds can just suck it up. What a joy you are.

Yawn!

Are you always this ignorant and unwilling to accept that people in the world have different viewpoints, or is this just Mumsnet bravery? Either way... you might want to adjust that attitude if you're going to interact with other people in the world.