To want to be independent although in-laws are well off and want to help

[NoWayJosèNotToday]

Firstly, the people I'm talking about here, my in-laws, are really nice people. I do like them but I don't know why I feel so strongly about this. I want to know if it's me being weird or if it is reasonable.

In-laws are quite well off and want to spend their money on us (my husband is their only child so I get they want the best for him) like wanting to buy our flight tickets (business class), sponsoring holidays, buying things for our house like air conditioners etc. I obviously appreciate smaller gifts on birthdays, Christmas and some clothes for kids when they've been abroad but anytime else they spend money on us, it just drives me nuts because I feel like it controls me, and my family. Also, indirect things like bringing lots of snacks when coming to visit.

I get it that they have the money to spend but I want to raise my kids humbly (so learn to go without something until we can afford it) and I want us to be independent and not weighed down.

I don't want to ask them for anything as it feels like I will owe them or that I can't be upfront with them about things I don't like because I have to be grateful and keep my mouth shut. They bought us ACs for our house and it took me so long to feel like using it. It was so useful during the hot summer but the fact that they bought it for us makes me feel like I've to now "behave". I mean I am nice to them anyways and we get along fine but just feels like I am compelled to be extra nice.

I am a very opinionated person so if I don't like something I will say so. Like I have asked my MIL not to buy me things (she used to get me lots of things all the time and I was overwhelmed!). I also am particular about how I want to raise our kids so if something isn't right, I will say so for e.g. asking for consent before kissing my kids or giving them freedom (raising them montessori-way). But when they do us a favour or spend money on us, I feel like I lose the right to correct them or to hold anything against them or even have any negative thoughts about them at all! I feel guilty just writing this post as I'm thinking about all the things they've done for us (with/without us asking for it) and how I shouldn't be feeling this way. My husband is very comfortable just asking for help if needed so I feel really alone in this.

I agree.

There’s the saying, “money can’t buy happiness but it keeps the children close”.

It’s naive to think generosity is never used to buy gratitude or compliance. Posters can’t know whether that is the dynamic here from what you’ve said op.

Suggesting all gifts from now on go into an ISA or pension for your dc is a good way to defuse that dynamic.

I had an ex boyfriend whose Mother who got him or us anything held it over our heads and used it as a stick to beat us with... we ended up saying no to any help because of this.
When I met my now husband I was very nervous when his parents wanted to give gifts / help us with a deposit as I was worried that they would do what my ex's mother did but thankfully still to this day many years later they are lovely and generous and have never once held anything over our heads...
Is there a reason that you feel beholden, have they given you the impression that you owe them?
Unless they have I would say although hard try to change your frame of mind, I know with my own children I look forward to treating them like my PIL have treated us, pass the torch on and I won't feel they owe me anything either.
Trust and enjoy it unless they've given you a reason not to.

OP, you feel as if their generosity controls you, and yet you seek to control their wish to share their wealth and to control their wish to give.

You haven’t said that they pull strings or exert pressure as a result of these gifts, so am assuming that their generosity is just about wanting to give and share.

Are you a control freak? If so, why? What else are you afraid of?

Its great you are raising your child on Montessori principles, but children live in a big wide world, not a pedagogical environment. They make their own individual relationships with different people they love. You can’t dictate each detail of how family members interact with your children, you live in a family, not a cult! (I am not saying Montessori is a cult, I am saying it is cult like if all family transactions have to be based on the same script). Do you ask permission to kiss your DH?

Have a think about why this level of control matters to you, where no discernible harm is being done.

I get what you're saying OP. My daughter has married into a family like this and her inlaws like to spend money on them, but there are lots of strings attached. It's infantalising and controlling - like "you can't possibly buy a new kitchen without our input" kind of thing. My daughter hates it.

I've seen threads like this before where most people have agreed it's inappropriate and controlling and how they'd hate feeling beholden too. MN is funny sometimes. if you'd posted this on a different day you would have got a very different response.

Delighted that you're teaching DC about consent.

It does sound like this might be more in your head than theirs. It doesn't sound as if those gifts have strings.

Is there a bone you could throw them? My first thought would be a trust fund for uni education. If your dc could go through uni with no loans that would make as massive difference to their future standing.

You sound quite hard work OP

Maybe they want to give what they can now to reduce inheritance tax when they die? Maybe your dh could talk to them about setting up a trust or bank account for their grandchildren

But when they do us a favour

Stop asking them for favours then for a start.

You want to have your cake and eat it too.

Really, grandparents should ask your permission before they can kiss their grandchild??? So let me get this, they come to visit you and as child runs to grandma for a hug grandma says WAIT!!! I need permission, dear OP is it ok if I give her a kiss??

Then you say yes or maybe no depending on what, your mood? Then they say thank you your highness and give grandchild a kiss on the cheek?

Would they need to sign a waiver as well? You know to protect everyone involved?

PIL are very well off.
We had no wedding contribution or anything towards a house deposit (unlike SIL). The DC got £30 for their 18th birthday. Their money piles up with no one enjoying it, least of all them.
The gifts may not have strings now but wait until one is left alone, old and frail. You're already uncomfortable with it when both together, fit and well.
It's quite freeing to be beholden to no one.

She hasn't asked. She doesn't want their money so why would she ask for it?

My DS is an only child and will inherit when DH and I die. When we offer money or to buy something expensive for him and DIL its always to him because he, as our DS,is able to ask us not to, or to say quite rightly that he’d have to consult DIL first. If we mentioned it to her, bless her, she’d say yes because she’s polite even if she didn’t want whatever it was on offer.

The way we look at it is that DS (and DIL as his wife of course) will get everything of ours when we’re gone but then we wont be in a position to watch them enjoy it so we’d rather them give things now so we could see them enjoy them.

If DIL felt as OP did, DS would - lovingly - tell us so.

God you sound mentally unstable. Why shouldn't kids have bodily autonomy? Selfish and nasty to assume you're entitled to touch and kiss people however and whenever you would like.

Teaching kids about consent helps prevent awful situations. I can't believe how ignorant your comment is.

They may mean well OP, but I understand.

You are an adult and as an adult you don't wish to be receiving unasked for gifts, however well meaning.

I would suggest a college fund for each of your children be set up and when they are trying to push stuff on you, tell them gifting the children for their future education who be a wonderful gift.

The AC sounds like a very thoughtful gift designed to improve the comfort of your home for the whole family, but I do understand how you feel.

Perhaps talk to your husband about a middle ground.

I also am particular about how I want to raise our kids

Is their father not allowed an opinion then, it's only your opinion that counts?
As an only child he will presumably come into an inheritance, will you instruct him to give it away to suit your views of being 'humble'?

Nothing I've said is in any way 'aggressive'.

There must be a back story if SIL gets money and you don't

What about her husband, their son? Is he not allowed to accept their kindness?

Absolutely. But if it's on behalf of the children, then children have two parents, not just one. And if one parent is uncomfortable with a situation pertaining to their kids, they get the veto.

Men are not 'heads of the household' anymore who get to make decisions for everyone else. This is a situation where compromise is called for. And partnerships where one or both parties are unable to do this don't bode well for the future.

My daughter has married into a family like this and her inlaws like to spend money on them, but there are lots of strings attached. It's infantalising and controlling

The strings is the crucial part of this, and we don’t actually know if the OP’s ILs are ‘like this’ because she hasn’t mentioned any strings being attached.

You describe a very creative interpretation of seeking consent. No one is suggesting anything like your crazy little story. Simply, you can't just launch yourself at anyone. Family or otherwise. Why would you think you could? Just ask. 'May Granny have a hug' and be an adult if the little one says no.

No, it's the child's permission they should be asking. Children are people too. Their bodily autonomy is very important, and the earlier they learn this, the better.

Then your dog needs help!

Then should my grandson seek my written permission in triplicate before he launches himself at me like he was on the rugby field? With parents like some on this site is there any wonder that so many children have problems'?

What the feck is the montessori-way? Is it a rule book on how to act ungrateful?

My in-laws are millionaires, the profited very significantly from the housing boom and their parents also were extremely wealthy. And reading your post made me remember when FIL shower me his bank statement complaining that he was uncomfortable as his current account had dropped below £40k. Apparently he likes to keep £40k for "spending money". Its okay though, he has hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of gold bars, and a savings account in the millions but dropping the current account below £40k worried him.

Meanwhile we had two young kids, the housing crisis in 2008 had crippled us and our heating had broken so we had two toddlers in a freezing house and no money to repair it. In the end my Mum gave us her entire savings of £6k so we could sort the heating and bring it up to code. Meanwhile FIL bought more gold bars..

In other words, you're coming on MN which is currently awash with people worried how they will make ends meet and keep a roof over their head and you're complaining your diamond shoes are too tight.

In-laws have never given us money, ever. And FIL says he will be donating it all to the Dogs Trust so we know where we stand 😂