To want to be independent although in-laws are well off and want to help

[NoWayJosèNotToday]

Firstly, the people I'm talking about here, my in-laws, are really nice people. I do like them but I don't know why I feel so strongly about this. I want to know if it's me being weird or if it is reasonable.

In-laws are quite well off and want to spend their money on us (my husband is their only child so I get they want the best for him) like wanting to buy our flight tickets (business class), sponsoring holidays, buying things for our house like air conditioners etc. I obviously appreciate smaller gifts on birthdays, Christmas and some clothes for kids when they've been abroad but anytime else they spend money on us, it just drives me nuts because I feel like it controls me, and my family. Also, indirect things like bringing lots of snacks when coming to visit.

I get it that they have the money to spend but I want to raise my kids humbly (so learn to go without something until we can afford it) and I want us to be independent and not weighed down.

I don't want to ask them for anything as it feels like I will owe them or that I can't be upfront with them about things I don't like because I have to be grateful and keep my mouth shut. They bought us ACs for our house and it took me so long to feel like using it. It was so useful during the hot summer but the fact that they bought it for us makes me feel like I've to now "behave". I mean I am nice to them anyways and we get along fine but just feels like I am compelled to be extra nice.

I am a very opinionated person so if I don't like something I will say so. Like I have asked my MIL not to buy me things (she used to get me lots of things all the time and I was overwhelmed!). I also am particular about how I want to raise our kids so if something isn't right, I will say so for e.g. asking for consent before kissing my kids or giving them freedom (raising them montessori-way). But when they do us a favour or spend money on us, I feel like I lose the right to correct them or to hold anything against them or even have any negative thoughts about them at all! I feel guilty just writing this post as I'm thinking about all the things they've done for us (with/without us asking for it) and how I shouldn't be feeling this way. My husband is very comfortable just asking for help if needed so I feel really alone in this.

Then should my grandson seek my written permission in triplicate before he launches himself at me like he was on the rugby field? With parents like some on this site is there any wonder that so many children have problems'?

I'll do you the courtesy of taking this post at face value, albeit it's pretty silly. If he's 'launching himself' at you he's clearly quite happy with the physical contact, since he's initiating it! Boys as a rule can be pretty affectionate. That there's no issue with that at all should be patently obvious. The material point is that like adults, children have the right to reject hugs, kisses and physical contact at any time, and for any reason, they want.

It shouldn't even need pointing out why teaching them any other message about maintaining their own bodily autonomy is potentially problematic. I'd go as far as to suggest claiming otherwise is intentionally disingenuous.

pocketvenuss there honestly isn't. Except maybe that the house she was buying was next door to them!
I know, it's unbelievable you would treat your DC so differently isn't it?

You are being absurd. I loathed my grandmother trying to kiss me - she smelt horrible and was pretty unpleasant all round. I always made myself scarce when she was due to visit.

Children have every right to say no thanks to physical contact.

First world issues. Wish my wealthy parents were as generous

You sound like a pain in the arse. They are your husband’s parents, your children’s grandparents. It isn’t just about your thoughts and feelings

I don't agree with this at all and I see where the op is coming from. The excessive buying/showering of gifts can be uncomfortable and make people receiving them feel indebted and under pressure. I'd feel the same because of how I was brought up but I know too many others who would totally take advantage of this and it doesn't sit well with me.

I also agree with the op that this sort of behaviour is a bad example for the kids in that it goes against her values she wants to teach them.

She wants to share with them that things must be earned and not just given, in other words we must work for them and not to be taking taking taking from others. And sometimes we just can't have the finer things because that's how life is.

I do believe this paves the way for children to become cfers and entitled-because the example from parents is to take take take or everything to be freely given.

Presumably you and your DH will inherit after they die? Will you refuse the inheritance

that is totally different because they will be dead.

I'd love that.Mil is as tight as a gnats arse

‘Favour’ implies OP or her DH is asking them to do things for them.

Every word 💯

Perhaps it does relate to the ethics and morals we were raised with, but some people - many, I'd venture to say - are embarrassed and discomfited with taking. When someone is putting them in this position continually, it's easy to see why this should make them feel particularly uncomfortable, especially when they've expressly requested that this not happen.

The OP intimated that there are no discernible strings attached to these gifts. But even when someone's motives are entirely altruistic, even when they may not perhaps even be conscious of doing so, that unspoken weight of expectation is there. It's creating an imbalance in the relationship, which people who have been raised to be independent would likely struggle with. It's also modelling a system of ethics to the children which are against OP's style of parenting.

The word 'kindness' is entirely subjective in these circumstances. I'd see the OP's stance as principled. As for being 'controlling' over the way her in-laws spend their money, that's quite some reach. No one is telling them how to invest their funds, or frog marching them into John Lewis and demanding they buy the blush sofa rather than the blue one. But the rights of one person to do as they wish with their own funds end where these conflict with the wishes of the would-be recipients and the code of ethics they want to pass on to their own children.

There was a thread on a similar point in AIBU recently on which the consensus was that the gift-givers were the controllers, that the recipient had very right to assert her preferences, and if the relative continued to override these and send gifts to her property without asking her, those gifts should be refused or sent back.

MN is an oddly contradictory site at times.

Yes and they won't get to see their son and grandchildren enjoying their money then

No it doesn't.

Read the room OP. There are a lot of people struggling right now and you are complaining about your generous in laws helping you out financially.
Give your head a wobble and be thankful to have people like this in your life.

This. We want to see our kids enjoy our money while we’re alive. We’re really selfish bastards like that.

I understand 100% OP.

In our case it WAS transactional, they bought X and as such expected Y.

It was hard to pull back, but now the kids are older it's changed a bit.

Something's have stayed, eg. They always buy their winter coat, but now I'm asked to suggest 3 and then she'll buy one of those..means the kids and I get a say.

It's awful to have that choice removed..for the first year of my youngests life I don't think I bought a single outfit. Great in theory, in practice....it felt like I was having the parenting role taken from me.

And fuck everyone saying you sound spoilt etc, it's really difficult to articulate how it feels to have that autonomy taken from you. Or that's how it felt to me at the time

Now we've had a few big arguments, unrelated but still, and our relationship is more equal, I can receive the gifts with good grace and also, can gift to her with love. Because that status quo is now us as equals, instead of her trying to buy us.

It's awful to have that choice removed..for the first year of my youngests life I don't think I bought a single outfit. Great in theory, in practice....it felt like I was having the parenting role taken from me.

What was stopping you buying clothes if you wanted? Gifting the ones they bought or donating them to charity? The absolute cheek of grandparents buying their grandkids clothes! Cheeky fuckers!!!

I can see your point OP. Especially about teaching the value of money.
However, as a previous poster said; read the room. People are in desperate times and most people are very envious of your position.
Lots of people are having to use food banks or work full time with no disposable income. Some feel that their lives are a prison sentence.
Enjoy the freedom you have, which ultimately what your financial position is giving you and consider your very fortunate position in society before complaining.

I agree with PP in wondering whether for whatever reason, who have a transactional view of giving that you are projecting on to them.

In the absence of further information your post is all about how it makes you feel and what you fear it might imply, but nothing in your post suggests your in-laws themselves see their giving as giving them some kind of hold or say that encroaches on your independence.

Some people really do just loving giving, my late mother was one of them, it was never used as a power lever.

As long as their giving doesn’t come anywhere close to threatening their ability to enjoy a long, very comfortable retirement and they could cover top of the range care for either or both of them should ill health or dementia cloud their future, - I’d try to unclench and let them have their way.

Have a think about your own experiences and relationships in life to see if you can work out why this stresses you. You are not wrong that unfortunately some people do use money to create obligation and then exact compliance as a quid pro quo, but not everyone does.

Get an education.

I have a very good one already.

While the phrase 'asking a favour' is very common, the definition of the noun 'favour' does not imply a request. It simply means:

an act performed out of good will, generosity, or mercy

Her gifting gifts and you having your independence are not mutually exclusive. You can have both offer, and remain unconnected. It is you connecting the two where there is no relation. It doesn't appear in any way like she is gifting your family in order to influence.

For all the people saying that the op should enjoy it because so many others are on poverty are missing the point. The op is pointing out how the gifts are excessive,materialistic and non essentials and ofcourse this is a bad message to send to kids. These aren't things that people need, it be totally different if the op was struggling and they were buying the essentials.

MN is an oddly contradictory site at times

agreed but I think mn love a pile on too, people see the direction of the thread and jump in on the same boat. I too often feel that people know exactly in their heart the op is making is logical but will bash her and make her sound unhinged for having that view.

Life isn’t just about what you need, it’s about things that make you more comfortable or things that make you happy. What a miserable existence otherwise.

Which is why I said ‘implies OP has asked for favours’ not that OP has asked for favours.

Why not clarify with OP before jumping down my throat?

However, as a previous poster said; read the room. People are in desperate times and most people are very envious of your position.
Lots of people are having to use food banks or work full time with no disposable income. Some feel that their lives are a prison sentence.
Enjoy the freedom you have, which ultimately what your financial position is giving you and consider your very fortunate position in society before complaining

i'd take mn views of ''desperate times'' with a pinch of salt. People have very odd views of money ,rich and poor on mn and appear to be totally detached from the real world.

Also I'd like to point out on this thread that people are very grabby here. I know a grandfather who was comfortable and was always buying excessive gifts for his 5 grand kids and giving hand outs to the parents (his son and dil).

The family always took out but never objected and it put pressure on him then to keep the status quo going or he'd feel he was letting them down. The truth was that he was retired, in his 70s with bad health but was taking on extra jobs on top of his large pension to fund their lives.

It was all stuff they didn't need-a 700 pound bike for his 13 yo grandson, a 1000 pound coat for the mum...

He was taking on so much that he collapsed 1 day on the way to their house with gifts for a birthday. The family never found out but they just assumed he had plenty of cash and enjoyed treating them and exploited him. It's a form of abuse and all you here saying it's fine should examine your principles. The parents in these situations can always set boundaries firmly but kindly.